I tried to be there
always available, always open
a message away, a call away
I tried to be your friend ..
to be the person I once wished I had
when I had no one.
that's the thing about hearts like mine
we make ourselves so available, give too freely
until our own outline blur
almost erase our own existence.
Coming from a place where I understand how
culture, society, and norms work
having lived myself, so deeply in my skin
with an honesty that sometimes stings.
So, I tried to protect you,
pouring the sincerest parts of my heart, into your hands
gave you the quiet warmth of my soul
a warmth, I now wish
I had kept for myself..
not because I wanted anything back
but because I wanted to see you glow
to see you rise, to see you achieve your truest life.
I tried to be there
your friend
your sister
your mother
your shelter.
I forgive you, not because it doesn't hurt
but because it's over
I refuse to put myself through this
ever again..
you didn't want me once the purpose was over
you become what you believe,
the untruth you whispered to yourself, to make sense of it all.
Remember how you used to say
how I'm so generous, my heart could endure anything
but what you didn't see how tightly I had locked myself away
not to shatter
but it did...
maybe you apologised
maybe you didn't
do you even apologise?
I am sorry I can't recall.
but I do know that it's over.
I welcomed you, but you slammed the **** door on me
told me how tortuous it all has been
how close you came to falling apart
as if my worth was the burden.
your words drained me
your energy dimmed my heart
your behaviour left me feeling used..
I am sorry it didn't make sense
that's the thing, these things rarely do
people show who they are, in their words and their behaviour
Nothing more, nothing less.
I sat there, I waited
and then, I chose to deserve better.
you didn't want to understand
didn't want to see.
just left, yet somehow
still expected me to show up again before actual departure
not for me, but for you.
Everything has always been about you..
my trust bruised, my heart broken, my pride shattered.
So, I go to therapy,
gathering the shattered pieces
cleaning the mess,
stitching my trust back together
thread by trembling thread.
I didn't leave, I simply watched your performance
I didn't believe your words, your actions were the only truth I needed
And I chose to deserve better
to choose myself,
fully,
finally
over you.
there's no friendship without trust and love
there are no sides without respect.
And just like that
you didn't only leave
you left my heart
& every corner
of my life.
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 10:58 AM UTC
Everybody says me weeper, gloomy
gentle in pain
everybody thinks me pain, weeping
delightful weeper
I am a delight force, my weeper
bitter delight
my words are the companion
tasteful but alone
O the weeper, the gloomy heart
take me to the river
and tell me; why do I love?
Cover my heart and my soul
from thickness of your sheet
Or else, I will die
by the coldness of hearts
Because I love ardently
and I am alone; You listen
for your needs, for your needs
I give every drop of my blood
and You take delight, calling me weeper
gloomy but beautiful
Who are everybody; but you
alone do I cry; my weeping heart
take us to the mountains
in heights where we sing together; loud
intense but gentle
What do you want more
and you call me gloomy
I am like a beautiful smile, my gloomy
sweet but short
I am like a taste of intense, weeper
bitter but powerful!
Do you want more, the weeper
my words are the only one left out here
Along with my heart
the departing heart!
- June 2011
Sep 10, 2024
Sep 10, 2024 at 9:56 AM UTC
my heart
comes in a shape of a box
as if
it's ready to encompass
all the
emotions in the world
besides for
my own
and for a moment
my heart seeks
all the unlived moments
of joys & love
love-- is this a word
or a feeling
this strange box
never kept it
for her own wrap ..
I see the sadness of
a moon
shining tall
amidst the darkness of night
distributing
secretly
her sorrows
wrapped in a gold-paper proudly
to her favorite boxes
oh, this strange feeling box..
such strange mystery
a flawless performance
of this timeless soundtrack
where my strange box
outshines
her own beauty
spent in solitude
with endless smoke & intoxication
to deny these sorrows
& almost
to defy all the moments
where love could be collected
for dark, cold moments
strange box --- encompasses all love
but not for herself ..
is it a dream
or just a reflection of a moon
in a river
for others to say 'how beautiful '
only to know
it's a gift wrapped
in a gold paper
proudly stating
'Timeless sorrows'
oh, this moon is incredibly proud
so are these boxes
keeping all the strangeness of this world ..
almost unspeakable to most!
Sep 10, 2024
Sep 10, 2024 at 9:42 AM UTC
I want to write
what i feel
but i have no words ..
i want to cry
when i think
but i have no tears ..
i want to go home
to separate myself from endless trauma
but i have no home ..
Aug 21, 2024
Aug 21, 2024 at 7:18 PM UTC
My spirit is low
my heart is filled with trauma
my mind continues to put up with me
my body continues to put up with me
And I am still low
Is this betrayal?
Aug 21, 2024
Aug 21, 2024 at 7:17 PM UTC
paint it blue
or paint me, black
have i lost my mind.
this circus,
family, friends ..
have they ****** it, entirely.
is it a waking dream
or am i, just another passing time
home, solitary
constant phone ringing
children screaming---a long list of things
to get..
an exile,
that never seem to end ..
countless drama's
i couldn't escape
my mind--being the best of me
& worst, left me
most of miserable..
no boundary, no limits
shamelessness; on top of all agenda's
an infected virus-- a shame
on humanity!
people i lost
relations i don't have
not a single tear
my mind is dense with thousand
of thoughts
my mouth; however
mute, as sunshine ..
is it just the lock-down
or the life, i have ..
the hypocrisy-- a venom
that
people seem to own it ..
a journey i am on
been a long
slow and solitary.
Jan 6, 2021
Jan 6, 2021 at 12:03 PM UTC
they say
'love heals all wounds'
let not bitterness
sit in your heart
i done all
people see
me
burning
bit by bit
love burns me
bitterness come inside
sitting in me
my heart
i try to raise my level
yet
it comes to me
i thought i am done
with bitterness
my heart says a different story
i can't breath
i am suffocated
in this skin
with all my 'love'
drunk in this bitterness
sitting by myself
gathering all my thoughts
trying
so hard
not to let it win
over me
my troubled heart
tells me
to speak up
guess
i am too shy of a person
to speak with my vocal words
am i running back?
I thought i came
forward with my life
but here we go
again
sitting in bitterness
with agony
in my heart
i can't fight
anymore
even for the sake
of love
guess i don't know my strengths
i am, yet
just so done
with hatred
bitterness
all over my face
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 6:30 PM UTC
love inside me
future seems bright
yet so lonely
and without love
love is all over me
past is full of evilness
pain, hurt
and burning
love never came to me
lies, betrayal
failure
loneliness
have,
shielded me
in its wrath
words have always been my companion
my saviour
my lifeline
it seem to have gone away
whilst i write this
in middle of night
alone
i write with fury of my heart
no knowing
what words come of me
memories haunt my peace
life betrays me
in a nutshell
i cry with all my love
dying inside me
yet so alive
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 6:09 PM UTC
I used to have words
I could write them
through my fingers
with a rhythm
of my heart
of my life
it feels words, too,
gone far
from my reach ..
this struggle
i bear inside
i no longer can narrate
with feelings of my words!
i see so many people
around
all
over
me ..
yet i no longer feel the empathy
of hearts
or
companionship of my words
it hurts
it aches within!
all my efforts
all my struggle
seems to go in vain ..
glasses get broken
so many people
with broken heart
broken limb, empty soul
it feels nothing heals
people come
and go..
sometimes, people stay
to change their colours
their patterns
with each passing day
yet, no words seem to soothe anything
so maybe it
an end to all of beginning
of this slaughter
martyrdom of hearts and passions
this, maybe the
beginning of my freedom
reviving through
my words
and this story!
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 5:38 PM UTC
strange people are lonely
be in a crowd
or at a party
they are weird
i have never been lonely
never have i tried to find it
anyone could enter
and go
as they like
bothers me not a bit
since i have always had this itch
for loneliness
it never bothered me
people did !
with people
or at crowd, full of noises
my heart wandered alone
cherished solitude
I've felt
intense
and cried
bitterness ran within these veins
which i not bother speaking
nor do i want anybody to see
that's my property, my possession
which none allowed to enter
well ..
because you see nothing
you hear none !
words are only medium to express
i am bothered by nothing
spoken words just another thing
filling up this deep thick air
paper is a blessing
i lay my soul bare
with no scratch in my heart !
i believe we are all alone
we are all dumped
to nothing
cities are full
air is polluted with noise
mouths are big
tusk tusk
it's stupid to be who you are
truth hurts
yet it doesn't !
forget what you wear
or how you do
you are nowhere
but in a world
who is incapable to see
to feel
me neither !
its only loneliness sometimes make sense to me
when others don't !
Aug 19, 2020
Aug 19, 2020 at 7:10 AM UTC