I don't need meds or hospitals
Therapy or lectures
I just need a hug

Not a
"Don't be mad at me
Hug it out"
Kind of hug

But a
"You're safe now
It's okay"
Embrace

I'm done being alone

One day I hope to be healed enough to truly believe that people are capable of loving me

How can it be "all in my head" when I think everyone is mad at me
But real when I'm questioning if my trauma actually happened

Who needs Zoloft, Lexapro, or Prozac
When you have dancing in the pouring rain
Being angry
With the sky
Screaming
with the thunder
Crying of the purest joy
Along with the drops of rain
A splashing around
like the child you didn't get to be
Would have wanted to
In puddles

I don't miss putting my ear against the door
Listening to yelling and breaking of glass
The pain in my chest as sharp as the peices fallen on the floor

I don't miss the tension that overwhelmed me
As soon as I saw him
And soon as I felt the presence of his body
In the room

But I miss my old couch-bed
Dog *** stained and all
I miss the few good memories I have
I miss my tree
I miss my dogs, though they're long gone
I miss the nightly routine
My mother getting me water before I slept
She might not have always been able to protect me
But every night she got me a glass
In the summertime, she'd even put ice in it
And I would feel like the luckiest little girl

I don't miss forcing food down my throat
Or getting high fevers as a way for my mind to cope
But I miss waking up in the middle of the night one night because of nightmares
And my dad seeing
And being okay that time

I slept in his bed that night
He didn't drink
He didn't smoke
He didn't break down or yell
He just hugged me for once
As tears poured down my cheeks
Suspicious of it but more grateful than I had words for

I miss that
I miss home
Please understand it
I know it was bad
Miserable
But it was the first thing I called me own
And it's where I became who I am in

You know it's really bad again
When all I can do
Is sit on my floor
Staring at sharp things I can't have
And putting a pencil between my teeth
Desperate

No one knew
I hid the monsters
Silenced my screams
Let myself completely die when they mowed the lawn most times
So they wouldn't think of me as a ****
And pushed some of my peices of the broken glass I am under rugs
And some I tape together
To show them
A smile
And be able to try and hold my voice steady
As I mumble
"I'm okay"

I had to be okay
I had to be strong
Because strong in this society means looking together
Pretending to be okay
Walking on your broken legs and trying to push the pain away
Not telling them everything
Becoming vulnerable

If I told them
What went on
It would be like giving them a hammer
As a glass they didn't like
And hoping that they wouldn't go mad
Hoping they wouldn't break me anymore than I was already broken
I couldn't take the risk
Anyhow
No one decided to call ******* on my vague, iffy lies
"Yeah, I'm okay"
"Oh, why did I have to run to the bathroom as soon as I heard someone yell? That's nothing, I have a small blatter, that's all"
They didn't care enough
It was easy to decide

But now
Now I have some people
Yes, they're people
Not trees or stars
That ask me
"Do you promise?"
Ones that check in once in a while
Asking me to write anything
Just to show that I'm alive
Because they want me to be
Truly
They listen
To broken glass
So I show them my monsters
And they listen hard enough to hear my silent screams
To pick me up, **** and all
And say
"What a beautiful flower"
And tell me
That's what I am

All they said was that they care
Something a lot of people hear a lot
But for me
Every time
I start to sob
Grateful tears
For once not ones of deep, unending pain
But ones as if to say
"Really? Wow, finally"

And they roll down my cheeks
In a different way
A way that seems peaceful
It reminds me of when
You're gazing up into the sky
Waiting for a cloud to move
To reveal something
Anything to make it better
Soothe the uncertainty and melancholy
The heartwrenching pain
And at last it does move
And the star behind it is more extraordinary than you'd imagined
And you can do nothing but watch it for a while
Marvel at it
Take a race around your mind
Trying to truly believe
That it really was indeed finally there after all this time
Beautiful

When they say they care
They care about ME
Of all people
Me
In all my brokenness
In all my strangeness
My intensity

They care
And that's just crazy to me
So I'll look at the text
Over and over
Making sure my mind didn't make it up

I'll replay the moment
Again and again
Confirming it actually happened
Remembering it is capable of happening to me
Happening to broken glass

And everytime I do
The tears start again
Grateful
And in absolute awe

It's crazy what words can do

The first question I ever ask anyone I'm trying to get to know
Is
"How do you feel about rain?"
And then
"If it starts pouring outside, will you take out your umbrella?"

Because their response to these questions
Can say a lot more about them
Then what their favorite food is
Or their favorite color

It's not even the words that they use to answer the question sometimes
But the tone of their voice
The excitement, or lack of
When they answer

Do they feel deeply?
When they love something, do they avoid it?
Are they with mother nature?
Do they dare to question what society has deemed unfit?
Are they upset when the sky gets angry?

In my old house
In my backyard
Is a tree
My tree

I used to go to it
Whenever I needed to
It was always there
Strong
Sturdy
Comforting
And I could always hug it
When I needed a hug
I could always speak to it
When I needed to talk
And it was always there
To make me feel less alone
It knew
I needed to hear a heartbeat next to me
One that I knew's blood wasn't pumping anger
Fear
But just beauty
Just peace
And so I would put my head to it
Feel it's bark in my forehead
The texture, so familiar
And hear the tree's heartbeat
My tree's heartbeat

No one else heard it
I made my friends try
The tree only let me hear it
It knew I needed it
I suppose

I crave to hear the beating once again
To feel the texture of the bark on my face
To sit by it and gaze up at the sky
But I can't anymore

Just the fact that it exists though
That I know it does
That I know that it's heart is still beating there
Just for me
That itself
Can relax me a little bit
Even if I can't go up and hug it

I'm a deep thinker
In school I am distracted
Questioning too much
Asking why it is that we're doing what we're doing
That we have to listen to what we are blindly listening to
But asking why there
Is considered arguing
So I become a "problem"

In the outside world,
I overthink everything
Wave to theoretical strangers in planes flying above
People are embarrassed to be seen next to me
"Why is that girl holding her head to a tree?"

In relationships,
I'm called intense
I speak too much of what I think
And I see the slightest change in the pattern of the way that they blink
I feel too deeply

In life,
I'm feeling too much too
I say it's just solitude
But it's more than that
I'm lonely
Because lonely means unseen
Not alone

At parties,
Everyone wants things to be light
They enjoy being asleep
But no matter how much I want join them sometimes
I was born with a mind always racing
Never stopping
Always asking
Always feeling
So so much
And I can see all the problems
They're everywhere from
Problems they see just as reality
But i can't tell them
If I don't want to be met with looks of displeasure and disgust
Silence,
And worst of them all
"Anywayssss"

I'm done with people being surprised by my speaking
Not knowing what to say
Being scared off
I know I can be intense
I'm sorry

I love deeply and I want to say it all
But I know I can't
I'm too intense
But it's hard to pretend
People mean less to me than they do
To some people out there
I have so many messages
I know are just
Too much
For me to send

Google describes it as
"A delightful and positive term often associated with unexpected discoveries and fortunate outcomes. "

And It's true
You are delightful
After all
My dearest serendipity

"Oh
But I lie!"
You say

"Oh,
but I steal!"
You try

But oh
Dearest serendipity
I love every "flaw"
I love you with every mistake you made
And will ever make
Because YOU made that mistake
It is YOURS
And it is therefore extraordinary

And you hate your body
But for me that just seems...
Strange, wrong
Because I love it
Even though I haven't really seen it that much YET
Or hugged it YET
But I do love it
Because it is YOURS
It takes care of YOU
It holds YOUR soul
And one day
Which I swear will come
When we're walking
And I lose you for a moment in a crowd
The sign of relief I'll make
Will be because I saw YOUR body
And it's beautiful
Because it's YOURS
And you are magic
Which means it is too
And one day
In my wholesome, not-stalkerish manner
I will hug it in all its glory
In it's perfection
Because I wouldn't have it any other wayi

And yes yes
You came with some unexpected discoveries too
For one thing
I now know what things like
"Canning" are
And now, because of you, I also know of the little spiky things that stick to you in small America
I also know they ****

But it's not just that
You made me discover how different two people can be
While still simultaneously
Being the same
While simultaneously being
Dare I say,
Two of a kind?

Yes, I do dare
Because you convinced me to
You convince me to try
To keep the razor down
And you say you believe in me
And every time you do
The words going through my mind are
"Serendipity
Serendipity
Serendipity"

And don't even get me started on "fortunate outcomes"
Because every outcome
That includes my dearest serendipity
Is fortunate
Even the ones that don't work out
Because you're there

You've never failed me
For as long as I've known of your existence
You say you do, a lot
But never have you
Even once

Because just knowing
That you're out there
And that you see the same moon
Sky
Sun
Is enough
My dearest, dearest, serendipity

I didn't know I needed you
No one did
They just gave me yet another therapist
Another kind of pill
Each bigger than the last
But I just needed them to prescribe you
But they couldn't because
As serendipity does
You seemed to just appear
And change my life for the better
Completely and utterly

Who would've known
That some country girl
26 days away
A writer
THE queen of sas
The beauty
nThe mater deep thinking and eye rolling
Would save my life
I didn't, certainly
But the universe did, I suppose
And it gave me a present a month ago
It arrived with a caution sticker on it saying
"Magical, perfect, sasy"
And I thought it would just be one of those random packages
But little did I know
She would save myself
Be my reason to breathe

A month ago
Little did I know
I was just provided
With serendipity

The best gift on earth you are
And I'm so grateful
My dearest,
Dearest,
Serendipity

It doesn't matter
How deep the water is if
You're drowning in it

One day
I will finally climb that mountain
I will hyjack a car

One day
When the e cops will ask me if I'm okay as I walk in the side of the road
I'll say
"Oh I'm great"
And it wouldn't even be a lie
Because I would know
What was to come
In only a matter of days

One day
I'll walk and walk
Until my legs don't work
And I'll keep going
On my knees

One day
I'll reach that small town
In small America
And I won't even mind the MAGA's
Because you'll be there

One day
You'll say
"I wish I could hug you right now"
And I'll climb in your room from the window
And give you the biggest one
The world has ever seen

One day
I'll be able to hold your hand
And we can walk on earth together
And eat all the jolly ranchers you'll spare
But I'll let you have all the watermelon ones

One day
I won't have to ask
"Still down?"
Because I'll be there
To see it myself

One day
You won't be 26 days away
But right there
In front of me

One day
I promise
And that'll be almost as magical
As you

I think as a society we should talk about death more
Because I'd rather be comforted by it
Instead of letting it have so much power

"Life is eventual death"
I wrote on the inside of my locker
It was a nice reminder for me
Relaxing
But people don't think about it that much
How it takes the pressure off
How comforting the idea is
They don't understand why
And so they look at me
And see broken
Sharp edges
But it's because we haven't talked about how wonderful the idea is that we can see the other side even if there's something in the way
I just want it to be okay that I'm broken glass
And that death will welcome us all one day

Ever since I was little I always knew that I had a soul to fragile for this world
I felt so much
So deeply
All the time

And everyone else just wanted things light
Constantly
But all the things they looked at as light
I saw my through
And felt as heavy

Maybe that's why I don't have all that many friends
Most people want things joyful all the time
And I can't help but even find darkness in that very thought
And so I collapse
Because that darkness swallows me
And everyone just thinks to themselves
"There's something seriously wrong with her"
And they're right

Every day before school
I'd pick up a dandelion
Hold it gently,
Carefully,
the whole day
To feel a little less alone
Because at least it was there

When no one else noticed
Or cared
There was comfort in knowing that the dandelion was alone in this world too
Called a ****
Unwanted
Annoying
But that it was beautiful and so lovable
It made me wonder if
Maybe there was a chance I was too?

And it hurts the most
When you try everything
And you still feel
Like someone is constantly twisting your chest
And banging on the inside of your mind

I am like a broken glass
Super glue doesn't hold
Peices missing
A mess

I am like a broken glass
Made to look somewhat together
With ****** clear tape

I stay on the shelf
Because most people don't know how broken I am
Most people don't realize it when they look at me
But I know

I am like a broken glass
But just wait until they fill me
That's what I should be able to handle, right?
That's what glasses do
Just wait until they try to take a sip
And then feel water sliding down their body
And down to the floor

So I just sit on the shelf
Knowing I'm broken
And feeling bad for anyone that tries to pick me up

"And I notice you go like this a lot"
He says
He's demonstrating the pinching and slapping of my arm I frequently do
I thought no one noticed...
But he did

Tears roll down my cheeks
I'm so grateful
So lucky
And then I notice he's writing something down
And I hear him talking about a plan
A plan to train my dog to help me
He's going to do it

Someone I know
Would do that

Someone that knows my flaws
Traumas
Scars
Would do that

And for the next 30 minutes
I just sit there
Wiping off my tears as they come
Wondering how I got so lucky
Wondering how I survived before
And I wish he was there in person
Not just over call
Because I wanted to run up to him
And give him the biggest hug

He said I deserved one
I cried then too
I sobbed
He has no idea how much he means
How I would climb to the moon
To make him smile

And he says he hates his body
He says he looks like a girl
But I just look at him and wonder how anyone could hate that
How could anyone hate that?
But I can't say anything
Because everyone will start their chants
"Liana and __ sitting in a tree..."

And yes it's kind of pathetic
I only have one person in my state I feel comfortable calling
Only one I want to talk to
But I couldn't ask for anyone better
Because he's everything wonderful left in this world
And I can not thank him enough
For even just existing
And giving a **** about me

I tried
I’m so sorry
But I couldn’t do it
I failed
I couldn’t keep my promise
And that’s not fair to you
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m so ******* sorry

I am so much
I am too much
Too much everything
Clingy
Intense
Quiet
Loud
And I’m simultaneously somehow
Still not enough

And as soon as the door closes
I collapse on the floor
Gasping for air
What is wrong with me?

Isolation contaminates my entire being until I'm nothing but a smelly lump underneath blankets trying to hide from scary thoughts

But somehow I'm already there and it still eats me

The dangerous thing for me is that I would die and excruciating death a thousand times just to make them smile once
And then I'll apologize if my screams from getting burned alive disrupted their sleep

I want to be skinned alive
Until I'm just a floating soul
bouncing around in the air
I want it all gone
The scars remind me
I'm not nearly enough strong

Loud thoughts spread
Like a virus in my mind
Spreading
Spreading
To every shred of my being
Telling me I deserve to bleed
I deserve to die
What the **** is wrong with me
Why
Why
Why

"A rising star" said the certificate of honor
I guess they were right
Stars are meant to burn
Until they explode
After all

And maybe I'm just being dramatic
Like my dad always said
Maybe it is just in my head

I know others have it worse than me
I know I can be quite annoying
Quite needy
I just love so deeply
Everything I do
Is done that way
It reminds me of when I had the knife
The blood pouring signed that I had done that deeply too
In a drawer in my bedroom is a bloodstained cloth that screams the same thing
So loudly

I'm not usually loud
I'm the kid so doesn't talk that much at school
The one who just takes the rage out in the form of doodles on the back of papers with dull pencils during class
And with sharp objects at night

"They aren't answering, they hate you"
"You're not talking enough"
"You're talking too much"
"They're definitely mad at you"
My head monster, Fred, shouts
So loud
So loud
So loud
I hate loud
I hate me

I try to reason with him
Tell him everything he's thinking is a lie
But despite it he just continues
"Die
Die
Die"

And so I hold the razor
"Bleed
Bleed
Bleed"
He continues

And I wish I knew
What I did
To deserve this

the clock ticks forward
you think it's too fast
you want to slow it down
somehow make it last

Your voice wants to be heard
To be more than just air to no avail
Because it speaks truth
It is beautiful

sometimes you swallow your words
you forget to be loud
but your optimism shines through
even the darkest cloud

It makes people realize
That maybe
They're not the only ones

Make them look to the left and see you
Struggling too
Living
And laughing and crying

Those words are more than air
Because air can't possibly feel this much like a hug
Like the feeling when you finally find a tree
And you just embrace it

You're that tree Elena
Like the one from your poem
It was swaying in the wind
Letting life move it beautifully

You reach up like the tree too
And you dare to say that there is a way
Always

And are trees just gray?
No
They are so beautiful
And their colors are so vibrant and beautiful and poetry

you are a burst of color
amidst clouds of gray
your words bring joy
to people every day

You are not just gray, Elena, like you said
I think they're right there, always
Even if they're hard to spot
They appear at every smile you make possible
And every beautiful word you write

you give your advice
to people you don't know
you brighten their days
but forget to go slow

But it isn't your responsibility, dear
You don't always have to be the tree for everyone
Eventually it gets claustrophobic when there are so many things
That you don't get sunlight for yourself

you are an amazing soul
with a wondrous light
when life kicks you down
you put up a fight

dearest girl,
You deserve it
You deserve all of it
The sun
And rich soil
The love
The warmth of the hug
And a break from it

You deserve it all

I broke a glass
It fell on the floor
Shattered into little pieces
Scattered everywhere
I said sorry to it
But the glass is still broken
Hmm
Interesting

I step on the floor
Got a piece of the glass in my foot
Throbbing pain
I said sorry it
But my foot sill bled
So odd

Dad,
One apology isn't enough
I'm still broken and bleeding

Maybe take out some super glue
It might improve my condition a little
But I will never truly be the same

If you cry, dear
I'll let you
Hold you in my arms
Tell you that you'll be alright
I'll collect your teardrops
And release them outside
On a dandelion seed
And say
"Look at the beauty your sadness created"

And maybe you'll say
"But it's a ****"

And then I'll respond
"But I love and want it in my garden
It's beautiful
And so stubbornly alive
Just like you
Because instead of dying
You cried
And now the world is more magical
Now the world is just more poetry"

And then we'll hold hands
And walk on the same earth
At the same time
And think about how many more dandelions we can grow
If we keep on existing

And we do
And we laugh
And we cry
And we live
And we almost die
But we don't
Because we need to tell more weeds they're beautiful

You say you hate your body
Many people do
But the human body is art
And nature
Which means that so is everything we hate about it

It's okay to have scars
The trees have them too
And they're still beautiful

The stretch marks on your skin
Are but the lightings in the sky
The beautiful, beautiful lighting
And those bumps are the stars

The fat, extra skin, cellulite are just the beautiful ocean water
And our hair is grass in an open field

And all of this is Art
Magic
Poetry
Nature
All of this is beautiful
So are you

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

On the hardest nights
that you go outside
When you can’t breathe
Can’t stop shaking
And you look up at the sky
Desperate to feel better

For the vines to soften their grip
For the monster to hold your hand
And you see something bright up there
Something you didn’t even know you needed
A star
You
And suddenly
Its magic makes everything okay again
For a moment the blood stops pouring
Just to marvel at the brightness

But the star is all the way up there in the sky
And no matter how many time you shout how much you love them
They never get to truly know how much they saved your life
Sometimes even
They think that their brightness is too much
Hated

And they want to stop their beautiful burning
In fear that it is too much of something beautiful
That they don’t truly understand how beautiful it is
And that it can’t be too much

Dearest star,
You are never going to be too gay for us
Love is poetry after all
Love is all of your unfinished poems to your unfinished story
And just know that we love you
So so much

Just perfect

And I know,
Depression blocks that all out
It whispers everything you don’t need to hear
It tells you you’re not enough
But sweetheart
We are so lucky that the cloud moved
And that we get to marvel at you

so fold the paper crane
but don't you dare call it wrong
fold the peach paper
into a shape as magnificent as you
but don't cut it anymore
it is already stained red

and make people happy without losing your shine
glow as bright as your heart desires
you can please people
without losing yourself in their storm clouds
you are too bright a star
to dim yourself to their darkness

And of course, you may not be blue eyed barbie
but you are beautiful in your own way
you are a meteor shower
and believe me, that's so much better
a rare phenomenon
a magical occurrence

Every scar
Ever ***** up
Every tear
All of it
Is beautiful
and whatever you wish
just know you cannot be extinguished

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

I would climb mountains
Hijack cars
Walk 26 days
And almost die
If that meant I could hug you
Even one time

Perfect doesn't mean without imperfections
Because imperfections are lovely
Perfect means that I wouldn't have to you any other way
So when you say you're not perfect
Because you've made some "mistakes"
I want to cry
Because those mistakes are beautiful
Because they are part of you
And you my friend,
Are perfect

Stay extraordinary,
I love you

Alone
Alone
Alone
I think I’m going crazy
Talking to myself
Questioning if I’m even alive
Hurting myself to see if I can even feel
Alone
Alone
Alone
Me and the sound of the air conditioner buzzing
Me and my million thoughts that all drown each other out
And it’s summer
I’m supposed to be happy
But I’m broken
Broken and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I just want someone to answer the **** phone
And I’m just so ******* sad
So so sad
And when people are sad they’re supposed to ******* cry
But my eyes are dry
Dry and sad
Sad and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I wanna see red pour down my body
The color to make me feel alive
Vibrant unlike my head which seems grey
Grey grey grey
Did you know grey is my least favorite color?
It feels so empty
Empty and
Alone
Alone
Alone
Like me
I’m my least favorite too
And I just slapped myself
My cheeks burn
And I want someone to reach out and stop me
But no
I’m just so utterly
Alone
Alone
Alone

Depression's a *****
Won't leave me alone
It thinks that my body is her home
And no matter how many times I assure her
No
She just keeps coming right back
Each time stronger than before

And my entire body
Is overwhelmed
By pain
Depression

My heart
Brain
Wrists
All so ready to
Just
Give
Out

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

I dress pretty feminine I guess
I mean I think I do
But the thought of being called a them makes me smile too

I love dresses
They're comfortable
I feel confident
Or at least more than I do in sweatpants
But sometimes I hate the circular things on my chest
Part of me wishes they were something else
But I'm a girl
Yes yes
Probably

Yeah
I love putting eyeshadow on
The colors make me happy guess
But then again
Part of me really wants to cut my hair short
Have a deep voice
And when someone calls me a she
The tiniest part of me wishes I wouldn't be
Probably nothing right?

But I don't really know
I don't think I'm right there in the middle
That's for sure
After all I like skirts
But I also sit like a guy sometimes
And it feels good
It feels in between
But no no no
I'm probably not
This is probably nothing
Probably

Most of me loves my name
I mean I know it's pretty
It's a vine
It's beautiful
It's nature
I love nature
But it's so feminine
But I guess it's okay
It's probably okay
I think this is fine
Whatever
I'm probably overreacting anyway
I don't need this now too

I'm a girl
That's what I've always been
Probably
Probably
Probably

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

We were at a dinner table
Yes a dinner table
It's crazy
And as I sat there laughing
My heart felt a sharp pain looking around;
Two kids
A mom
A dad
They called eachother babe
They loved eachother

And I know things are so far from perfect there too
But at that moment I wished that would be my life
But then they drove me back home
To my empty house
Where I cried alone

I don't know what I did to deserve this

I thought I'd never do it
That I was the only one in the universe like me
By I think I've finally found my tribe
And I think I've finally found my reason to keep going

Every little rejection
Every "I can't"
"Maybe"
Feels like I opened my chest
Giving them access to my heart
And they took it out
Twisted it
And put it back in bleeding

My reflection in the mirror taunts me
Who could ever love this?
My friends tell me I'm beautiful
But they are just kind
I see my body in mirror
I know that these are lies

In the photo
They are
Extraordinary
And there I am
With my awkward thumbs up
Hideous

"Too big"
My reflection screams at me
"Like your father"
It shouts

I hate myself even though
I am a person who loves
Loves so strongly
So easily
It's so easy for me to love others
But the mirror
Oh the mirror makes me hate me

I told him I never wanted to see him again
Which I guess was true
I mean that's the logical thing
It's not safe or pleasant
But some part of me is still devastated I suppose
I mean after all he has always existed with me
Even since I was born
He's always technically been there
Even if he was there hurting me

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid of the suicide note he'll leave
"Because of Liana" it will say
Whether it's true or not those words will echo my insides
And later appear as blood pouring down my arm

And part of me is sad too
I wish
**** I wish on every star that he would just be okay
Be there to protect me
A shoulder to cry on
Be a father
Not someone I may need a restraining order for

I carry it around with me everywhere
It chokes me
Wraps it's boney arms around me
Makes my body weak
And makes me not be able to eat

I told him I never wanted to see him again
And I know that it sounds cruel
"Oh, but he's your father!"
But he never was
I wish
Oh how I wish I would never have to utter those words

I want it to be normal that I miss him
Because part of my heart throbs
I want that if I said that those who knew what he'd done would get it
That it would be acceptable
Because right now I do miss him
Or maybe I miss what never was