it felt like home.

and i haven't
felt that in a while.

when i miss you
the longing makes a home under my skin.
drives pickaxes into my bones
and reminds the marrow
that i’ll never see you again

my skin crawls and my fingers grow cold
knowing i’ll never feel
the crepe-y skin
that felt like family

my nostrils burn
knowing they’ll never smell your scent
j’adore mixed with a little bit of menthol

your presence promised me a home
as long as the stove was burning
and there were people to gather around
the table at dinner

loneliness takes shelter
and wraps its spidery hands
around my vocal cords

insecurity whispers
into my ears

that it won’t be the same without you
that i’ll never feel okay without you
that i’ll never feel whole without you

as if going to church everyday and thinking of your steady voice and fervent Hail Marys weren’t enough to break me.

as if hearing the crack of peppercorns before dinner time wasn’t enough to bring me to my knees.

as if shards of ice don’t stab my heart when i hear the jingle of gold bangles on thing wrists

as if jealousy and rage doesn’t consume me everytime i see an old woman knowing that it’ll never be my Nana on the other side.



i see the farmer’s market and i hear you asking when the next time we’re going grocery shopping is.

i see a tablecloth and i see bright eyes alive with the thought of throwing a party.

i see a word search and i see the stains you left on the comforter when you forgot to cap your highlighter.

the worst part is,
is that i can still feel you
i can still feel the warmth of your hugs
i can still feel the mark you left on my heart

there’s no emptiness.

just constraint.

everything is just too much
knowing that
it’ll be a long time
before i can come home to you.

5.30.2018 // 22:48
-
u
got
big
storms
coming
bihhh

miss
me
wid
that
bullsh!t

- a grown ***** <3

i've come to stop believing in love
and that's why i've stopped writing
poetry.

i've never been one for fantasy anyway.

when the ache of
you gone
is all consuming

i buy a pack of cigarettes
a new lighter
(i've never smoked before)
and walk around the city

i go to a cornerstone for
a bottle of coke
(sugar makes me sick)
and do all the things you do.

i remember what you looked like
when you told me
everything was okay

distance makes the heart grow fonder
i suppose that's right
it's easy to love you
from an arm's arm's distance
and reminisce of the good times
and forget the bad.

i'm glad i'm gone,
now i can truly appreciate you.

i regret to inform you
that i am very aware of
my existence

i'm scared
that
i'm not worthy of love

you make me want to be a better person

validation
is
not
love.

i really need to stop
comparing myself to you
and stop trying to prove my worth

i deserve this.

i don't know who i'm talking to anymore
when i say a silent prayer.
are you even there?

- a fallen Catholic

sometimes i wish you had left.
much cleaner and more efficient

i don't need endless miles
of jagged cuts
and the flames of your tongue
licking them open.

i wish i had
the comfort of an imaginary father
so i could pretend he wasn't who you are now.

you're here, i suppose
and there's no denying that.

i don't like the blatant disregard
you have for other people's time
or how you seem to think
the world caters to you
you think you're always right
and the world is a bad place

i don't like
that i learned to be someone
by becoming the opposite of who you are.

you're my father
and i'm your daughter

but i'm not you.

i grew up with you
i've learned your ins and outs
you're familiar.

nothing, i guess.

how do i express the fact
that i see no value
in my existence

and that i struggle
to believe in a god
because
why would anything
ever choose to bless
someone like me.

i don't like the dependence
that's grown on me
like ivy on brick.

i don't like that i worry
when you don't text me.

i don't like
that i care.

i ran to you
in hopes that you would
draw me into your arms
but i knocked
and nobody was home.

i'm feeling bad

i
am
at
a
loss.
even poetry
can't help me now.

my father means the world to me
and i think there was a time
where i was his world
i just wish
he looked at me.
i miss his embrace.

why do
i feel
like
i'm being
held captive
by the people
i so very love.

i'm afraid that they look at me and see what i don't have.

so quick
to jump into
shark infested waters
and for a friend
you look the other way

i've got a track record
running
for losing people
that mean the most to me.

type of girl:
the acrid taste of black coffee
denim and leather
red lips
a will like her father's
and the stubbornness of her mother.

i'm afraid
my name means
absolutely nothing to you.

his word
is not
an end all be all.

it's hard to see the healing
when you keep on getting hurt

root yourself further
into this earth
with each heaving breath

pump your blood
into these rivers
with each beat of your heart

make it yours.
don't worry,
you're not dead yet.

a mother's love
is not sacrifice
because somehow
in those 9 months
ever sinew of your being
is theirs
and those branches
reach for the same
sky.

i broke
Everything
for you.

but really
maybe it's better
no one ever gets close

a phantom grip
around my vocal chords
and a fear
crawling from my stomach
too scared to break
the sanctity of silence
all for the opinion
of a silly little girl

i
regret
telling
You
everything.

i am a culmination
of sad eyes
goodbyes
and self hatred
rooted since
youth

i'm glad i could
be of help
in the process
of boosting
your
self confidence

i wonder
if others
look at me
with jealousy
or pity

no please,
i like it when you speak to me as if i were, god forbid, human.
i didn't ask for this to happen to me
and i didn't ask for people
to waltz around broken glass and eggshells
as if i were the most delicate of them all

i don't need
hushed whispers and words
stuck between oblivion and physical sound waves
because fear of offending me
clutched at your vocal cords

i know what it feels to be missing a part of myself
and what it means to be holding onto something
that isn't promised to me

i know what it means
to be hiding a part of yourself
for the sake of others

and i plead that you
save yourself the trouble
i've had enough self pity

because now i realize
alopecia
holds you back
from being who you are

it's a safety blanket

it's wishing that you had green eyes
when you were born with brown.

it's as simple as that.

one
two
three
 
three red cars on the street
one
two
three
three kisses
for her dear papa
one
two
three
three red cars on the street

one
two
three
four
four kisses
for her dear papa
three for the red cars
and one stolen
 
because *******,
she was a papa’s girl
wasn’t she?

some days
i can't even look you in the eye
and i have the audacity to say sorry.

well here it is again,
Sorry.

the ache in my heart
was never mine to begin with
a thief who feels too deep
and a coward who does so little

too afraid to live
vicariously living
through others' lives.

crescendos of a racing heart coming in waves through eardrums
tunnel vision
static light waves
breathe.

happiness is being able to
look yourself in the bathroom mirror
at 2 o'clock in the morning
and feeling genuinely happy
with the reflection looking back at you

it's not the fetal position
when your world is hushed
and your thoughts roaring

it's not the claustrophobia clawing
in your chest and your mangled sheets

it's not dancing around
and laughing with your friends
deluding yourself from the truth

there's no such thing as fake it
until you make it,

i like the fact that at night
i sleep much better
imagining your arms around me
and when I wake
the possibilities of
your eyes catching mine
keep me awake

nana,

my love for you is immeasurable. i hold you with fierce love, packed into a brief and firm hug. i try to put all those years of pure love you've had for me and this entire family in a quick brush of my lips to your cheek. i hold you as if it was the last. i've never felt more joy than seeing you at the dinner table, smiling when i gave you some of the hot cocoa i made. hot cocoa, i know. it probably meant nothing to you, just another night at the dinner table. but in that moment, i understood.

i made that hot cocoa with love and i understood why you spent all those years on your feet, hunched over a huge *** of tinola. sinigang. mungo. pancit. i understood the love you put into everything you do, paralleling the love you have for this family.

i remember your face lighting up after taking that first sip. you're diabetic, believe me, i know. sugar is a privilege and your diet is strict. seeing you, with your hands wrapped around the mug and your smile lighting up your eyes. i saw youth. i saw happiness. you laughed. and i did too.

i know i haven't been the greatest granddaughter to you, and i'm sure i'll think of 500 ways i've wronged you in the future. but i just want to immortalize my sentiment, even if you'll never read this. i know i've strayed from tradition. i know i've took the opposite fork in the road. i know i'm not who you hoped i would be. but i also know that regardless you're still proud and that you love me. i just want you to know how much i love you too. and how i hope you understand. i love you.

you used to confide in me,
trusted me with the voice inside your head

but i gave you away and kept
your dreams of being a filmmaker
and the songs you used to strum on your guitar

i have the tendrils of your voice
reminding me of what we once were
and it hurts

tell me, please,
what am i supposed to do
with the stained glass memories
that still filter through my thoughts sometimes?

how do you deal
with someone who trusted
you with everything
but now
all you have
are
gilded memories
replayed one too many times?

you know what's sad?
you were my first love
before i even knew what love was
i remember you putting pictures in my cubby
and flowers from your mom's garden
i remember you puffing your chest
and asking my dad if you could take me out for ice cream
i remember you offering to push me on the swings
and trying to steal a kiss when i wasn't looking
i remember you leaving me behind
and me promising that i'd write you
but somewhere between the lines
i lied and you followed along

i'm sorry i didn't reciprocate and i guess i'm paying for it
for all of those times i've seen you in places
that you're really not.