I saw in you
all the phases of
the moon
felt each constellation
mapped by your
fingertips on
my spine
you were cosmic
and our love
was a meteor shower
above a sleeping Earth
a quiet threat
that only the stars
had the wisdom to see
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 8:46 AM UTC
Tomorrow
I'm going to try again
Tomorrow
I will thrive
Even if today
It feels like
I'm the world's most broken,
Miserable man
I shall once more feel alive
Tomorrow
I will take the road
I have never taken before
And paint the world gold
And be afraid no more
Tomorrow
My dreams will come true
Tomorrow
I will rise and shine
Tomorrow
There will be no you
And the world will be mine
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 8:42 AM UTC
i want to create
beautiful things
paint words that bring
hope
a glimmer to the eye
a smile to the soul
those happy words
though
grow stale in my mouth
like thick tar they coat my thoughts
dragging it to a grinding halt
the tar sets
hardening to an adamant shell
letters no longer form words
they collide against the smooth black surface
endless bombardment
meaningless symbols
crouched in my shell
i give up
resign myself
and pick up the chisel,
Overwhelmed
and the hammer,
Panic
one blow to the thick surface
the adamant shatters
the letters arrange themselves
neat lines
quite and waiting to be chosen
cool darkness twists around me
gently brushing my cheek
waiting
expectant
“let’s begin”
Jun 18, 2021
Jun 18, 2021 at 12:34 PM UTC
i wanted to share
the other day
share these thoughts written here
(hidden here)
in my phone
but
i didn’t
couldn’t
i am afraid
afraid they are to sad
depressing
too.............“much”
afraid that if i share
i will see
pain
pity
hurt
in your eyes
afraid that you will think that i live in those emotions right now,
that i am sharing as a cry for help
the truth is,
i want to share
share these thoughts, that,
while darker and melancholy,
have sparks of beauty to them
they are fragments
of me
bursting to get out
wanting to be heard
but
afraid to be know
Jun 17, 2021
Jun 17, 2021 at 7:31 PM UTC
a glass sits
on the subspace of my mind
it’s half empty
i ask myself
why is it half empty,
why not half full
why is is so hard to see the water
sloshing about in the glass
clear
cool
refreshing
why do i only see the empty space where water should be
a Void to avoid talking about
a part of myself that i keep refusing to share
a part that i seem to allow to grow, yet i wish it would leave me the hell alone
do I actually enjoy this melancholy
do I like these compressed and silent tears rolling down my cheeks in the darkness
do i make things up to be sad about
a question
is my glass even half empty at all
or do i have a glass full to the brim while i persist in pursuing these gray thoughts
are my “problems” even real
or imaginary
like
my
glass
Jun 17, 2021
Jun 17, 2021 at 7:24 PM UTC
our lives are made up of threads
running this way and that
getting gloriously tangled up with each other
beautifully messy
then
one thread is cut
the tangle begins to unravel
a hole forming
a color lost
then
one shaking thread reaches for another
and another
and another
knotting together
remembering what was
celebrating the vibrancy
moving forward
each carrying a bit of the lost color
mixing and bleeding with its own
so that
though the thread has been cut
the color is never lost
Nov 11, 2020
Nov 11, 2020 at 10:27 AM UTC
I don't think it's you
I used to think you were a mad bull in the china cabinet of my life
Raging
Smashing
While I sat frozen on the floor watching the pieces of my life fall around me
But now I realize that
You never meant to hurt me
You didn't try to hurt me
You are not an angry bull
It's not you that is breaking everything
It's me
I am as unstable
as a drunk rhinoceros walking a tightrope, I sway
Trying to stay sane, functional
Terrified of falling into insanity
Overthinking brain drawing emotions into everything
My own darkness pressing into me
I curl tightly into a ball
Trying to hold my pieces together
Writing poetry
Thinking that you were the problem
When the problem
All along
Was
Me
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 11:39 PM UTC
I'm tired
So exhausted
I am broken
I was breaking
But now
I am broken
I
Can't do this anymore
I used to be okay
Then I met you
And for a while my life was euphoric
Fantastic
Beautiful
Full of so much happiness
Then
I don't know what changed
You said everything was still okay
Good
Great
But it doesn't feel the same
You get frustrated at me
And i can't fix it
Can't say sorry
Nothing feels good enough
It is all broken
And I'm tired of trying
So tired of trying
I'm just done
Right now
I want to run
So far
I want to drive away
Leave without saying goodbyes
Just keep driving til I run out of gas
Or fall off the edge of the world
I don't really care which
I am done
So done
I can't live like this
On the paranoid edge of never knowing what will make you upset
Walking on eggshells
Meanwhile
To rub salt into the wound
It feels like you just run me over
However you want to
You've taken so much from me
Had so many of my firsts
I've let you in so far
And only now do I realize I've let a mad bull into my china closet
And I am paralyzed on the floor while you smash and crack
Terrified of what I've done
What have I done?
Is it too late?
Can I back out?
Is this my life now?
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 11:30 PM UTC
I tried.
I tried being honest and sharing my thoughts
Explaining what was bothering me
Why it was bothering me
Taking a leap of faith
Hoping you would understand
It never works out though
Always, I am misunderstood
Misread
You walk out of the room
Disengaging
Leaving me regretting I ever brought it up
Convincing me that I never should have brought it up
Just lock it inside next time
This hurt is not worth it
Wouldn’t you rather let sleeping dogs lie?
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 11:11 PM UTC
August 31, 2018
I used to write when the feelings were so strong I thought I might drown in them
I used to write because I saw no other way out, no way to escape the darkness pressing in on me
Suffocating
I used to write to distract myself. To keep calm. To remind myself to stay sane.
"You are fine. You are okay."
That was my mantra.
October 1, 2019
Thirteen months and one day later,
that mantra still hold true some days
I’m fine (far from it)
I am okay (surface level lie)
however
That is not every day
There are shafts of sunlight breaking through the suffocating darkness
Rays of surreal peace
Peals of genuine laughter
Moments that tether me when I just don’t want to go on
Reminders of those who care
Those who love me when I am drowning in my feelings
They who lift the mask off my face, look into my flat eyes and say
I care
I love
You don’t have to be fine
You don’t have to be okay
I am here
With you
And I’m not going anywhere
No matter what
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 11:05 PM UTC