"I'm fine" won't do it anymore
I want to fall into his arms and weep
"Tired, that's all" isn't completely true
I want to walk for hours in the rain right now, not sleep
"I don't think anything's going on between us" is not exactly right
When I want to tell him that it's not just frogs and poetry that I like

How do you tell someone how you really feel?
I feel so naked
I'm scared, I've lost all protection from their knife

Telling myself

I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father

I am not the sound of my cry that sounds so similar to his
But every soul I touched

I am not my eyes that looked devastatingly like the ones he sees the world in his twisted ways through
I am every hug I've given

I am not all the disorders he passed on to me because he passed them on to me
Every scar that's mine is mine because I made it

I am not the nose that I took from him and see everytime I look at myself
I am every year I shed

I am not the slight accent he gave me
Or the curly hair I'm somewhat known for
I am every world I made even the slightest bit better

My genes cannot boss me around
I am not my father
I am not my father
Anything but my father
Please

Everyone needs to shut up
Too loud
Too loud
Too loud for my mind

I hear the lights buzzing
The talking
And the poisonous thoughts my head is feeding me on a sharp knife
I swear they could ****
Either way I don't feel stronger now

I'm too weak
Too weak
Too weak for this world
I don't know how much more I can handle
Before I implode

The air is too thick
Too thick
Too thick for my lungs
I can't breathe
Everything is too much

Looking around the
Giant room full of people
Not a friend in sight

Why I am I not allowed to be momentarily devastated by my mind?
Why must I smile and wave in the hallways when I need to collapse in their arms?
Why must I nod when I need to cry?
I want to run to someone
And embrace them
And weep
And scream
Why must I be expected to walk away?

Why am I not allowed to be broken for a little while?
Why must I hold myself together with the ****** glue that is the 4 hours of sleep I got?
I want to just be in an empty room
With one person who will hold my hand
Who will say it's okay to be devastated
And anxious
For a little while
So that I won't have to turn my assignment in with only poetry and doodles on it

Behind the darkest clouds
The sun can still shine
You just have to embrace the storm
Dance in the rain
And scream with the thunder
Until it passes
And then you can lie in the sun

So you know how sometimes when you start to give up on humanity
someone wonderful happens?
Like when you just walking somewhere and a stranger says that they like your outfit
Or someone that you've never before smiles and waves
And you think that maybe
People aren't so bad?

My idea of a successful life
Is to be that person
As many times as I can

I'm the rain
I don't hurt anyone
I just exist and try to be as genuine and gentle as I can
I try to grow flowers
But they stay inside

As I pour over the town
I squint into one backyard
Where someone is dancing in the thing they are avoiding

I want them to love me even when I'm preventing the sun from going in their eyes
I want them to love me when I wasn't holding back
When I let myself be
Like they were
When they were spinning and jumping

I am rain
I am the tear of the cloud
I am everywhere
And I've seen so much
But I guess I still don't know where to fall

I am rain
And I want to be loved too
Which is why I smile when they keep their umbrella closed
And step outside
And get covered with authenticity

I am rajn

I want to sit by the water and hold eachother's hands
I want us to wipe eachother's tears
I want us to have a song thats OUR song
I want us to have a spot that's OUR spot

I don't want to pass messages through people
I don't want a friend to tell you how I feel
I want to talk to you
And then hug you after
And then figure it out from there

I don't want the whole world to know everything
I want it to be ours
I want to write poems together
And sit there in silence with our thoughts and hold hands

And just by doing that
It will scream love and togetherness more than words could ever be shouted

I want to know already
If it's just me
And I want to talk to you in person
To try and figure it out
So this can be as ours as anything could be

I saw them
I saw her face
And I'm sorry
But I couldn't just watch it happen

They were not going to get away with it this time
No one messes with my friends.
No one.

You can call ME names
Make comments on MY body
And laugh at ME
But there's no way
That you're doing it to her

I forgot my shoulders were distractions
So he lent me his sweater

Am I delusional
Or does he like me?

I have never hugged them
But we are so close
I know so much
I know all of the terrors
I know all of the trauma
And all of the beauty

My mom basically adopted her
And she is basically my sister

We're both strange
We're both awkward
And we both have a crazy parent

We are parents to pet rocks
So many art pieces
So many deep conversations

We may have never hugged
But Sophia
I really hope you know
How much you are loved

I texted you
When I felt so alone
And so scared
And so ready to disappear
You pulled me in to reality
Or out of my terrible one
And gave a good reason to live

I now knew that one person loved me

You hug me so much
And tell me you love me
And you kiss my cheek
And you run and smile when you see me
And I don't think you know
How wonderful that makes me feel

I knew that someone's experience is better when I'm there

You saw my monsters
And you noticed my face
And you noticed my hand picking at the thing touching my face
You heard my silent scream
And you told me everything was okay

I now knew that my screams could be heard if the right person listened

I cry as I write this,
I love you
I'm grateful
Thank you

My mind tells me I deserve to bleed
That it’s okay that it hurts like hell
That it’s good that the blood won’t stop
Because the blood is mine
The blood is of the person who messed up in conversation
The blood is of the one who’s eyes are devastatingly like her father’s
Of the person who got to school 4 minutes late
And for the one who just sat there class while she knew that there was someone somewhere in pain
For the one who wasn’t there to help them

But my mind also asks me
If my blood is the same
as the three year old who’d play
with napkins and pens
Because creative and strange
Is far better
Than bored and average

My mind asks
If the skin that I tear open
Is the same skin
That the 7 year old’s tears poured down on
Because she was starting to understand
That her father’s behavior was not normal

And even though that ******* that is my head told me to my face
That I am unlovable
And that I deserve to bleed
It somehow had the nerve
To make me feel guilty for yet another thing

It told me I was hurting
the little girl who already
Was struggling

And it told me I was hurting
the grandma with grandkids on her lap
Of whom I’m threatening
Deprivation of snuggling

My mind said
That by doing that
I deserved to bleed and suffer even more

And as the pain starts
It asks me again
If it was just me that I’m hurting

“Are you okay?”

Sweetheart, I write poetry
And some kindhearted people said I write it well
…
That can only mean one thing
My mind is an unescapable hell

“Yeah, just tired”

Maybe it's ***** and dusty
And gets flooded with water sometimes
But it's more mine than anything

Poetry hung on the walls
From those on this genius website,
Paint accidentally on purpose spilled on the floor,
Art supplies on cardboard boxes decorated with pictures and paintings of mushrooms, frogs and jellyfish just because I think they look cool,
Stars made out of tin foil hung from the ceiling pipes just because

No one else really likes it in there
It's just a basement after all
But is it?

I remember when 2nd grade
We had a lockdown
But I had so much to say
So much that I felt it very hard to stay silent

I wanted to know why someone would try and shoot us
And why turning off the lights would stop them

But Mrs jones had just shook her head
And shoved a lollypop in my mouth
(I didn't say another word)

I wish I could do that to my head
It won't shut up

What if they weren't even silent
But no one cared to see where the sound came from?

What if they knew where it came from
But didn't care enough to fix it?

Oh brain
Please stop
...
I don't need anymore thoughts

Dear, if you are cold
I will knit you a sweater
From every strand of my heart

Dear, if you are scared
I will knit another one for the monsters in your head
And together we'll hope
That the warmth will help to make the wounds hurt a little less for them
So they won't have to squeeze as hard
And they can just gently hold your hand

And then maybe
We can all hold hands together
Watch the world
And do nothing but be alive

My dear friend, if you feel like you're poetry
And the world doesn't even know their letters
I will write a book with you
From the pages of soul

Dear, if you feel alone
I'll show you that book
So you'll finally know

Will you knit a sweater for my monsters?

Why did they have to tell kids
That the moon wasn't really following their car?

I liked to think that it was protecting me
I liked to think that it knew that I may have not been safe in that car
That maybe it cared enough about me
To choose me
And keep me safe
Even from afar

When trees would cover it
It would get scared it left me
And that I was all alone in the world
But then my teacher told me
That I was

"It's an illusion" she said
I hid in the bathroom and cried
I felt lied to

Why do they take that sense of wonder away from us?
Why couldn't I still believe that the moon follows my car?
Why couldn't I still believe it was keeping me safe whenever I was in my dad's car?

Now I look up at the sky when I'm driving
And see the moon
And wish I would still try to send it messages of thanks
And sometimes I do
Even though it seems silly

I pretend that I believe that the moon still follows my car
Even though it stopped many years ago

A pink promise
That you won't read
my heart and soul just yet

These poems are the sewer for the flood of terrible thoughts constantly raining down on my mind

Please understand
...
That this is where you stop reading Mai

Read everyone else's though,
This website saved me
And I could not recommend it more
(Seriously)

Okay, you think I'm pretty
But will you walk in rivers barefoot with me?
Will you just sit there in silence and pick flowers with me?
Will you be there even when I don't want to be anywhere?
Will you stay after you see what I've done to my ankles?
Will you dance in the rain with me?
Will you hold my hand when something reminds me?
Will you understand when I want to be alone?
Will you be okay with not being okay?
Will you love me even when I hate myself?

I know it's unrealistic
And that the books I read set the expectations high
But I can dream

I woke up in the morning wanting to pick dandelions from my backyard
so I got up from bed
Went outside
Sat down on the hot pavement
And inspected one

To me it was a beautiful flower
But it was crazy that they are usually considered weeds just because they decided that they weren't wanted
I wanted that dandelion though
so I picked it
I smelt it
Appreciated it
And sat there in silence
Listening to nothing but the birds in the sky chirping to one another

I started to feel bad for the dandelions too;
Not because I picked them out of the ground but because nobody else wanted to
I felt bad that everybody else decided as a society that they were weeds and that they should be thrown out and not admired

I look at a planted flower and I realize that it is no more beautiful
It didn't smell better
And that I didn't want it more

I put the dandelion I picked in water,
And put them in my room

I'm gonna look for the dandelion-like "weeds" in my school now

Thank you dandelion for everything you've taught me

If I am everyone and everything
And everything and everyone is me
Why do I feel so ******* lonely?

He’d call me into the bathroom
Pinch my arm
Or find cut on my skin
And rub alcohol on it
“Doesn’t that feel good, Liana?”
He’d say

I knew I only had one option
And that was to say yes

I just want someone to love me enough
That the scars seem just as beautiful as my eyes to them

The feeling
In your chest
Of something pulling it inside of itself
Twisting it
Twisting it
Twisting it
Until it bleeds
It throbs
And it won't stop
It won't stop
Why won't it just stop?

But do you know the feeling
Of just wanting someone to notice
To care
To heal the wounds or at least tell me that they are able to be healed
That a certain amount of care
A certain amount of gentle, loving handling will be able to fix it

There is so much broken
And it hurts
It hurts like hell and no one sees
I AM BLEEDING IN FRONT OF THEM
AND THEY STILL DON'T SEE

I sit in class
Stare at my empty paper
Write the same words
Over
And
Over
And
Over
And they hand me a test
Or they talk about drama
Or they pretend I don't exist (are they even wrong?)
When I just needed a hug

I needed to wrap my arms around someone
And no longer feel like I was on a different planet than everyone else while simultaneously being directly next to them
I want our bodies to touch,
Our souls to entangle,
And our heartbeats to slow eachother down

And now I hug my pillow

I know I have people who care
But they don't see
And if they don't see
They won't have a reason to hug me

And my chest is still twisted
I want it to stop
I want it to stop
I want it to stop

H
     e
         l
               p
      

        M
    e

They always say to rest in peace
But I've always wondered
Why we don't live in it too

The dead are dead
And we are living
Why do we save the good stuff when we're disintegrated underground?

Ann Frank was right about flowers
But there's more

My father said he loved me

Not the father you may have heard of
But the one who adopted me

And it was different than the way my abuser says he loves me
Because he treats my like a person he hates
But this 14 year old Trans dude who randomly said
"This one's mine"
Does

I love to chose my family

He showed up to my performance
He said he was proud
He didn't make a scene
He didn't yell
He didn't scream

He just hugged me
I hugged him

He cried
I cried

Hell I'm crying as I write this
I am so grateful for him

Take a deep breath
And just exist bro
Thats all you need to do

Like a cat
Staring out the window
Just being
It just is
Lying there in the sun;
Just living
Not caring about doing ****

All you need to do in life
Is live
Just keep living
Keep on floating
Just keep swimming in life
I mean dory was on to something

We just need to be
I am not a human doer
I am a human being after all

We don't always have to be doing something
We don't always need to be filling our mind to the brim
It just makes a storm inside
Makes you feel tense
All the time

That's why we scroll
Why we are so hungry for entertainment
It empties our mind
But what if we could just train ourselves
To achieve that anyways
By just sitting by a river
Or by your dog

When you realize that you can just be
You can just exist
You start to do things because you want to
And not because you need to
Those everyday things that you do
That you felt like you needed to do
You are now doing because you want to

And you FEEL the difference
In your whole soul
And it changes everything
It's peaceful

You are no longer pushing back
Tiring yourself going against everything
Because you need to be doing SOMETHING
Just exist bro

Be like a cat

I stood up from my chair in class
With anger and passion and pain in my eyes and my soul waiting to be let out and to be freed
To be seen
And heard
For ideas
For minds to be change
I stood up from my chair in English class
And I spoke from my soul

I said what wasn't fair
That we are so molded by our surroundings
That we should reform so much
That our minds are being filled with unnecessary knowledge and unbearable pain everyday
That we are looked down upon
That we are treated as possessions
But that we alive
All of us

I spoke of the fisher
Who killed the fish
So it would float and follow the stream
And of monsters in our minds that our peers are luring out every day

And the kids laughed
And I think I saw a tear in one eye
But I also heard the sounds of clapping hands from most

And my teacher simply said
"Liana, I can't do much and I know that
Buy I thank you
For trying to change the world"

I smiled

I do not often write of love
For I have mostly only been stabbed by the thorns of the rose
I bled
And it left an ugly scar

But I know smell the sweet flowery smell
As I see him in the hallways
With his noise cancelling headphones on

He feels the walls closing in too
He feels thinks the mic tape is itchy too
He knows the feeling of blood pouring down your body
He feels things deeply too

He saw the face of panic
He took me somewhere quiet
I calmed down
He calmed down
We sat there in silence
Laughed
Nothing like that has ever happened before

"Beautiful" he called me
Is that flirting
Or is he just being friendly?

I'm not sure
If he even likes girls
After all, most good guys are gay
But hopefully
He feels the same way

I do not often write of love
But I don't think the sweet smell of the flower
Had ever smelled this sweet before

They said I’ve changed
That I’m different than I was in September
That they liked her more

Of course they did
She was another dead fish going with the stream
She was scared
She didn’t want to make them upset

She tried to pretend that she was sane
That she was normal

She was sad
All the time
She was trying not to cry

She’s gotten better
Why is that not good enough for you?

The scars are starting to heal
Don’t make me make new ones

Razor
To
Skin

Pain
Pain
Pain

I am alive
I am screaming for help
It is silent
Like my cry

Why
Why
Why

I think it’s gotten to the point
Where only poetry can save me

Stay with me here,
You have just died
…
Take a moment to acknowledge that
And think about it
Think about how it’s all over

You will never speak to a loved one
cry uncontrollably
Or throw up as your mother caresses your back

You will never compliment another stranger
Or have a silent panic attack

You will never get a bad grade
Or lose a friend
For you are now dead

Congratulations, you made it this far
Was what I thought
Crying and jumping outside in the rain of New Year’s Day
As if I would never step into my house again

I was not nearly as happy that I got an A on that essay
Or that I’d exercised that one day

I was the most happy that I survived that one bad day
that I felt sad
I felt overcome with rage
Or overwhelming happy

I was alive
That was life
And it was everything
While simultaneously being nothing

We live to die
But we live to live on

Just enjoy now
Or don’t

Be positive
Or don’t

Play the piano that is our life to the fullest and
Most beautiful song;
The one with black keys too
But they don’t feel right in their own, do they?


I can only remember though
I suppose
Because we are both dead right now
Busy looking from a different point of view

I asked
I spoke
I cried
I got help

I guess not everyone ***** after all

Drink some water
Eat something
Write a poem
Take a walk
Just sit there and exist for a moment

It’s okay
Nothing really matters anyway

Poor young girl
I dared to cry
Little did I know
my dad would
“Try to make me feel better”

He would pull his shirt over his face
So I wouldn’t see his expressions
The things that make him human
But I would see his stomach
And I would see him chasing me around the house

“No!”
I would shout
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
He was scary

But I was little
And not so fast
So he would grab me

I was trapped
In my mind
In the house
And in his arms clutched against his bare, hairy chest

And maybe I never truly left there
Trying hard to believe that he was truly trying to help me
Trying to be okay
Trying to stop what he was doing from hurting me constantly
Trying
Trying
Trying

I have since recovered slightly
With meds, poetry, and therapy
but I still feel the squeeze of his hands sometimes
I still his chest hair against my neck
I still feel the fear of a switch
The fear that someone will get angry

I’m still a little trapped
And a little afraid to cry

When they cry
I provide comfort

When they scream
I tell them they have the right

But they don’t notice it in me
For my tears flood my heart
And my screams are silent

I have some hard battles
I just keep them inside and quiet

She is a dog.                   She is my sister
Your half sister.             We share our trauma
She bites.                        She was neglected
She barks.                       It’s not her fault
She’s dangerous.           Her owner is dangerous
I hate her.                        I love her
She pees on my bed.     My dad locks her in my old room
We are so different.        We are so similar
So far apart.                     So very connected

I know it's easier said than done,
But maybe instead of deporting children with brain cancer to Mexico to die
And depriving the depressed and suicidal meds
We just

Don't?

Instead of misgendering Trans people's passports
And denying people health care
We just

Love?

Could we possibly
Not encourage ******
And not cut down millions of trees in forests and parks
But just

Not ****?

I don't know,
Just a dream I guess

Because I feel that days are all the same;
Boring
Dull
And lame

I ask all my teachers a question
"Would you mind telling me as many uses for a paperclip as you can name?"

The numbers ended up being
10, 5, 8, and 2
Uses for a paperclip

And after they were done
They asked why

The average adult can name 15
And the average kindergartener can name 60
Because as you get older
You ask less questions

"Can the paperclip be 100 feet tall and made of chocolate?"
"Can it be made of water and fit perfectly in a glass"
"Can it become president and pass laws?"

But society gets to the souls
The creativity
The curiosity
And discourages it
So that the only answers I were
"To clip paper"
And "as a bookmark"

A car broke down
And some pieces remain on the street;
Broken
And feeling missing

So as I walk,
I pick some up
And decided to make them part of something again
Where they will thrive
And feel full again

They shall not be "broken" anymore
Nor "trash" or "useless"
Simply because I decided so

I have a much better name for them;
"Art"

I look around the full gym
Full of souls
Hundreds and hundreds of them
Sitting on bleachers

And I remember something crazy
I don't know **** about any of them

Every single one
Has problems
Thoughts
Feelings
Beliefs
And a life
And I don't know it

I wonder how many people's parents
Provided them with trauma
And how many provided them with care and love

I decided that I didn't like most of them
When I only saw their outside
I only  saw their carefully sculpted masks

How dare I?

As you close your eyes
And slow your breathing
I long to finally be let free
More and more

I am desperate
I just want to sing and to scream
To escape the pressure
And to be something other than a darkness following you around constantly

Finally, you are taken over by sleep
And I am released
I can do anything
But as soon as I leave
I hear your silent screams

“Help me!” You try
Eyes closed
Heart open and out on your sleeve
Helpless
In danger
Without my protection

I don’t get very far
Only have a few seconds of being separate
Being myself
And just myself
But soon enough
You need me
And I can’t ignore your plea

So instead of roaming and screaming and exploring the world
I cover you
Everywhere
And keep the monsters away
All night

Yiu never know I’m there
Or appreciate me
I am your shadow
Just darkness in light
Just a blank figure of you

I just want to be me
Even if it’s just while your asleep

I am not a possession
A number
A piece of property

I may be young
But I am a human
I am alive
And I have feelings

Time is valuable
And I refuse to waste mine

I stand in the road
Just a little longer
When I walk

Just a little tease for death
In our never ending game of hide and seek

It feels powerful

Moths are beautiful
But their life is one of unfairness and tragedy

They are drawn to are lamps and houses
They think they are the sun
They are met with a hard surface
Over and over again

They have the wings
The patterns
The shape
But they are not what we call “pretty”
So we **** them
And let them slowly **** themselves
Which we would never do to butterflies

They are only supposed to come out at night
When it’s dark
But unfortunately
They like the light

Disconnected families
With cellphones at dinner
So many girls starving themselves
Just to get thinner

I wonder how many people
Wish they were never born
I wonder how many people
Love the person that makes their heart torn

Why did the world make it so that
The people who are so kind
Have to get hurt from the fall from heaven?
Why must it make the people with cold hearts
Not be the ones to get frozen?

Everyone feels alone
Even though there are 8 billion of us
I feel right in between emotional
And emotionless

Maybe that’s just life
For there is no such thing as Utopia

Now though,
All we can do is exist
And then not
Be happy sometimes
But let ourselves also be distraught