My mind is higher than this life
My dreams and hopes seem too unreal
I cut my heart out with a knife
To spare myself the pain I’d feel
I cannot cope with all the change
So I hide in my created world.
Behind my words that sound deranged
Is a broken, sad, and lonely girl.
I used to be a daddy’s child
He ripped my heart out of my chest
I morphed into a granny’s child
She perished as she was getting rest
I want to be a mommy’s child
She’s too focused on being the best
I desire to be God’s child
But my sins are scarlet, which he detests.
My mind is higher than this life
My heart can’t cope with what is real
I cut my soul out with a knife
So that I cannot see, think, or feel
I question how I can be used
If I am just too delusional.
I question if I can be used
If I am just too unusual.
Good night my love
Oh God my friend.
I hate that you have to witness this.
My mad distress
My bitter end!
Please save me from my worthlessness.
I’ve lived so short
Yet it feels so long.
Nothing is like I’d thought it’d be
Pain of every sort
All is going wrong
It seems life has disillusioned me.
Jul 7, 2024
Jul 7, 2024 at 12:00 AM UTC
I live life to die?
Oh how I'm dying to live!
What does this all Mean?
May 4, 2021
May 4, 2021 at 10:14 PM UTC
I have no one to tell me that I did great.
Only a mere nod,
And that empty look that I hate.
I understand that no one is responsible for me.
Only look to God,
That's how I carry on with this fate.
I have no one to tell me that I did well,
Only a quick smile,
And pure disinterest, I can tell.
I only have my achievements,
Yes I only have me.
But God tapped me on my shoulder
Saying, "I'm really proud of Thee."
May 4, 2021
May 4, 2021 at 9:50 PM UTC
Swimming in my own blood,
I’m found void of emotion.
Groveling in the mud,
Like a fish who longs for the ocean.
Will I die out here in the sun?
Maybe pass away in the cold?
These things shall remain unknown
As long as my depression remains my gold.
Mady, you’re addicted to your misery?
None of it makes sense!
While your days grow ever shorter
The fog only gets more dense.
God, I’m starting to feel like my fate is sealed.
Even though it may just be the Enemy.
But the enemy hasn’t lied, for I truly have not healed.
He’s only exploiting the sadness within me.
Death is knocking at my door.
Will it be from my own hands?
Breaking hearts I didn’t even know.
Praying that someone understands.
So, the future can clearly be seen.
I know what all of the riddles mean!
I am broken, but my pieces are here!
I may be ***** but I can be clean.
Get away from me, you black dog.
Get away from me, you are torturous.
You sit on my back, and follow me around!
You are a leech, and you are murderous.
Swimming in my on blood,
Swinging from my own weight
Did I pass because of depression?
Or did I pass because of hate?
Jan 4, 2021
Jan 4, 2021 at 3:01 PM UTC
What is this life we live?
Why is life so fleeting?
All of ourselves we give.
Just to receive Life's beating.
For those who began at the top
Only grow higher.
But those who began at the the bottom
Sink deep into the mire.
What does it matter what we dream?
What does it matter what we aspire?
When all of it's for naught!
It shall burn in the coming fire.
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 3:59 AM UTC
Young one, why do you weep?
Yes, you, the lonely Black sheep?
Aren't you mine?
Then find your way home.
Rather than weep here all alone.
I know what hurts your heart.
I can see what tears you apart.
You must be patient, then I will help you.
Despite what you've done and been through.
Stop saying, "I don't want to live."
Stop saying, "God doesn't want to give."
Though you sin against me, I love you to death.
I am preparing a blessing that will take away your breath.
Follow me back home.
Let us talk like we did before.
Do not weep, but have hope!
You are my child, you will soar!
Jul 15, 2019
Jul 15, 2019 at 6:26 PM UTC
This little sheep has wandered far from home.
It is sad and all alone.
This little sheep wants to be ok.
Just her and her shepherd
Like back in the day.
Lord let me come back home.
Lord don't leave me alone.
Lord let me wear white again.
I cannot make it on my own.
Lord Let me come back home.
Lord please don't leave me alone.
Lord let me wear white again.
How can I make it on my own?
I pray that You will hear the voice of your desensitized sheep who cries for you in the wilderness, My Lord.
Jun 28, 2019
Jun 28, 2019 at 9:58 PM UTC
Spring is coming.
Can winter last forever?
God has smiled, at last.
Spring is coming.
Hold on, it will get better!
Soon, this will be a distant past.
I was walking alone in the bitter cold.
Slowly losing faith in everything.
Suddenly, in the distance, I saw a single rose.
Despite the harsh conditions, it was growing!
A rose, it was a rose. In the midst of the snow it stood tall.
A rose, it was a rose!
Spring might be coming after all.
Though the skies are gray.
And the birds slowly disappear
The rose stands vibrant!
Spring is coming, spring is near.
Jun 27, 2019
Jun 27, 2019 at 10:05 PM UTC
Please, notice me.
Someone, notice me.
Please, notice me!
How I writhe In agony.
Please let me rest.
Someone, give me rest.
Please, let me rest
So that I can catch my breath.
For a long time, I've silently screamed that I needed help.
My God has left me because of my unfaithfulness.
In these conditions, isn't it right to die?
To die because of my loneliness?
No, I will not give up my life.
Feelings can always change.
To run from temporary problems using death,
Would simply make me deranged.
Jonghyun, I understand you a little.
It seems like no one cares.
Everyone is busy living wonderfully!
Tending to their own affairs.
Can they be blamed, dear Jonghyun?
Who can blame them, My God?
They are not obligated to care.
I do not think their apathy is odd.
Yet, I beg for them to notice me!
Someone, please notice me.
Notice my illness first,
Lest I continue to writhe in agony.
Jun 27, 2019
Jun 27, 2019 at 10:03 PM UTC
It seems like I have no one to talk to,
No one to vent to,
And no one to cry to.
Yet I am the one whom everyone talks to,
Everyone vents to,
And everyone cries to.
I always follow everyone.
Even to the corners of Hell.
But when I get in trouble.
All I get is their voicemail.
It's hard to carry a cross
along with everyone's issues.
My eyes are teary as well,
but I wipe their tears away with my tissues
Now, I feel used.
And who can take the blame?
It's my fault I am being abused.
I've opened the door to this pain.
But even though I ache,
I'll still follow these people through Hell.
Even if my tears remain,
Along with this lonely voicemail.
Apr 12, 2019
Apr 12, 2019 at 10:05 PM UTC