I broke a glass
It fell on the floor
Shattered into little pieces
Scattered everywhere
I said sorry to it
But the glass is still broken
Hmm
Interesting

I step on the floor
Got a piece of the glass in my foot
Throbbing pain
I said sorry it
But my foot sill bled
So odd

Dad,
One apology isn't enough
I'm still broken and bleeding

Maybe take out some super glue
It might improve my condition a little
But I will never truly be the same

If you cry, dear
I'll let you
Hold you in my arms
Tell you that you'll be alright
I'll collect your teardrops
And release them outside
On a dandelion seed
And say
"Look at the beauty your sadness created"

And maybe you'll say
"But it's a ****"

And then I'll respond
"But I love and want it in my garden
It's beautiful
And so stubbornly alive
Just like you
Because instead of dying
You cried
And now the world is more magical
Now the world is just more poetry"

And then we'll hold hands
And walk on the same earth
At the same time
And think about how many more dandelions we can grow
If we keep on existing

And we do
And we laugh
And we cry
And we live
And we almost die
But we don't
Because we need to tell more weeds they're beautiful

You say you hate your body
Many people do
But the human body is art
And nature
Which means that so is everything we hate about it

It's okay to have scars
The trees have them too
And they're still beautiful

The stretch marks on your skin
Are but the lightings in the sky
The beautiful, beautiful lighting
And those bumps are the stars

The fat, extra skin, cellulite are just the beautiful ocean water
And our hair is grass in an open field

And all of this is Art
Magic
Poetry
Nature
All of this is beautiful
So are you

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

On the hardest nights
that you go outside
When you can’t breathe
Can’t stop shaking
And you look up at the sky
Desperate to feel better

For the vines to soften their grip
For the monster to hold your hand
And you see something bright up there
Something you didn’t even know you needed
A star
You
And suddenly
Its magic makes everything okay again
For a moment the blood stops pouring
Just to marvel at the brightness

But the star is all the way up there in the sky
And no matter how many time you shout how much you love them
They never get to truly know how much they saved your life
Sometimes even
They think that their brightness is too much
Hated

And they want to stop their beautiful burning
In fear that it is too much of something beautiful
That they don’t truly understand how beautiful it is
And that it can’t be too much

Dearest star,
You are never going to be too gay for us
Love is poetry after all
Love is all of your unfinished poems to your unfinished story
And just know that we love you
So so much

Just perfect

And I know,
Depression blocks that all out
It whispers everything you don’t need to hear
It tells you you’re not enough
But sweetheart
We are so lucky that the cloud moved
And that we get to marvel at you

so fold the paper crane
but don't you dare call it wrong
fold the peach paper
into a shape as magnificent as you
but don't cut it anymore
it is already stained red

and make people happy without losing your shine
glow as bright as your heart desires
you can please people
without losing yourself in their storm clouds
you are too bright a star
to dim yourself to their darkness

And of course, you may not be blue eyed barbie
but you are beautiful in your own way
you are a meteor shower
and believe me, that's so much better
a rare phenomenon
a magical occurrence

Every scar
Ever ***** up
Every tear
All of it
Is beautiful
and whatever you wish
just know you cannot be extinguished

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

I would climb mountains
Hijack cars
Walk 26 days
And almost die
If that meant I could hug you
Even one time

Perfect doesn't mean without imperfections
Because imperfections are lovely
Perfect means that I wouldn't have to you any other way
So when you say you're not perfect
Because you've made some "mistakes"
I want to cry
Because those mistakes are beautiful
Because they are part of you
And you my friend,
Are perfect

Stay extraordinary,
I love you

Alone
Alone
Alone
I think I’m going crazy
Talking to myself
Questioning if I’m even alive
Hurting myself to see if I can even feel
Alone
Alone
Alone
Me and the sound of the air conditioner buzzing
Me and my million thoughts that all drown each other out
And it’s summer
I’m supposed to be happy
But I’m broken
Broken and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I just want someone to answer the **** phone
And I’m just so ******* sad
So so sad
And when people are sad they’re supposed to ******* cry
But my eyes are dry
Dry and sad
Sad and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I wanna see red pour down my body
The color to make me feel alive
Vibrant unlike my head which seems grey
Grey grey grey
Did you know grey is my least favorite color?
It feels so empty
Empty and
Alone
Alone
Alone
Like me
I’m my least favorite too
And I just slapped myself
My cheeks burn
And I want someone to reach out and stop me
But no
I’m just so utterly
Alone
Alone
Alone

Depression's a *****
Won't leave me alone
It thinks that my body is her home
And no matter how many times I assure her
No
She just keeps coming right back
Each time stronger than before

And my entire body
Is overwhelmed
By pain
Depression

My heart
Brain
Wrists
All so ready to
Just
Give
Out

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

I dress pretty feminine I guess
I mean I think I do
But the thought of being called a them makes me smile too

I love dresses
They're comfortable
I feel confident
Or at least more than I do in sweatpants
But sometimes I hate the circular things on my chest
Part of me wishes they were something else
But I'm a girl
Yes yes
Probably

Yeah
I love putting eyeshadow on
The colors make me happy guess
But then again
Part of me really wants to cut my hair short
Have a deep voice
And when someone calls me a she
The tiniest part of me wishes I wouldn't be
Probably nothing right?

But I don't really know
I don't think I'm right there in the middle
That's for sure
After all I like skirts
But I also sit like a guy sometimes
And it feels good
It feels in between
But no no no
I'm probably not
This is probably nothing
Probably

Most of me loves my name
I mean I know it's pretty
It's a vine
It's beautiful
It's nature
I love nature
But it's so feminine
But I guess it's okay
It's probably okay
I think this is fine
Whatever
I'm probably overreacting anyway
I don't need this now too

I'm a girl
That's what I've always been
Probably
Probably
Probably

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

We were at a dinner table
Yes a dinner table
It's crazy
And as I sat there laughing
My heart felt a sharp pain looking around;
Two kids
A mom
A dad
They called eachother babe
They loved eachother

And I know things are so far from perfect there too
But at that moment I wished that would be my life
But then they drove me back home
To my empty house
Where I cried alone

I don't know what I did to deserve this

I thought I'd never do it
That I was the only one in the universe like me
By I think I've finally found my tribe
And I think I've finally found my reason to keep going

Every little rejection
Every "I can't"
"Maybe"
Feels like I opened my chest
Giving them access to my heart
And they took it out
Twisted it
And put it back in bleeding

My reflection in the mirror taunts me
Who could ever love this?
My friends tell me I'm beautiful
But they are just kind
I see my body in mirror
I know that these are lies

In the photo
They are
Extraordinary
And there I am
With my awkward thumbs up
Hideous

"Too big"
My reflection screams at me
"Like your father"
It shouts

I hate myself even though
I am a person who loves
Loves so strongly
So easily
It's so easy for me to love others
But the mirror
Oh the mirror makes me hate me

I told him I never wanted to see him again
Which I guess was true
I mean that's the logical thing
It's not safe or pleasant
But some part of me is still devastated I suppose
I mean after all he has always existed with me
Even since I was born
He's always technically been there
Even if he was there hurting me

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid of the suicide note he'll leave
"Because of Liana" it will say
Whether it's true or not those words will echo my insides
And later appear as blood pouring down my arm

And part of me is sad too
I wish
**** I wish on every star that he would just be okay
Be there to protect me
A shoulder to cry on
Be a father
Not someone I may need a restraining order for

I carry it around with me everywhere
It chokes me
Wraps it's boney arms around me
Makes my body weak
And makes me not be able to eat

I told him I never wanted to see him again
And I know that it sounds cruel
"Oh, but he's your father!"
But he never was
I wish
Oh how I wish I would never have to utter those words

I want it to be normal that I miss him
Because part of my heart throbs
I want that if I said that those who knew what he'd done would get it
That it would be acceptable
Because right now I do miss him
Or maybe I miss what never was

"Why are you looking at me like that?"
He asks
It's because I want to hug him and tell him he's so so lovable
And that he is a boy
But I can't

"I'm happy you're writing again, but I'm sad for you"
I say
I want to cry for him
Take all the hurt
And I know that's crazy
Either way I can't
And I won't

The bad side of caring so much I suppose

I got an award today
Apparently of high honor
Speeches about me
Proud people, teachers from way back crying
But I cry in my car now
I still hate myself
Why?

I want someone to slap me
And chop off my head
I hope it's painful
And that it will continue to be painful for the few minutes before I am dead

I feel like I'm a waste of perfectly good air
Everyone hates me
And I think I hear death calling my name

Proof that people have so many layers, and that we are all so beautifully complex and interesting:

Whenever I yawn as I get up from bed
I do a high pitched sequel
Because my old dog used to do that when I was younger
And I wanted to be like her

When I want someone to get something for me I always say "I can't reachhhh"
And stretch m out my arm
Even if it's on the other side of the house
Because once when I did that I made someone laugh as they were crying

Whenever I ask someone if they're okay
And they say they are
I always ask
"Do you promise?"
Because someone did that for me once and it made me feel so loved

I have a folder on Pinterest saved as
"Everything is alright sweetheart"
Full of strangers talking to the camera
Comforting the theoretical strangers watching
Because the very fact that someone would do that
Is enough to comfort me sometimes

Whenever I need help to do the simplest electronic-related task
I always ask
"Can you do magic pwease?"
Because it always makes one of my friends smile
And I would do so much for that

When I was younger I used to light a candle in my room
Close my eyes
And pray to the stars
To make things better
Because I knew that no god I wanted could put me through this pain

I reread old text messages every night
Over and over
To prove to myself that it's all in my head
And no one hates me
Because once when my friend told me she felt that way
I gave her that advice randomly
And I realized it was actually helpful

I've recently created something of a bond with someone that seems to be almost magical
And I think it's because we're both real
And because with eachother honesty seems like the only option

Instead of
"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"Good."

It's
"How was your head today?"
"Still depressed. You?"
"Still depressed"

And there's something so special about that
It's as if I encountered another alien hopelessly walking around earth
With all the humans and wondering why they have green skin
And showing them that we can be different
Together

Words we don't hear from our parents
"You're doing so good"
"You got this"
"You're safe and cared about and loved"
"I'm so so proud of you"
We give eachother

Talking about the very fact that we exist
Politics (or that it *****)
Family
Depression
Unforgettable memories
Favorite stupid shows and movies
I swear it feels like a dream

Mentally ill
Real
Empathetic
Grew up too quickly
Love and feel so deeply
...
I think I don't feel so utterly alone anymore

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

When I was younger and it was rainy I didn't like to go outside
"Oh but it's messy
It's so cold
And I'll get soaked!!"
I thought
I was too worried about surviving to think about truly living

But every moment I get older I seem to appreciate rainy days more and more
For today when it was raining I went outside and jumped in puddles
Rubbed mud on my arms
Legs
Face
Not minding that there was dirt under my fingernails

I do not even call it messy anymore
I call it one with mother earth

The cold I once said I hated even seemed comforting for it reminded me that I was indeed alive

I wished it would rain harder
So I could be even more covered in authenticity
and so the sky could be reminded that there were some
Who loved the natural things she made
That there were some that didn't open their umbrellas to avoid her

When I was younger I didn't think about wearing shoes all that much
I wore them everyday, everywhere
I suppose I was more worried about not angering my father
Then truly living

But now I go barefoot in my backyard so I can feel the grass under my feet
So I can stand on Earth

It's so simple
"Standing on earth"
But I take so much pleasure in it
I take so much pleasure in the removing the barrier between us
Me and mother nature

I think who I am now is partly letting my survival-focused inner child out
Because she was too worried to splash around in puddles

I am in my body
I am in my mind
How come I am not the one who decides?

Sometimes the memories
Need to roll down my cheek
Before I can let them go

Dear Friend,
I hope this website will save you
Just as it has saved me

The souls, so kind
The words are ever beautiful
And the poetry, so incredibly feeling

I hope you will find the strength
To keep on writing
And maybe share some
With this wonderful, wonderful community

****
If when I hurt myself
I'm hurting the younger version of me too
When my father gets hurt by me
I must be hurting the little boy playing in the grass
Having hobbies that his parents said were a faze
And who never thought that the person he is now
Would be the person he was going to be

When he says I'm the reason he wants to die
Does that mean I'm killing that innocent child too?


Guilt consumes me
I hate my mind

Poetry isn't just rhymes
Poetry isn't even always words
Because when I look at some people
I think
How could they possibly be anything but poetry?

The moon in the sky
Ever-changing
Always beautiful
I look at it and think
How can anyone look at this and not see poetry?

Sometimes when the right person hugs me at the right time
When I feel that feeling I think
This is poetry.

My cat on my lap is poetry
The sunset
The green of the grass you're lying in
A room full of real smiles

A parade for the gays celebrating love
Love is poetry
How could love not be poetry?

I promise you
You haven't lost your ability to create it
Because you yourself are poetry
And everytime you make someone's world even a little bit better
That. Is. Poetry.

You. Are. Poetry.

Leaping through the night's darkness
For my star is always there when I'm alone
Screaming silently with the thunder
Because only if we can scream freely can I call this world home
Dancing in the rain
Because I love that the sky cries too
And holding hands with my mind's monster
Because she shouldn't be lonely and bruised
I whisper to her "you are me and I am you"

When you fly high
The fall is hard

It’s hard to listen to kind thoughts
When your ears are stuffed with sadness

Can I stop your reading of poems for a moment?
It will just take one second I promise
I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you

You may be thinking how I do not know you
But if you’re reading this
That must mean you’re still alive
And that is more difficult than it seems

I want to let you know
That you’re loved

And yiu may be thinking about how I have no idea
But I do
Because I love you

And I just wanted to remind you
That it wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
You did your best, dear

It wasn’t your fault

I just want to tell you that the sun was proud of you this morning
Because you got up
The moon was proud because you made it one more day
And your body was proud because yiu kept letting it store you soul for one more sunset

What do you think it does to a child
When their father tells them
That they're the reason they want to commit

What do you think it does
When they try infront of you
Twice

"Because of you" he shouted
Cursed at me
Calling me a *****
Telling me I was the reason he stepped in to the street

What do you think it does?
Well they don't remain normal do they
They don't want to be put in that situation again
At the very least

I love seeing the sunrise every morning in the car on my way to school
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my sadness

Despite me not wanting to rise myself
The sun rises each morning
And each morning it is beautiful
No matter what

I love seeing the sunset every night in my backyard
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my anger
Even though I sometimes want to shatter into tiny pieces
It still provides a beautiful and whole view

It sets despite how jealous I might be
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my jealousy

I love the sun

It feels great to be unique
It feels beautiful to be special
But being one of a kind
Is so lonely

Can there please be at least one other person in this universe
That's like me?
Can we be two of a kind together?
Just one...
Please

I've had enough of this
I just need ONE other person

Telling myself

I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father

I am not the sound of my cry that sounds so similar to his
But every soul I touched

I am not my eyes that looked devastatingly like the ones he sees the world in his twisted ways through
I am every hug I've given

I am not all the disorders he passed on to me because he passed them on to me
Every scar that's mine is mine because I made it

I am not the nose that I took from him and see everytime I look at myself
I am every year I shed

I am not the slight accent he gave me
Or the curly hair I'm somewhat known for
I am every world I made even the slightest bit better

My genes cannot boss me around
I am not my father
I am not my father
Anything but my father
Please

Everyone needs to shut up
Too loud
Too loud
Too loud for my mind

I hear the lights buzzing
The talking
And the poisonous thoughts my head is feeding me on a sharp knife
I swear they could ****
Either way I don't feel stronger now

I'm too weak
Too weak
Too weak for this world
I don't know how much more I can handle
Before I implode

The air is too thick
Too thick
Too thick for my lungs
I can't breathe
Everything is too much

Looking around the
Giant room full of people
Not a friend in sight

Why I am I not allowed to be momentarily devastated by my mind?
Why must I smile and wave in the hallways when I need to collapse in their arms?
Why must I nod when I need to cry?
I want to run to someone
And embrace them
And weep
And scream
Why must I be expected to walk away?

Why am I not allowed to be broken for a little while?
Why must I hold myself together with the ****** glue that is the 4 hours of sleep I got?
I want to just be in an empty room
With one person who will hold my hand
Who will say it's okay to be devastated
And anxious
For a little while
So that I won't have to turn my assignment in with only poetry and doodles on it

Behind the darkest clouds
The sun can still shine
You just have to embrace the storm
Dance in the rain
And scream with the thunder
Until it passes
And then you can lie in the sun