i grew up with you
i've learned your ins and outs
you're familiar.

when i miss you
the longing makes a home under my skin.
drives pickaxes into my bones
and reminds the marrow
that i’ll never see you again

my skin crawls and my fingers grow cold
knowing i’ll never feel
the crepe-y skin
that felt like family

my nostrils burn
knowing they’ll never smell your scent
j’adore mixed with a little bit of menthol

your presence promised me a home
as long as the stove was burning
and there were people to gather around
the table at dinner

loneliness takes shelter
and wraps its spidery hands
around my vocal cords

insecurity whispers
into my ears

that it won’t be the same without you
that i’ll never feel okay without you
that i’ll never feel whole without you

as if going to church everyday and thinking of your steady voice and fervent Hail Marys weren’t enough to break me.

as if hearing the crack of peppercorns before dinner time wasn’t enough to bring me to my knees.

as if shards of ice don’t stab my heart when i hear the jingle of gold bangles on thing wrists

as if jealousy and rage doesn’t consume me everytime i see an old woman knowing that it’ll never be my Nana on the other side.



i see the farmer’s market and i hear you asking when the next time we’re going grocery shopping is.

i see a tablecloth and i see bright eyes alive with the thought of throwing a party.

i see a word search and i see the stains you left on the comforter when you forgot to cap your highlighter.

the worst part is,
is that i can still feel you
i can still feel the warmth of your hugs
i can still feel the mark you left on my heart

there’s no emptiness.

just constraint.

everything is just too much
knowing that
it’ll be a long time
before i can come home to you.

i need you to be my perfect disaster.*
a punch to the face of monotony.
i need a change in my life and I need you to be the change.
i need you to paint the blank walls I built around myself with a deep red.
a passionate red.
i need the red splatter of blood after you realize you've made a grave mistake.
i need you to be the blood that runs clean after being so ***** for so long.
i need you to be the change.

i ran to you
in hopes that you would
draw me into your arms
but i knocked
and nobody was home.

validation
is
not
love.

insensitive *****
self depricating
pile of trash
oblivious to the
feelings of others
what the **** is wrong with you?

you know,
poetry is one
big pile of ****.
or should i say
****?

excuse me,
i hadn't had anymore
euphemisms to spare.

poetry is one big ****
euphemism.

my life *****.
i'm sad.
well ****, no one's ever gonna love me.

but instead,
no i waltz across
these subjects
and pretend all is well
because plate this
**** you have for life
in pure gold
and call it art

and hell,
you'll make ******* millions.

forgive me for i cannot see
beauty in sunsets
but instead beauty
in the soiled snow
on the sides of the main road

i'm sorry that instead
of flowers in my hair
and the wind's songs in my heart
i find joy in the strain of my eyes
from staying online a little too late

i'm sorry that instead
of the awakening of the sun
being the first thing on my mind
it's the thought of a train
on my way to the welcoming city

forgive me.

for i immerse myself in humanity
as opposed to the wonders of nature.

pathos

it's a sort of
Petrarchan love
loving within an arms distance
don't get to close to him
he'll see your flushed cheeks
and inevitable smile
and think you're
absolutely pathetic.

ethos

the way you stumble over
your words and
all eloquence
shatters against the wall
as you fall hard for
the smile that reaches
his eyes and your heart
coursing through your veins.

logos

of course
it's not love
you idiot
you're too young for love
and it all ends
in heartbreak anyway.

"why are you so sad?"

alas,
the question of the century.

why am i so sad?
when will i learn
to get off of the cross
i've nailed myself to
because ******* it,
i am not a martyr.

why am i so sad?
perhaps,
because all
i've ever craved
was freedom?

no,
that's not it.
just today,
i was craving
a donut.

and hell yeah,
i did get it
because i have
such loving parents.

so no,
it's not my home life.
of course it's not perfect,
because if it was,
then i'd never want to leave.

is it school?
i have wonderful friends
and ribbons tacked to my wall
to tell me otherwise.

or perhaps,
it's the fact
that everything
is so structured
that i'm having
such a hard time
believing that
nothing's
ever going to crumble.

his word
is not
an end all be all.

sorry love,
i hate to break it to you
but we are all just minds
skirting around the idea
called the truth
instead,
we mask it
and veil it
with these tools
we call words
and in turn
the euphemisms
of our raw
thoughts
are diluted
and strained
and
never
to
be
taken
seriously.

sometimes
my heart swells
but lately
it's from
the thought
of you and i
bundled up
with your lips
pressed
against my forehead.

when the ache of
you gone
is all consuming

i buy a pack of cigarettes
a new lighter
(i've never smoked before)
and walk around the city

i go to a cornerstone for
a bottle of coke
(sugar makes me sick)
and do all the things you do.

i
regret
telling
You
everything.

how to bite the hand that feeds you
oh darling, i’m an expert at that
you slam the door in their face
when they ask you to let them in
and you hold your breath
when they say i love you on the telephone
you purse your lips into a perfect line
as their arms encircle you in a hug
and with their last breath they’ll tell you
they love you
and only then -
will you return the gesture
along with the regret
of years of neglect.

some days
i can't even look you in the eye
and i have the audacity to say sorry.

well here it is again,
Sorry.

Never would I have thought
I'd come to dread
The many choices I have

How rude of me
To feel claustrophobic
Feeling run over
By the crossroads

I'm sorry for being
A privileged girl
In a first world country

Sorry for dreading my choices
In a world
Where I have the blessing
To have so many.

the ache in my heart
was never mine to begin with
a thief who feels too deep
and a coward who does so little

too afraid to live
vicariously living
through others' lives.

nothing, i guess.

oh dear,
you reek of self loathing
and cynicism
i'm surprised you haven't
fallen off that *******
cross you nailed yourself on
and i'm sorry for the crude metaphor
but really i'm not
because this god didn't die
on the cross
just so you could hate yourself
and wallow in self pity

love, you're hardly sixteen
but i'm starting to think
you're digging yourself
a grave sixteen
feet under

does it tire you
hating yourself
because baby,
you're not the only one
without a perfect mommy or daddy

honey,
please step off that pedestal
you've put yourself on

my dearest,
i just fear
you might
tumble right off.

why do
i feel
like
i'm being
held captive
by the people
i so very love.

i asked him
why
why speak with such
sharp words
and exact phrases?

why must it matter so much?
in turn, he quoted twain
cupping my cheeks and saying
"the difference between the right word
and almost the right word
is the difference between lightning
and a lightning bug"
he held his tongue in search for
the perfect word.

and i told him,
love
dear
darling
speak in the vernacular
for we all share the same blood.

i'm glad i could
be of help
in the process
of boosting
your
self confidence

wow
what an *******
what a jerkwad
what a *******
what a conceited,
selfish, self sacrifical
*******.

what makes you think
that you're stronger
than the rest of us?

what makes you think you can carry
this burden meant for others
and not break?

what makes you think you're not
loved like the rest of us?

what ****** you up so hard in the head
that made you believe that
you're not important?

why are you so quick
so willing
to jump in front of a moving train
if it meant saving another's life?

aren't you only 15?
why are you so tired of living?

distance makes the heart grow fonder
i suppose that's right
it's easy to love you
from an arm's arm's distance
and reminisce of the good times
and forget the bad.

i'm glad i'm gone,
now i can truly appreciate you.

5.30.2018 // 22:48
-
u
got
big
storms
coming
bihhh

miss
me
wid
that
bullsh!t

- a grown ***** <3

i don't know who i'm talking to anymore
when i say a silent prayer.
are you even there?

- a fallen Catholic

sometimes i wish you had left.
much cleaner and more efficient

i don't need endless miles
of jagged cuts
and the flames of your tongue
licking them open.

i wish i had
the comfort of an imaginary father
so i could pretend he wasn't who you are now.

you're here, i suppose
and there's no denying that.

i really need to stop
comparing myself to you
and stop trying to prove my worth

i deserve this.

how do i express the fact
that i see no value
in my existence

and that i struggle
to believe in a god
because
why would anything
ever choose to bless
someone like me.

you make me want to be a better person

i'm scared
that
i'm not worthy of love

i want to love you
but from an arms distance

i don't want you close enough
to see the hairline cracks throughout
my body

i don't want you as collateral damage
when i shatter

i don't want you to cut yourself
picking up my pieces

because honey,
you don't deserve someone like me
and i don't deserve
someone like you.

i remember what you looked like
when you told me
everything was okay

my father means the world to me
and i think there was a time
where i was his world
i just wish
he looked at me.
i miss his embrace.

i
am
at
a
loss.
even poetry
can't help me now.

i'm feeling bad

i'm afraid that they look at me and see what i don't have.

i've come to stop believing in love
and that's why i've stopped writing
poetry.

i've never been one for fantasy anyway.

i've got a track record
running
for losing people
that mean the most to me.

no matter how crooked a tree gets
in the end it manages to grow straight
and i guess i kind of admire that
because that would mean there’s still hope
for someone like me.

honestly,
i'm just a ******* child
masquerading behind
big words and bold lipstick.

it's hard to see the healing
when you keep on getting hurt

i've had my heart broken
more by my own father
than any other boy

... and isn't that ****** up?

i broke
Everything
for you.

I'm a gaping void
A walking mannequin
On autopilot

I'm submerged in ice cold water
Numbing my lips
Icing my soul

My fingers yearn for your touch
And the breadth of loneliness
Reaches farther than my thoughts

Darling, it would take light years to reach you
But yet I still wait
Drifting
And waiting to be whole again

be kind to the earth
for it rewards you with its skies
and you choose to destroy it

it offers you its greens
and you choose to poison it

it rewards you with its tools
and you choose to
dig your own grave with it.

you know
i miss you so much
i miss you more than i even knew i could
i just want to wrap my arms around you
and for you to do the same to me.
i want to tell you all that's happened since you've been gone
i want to tell you while you hold me close
and kiss my forehead and listen to me *****
because that's how it is when we are best friends.

and well ****,
i miss my best friend more than i would ever admit.