I hope your toes only curl for the perfect person
And you stop driving up a storm within yourself
Every time you hear to word love

I hope you look up at the clouds
And see everything I know you wanted me to say
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell you

I hope you never forget
The way I smiled when I was with you
And the way you smiled when you were with me

I hope you still walk so that your feet
Kiss the ground with every step you take
And you still giggle
Every time you’re blinded by the sun

Love
Could be standing on your front step
But you’re so use to
Solicitors handing you pamphlets
Full of false words and hope
That you never answer the door anymore


You use to sit and wait
For every knock
But now you peak through the blinds
Just to sit back down
And ignore the shuffle of shoes
Walking away


Even though You don’t know
Which shoes
Are being stepped in
By your soul mate

And sometimes
You'll abuse yourself
Because you feel like you deserve it
Everyone else abuses you
So you must deserve it right?
You'll feel relief in knowing
It's the one time you get to control the abuse
You're in control
Wrong
You're so wrong
You're so wrong if you think abusing your sweet self will make anyone love you any more or any less
You're so wrong if you think you're benefiting yourself
You're so wrong if you think it's the only way to get all those emotions out
I know the second your skin splits open
And you see the hurt fall onto the floor in the form of iron droplets
But the only thing you're doing
Is staining that bathroom rug that your mother bought you to match your shower curtain
And waisting bandaids that are used to heal you're brothers scraped knees
And leaving scars on your silk skin that will never leave your body or your mind
and
You're so wrong if you think that's right

I told you
Every time i look up at the stars
It will remind me of the last time we touched

Do you remember?
The night you held me crying
I looked up
With dizzy eyes
Begging god that you would stay
It  was a clear sky
With a full moon
The last time you kissed me


Jan 1.
I went stargazing last night with him,
It was the first time he told me he loved me,
But all i could think of was you,
And the last time i saw you.

And i sat
Swinging on our bench
Painted the color of the words i never said
Your lies have crawled up the wooden support
And wrapped around the creaky hinges
Tired and flowerless
You've made it harder to swing

I begged you to stay
But you kissed me as you left
Leaving me sitting alone
On our bench

Your whispered goodbye repeats in my head
Shaking the ground beneath my feet
Like a 9.8 earthquake
The bench beneath me collapses

You told me you can't take the lies
What lies?
I was engulfed by the vines of your distant words
And never even noticed

And i,
I'm the one who lies?
They are your lies
Your lies that aged and broke
The bench that held our love

You believed everyone but me
I believed only you
And that's where i went wrong
Thoughtlessly swinging with you
I went wrong

You watched me cry
You saw love fill my eyes
and fall to the soil covered ground
My heart broke

You told me your heart was mine for the taking
So i got up and ran
Leaving our broken bench behind
I ran
But little did i know
You were hidden behind the tree
That was forever carved with our initials
Your foot stuck out in front of me
-You were always a step ahead of me-

The entire time
You had every intention
Of watching me fall
First on the broken bench
And then in front of you

And i did
Face in the dirt
I dropped your heart
But it didn't break,
It bounced

You picked it up,
And walked away
Never looking back
Leaving me broken
I realized why you stopped meeting me at our bench
Why you waited in the woods
And why every kiss felt like the last

In my head are endless railroads,
covered in countless thoughts,
that carelessly crash into each other,
causing me to snap into a fit of anger.

I can't take the overwhelming feeling of the mess in my head,
and the frustrating feeling of not being capable to take control.

I made this observation on November 5th, 2013,
when i looked inside my head,
after punching through a wall,
In an enraging state of mind.

I explained this observation to a wise soul,
and they told me that the next time a collision happens,
to stop all of the trains in my head for a split second,
and find the railroad track of which it occurred.

Find which train caused the explosion.
Which thought set my hand flying toward concrete.
Find out the color of the train,
Are their people inside?
Are the seats red or blue?

Pinpoint and explore the details of what set you off,
And if in the split second before your decide to throw your hand against a wall,
You can do that,
Then your hand will stop,
and you have time to think about how to get the trains engine running again,
Without hurting yourself.

I let down the creaky old wooden door
to the castle of my heart,
and let you in
You stayed for a while,
admiring the pictures i hung on the walls,
and the mess of the conference room,
where my heart and brain were always indecisive
You told me you would stay,
but it wasn't long until you left
You found an ex lovers photo
stashed in the wrong place
My heart was chaotic and i wasn't full organized
You got upset because you thought just because i had misplaced his picture,
that i still loved him
You clawed with an ax at everything contained inside my home of a heart
Breaking walls to feelings i didn't know existed
But then you stopped,
silently,
you walked out the same creaky old wooden door you walked in,
locking it on your way out
You ignited the bridge that crossed my veins,
The only way of reaching the castle door,
You destroyed
Leaving me locked inside
and everyone else locked out