Some nights i find myself looking for truth. In books, in motion pictures, in my own creations only to come out empty handed. Those nights I carry myself onto familiar childhood grounds. I lay on top of the ***** concrete rooftop and just stare.
Five levels off solid concrete pavement and I feel like I flew to space.
At first as I lay onto my back and look up at the clear night sky I barely notice a handful of stars, those that are the brightest and closest. But as time passes tiny bright dots start to dance underneath my vision, almost like an illusion. Only not quite so. Each star, no matter the brightness and illusion behind it was truer than anything I've ever known.
Five minutes... Stars farther than imaginable distance start to appear.
Fifteen minutes... Some stars start to jump around.
Twenty-five... I start seeing myself running with them.
The soft breeze keeps me grounded on the rooftop but my head it's up there and everywhere.
Starlight drowns out all. I fall in love on repeat with this earth shattering illusion of permanence.
Just think about it, the daughters of the universe always flaring up, caving in and going out.  But from here, from the top of my parents apartment I can pretend. I can pretend that lives last. That suffering exists not. That gods and goddesses come and go just like mortals do
Ignite, flash, and fade.
I can pretend that my truth is what matters, that magic exists and suffering exists not.
The truth behind stars is not the illusion of permanence and lightness and awe it grants me in those fifty minutes of rooftop existence. It's the power and energy it provides me to carry out my days until the next time we meet again.
That does not mean to pretend that the existence of something is, means in reality it exists not.
For one, magic exists and no one can and should doubt it.
For when there are rainbows and wildflowers, caterpillars transforming to creatures with patterned wings, the music of the heavy rain and the silence of the night sky who can doubt the magic that holds every thread on this planet together?
Anyone who has ever smiled, dreamt, felt, loved, laughed has been touched by this magic
and i know that this is the truth!
The stars only remind me of this through their own illusion of permanence. They remind me I'm not alone, that I'm always being watched.
North star and company...
Do you gaze back at me as I gaze at you?
Do you shed the same tears I shed for the beauty that beholds you?How many of you ancient fires were the last breath of sun to a collection of planets?  
If all were to die out and collapse, how long until we realize how alone we are?
How long until we realize oh daughters of the universe that the cosmos is within us, within all of us.
For I believe when come to understand this equality, love will conquer all
and peace will not be an illusion
but true permanence.

The dream
Oh that dream ...
I'm coming

There was a magic about my sea.
My sea...
It had a playful side to it
a charming, charismatic light.
I had, through her eyes, fallen in love with being human.
I fell in love with the serene brutality of its being
I fell in love with that electric power I felt within its salty embrace, that power I felt with each breath of salty wet air.
My, oh my sea... look at you, all silver and blue and grey and shadowy... A vision of everything unseen.
My soul is full of longing for your unseen secrets, for your hushed whispers
You reminded me on this day, how much i need your tonic of wildness...
I swam in your waters today
with your little children,
and all the while i was underwater i was thinking of how much I want to live in the peaceful feeling of being beneathe your surface
where everything sounds softer, calmer, truer... and the golden lights are all tinging turquoise and the world feels silky and surreal.
To just sit at the bottom of the saltwater and just sprout fins and gills
To sit there and watch the sunlight dance on the tiles, all while flowing with the tide.
But i was not that, I was human.
I am human, lucky enough to swim in your waters, just like your fishes, like i have my own set of magical fins.
and then sprout legs and wings as I make it to shore and dance with the wind.
I have the privilege of both
like a sea raven...
Divinity of the sea...
I honor you through this, through my writing,
through observing your every detail with my eyes, like i would my lovers face.
I honor you by swimming with the life that is in you as one
like their soul and my own have blended and merged into one.
Indeed, like two lovers...

Peters endless threads of rêve intermingle with his opposites yellow-shot eyes.
Both symptoms of their own declarations.
This is what my little circle of life is, a complex collection of matter powered by duality itself.
The pure and the evil. The hot and the cold.  The rough and the smooth. The highs and the lows. The bright and the dark. Itched with the threads of those who roam its endless corners, this life is duality itself. You need one to feel the other. I grasp at my thread bare stitches and squeeze to reassure myself. You will meet both types at the end of the spectrum. Some will ******* over and others will shake the very core of your existence.
You will give a part of yourself and you will take a part of them.
and you will move on fully reformed
or not at all.

I wish for you to see yourself through my eyes, just for 1 minute. Then you would come to know who you truly are. That you are not your body, your illusive limitations, or your past.
But you are your very own heart, your very own spirit, wild and beautifully tailored. Everything you have been looking for is in your heart. You are the core of your own universe, you posses the warmth of a thousand stars. You posses the ability to heal and enough light to swallow up infinite specs of darkness.  Your purpose lies within you...  and like wild flowers you serve your purpose beautifully , choosing to flourish abundantly and beautifully in the most unusual places.
For my dreamers,
those who live inside their heads,
those who drink the details of this earth, who choose to love unconditionally, for those who are on the constant look out for home... dance wherever the wind takes you, embrace the beauty of the divine power that surrounds you. Dream the impossible and thrive for this world will not pull you under, for if you allow it, the universe will take you into her warm embrace and offer you all of herself... unconditionally and abundantly.
But first... you must fully surrounder yourself and shed your skin over and over again, until the weight of this world rests peacefully around you and your spirit aligns.

You can take your past experiences, stories, tales, recitals, breakups, knowledge, background, judgement, maturity, adult existence, practices, beliefs, know how's, intimacy, struggles, your grasp on reality, wisdom, dictionary, worldliness, affairs, alertness, apprehension, consciousness, enlightenment, sensibility, intelligence, foresight, your common sense, clear-sightedness,
and shove them darling,
Shove them.

Maybe what I've seen does not begin to describe what your mind can vividly comprehend,
but I see clearly and I do not await affirmation or seek validity from no one.

I,
I am a child of the universe.

Eyes,
windows to my soul.

My touch,
sensitive.

Mind,
in a constant haze.

Galaxies and stardust surround my every step.
Roses crown my alluring head.

I,
I am a child of the unknown.

Lilies and tulips sheathe the inside of my lungs.
Vines wrap and encircle my ribcage.

The flowers of my existence,
all in me...
all around me...

Darling,
I'm a child of the untold.

I gently wove home for a child I once buried in me

Threaded the stories and memories of her gone days into a roof above her head as I wrapped her fragile soul with all the blankets mother earth could offer.

From the darkness of the night sky I covered her windows
and from the oceans waters I gently watered her reveries into fruition.

I encircled her tiny establishment with the fruits of her night dreams and the trees of her day dreams, and seeds of her thoughts.

The sun,
the moon,
and the galaxies all danced around her head.

I sway around a house I hopelessly built from the remaining embers of gone days...
As I aimlessly water reveries that i pray will come alive.

I am what you would call an unbalanced human being. I am all or nothing.  Divinity of the sea. Mother of earth. Saltwater child. Chameleon soul. Fiercely and unapologetically alive. Caught in the constant whirl of time, I am not who i was a decade ago, not a year ago, not even a breath ago. Endlessly reborn within the embrace of my own reality, my identity constantly being shed and reformed, like scales on a snake, i shed skin... don't we all? Like everything that matters, i am holy and unholy. Body and spirit. Water and earth. Hot and cold. ***** and pure. Unapologetically alive.
I am sensitive, like wild dandelions I dance wherever the wind takes me. I feel everything, my skin like a sponge, soaking and absorbing everything around me. A piece of my insides detaches, blends and merges with the people i come in contact with. I am all or nothing... and that is NOT my weakness.
I see myself in every creature.
I glimpse at my home, earth, with the eyes of a child, curious, hungry, constantly dreaming.
I choose to kneel before the innocent, before the broken and the wounded... We are all one after all, beautifully crafted, breathing and constantly rising.
I am all or nothing. Chaotic. and i have NO shame.
I mostly speak inside my head. I have conversations with the trees, the stars, paper, and pen. If you listen with your ears you will not be able to connect for i am all or nothing.
I spend my nights pulling stars and clouds from the sky and then arranging them on the piece of paper upon which my hands would lie.
You see, I am what you would call an unbalanced collection of constantly changing matter. Chaotic and unapologetically alive.

Today felt new ... The taste of change was in the air.  A mark of beginning, of rebirth. I breathed in the morning air as my eyes traced the threads of sunlight and my insides shifted.
It was as if fasting on this new moon day diminished my activity and tuned my senses into all that was numb before, and in that brief moment i felt the most alive I have ever felt in the past year.
For the past 9 months my physical being was caged within the mind of a person who just wanted to normalize her chaotic state of being. My energy had yet again shifted to all external forces rather than internal forces.
My intuition misguided.
My inner divine chained.
My insides muted for the most part.
I have lost sight and feel of what truly mattered, what I've spent the entirety of my late childhood and teenage life looking for... Self-love. and in that moment as realization slowly caressed me a new planet emerged inside me. A galaxy of guided purpose. Crystal waters swam on the tips of eyes.  My saltwater child, my inner divine and my mother earth wrapped their arms around me as if to remind me that with time all will align.
All will make sense
All will shine
and warmth will come