sometimes i wish you had left.
much cleaner and more efficient

i don't need endless miles
of jagged cuts
and the flames of your tongue
licking them open.

i wish i had
the comfort of an imaginary father
so i could pretend he wasn't who you are now.

you're here, i suppose
and there's no denying that.

i grew up with you
i've learned your ins and outs
you're familiar.

thinking of you
brings a sort of
sickness in my stomach
but do not fret,
i like you
maybe it's just that
i'm disgusted with myself

i ran to you
in hopes that you would
draw me into your arms
but i knocked
and nobody was home.

All good things have to come to an end right?
This is what I can’t understand.
This phrase literally just dooms your whole life.
You’re having a good life right?

Wrong.

All good things have to come to an end.
Life is going to ***** you over in the end.

I can’t help but think that when I’m having an especially great week, it’s going to end. The better it is, the harder I’ll fall. The harder it will be to get back up and go back. This is why I ******* hate life. I can’t seem to comprehend the fact that life is always going to ***** you over and continually make you wish that you didn’t have emotions. Emotions run your life and I hate that. I hate depending on things. I hate depending on people because in the end they’re going to ***** you over. It’s human nature, or maybe a higher being’s, I don’t ******* know. My life seems so meaningless right now and all I want to know is that I’ve made a difference because right now I feel as unwanted as the dog **** that you end up stepping in on the sidewalk.

i don't know who i'm talking to anymore
when i say a silent prayer.
are you even there?

- a fallen Catholic

distance makes the heart grow fonder
i suppose that's right
it's easy to love you
from an arm's arm's distance
and reminisce of the good times
and forget the bad.

i'm glad i'm gone,
now i can truly appreciate you.

but really
maybe it's better
no one ever gets close

validation
is
not
love.

crescendos of a racing heart coming in waves through eardrums
tunnel vision
static light waves
breathe.

one
two
three
 
three red cars on the street
one
two
three
three kisses
for her dear papa
one
two
three
three red cars on the street

one
two
three
four
four kisses
for her dear papa
three for the red cars
and one stolen
 
because *******,
she was a papa’s girl
wasn’t she?

type of girl:
the acrid taste of black coffee
denim and leather
red lips
a will like her father's
and the stubbornness of her mother.

perfection is unattainable
and darling this is why
i'm unable
to utter the words
i love you
because of the lighting
or because of the aura
not being quite right

or maybe it’s the fact
that i know deep down
in my heart
that you’re not quite right for me.

nothing, i guess.

you know i kinda
just feel empty.

yeah,
like. empty.

i don't know what it is
because i've had everything
that i wanted

but now i know why they say
that everything isn't always
what it's cracked up to be.

... and i'm trying to learn
how to deal with that.

Wow never have I felt so truly alone. You were always kind of my safety net. No matter what I did I knew you would be there for me. That's why I kept you at a distance because our friendship would be preserved in all it's glory if I did so. But I didn't realize that you were drifting away. I didn't realize you would. I just always, depended on you. You were a constant in my life and now that I know that this immaculate friendship I tried so hard to preserve has been dirtied I don't know how to feel. Actually, I do. Disappointed. And guilty. For not saying that I'm sorry until now. Maybe I should have held you closer.

honestly,
i'm just a ******* child
masquerading behind
big words and bold lipstick.

i tried so hard
but you hid the key
in the deepest crevices
only to be used as the last resort.

i tried so hard
to find meaning
in the words you say
envious of the way words
flowed out of your pen

i tried so hard
to put words to how i felt
little did i know
there was nothing to describe
all that was left was
the match on the ground
and the image of your back.

i don't like the blatant disregard
you have for other people's time
or how you seem to think
the world caters to you
you think you're always right
and the world is a bad place

i don't like
that i learned to be someone
by becoming the opposite of who you are.

you're my father
and i'm your daughter

but i'm not you.

you know what i admire
trees, yeah that's right
******* stepped on and used
and cut down and burned
but hey i bet the trees
only whisper
good things of us.

i wonder
if others
look at me
with jealousy
or pity

a phantom grip
around my vocal chords
and a fear
crawling from my stomach
too scared to break
the sanctity of silence
all for the opinion
of a silly little girl

i want to love you
but from an arms distance

i don't want you close enough
to see the hairline cracks throughout
my body

i don't want you as collateral damage
when i shatter

i don't want you to cut yourself
picking up my pieces

because honey,
you don't deserve someone like me
and i don't deserve
someone like you.

i really need to stop
comparing myself to you
and stop trying to prove my worth

i deserve this.

i remember what you looked like
when you told me
everything was okay

i don't like the dependence
that's grown on me
like ivy on brick.

i don't like that i worry
when you don't text me.

i don't like
that i care.

be kind to the earth
for it rewards you with its skies
and you choose to destroy it

it offers you its greens
and you choose to poison it

it rewards you with its tools
and you choose to
dig your own grave with it.

i like the fact that at night
i sleep much better
imagining your arms around me
and when I wake
the possibilities of
your eyes catching mine
keep me awake

honey
how does it feel
to be sipping on that
cold brew
of coffee in the morning
and a cold steep
of tea at night
to parallel
the numb
and the cold
that radiates
through your bones
and spreads to your
spindly fingertips
hoping for reprieve

some days
i can't even look you in the eye
and i have the audacity to say sorry.

well here it is again,
Sorry.

5.30.2018 // 22:48
-
u
got
big
storms
coming
bihhh

miss
me
wid
that
bullsh!t

- a grown ***** <3

for the first time that night
i screamed
i mourned
i bawled
over the loss of your heart.

so quick
to jump into
shark infested waters
and for a friend
you look the other way

how do i express the fact
that i see no value
in my existence

and that i struggle
to believe in a god
because
why would anything
ever choose to bless
someone like me.

how to bite the hand that feeds you
oh darling, i’m an expert at that
you slam the door in their face
when they ask you to let them in
and you hold your breath
when they say i love you on the telephone
you purse your lips into a perfect line
as their arms encircle you in a hug
and with their last breath they’ll tell you
they love you
and only then -
will you return the gesture
along with the regret
of years of neglect.

a mother's love
is not sacrifice
because somehow
in those 9 months
ever sinew of your being
is theirs
and those branches
reach for the same
sky.

forgive me for i cannot see
beauty in sunsets
but instead beauty
in the soiled snow
on the sides of the main road

i'm sorry that instead
of flowers in my hair
and the wind's songs in my heart
i find joy in the strain of my eyes
from staying online a little too late

i'm sorry that instead
of the awakening of the sun
being the first thing on my mind
it's the thought of a train
on my way to the welcoming city

forgive me.

for i immerse myself in humanity
as opposed to the wonders of nature.

i'm scared
that
i'm not worthy of love

i've had my heart broken
more by my own father
than any other boy

... and isn't that ****** up?

i broke
Everything
for you.

i
regret
telling
You
everything.

you make me want to be a better person

i'm afraid
my name means
absolutely nothing to you.

i've got a track record
running
for losing people
that mean the most to me.

root yourself further
into this earth
with each heaving breath

pump your blood
into these rivers
with each beat of your heart

make it yours.
don't worry,
you're not dead yet.

i'm feeling bad

my father means the world to me
and i think there was a time
where i was his world
i just wish
he looked at me.
i miss his embrace.

it felt like home.

and i haven't
felt that in a while.

it's hard to see the healing
when you keep on getting hurt