Myjourneythroughmadness

348 I dreaded that first Robin, so, But He is mastered, now, I’m accustomed to Him grown, He hurts a little, though— I thought If I could only live Till that first Shout got by— Not all Pianos in the Woods Had power to mangle me— I dared not meet the Daffodils— For fear their Yellow Gown Would pierce me with a fashion So foreign to my own— I wished the Grass would hurry— So—when ’twas time to see— He’d be too tall, the tallest one Could stretch—to look at me— I could not bear the Bees should come, I wished they’d stay away In those dim countries where they go, What word had they, for me? They’re here, though; not a creature failed— No Blossom stayed away In gentle deference to me— The Queen of Calvary— Each one salutes me, as he goes, And I, my childish Plumes, Lift, in bereaved acknowledgment Of their unthinking Drums—

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Aug 24, 2017

Aug 24, 2017 at 7:32 AM UTC

Emily Dickinson

I dreaded that first Robin, so

348 I dreaded that first Robin, so, But He is mastered, now, I’m accustomed to Him grown, He hurts a little, though— I thought If I could only live Till that first Shout got by— Not all Pianos in the Woods Had power to mangle me— I dared not meet the Daffodils— For fear their Yellow Gown Would pierce me with a fashion So foreign to my own— I wished the Grass would hurry— So—when ’twas time to see— He’d be too tall, the tallest one Could stretch—to look at me— I could not bear the Bees should come, I wished they’d stay away In those dim countries where they go, What word had they, for me? They’re here, though; not a creature failed— No Blossom stayed away In gentle deference to me— The Queen of Calvary— Each one salutes me, as he goes, And I, my childish Plumes, Lift, in bereaved acknowledgment Of their unthinking Drums—

29

Entry ~ *By the pit of a black hole. That's how it'll happen. By the flick of a lighter, and a burnt up spoon tucked away in the corner. A half *** attempt to be discreet. It'll sit there. Staring at you, haunting you, taunting your very existence. By the death of a friend you called your family. A stupid, avoidable death at the hand of ***** needle. That's how it'll happen. You'll look up one day, at the bottom of a hole you can't remember falling into. You'll climb, and climb, clawing your way to the top. Desperately slipping back down every time you make headway. It's a hopelessly dark place. It's the kind of place that stays with you forever. Even if you're lucky enough to claw your way out for good. It's the kind of place that leaves you void of love. It's a place for broken down souls. For desperate addicts turning tricks just to get their fix. You'll find yourself there, alone. Cold. You'll find yourself wishing it all back. Wishing you never took that one little hit, never sniffed that innocent little line. You'll hate yourself for thinking just this one time, because you knew it was a lie the second it crossed your mind. You just didn't want to believe it. It was a choice. Falling to the bottom of this hole. You made it the second you chose to say yes that very first time. It was the moment you sold your soul to the devil. A signature scribbled half heartedly on a piece of charred up tinfoil. It was a choice, and you knew you were making it. It's the worst part about being this kind of addict. You know you'll die eventually. Just like that friend you called your family, but nothing is enough to make you stop. The opiates leave you hollow. A shell of a person that used to love. You'll find yourself so empty. You don't care about your family, or those friends still around that don't **** with what you're doing. You can remember a time when you were so close to them. So different. Still an addict, but just circling the rim of that hole you're in now. You weren't addicted to those drugs, but you were on your way. It was those friends that kept you in the light. That kept you from falling into those harder drugs. They were a lifeline. A silver string hanging from the stars. You held on for so long. Every time you looked down you got so scared. It was a long way to the bottom, but you had scissors in your hand the whole time you were hanging on. At a certain point, you got weak, and cut that silver cord. You fell so far down, and at the bottom of that hole, sitting in the corner to comfort you, a burnt up soon and a white bic lighter. You traded in your lifeline. It was no longer your friends that could bring you back to the light. It was a bag of tar, and a silver spoon. It was a choice, and when the day comes when you say you're getting clean, you'll reach for the hands that used to be there. Out spread, patiently hanging there waiting for you to grab them, and they won't be there*.

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Myjourneythroughmadness

Aug 24, 2017

Aug 24, 2017 at 7:30 AM UTC

haeneh

******

Entry ~ *By the pit of a black hole. That's how it'll happen. By the flick of a lighter, and a burnt up spoon tucked away in the corner. A half *** attempt to be discreet. It'll sit there. Staring at you, haunting you, taunting your very existence. By the death of a friend you called your family. A stupid, avoidable death at the hand of ***** needle. That's how it'll happen. You'll look up one day, at the bottom of a hole you can't remember falling into. You'll climb, and climb, clawing your way to the top. Desperately slipping back down every time you make headway. It's a hopelessly dark place. It's the kind of place that stays with you forever. Even if you're lucky enough to claw your way out for good. It's the kind of place that leaves you void of love. It's a place for broken down souls. For desperate addicts turning tricks just to get their fix. You'll find yourself there, alone. Cold. You'll find yourself wishing it all back. Wishing you never took that one little hit, never sniffed that innocent little line. You'll hate yourself for thinking just this one time, because you knew it was a lie the second it crossed your mind. You just didn't want to believe it. It was a choice. Falling to the bottom of this hole. You made it the second you chose to say yes that very first time. It was the moment you sold your soul to the devil. A signature scribbled half heartedly on a piece of charred up tinfoil. It was a choice, and you knew you were making it. It's the worst part about being this kind of addict. You know you'll die eventually. Just like that friend you called your family, but nothing is enough to make you stop. The opiates leave you hollow. A shell of a person that used to love. You'll find yourself so empty. You don't care about your family, or those friends still around that don't **** with what you're doing. You can remember a time when you were so close to them. So different. Still an addict, but just circling the rim of that hole you're in now. You weren't addicted to those drugs, but you were on your way. It was those friends that kept you in the light. That kept you from falling into those harder drugs. They were a lifeline. A silver string hanging from the stars. You held on for so long. Every time you looked down you got so scared. It was a long way to the bottom, but you had scissors in your hand the whole time you were hanging on. At a certain point, you got weak, and cut that silver cord. You fell so far down, and at the bottom of that hole, sitting in the corner to comfort you, a burnt up soon and a white bic lighter. You traded in your lifeline. It was no longer your friends that could bring you back to the light. It was a bag of tar, and a silver spoon. It was a choice, and when the day comes when you say you're getting clean, you'll reach for the hands that used to be there. Out spread, patiently hanging there waiting for you to grab them, and they won't be there*.

2

How do I sleep at night? When you're losing this fight Choking on candid emotions That I can't even eat Look at me, I'm thinning Sure you are too Sure it's a symbol Of what's going to happen to you I can't even fathom You not being here No more of this chasm That you've fallen into I'm sure if you die I will too.

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Myjourneythroughmadness

Aug 24, 2017

Aug 24, 2017 at 7:29 AM UTC

taylor-ganger

How Do I Sleep At Night

How do I sleep at night? When you're losing this fight Choking on candid emotions That I can't even eat Look at me, I'm thinning Sure you are too Sure it's a symbol Of what's going to happen to you I can't even fathom You not being here No more of this chasm That you've fallen into I'm sure if you die I will too.

14

Who am I? Inner most me I cry I feel like I don't know. So much of me I just can't show Me the three part being Recognize not the song I keep singing Spirit,soul,body Deeply feeling so shoddy What a jest,me evolve Difficult equation that I cannot solve Yearning to change,never the same Make the pain leave,stop the blame Where's the Light, searching for hope Need strength to loosen the rope The waters have over taken me in it's mighty tide Faith lead me on this roller coaster ride So who am I,learning a step day by day Being alone my choice don't have to be this way Life and beauty can be a part of my path Saying no to the war that has tried to claim me and it's terrible wrath

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Myjourneythroughmadness

Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:40 PM UTC

LifeandBeauty13

Who am I?

Who am I? Inner most me I cry I feel like I don't know. So much of me I just can't show Me the three part being Recognize not the song I keep singing Spirit,soul,body Deeply feeling so shoddy What a jest,me evolve Difficult equation that I cannot solve Yearning to change,never the same Make the pain leave,stop the blame Where's the Light, searching for hope Need strength to loosen the rope The waters have over taken me in it's mighty tide Faith lead me on this roller coaster ride So who am I,learning a step day by day Being alone my choice don't have to be this way Life and beauty can be a part of my path Saying no to the war that has tried to claim me and it's terrible wrath

20

i've decided to live my life positively happy no more the victim of circumstance smile and do the best that I can, always Laugh my way through this merry dance no need for more self pity there are many with less than I no more focussing on what could have been no childish tears left to cry I am the master of my own fate my future, my destiny it does await so i'll rejoice in the love that i feel for my family, my friends, for they are real I will venture into the big wide world with dignity, pride & truth as my guides my innate spirit is yet to be uncurled from deep within my soul it idly resides everything is well within in grasp I believe in myself, finally, at last no need, in greedy hands, do i need to clasp insincere, negative energies that belong in the past keep my eyes on the road ahead, I will focus and achieve my goal ignore words of spite, the less evolved have said get myself out of this hole like attracts like, that is a basic concept and it is my fundermental belief, that I hold true Negativity I will forcefully reject in favour of experiencing what is underneath for all humans have a heart and some a conscience aswell we are innocent at the very start blank pages in a biography, no need to hard sell I will greet each day with a loud Hello glad that I am alive and well I am positively happy, & a little mellow I forgive & release myself from this self imposed hell I trust that the universe will provide for me all I need, to ensure I'm safe and happy as long as i'm not too needy nor too greedy as long as I no longer allow others to make me snappy so today I place my cosmic order I would like the universe to take note a safe haven, love, prosperity & good health Please place me on cloud 9 and allow me to float

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:38 PM UTC

Myjourneythroughmadness

POSITIVELY HAPPY

i've decided to live my life positively happy no more the victim of circumstance smile and do the best that I can, always Laugh my way through this merry dance no need for more self pity there are many with less than I no more focussing on what could have been no childish tears left to cry I am the master of my own fate my future, my destiny it does await so i'll rejoice in the love that i feel for my family, my friends, for they are real I will venture into the big wide world with dignity, pride & truth as my guides my innate spirit is yet to be uncurled from deep within my soul it idly resides everything is well within in grasp I believe in myself, finally, at last no need, in greedy hands, do i need to clasp insincere, negative energies that belong in the past keep my eyes on the road ahead, I will focus and achieve my goal ignore words of spite, the less evolved have said get myself out of this hole like attracts like, that is a basic concept and it is my fundermental belief, that I hold true Negativity I will forcefully reject in favour of experiencing what is underneath for all humans have a heart and some a conscience aswell we are innocent at the very start blank pages in a biography, no need to hard sell I will greet each day with a loud Hello glad that I am alive and well I am positively happy, & a little mellow I forgive & release myself from this self imposed hell I trust that the universe will provide for me all I need, to ensure I'm safe and happy as long as i'm not too needy nor too greedy as long as I no longer allow others to make me snappy so today I place my cosmic order I would like the universe to take note a safe haven, love, prosperity & good health Please place me on cloud 9 and allow me to float

44

So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:36 PM UTC

Myjourneythroughmadness

CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND

So I cut myself with a knife just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life But I feel nothing at all as I watch my crimsom blood fall I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes but as if mocking me, I have to wait relief comes at a price, a deadly cost and reminds me of all that i've lost tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free one last slice, just to ensure deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

16

Patiently I wait for the pain to stop For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses For death to soothe my destroyed emotions For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses But even drug induced comas or the chance of life, twice Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care are enough to make me want to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself & fell apart I thought the DNA results would set me free and mend my broken heart but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should although not always as we'd like or desire and one day when I look back on this episode of life I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:36 PM UTC

Myjourneythroughmadness

Suicide

Patiently I wait for the pain to stop For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses For death to soothe my destroyed emotions For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses But even drug induced comas or the chance of life, twice Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care are enough to make me want to remain here I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T I betrayed myself & fell apart I thought the DNA results would set me free and mend my broken heart but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should although not always as we'd like or desire and one day when I look back on this episode of life I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire

16

I begin to heave, to choke Surprised? why? own fault! Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat! No one knows the true extent of my pain Or how this self harm feeds my own shame And, how I only have myself to blame Sometimes, I even forget to chew Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew Its a welcome release, a relief I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief But just seconds later, those old hatreds return Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn! New ways to release negatives are what I need To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead "release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!" "just for a little while, so I can feel well" When I can not throw up I know what I must do Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot And then Find a quiet loo If they should fail to work I always have amphetamine to give me a perk 'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat Nor to be miserable, or taken for a **** So until I find a cure whilst my emotions remain raw I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed He would never have played, the cruel games that he played He would still be here, holding me tight Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight But I pushed him away, with my self abuse Ha! or at least that was his excuse He wasn't strong enough to see it through He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate I must seek HELP now, before its too late I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape

0

Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:35 PM UTC

Myjourneythroughmadness

My Quest to be Thin

I begin to heave, to choke Surprised? why? own fault! Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat! No one knows the true extent of my pain Or how this self harm feeds my own shame And, how I only have myself to blame Sometimes, I even forget to chew Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew Its a welcome release, a relief I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief But just seconds later, those old hatreds return Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn! New ways to release negatives are what I need To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead "release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!" "just for a little while, so I can feel well" When I can not throw up I know what I must do Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot And then Find a quiet loo If they should fail to work I always have amphetamine to give me a perk 'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat Nor to be miserable, or taken for a **** So until I find a cure whilst my emotions remain raw I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed He would never have played, the cruel games that he played He would still be here, holding me tight Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight But I pushed him away, with my self abuse Ha! or at least that was his excuse He wasn't strong enough to see it through He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate I must seek HELP now, before its too late I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape

53

here to go from here? Nowhere, is my greatest fear Old habits die hard Even harder for the emotionally scarred Whom should I trust? Will I know the differenence between love and lust? Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad? What does my future hold for Kristie? from ties that bind, will I finally be set free? Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me? Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady? I feel as though I am in limbo I don't know in which direction to go Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know said goodbye to some old faces cya to some friends I thought I could trust spend my time visiting lots of new places keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST! welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co I love them like my family, I want the world to know and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get! They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said I think of them and they of me, each and everyday Always honest, forever true, they never push me away So some good has come from the bad Happier times now begin, following on from the sad Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

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Jul 9, 2017

Jul 9, 2017 at 1:34 PM UTC

Myjourneythroughmadness

WHAT NOW?

here to go from here? Nowhere, is my greatest fear Old habits die hard Even harder for the emotionally scarred Whom should I trust? Will I know the differenence between love and lust? Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad? What does my future hold for Kristie? from ties that bind, will I finally be set free? Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me? Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady? I feel as though I am in limbo I don't know in which direction to go Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know said goodbye to some old faces cya to some friends I thought I could trust spend my time visiting lots of new places keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST! welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co I love them like my family, I want the world to know and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get! They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said I think of them and they of me, each and everyday Always honest, forever true, they never push me away So some good has come from the bad Happier times now begin, following on from the sad Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

32

I wish you were still here, but I'm kinda glad you're not, you'd see the miserable excuse, of a man I have become. I love you so much, I wish our hands were, intertwined tightly, your head on my chest. I miss you, y'know? You had all of my heart, all of me, period you had, it hurt like hell when you left. You probably had to leave, couldn't keep me in your life, with all the family drama, but I understand. If you could have kept me you, would have kept me, but it doesn't stop the pain of you not being here with me. I miss you, y'know? I love you.

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Myjourneythroughmadness

May 23, 2017

May 23, 2017 at 11:10 PM UTC

jack-jenkins

143 Days...

I wish you were still here, but I'm kinda glad you're not, you'd see the miserable excuse, of a man I have become. I love you so much, I wish our hands were, intertwined tightly, your head on my chest. I miss you, y'know? You had all of my heart, all of me, period you had, it hurt like hell when you left. You probably had to leave, couldn't keep me in your life, with all the family drama, but I understand. If you could have kept me you, would have kept me, but it doesn't stop the pain of you not being here with me. I miss you, y'know? I love you.

22