And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

I dress pretty feminine I guess
I mean I think I do
But the thought of being called a them makes me smile too

I love dresses
They're comfortable
I feel confident
Or at least more than I do in sweatpants
But sometimes I hate the circular things on my chest
Part of me wishes they were something else
But I'm a girl
Yes yes
Probably

Yeah
I love putting eyeshadow on
The colors make me happy guess
But then again
Part of me really wants to cut my hair short
Have a deep voice
And when someone calls me a she
The tiniest part of me wishes I wouldn't be
Probably nothing right?

But I don't really know
I don't think I'm right there in the middle
That's for sure
After all I like skirts
But I also sit like a guy sometimes
And it feels good
It feels in between
But no no no
I'm probably not
This is probably nothing
Probably

Most of me loves my name
I mean I know it's pretty
It's a vine
It's beautiful
It's nature
I love nature
But it's so feminine
But I guess it's okay
It's probably okay
I think this is fine
Whatever
I'm probably overreacting anyway
I don't need this now too

I'm a girl
That's what I've always been
Probably
Probably
Probably

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

We were at a dinner table
Yes a dinner table
It's crazy
And as I sat there laughing
My heart felt a sharp pain looking around;
Two kids
A mom
A dad
They called eachother babe
They loved eachother

And I know things are so far from perfect there too
But at that moment I wished that would be my life
But then they drove me back home
To my empty house
Where I cried alone

I don't know what I did to deserve this