You don't deserve my tears
But I deserve to let myself cry

I saw my tree today
The one in the big open field

It was raining
My socks were wet
My legs tired from the walk
But it was perfect

I placed my hand on the textured bark
I felt so whole
And infinite

I was home

Walking around it in circles
My hand stroking it as I do
Just like I had done
What seems like forever ago

Memories come
Flow in
Like a peaceful stream

It's just like the tree next to it
And the one next to that
But this one was mine

Not because I planted it
But because I felt it pull me in
Even when I was a little girl
Even then
I felt we were one

The intense urge
To tell you what you've done to me
And how terrible you are
Yet
I just bite my tongue

I remember one night
As clear as day

It all started when I watched a movie
The dog has died
And it reminded me of mine

I let myself sob
I knew my mom would only come back late
And my dad wasn't truly there

So I cried and cried
Distracted myself by watching more
And cried again

When she got back
She came with me in bed
As I sobbed


Soon enough
She said "it's time to sleep!"
And that's when I realized
I couldn't stop to weep
And it wasn't just that
I couldn't breath
I was shaking
I realized
It was a full blown panic attack

Unable to stop
Already 3am
My mom not knowing what to do anymore
She said "If you don't stop
I'll have to take you to the hospital"

A nightmare

Scared out of my mind
Knowing that's the last thing I wanted
I went to the bathroom
And took a cold shower

It was cold
And miserable
I hated it so
But after collecting myself a bit
I was able to sleep
A terrible sleep though


I've had nights
Feeling so physically ill
But I know
Nothing will ever
Compare to that night

I was only like 9
But I'm telling you
I was so ready to just crumble up
And die

So many downsides to knowing him
Being his daughter
But one thing I can say
It's that it's never boring
Because it's always something
A complication of sorts
Never nothing

I've recently created something of a bond with someone that seems to be almost magical
And I think it's because we're both real
And because with eachother honesty seems like the only option

Instead of
"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"Good."

It's
"How was your head today?"
"Still depressed. You?"
"Still depressed"

And there's something so special about that
It's as if I encountered another alien hopelessly walking around earth
With all the humans and wondering why they have green skin
And showing them that we can be different
Together

Words we don't hear from our parents
"You're doing so good"
"You got this"
"You're safe and cared about and loved"
"I'm so so proud of you"
We give eachother

Talking about the very fact that we exist
Politics (or that it *****)
Family
Depression
Unforgettable memories
Favorite stupid shows and movies
I swear it feels like a dream

Mentally ill
Real
Empathetic
Grew up too quickly
Love and feel so deeply
...
I think I don't feel so utterly alone anymore

.    
         I                                    
            Love                              
              Stars,                  
                   They
                     Are so
                      Far, but
                       Feel so
                        Near. I love
                        The moon ,        
                         How it's    
                        Always
                        Changing
­                     But I hate
                  How
               I can't
          Sleep
      Ever

Have you ever had a recurring nightmare?

Every time I appear in a forest
And walk through the door
I know I will not be able to come back out from
I don't want to go in
But I'm not in control
It's a dream
So it happens
And I have to face my doom

Nightmares can be so realistic
I believe
They can also be real

Is that what life is?
Just a really
Really
Realistic nightmare?
We'll never know
And that's the problem with such dreams
We can hope only
That our suffering will end soon

Cold and tired
But I'm covered and can't sleep
Sad and angry
But I won't let myself scream or weep

I told him I never wanted to see him again
Which I guess was true
I mean that's the logical thing
It's not safe or pleasant
But some part of me is still devastated I suppose
I mean after all he has always existed with me
Even since I was born
He's always technically been there
Even if he was there hurting me

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid of the suicide note he'll leave
"Because of Liana" it will say
Whether it's true or not those words will echo my insides
And later appear as blood pouring down my arm

And part of me is sad too
I wish
**** I wish on every star that he would just be okay
Be there to protect me
A shoulder to cry on
Be a father
Not someone I may need a restraining order for

I carry it around with me everywhere
It chokes me
Wraps it's boney arms around me
Makes my body weak
And makes me not be able to eat

I told him I never wanted to see him again
And I know that it sounds cruel
"Oh, but he's your father!"
But he never was
I wish
Oh how I wish I would never have to utter those words

I want it to be normal that I miss him
Because part of my heart throbs
I want that if I said that those who knew what he'd done would get it
That it would be acceptable
Because right now I do miss him
Or maybe I miss what never was

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

What?

There's a kangaroo in your closet!

No...there isn't

It is, trust me it's there!

I know what's in my closet, what you're doing isn't fair

He's crying out for help, he's there, he's there!

I will not doubt myself
I saw there was nothing to be seen

But please...

Why do you care?

Because I made a mess in there...

I see
Please go far far away from me

I saw them
I saw her face
And I'm sorry
But I couldn't just watch it happen

They were not going to get away with it this time
No one messes with my friends.
No one.

You can call ME names
Make comments on MY body
And laugh at ME
But there's no way
That you're doing it to her

I hate when people say
"No one asked"
It makes whoever it is said to
Just feel so bad
For trying to share whatever they wanted to share
To the world
Why are people so cold?

I hate when people say
"No one cares"
How is it a thing
Said so casually in conversation?
What if it's someone's greatest fear?
And then they get told that
For talking
Like that helps anything
Or anyone
Ever

So if anyone says this
I'll just give them a glare
And I'll say to the victim
"They should speak for themselves because I'm listening
And I care"

All my life
I had strived to be normal

Once I finally move to this new school
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I style my hair differently
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I join this club
I will be normal
...I wasn't

I never was
No matter the rules I made
The clothes I wore
The school I went to

No matter how many how many YouTube videos on how to make friends I watched
The techniques I tried
And the books I read

Now
Only now
Do I finally accept
And take pride in
The fact that I am weird


Now
I try to find
Other weirdos like me
And make them my friends
Instead of the copy pasted people

I am weird
But I am weird
In a good way

One of my friends asked me
"Do you think I'm a good person"
My first instinct was to tell her
"Yes, of course!"
But then I remembered
There's no such thing
I explained to her that I believed
In bad actions
Bad intentions
But not bad people
Because who knows who they would have been if raised even slightly differently
And if it's not because of that
And they're simply born that way
It isn't their fault they are like that
Just bad luck

I say that her intentions are usually good
And so because of that
She should feel that way too

Telling myself

I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father

I am not the sound of my cry that sounds so similar to his
But every soul I touched

I am not my eyes that looked devastatingly like the ones he sees the world in his twisted ways through
I am every hug I've given

I am not all the disorders he passed on to me because he passed them on to me
Every scar that's mine is mine because I made it

I am not the nose that I took from him and see everytime I look at myself
I am every year I shed

I am not the slight accent he gave me
Or the curly hair I'm somewhat known for
I am every world I made even the slightest bit better

My genes cannot boss me around
I am not my father
I am not my father
Anything but my father
Please

I refuse to be nonchalant
I will be that person who's smile gets wider when they see you
Starts jumping up and down
I will be that person who cries every time a dog in a movie died
If something funny happens
Why wouldn't I let myself laugh?
If I see that the sunset looks especially pretty one night
I'll say it randomly in conversation
And I'll dance with my friends while listening to music on our way to buy random things from Walgreens at 11:00pm
If the sounds are too overwhelming
I'll go to hide in the bathroom
And yeah, if I see you cry
I'll probably cry too

A car broke down
And some pieces remain on the street;
Broken
And feeling missing

So as I walk,
I pick some up
And decided to make them part of something again
Where they will thrive
And feel full again

They shall not be "broken" anymore
Nor "trash" or "useless"
Simply because I decided so

I have a much better name for them;
"Art"

Right now
I am lying in bed
It's one AM
And things are haunting me
Making sure that I can't sleep

He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all these nowhere promises
To somebody

He's as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man
Can you see me at all?

You shouldn't wait for someone to lend you a hand
You awful
Awful
Nowhere man

I guess the medication worked
I don’t feel depressed

I don’t feel anything anymore

In class
When someone spots my bleeding thumb
Before saying anything to me
Thinking anything
They raise their hand
And say
"Mrs. S! Mrs. S! She's bleeding!

My head screams
"No no no no no"
As I walk to the nurse
What will she say?
What will she do?
Will she ask me questions?
Luckily she didn't
She barely glanced at me
And told me where the bandaids were
Phew!

I wonder what would happen if she saw how bad it looked though...

Of course you feel alone
People don't show when they feel bad
Scrolling on your social media
No one shows imperfection
Or the reality of the world

Of course you feel alone
There is no question in
"Are you okay?"
But a cue to say
"Yes"

Of course you feel alone
Because people cover up their scars
Are wear their masks all day
It's not just you
7 billion at least

Of course you feel alone
We're told
"Don't cry"

Of course you feel alone
If everyone is scared to be honest
Because we have a different opinion
We all might end up lying
Just like the other day
When someone told me
That they actually liked the book we read in class
As if it was a crime
And she was the only one
...
Three other people told me that

Of course you feel alone
And even in that
You're not
I'm right there with you
And so are billions of others
At some point in their lives

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

It's okay
Its okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
You're okay
You're okay
Everything will be okay
Okay?
You're okay
It's okay
It's okay
It's okay
Breathe and everything will be okay


I feel like I'll never be okay...

I would climb mountains
Hijack cars
Walk 26 days
And almost die
If that meant I could hug you
Even one time

One lonely night
Unable to sleep
Thoughts taking over
Exploding my brain
I wrote a poem for the first time
For me

One lonely night
When I discovered what writing did to me
Didn't sleep a wink
I just wrote and wrote
A sewer to the anxiety flooding me

One lonely night
I wanted to feel less alone

One lonely night
I wanted to read a poem
From the average person
Like me
Just trying to make though it each day

One lonely night
I came across Hello Poetry
And for fun
I submitted a poem
Not knowing
How this website would change me

Can I stop your reading of poems for a moment?
It will just take one second I promise
I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you

You may be thinking how I do not know you
But if you’re reading this
That must mean you’re still alive
And that is more difficult than it seems

I want to let you know
That you’re loved

And yiu may be thinking about how I have no idea
But I do
Because I love you

And I just wanted to remind you
That it wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
You did your best, dear

It wasn’t your fault

I just want to tell you that the sun was proud of you this morning
Because you got up
The moon was proud because you made it one more day
And your body was proud because yiu kept letting it store you soul for one more sunset

Smile-
form one's features into a pleased, kind, or amused expression, typically with the corners of the mouth turned up and the front teeth exposed.

But it is so much more. Imagine this:

You're waiting in line for lunch at school
you've had a really bad day
Your friends aren't talking to you
You failed a major test
your dad just left

The thoughts in your brain are taking over
You search the room for something to make it better
On the left is someone talking
On the right is someone talking
You look behind you, someone talking
But when you look at this person they do something different
They look at you kindly
And they smile

A smile is pointless if only polite
But this smile was beautiful, mouth open wide
How could she knows that you needed it so much?
Such a small action made your heart touched
But she didn't know
She just did it because she could
So you smile back
Somehow brighter than hers?
And suddenly your sadness has been cured

So you go to your table at lunch after getting the food
Feeling lighter and more than cured
You are happy, somehow
It doesn't last long
But now you can remember the kindness of one

The rest of your classes go by easier
After school you go out with a friend instead of eating food from the freezer
You get an okay night sleep
And this time you don't weep

More days go by, still feeling lighter
You don't even remember the smile
But now you have these habits from the days before
And you like your life more

It's crazy what one smile can do it's so easy but impactful if it's true

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

Ouch
It's so **** painful

I don't know what to do
With the pain

I don't know what to do
With the knowledge that I did it to myself

My thumbs bleeding
Throbbing as if my heart was right in there
Yelling at me
Judging me for what I did

The worst part
Is the next time I'll see a bump
I'll just do it all over again
Until it scars my heart and my body forever

I feel guilty
But I know it's mostly his fault
I got it from him
He gave it to me
I know he doesn't notice
Or worse
He doesn't care how he impacts me

But all I can feel now is
Ouch
Outside and in

I remember
Standing outside in the cold
I was only nine years old
But even then
I knew I shouldn’t go inside

Without a coat
In my new little dress
And flat little dress shoes
That I wore to a choir concert

My mom couldn’t make it
She was working
So it was just him

He didn’t watch it
Or tell me I was good after
In fact
I somehow made him mad

I didn’t want to get in the car
On the way back
I knew when he was angry
We shouldn’t be driving
But there was a loudness in his eyes
It was scary
And I could not ignore it
It told me I had no choice but to get in

He was
Reckless
Missing turns
Short stops
Yelling at drivers
Especially if they have white cars
Because as he says
“Anyone with a white car is an idiot”
Because that makes sense?

What was supposed to be a 10 minute drive
But it became at least 30 minutes

So when we got back
I decided to stay outside

I paced back and forth
Wanting it be warm
And to feel safe

Even then I knew
That is was best to stay away

Running
Back
And forth
Reach the line

I'm not that bad out of shape
But still struggling

Throat burning
Head pounding as if there's someone trying to bang their way out
And lungs desperately fighting for air

I give up...

I sit down when I reach the line
And try to catch my breathe
Instead of running back

Chest rising and falling
With each gasp for air

Oxygen
Why do you hate me?
Lungs,
Why aren't you working?

Coughs hurt my throat
And make me weak

I take my inhaler
But it isn't working
It's just making me shaky

Panic rising inside me

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

I take another puff
And wait
1
2
3
4
5
...
Breathe out
And couch violently

I'm going to die
I'm going to die
I'm going to die

No one notices

He ran into the street
The light was red
He made a car swerve

"You could die"
I scream at him from the sidewalk;
Eyes red and full of tears

"I want to,
And you want me to
So it wouldn't be that bad!"
He screams back
I just suggested upping the phone volume...

Everything is loud and out of control
Sounds of city surrounding me

So I just stand there
11 years old and alone
I don't know what to say
So I say nothing at all

He makes it to the other side
I don't know how to feel
He feels far away yet still too close
And I know I'll have to go closer

Let me present to you
The beginning of my birthday evening

Loud music
The bass shaking the ground and my mind
Loads of people dancing around
Shouting "ay, ay, ay!"
Bright lights spinning
Dizziness

The music is too loud
Too many people crowded around
Lights moving too fast
Everything seems like it is closing in on me
And collapsing

Depressed and angry at the world
I put a pencil between my teeth
My last resort
I hope with all I have
It will make me feel better

They're your friends
Until you need them
They want to make a meense
But not admit they are wrong
They'll help you
Until you need help
They claim they're all equal
But they discriminate
They say that they’re fine
But they are far from it
They can love you
But still hurt you
They can earn your trust
Just to steal from you
They can say that they discipline you
When they are harming you
They can say that they love themselves
When the love pours down their arms
They can look confident
But cry at their reflection
They can be your friend
And lie to you
They can claim they want peace
But start to **** one another
They can try to help each other
But hurt each other in the end

They are terrible
beautiful
confusing
complex
Loving
and hating

They are people

People
We are like colors
Of different shades
And different materials

Some preferred more than others
But no matter those differences
Together
We make a painting
On this giant canvas
That is our life on earth

And like all art
Some love this messy painting
Abstract and complicated
"Beautiful!"
They exclaim

And some think
"Orange and blue?
What idiot would do that?
I need to tell them that they're wrong
What's their name?"

People are like leaves
Some have been stepped on
And some have just fallen
Some have been taken by a child and cherished
And some left on the bottom of the leaf pile
Forgotten

People are like leaves
So different from each other
Some older
Some younger
Different shapes and sizes
Colors mixed together

People are like leaves
Some are misshapen and not picked up
And some are declared beautiful and get straightened in a book

Far away we are
But at least when we look up
We see the same sky

I figured it out
People just want to be hot peppers

Peppers are spicy which pushes people away
But their flavor is enough for people to stay
People still love them
cook with them
Eat them
They even learn to love their spice
Just existing is enough to suffice

People just want to be hot peppers
Their “flaws” are loved
People love them for it sometimes
Their wonderful flavors appreciated

People just want to be hot peppers
There are some who can't handle them
Which is normal if you're alive
But despite those haters
They still thrive

The people on the pages
Of those books that I hold close to my heart
Smell like home,
And are the light in the dark of my mind
Are so much better
Than the ones I know
In real life

I wish all the people I see on this site
Would be here
Because they are so much kinder than the average person
And if we would talk in real life
We wouldn't only say silly jokes
But have deep conversations

A prompt in ELA
"Perfect Day"
While everyone started their paragraphs about what their perfect days would look like
With watching TV
And going to the mall
I wrote a poem about how they don't exist
Because she didn't say not to

It went something kind of like this:


There is no such thing as a perfect day
Even if everything goes your way
And you get to sleep in
You eat your favorite food
The sky is blue
Not it's usual gray
And all of your morbid thoughts
Put away

Even if you
Spend the day alone in solitude and peace
Or with your friends
And loved ones
And if you buy a pony
Or win the lottery
Or just smile the whole day
It will never be a perfect day

Because as you lie in bed that night
Or maybe you think about it the whole day
Tomorrow will not be the same
And the sky will return to its gray
And the thoughts flooding back in
And the peace--gone

You can take photos of people
Things
Moments

I wish you could capture feelings too
So I can look at my smiling self
And remember that I I've done it before
So I can do it again
In moments like these
Where I feel that this terrible feeling
Will never end

Pick
Pick
Pick
Pick
My thumb is bleeding
Pick
Pick
Pick
Theres still a bump
Pick
Pick
Pick
It hurts
Pick
Pick
Pick
I need a band-aid
Pick
Pick
Pick
I don't have one
Pick
Pick
Pick
I have another thumb
Pick
Pick
Pick
Oh, it's also bleeding
Pick
Pick
Pick
I need to go to sleep
Pick
Pick
Pick
I lay down
Pick
Pick
Pick
It's still not smooth
Pick
Pick
Cry

I'm sorry
But you have to stay

I'm not ready to make a star for you yet

I texted you
When I felt so alone
And so scared
And so ready to disappear
You pulled me in to reality
Or out of my terrible one
And gave a good reason to live

I now knew that one person loved me

You hug me so much
And tell me you love me
And you kiss my cheek
And you run and smile when you see me
And I don't think you know
How wonderful that makes me feel

I knew that someone's experience is better when I'm there

You saw my monsters
And you noticed my face
And you noticed my hand picking at the thing touching my face
You heard my silent scream
And you told me everything was okay

I now knew that my screams could be heard if the right person listened

I cry as I write this,
I love you
I'm grateful
Thank you

I have never hugged them
But we are so close
I know so much
I know all of the terrors
I know all of the trauma
And all of the beauty

My mom basically adopted them
And they are basically my sibling

We're both strange
We're both awkward
And we both have a crazy parent

We are parents to pet rocks
So many art pieces
So many deep conversations

We may have never hugged
But Sophia
I really hope you know
How much you are loved