It hurts the most when it's the people who were supposed to bandage the wounds
Protect you from the monsters
And be a rock for you
Unconditionally
And forever
to lean on
End up being one
That just falls on you
Again and again
Until each bone is broken
And you can't move
Not dead yet
But you are just
Bleeding out slowly

"you don't really get angry, I do"
He says

And he's right
Right now I find myself unable to be so full of rage
I feel as though I just can't afford to be
But
There was a point in my life
Where anger ran through my veins
It filled my entire body
Every fiber
Every breathe I took
It consumed me

Mad
I didn't get what the other kids got
Mad
My dad just had to ruin it all
Mad
Everyone thought I was okay
Mad
Everyone said he was acting okay
Mad
I had to exist in this world

"No one loves an angry girl"
"Don't be angry"
"Anger is ugly"
"Anger is like your father"
They said as a clenched my fists

Now
When he does something unacceptable
The anger instead appears as blood pouring down my arm
Out of my body

Now
I am no longer angry
Just exhausted
Done with it
Again and again
It doesn't surprise me
It just ***** out my livelihood
And leaves me one inch closer
To giving up
Everytime

I don't get angry now
I get even more broken

Everything
Is
Pain
Yet the only thing that helps
Is more pain

I think I'm done fighting it
I need to bleed

I don't need meds or hospitals
Therapy or lectures
I just need a hug

Not a
"Don't be mad at me
Hug it out"
Kind of hug

But a
"You're safe now
It's okay"
Embrace

I'm done being alone

One day I hope to be healed enough to truly believe that people are capable of loving me

How can it be "all in my head" when I think everyone is mad at me
But real when I'm questioning if my trauma actually happened

Who needs Zoloft, Lexapro, or Prozac
When you have dancing in the pouring rain
Being angry
With the sky
Screaming
with the thunder
Crying of the purest joy
Along with the drops of rain
A splashing around
like the child you didn't get to be
Would have wanted to
In puddles