He won’t cut his hair
Because his ears will get cold
And his eyes are dark brown
But they stare into my soul
He doesn't want to be close
Or give out hugs
But he’s always there
To check how I am
And I like this boy
And it’s ******* annoying
And I like this boy
With his drawing obsession
And his chat about a game
I have no clue about
Or an anime series
That I’ve never seen
And we joke about how
He’s so **** at maths
And he compliments my new hat
Because he knows I want one
But no one else has
And he's quick to defend me
Like I am for him
And we gel really well
But I wish we weren't friends
Being friends makes things awkward
So I'll ignore it instead
For a couple of years
Then remember and go
Oh **** yeah
**** I used to like that emo lookin kid
But he only looked like that
Because he refused to get his haircut
Because his ears would get cold
Jan 6, 2022
Jan 6, 2022 at 5:51 PM UTC
I can taste my harsh words
I know they're coming
I don't swallow them though
I can hear my insults
I feel sorry
I don't apologise
I can feel you're pain
I suffer too
See that's why I break you
I'm broken already
My edges sharp
So I cut yours easy enough
No one ever considered
Why I chose you
No one knew what you put me through
Big bad bully picks on you
That's ********
And you know it too
You were better at hiding
Stealthy and silent
Hidden from every one else
But you broke me
My edges sharp
And you blame me
But really you should have taken more care
Sanding and filing those edges smooth
Because leaving them sharp was begging
Just begging
For them to be used
Nov 12, 2021
Nov 12, 2021 at 4:28 PM UTC
Today the realisation hit
That even if I come out my life will still be ****
Because I’m not a ‘normal’ member of society
And I have to live with the ******* anxiety
That a lot of people don’t believe I even exist
Let alone deserve rights-I should cease and desist
The worst feeling is the one where it feels like I’m pretending
Like if I tried harder I’d be a normal human being
That if I was skinny or happy with my weight
I’d be a normal, unbothered, cis and straight
Even though that’s unrelated and completely
absurd
The second worst feeling is the imminent death
From hating myself so ******* much
When I’m literally ready to grab a kitchen knife
And remove my ******* from my body in a single swipe
When the need to bind is so strong that I no longer care if I can even ****** breathe
But I just need to remove the **** things from my body…
So I do and I break all the rules of binding ever and I last five and a half hours before “wimping out” because…
when you remove the deadly tape in fear of actually ceasing to live from the inability to breathe and wonder whether it was worth it because this morning it was a brilliant idea it felt so good and the pressure didn’t matter because the elation was so great but now your skin burns and your breath returns and a different weight settles on your chest:
the return of self hatred and the wish of a painful death
Nov 12, 2021
Nov 12, 2021 at 3:50 PM UTC
It's too loud
Too bright
Too fast
Too many people
Too much choice
Too much noise
Too many things to go wrong
Too many problems that can't be solved
Too many things to do
Not enough time
Not enough space
Not fast enough to compensate
Can't write it as quick as I think
Can't slow my thought down
Can't explain the inside of my brain
Can't explain
Can't explain
Can't explain
Oct 3, 2021
Oct 3, 2021 at 5:21 PM UTC
You tore me limb from limb
Like a flower dismantled petal by petal
And my blood leaks out like sap from a tree
Sticky and wet and you wash you’re hands clean
Of the deed you committed when you stole my heart
When you took my trust and ripped it apart
It wasn’t my trust in others but my trust in myself
My self esteem drained and left for dead
Constantly watching my words if fear
Of saying something else that could be perceived as unclear
My trust in my kindness
My loyalty
My help
Everything abandoned in the space of a month
You took everything from me
Including myself
I don’t know who I am anymore
Just a shell who can’t loose anyone else
But don’t worry
I’m fine
But you wouldn’t have worried anyway
Because all you ever cared about was you
Not a spare thought for me
Unless it was useful to you
But don’t worry
I’m fine
Sep 24, 2021
Sep 24, 2021 at 4:06 PM UTC
I don’t ******* know how to write anymore
Everything I write I hate Delete it word by word until it’s just a blank screen again Knowing everyone will hate it (anyone who reads it that is) before I even read it back I never used to edit, just type and click publish because it wasn’t important that what I wrote was perfect just that it was out there for someone to read. Now it’s different because everything has to be perfect. Perfection is a standard yall who know me know that I am constantly too desperate to achieve. And it never used to apply to writing-writing was ok, writing could be **** and everything was still ok but now it’s not and this is a mess I don’t ******* know this is on par with what I wrote still sat on the bathroom floor after doing whatever stupid thing I’d done this time but yeah. If you’re still following well done because I’m not sorry for ranting I do it a lot anyway yeah I can’t write anymore maybe I’ll see you again but probably not so peace out fuckups and depressed ***** like me don’t be offended just pass this and leave
Sep 5, 2021
Sep 5, 2021 at 8:19 AM UTC
Nah. Y'all are always romanticizing depression and bipolarity but yall for real don't ******* understand the struggle until you've been without your pills and suddenly you get them back and they lowered the dosage when you needed higher ones. I'm sobbing right now because I cant seem to get up to being even halfway normal. And yeah, normal doesn't exist, but you know what **** sure isn't normal? Struggling not to **** yourself every single day, struggling not to switch your moods because that **** is impossible, and sometimes you don't even realize it until you're being yelled at right-back, then you get your feelings hurt because you feel like everyone's against you because WOW welcome to mental illness. I can't help being so ******* impulsive and scared and **** You know, this **** feels like ******* trash. You feel insecurity on steroids and you can't keep a ******* relationship of any sort stable. **** ***** One moment it's like I love someone so intensely that ill die with them, and the next they could just disappear and I wouldn't give a **** I feel like everyone's against me when I don't have my meds and then they go and lower the dosage???? Do you have any idea how long I went undiagnosed andunfuckingtreated? That **** almost killed me. I get a chance of being just ******* okay. Just content and this **** happens. Am I being overdramatic? Yeah. Guess what. It happens with BPD and bipolarity. The paranoia that's stress-based. Loss of contact with reality. Suicidal threats or behavior or self-harm are usually in response to separation or rejection, and like I said I already feel like everyone's against me cause of this **** And then on top of that, there's my depression and anxiety. Let me ******* tell you, this **** is torture. I want just a day. Just one where I can feel like I'm okay. But go ahead keep romanticizing depression and anxiety and bipolarity and BPD, but you don't ******* get how much this kills you inside and out. I'm done with my rant. I feel better. Getting through life one day at a time. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Aug 18, 2021
Aug 18, 2021 at 3:42 AM UTC
The paintings in the night sky
The depth of the oceans blue
Couldn’t even begin
To compare to my rue
Of her crying eyes
Aug 10, 2021
Aug 10, 2021 at 7:39 PM UTC
There it is, in the back of my mind,
gagged and handcuffed to a pipe,
covered in bruises and scars,
the long forgotten meaning of my life.
Humming a melody of hope,
stripped of dignity, insane,
beaten, mocked, almost tamed,
hoping to be rescued someday.
Jul 29, 2021
Jul 29, 2021 at 4:22 PM UTC