I want to bleed till I’m dry.
Never cry so hard again and just drown forever.

Be a corpse swallowed by the sand soaked by the rain.

Not like the sand that burned.
But let me crawl into the earth.

Walk through tunnels till I’m out.
Ready to fly, away from where my dead body lies deep.

I wanted to be dead at 26. I’m 32 now. Still want to be dead at 26. Even though I did learn, grow and experience a lot. I don’t like life and who I’ve become. 😢😞

I love to pretend that everything is fine.
Like a moment of silence, a dark corner, a song.
I see a painting of a woman crying.
Big drops.

I meet nice people when I sleep.
I go under the water.
I take things as they come.

Hidden behind grave stones I watch the people walking.
Crying.
People losing everything being locked up in their prisons.

And the love and hope that keeps them going.
From a distance.

Love is traveling from one place to the next.
To where it belongs.
And it can never stay alive.

Only in death.
Everything is fine.

Like a moment of silence in the dark.
Like a song in your playlist that comes along telling you: it’s alright.

Forget about time.
Make time forget about you.
You don’t exist in time.
You died too many times.
You’re not living with time.
All the times you cried are not here where time has passed.
And you exist somewhere where there’s no time left.
Time is just dead.
But you exist.
Always.

💀⏲️🔨✨

These are the cards you are dealt today.
Never easy.
Always trying hard to find a way to deal with them.

Same cards keep coming back.
You can’t get rid of them.
Some you will be able to throw away, some you only get sometimes and then they disappear again for a while.

What’s the end card? I wonder.
You can only see the cards revealing this world and not what’s next.

But what’s beyond can shine through these cards and you can get a glimpse of your purpose.
Your intense longing for something that’s not here.

They show you yourself, your life and battles in that day.
You recognize some of them too much and some are new.

There are rules to this card-game I feel:
-Don’t think you deserve better cards.
-Don’t take your cards for granted.
-Don’t take the easy way out.
-Do have patience if you can.
-Take breaks if possible.
-Don’t take it too seriously.
-Anything can happen, is possible.

Tired in a cherry world.
I’m running down the lane, across the hallway and the fluffy walls.
Sorry but I missed the train.
I’m tired and I can’t see where I’m going.
But I also can’t sleep.
I’m uncomfortable so I went to this cherry land.

There’s no other place where I can stay.
And I’m still running but in a cherry place.
I think I might be here for a little while.
Cherry cheeks and cherry beer.
Cherry lips of course…
Rainbows, raining cherries.
And some clouds in the sky, so light and pink.

I wish I was light in myself.
No feeling heavy inside.
That’s why I leave to the cherry tree.
To lie down but I’m not comfortable at all.
So I get up and run and eat a bun with sweet cinnamon.

**** me and let me bleed cherry.
Thick sweet cherry colored fluid from inside, let me fall, let it rain, cherry blood.
The stains will never be washed away.
Easter is coming.
And I’m painting the eggs.
Cherry red in a fluffy basket.
Safely tucked in.
They won’t crack easily.

Unless you throw them and they splash.
Cherry liquid love.
They spread it over the sea.
And the Easter bunny is swimming.

Floating like a cherry in the lemonade pool, the tank with taps that lead to the can.
The can full of cherry liquor and cream.
I’m dressed in black with dark cherry stains.
Stamping on the cherries.

But I cut my feet, from the egg shells, the dyed chick’s eggs, died like me.
Died, dead, cherry, red.
Cause they got smashed.

And I was tired of being cracked and crying, cherry colored.
Waves of pain, witches that float, that see too many things through cherry seas.

🍒🌊🩸

And in the end after only hearing that SHE was the problem.
She could be nothing else.
And she also kept having problems no matter what she did.
No matter where she went and with whom.
So she became the problem while also having problems constantly.
Some problems worse that others.
In the end she got so tired of them and tired of being the problem.

She didn’t know how to ever get out of this cycle and overcoming the problems she kept on having.
They were there when she wanted to rest and they were there when she wanted to do something.

Even when she closed her eyes, covered her ears, cried.
Most of the time.
But she did have background music to play.
And danced to it, ran and sang.
She had some pretty great friends and her close family grew with her into people of knowledge.

Her friends as well, they all got wiser.
But they also had their battles.
And now that she has really become the problem she found herself unworthy, like a burden most of the time, she was still having these issues.

While she had many things that other people didn’t, that SHE didn’t have before.
But now she was still having problems being the problem.
And there was nothing left to see, nothing other than the problems and the problem.
The problem is her.

When you got more tears behind you than ahead the little things become more painful.
The bigger stuff you’re used to already.
And when you’re tired everything seems useless again because the big fights are done.
You just want peace but the war is still inside.
You just want a good time but everything is dull. 😪😵

I used to be scared that people would forget me when I would die.
Now I’m scared that people will remember me for who I’ve become.
My journey in this world has been too long now.
And yet I’m not done.
💀😢💀😢💀

When everyday is such a struggle and you aren’t even happy but you dream….
Dream about living when you’re asleep. With good people around you.
And you don’t have to tell yourself anything to calm down.
Because everything is just happening without you having to suffer so much.
It just happens, you’re just there for the experience.
That’s what waking life should be too.

But sometimes the OCD will enter the dream.
And you still fight like while you’re awake.
Or you stress out because you have to go to class.
Even though you don’t go to school anymore.
Not at your waking state.
But these moments come and go.
And as long as the OCD doesn’t wake you up with thoughts it should be ok.

It’s better than the suffering while awake.
Cause it doesn’t work for you and you feel so bad about it.
It gets too much and you get stuck.
You don’t get stuck in dreams.
You float from one moment to the next.
But will you remember people and experiences if you would only ever dream?
Dreams are not like leaving the body completely, you just have a part of your brain shut down for a moment.

You can remember dreams.
Some details.
A lot of the time you remember the feeling.
A very true type of feeling that you can’t quite feel while awake.
So when everyday is a struggle you can dream free and be happy.

Life and death.
Words that we use.
A human life.
And dead body.
A plant, an animal, a creature.
Nature.
Human experience.
Experiencing dying, near death, loss, watching death/dying.
Saving life, killing.
It’s not so precious when you’re suffering constantly, don’t save me!
When I’m trying to survive I need the option to die.
But there’s no “right way to die”.
When it’s your time then you’ll leave.
Maybe that’s the only “right way”.
And maybe I won’t leave the way I would like.
I can only see it as an option which it is.
But I don’t think you should just act in crisis.
That’s not the time.
But it happens, just like other deaths that feel useless.
But it’s a journey that ends.

I’m late but I need to take my time.
Nothing goes smoothly.
Because I’m late and because of needing time.
Time to take it easy today.
Not pressuring myself even though I’m not getting where I want to be.
Trying to accept that…

I want much more.
I want to be at a messy party.
Small black dress, dark smudgy eyelids, stones on my neck, wild hair and face.
I’m not that “it-girl” that everybody follows because of her artsy aesthetic.
Perfectly captured, dusky old scene, old looking places.
Young, skinny, bold, dreamy eyes, stained lips smile.

Playing the right music.
Playing in some apartments with silly unmatched objects inside.
Always “out of it”.
Always seeming unbothered.
Or passionately craving, emotionally unstable.

Am I too late?
Am I too bothered, captured by the grasps of this world?
Too much to untangle…
I can have my moments of freedom.
But to get there I’m too late a lot.
I need time.
But I’m late already, always.

As I am standing by the river there’s a flower. Floating.
Such a dark flower pretty.
One of its kind.
Drops lay down upon its surface.
It is drowning but afloat.
It is dying.

Eventually.
But I’m following it’s journey for today.
For tonight.
As I think about our lives that we have lived. I’m still here but you have crossed.
Over to another river.

But I still see you and feel you, energy coming.
Because those rivers they can cross.
And I’m floating.
Crossing too.
But I’m still here.
Watching.
The river, the flower and feeling.
Pain and agony and love.

And maybe one day there’s a flower growing.
Again.
I will lay my body down and cry.
A new life.
The next kind.
The river reflects the sun.
Alive as a river is a flower so new.
So old and broken.

So sad and so alive, so warm and so wise.
Because of watching and growing.
Drowning and dying.
Floating and crossing.
Forever.
You, me and everything.
Like a running river.
Or sleeping like a flower.
Floating.

💜🪷🥀💧

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.

Death is always there.
I love you for it.
Show yourself please
so I can be there too.
Maybe I am you.

But you’re better than the beer.
The music that’ll be everywhere.
With you.
And me.
Within.

I cry cause you’re there but I can’t see.
My tears are so useless and blurry.
Over and over.
I will not be able to live.

I can’t love like you.
Like I really want.
Feel it.
In love.
I’m in love with death since I’m not able to live.

Since I’m not really able to love, be in love.
With anything but music and death.
***** and good friends.
But not life, not alive.
I hate it.

And as much I hate life I love death, more and more.
Close my eyes.
I hate being alive.
Still.
Death is always there.

I don’t think I can get through this.
Not another way, time, especially night.
Saw my brain in 1,2,3,4,5.
Saw me in half.
I don’t know.
Call me selfish, break my shell, break my body.
It’s stuck anyway, and it’s been that way since birth.
I know there are ways to set it free.
Many times they don’t work.

You’re not real, are you?
Yet my lips I kept soft, just for you.
The pain of life’s too great.
And we cannot be even if you were for real.
But when you appear into my dreams they are so intensely pure, so good.
You trigger all the good parts deep inside me.

Yet I cannot sing freely when you’re there in person.
It’s too much.
I choke.
In all the feelings and all of those tunes.

You play on your piano.
I forget the world, I try everything to block out everything.
Everything but your tunes.
And your voice.

Alcohol, spicy foods, the right type of love…
Oh what the hell?!

They keep us well and better but life keeps on being a pain in the ***.

We’re trying our best.
What else can we do?

Trying not to be too destructive in all the madness.
Just to be ok for the people we care for, the next day, the pet we feed…

I noticed a moment of silence.
So I drowned myself in it.
But then the noise came back.
And now I’m drowning in pain.
Can’t escape.
I tried but I want to stop trying.
I want it all to stop.
I want to drown.
Forever and not wake up from the dreams.

You called me darling.
Last night.
I want another night.
Another dream.
Another deep sleep.
And actually I wish I could stay there…

I guess I’ve experienced too much of life to care about it.
When people ask me questions about how I’m doing, I’m not responding.

I really don’t give a **** about what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
I’ve done enough, life’s done enough.
Please spare me those ideas about “manifesting”.
Just another way of controlling.
Life will be unfolding itself.
I’m just a spectator trying to make it worth it.
Worth being a part of the show, making myself look the way I want to.

I guess part of me always knew what I didn’t care for.
And what I did find important.
Too important because I can’t get it perfect.
But I learn to bargain, I’m still bargaining.
Daily for the way I want things.

Give me the music and the *****.
The bed that feels nice.
The man that cares.
Are the other feelings not just inside me?
A reflection of my own longing.
Never reciprocated or barely.
Not here.

There was a rose.
Heavy and wild.
Feeling like a tunnel or going down.
He loved sleeping under the stars.

She loved being in the painting.
But it doesn’t matter.
It’s just words.

What about the beer?
Special kind.
It really is.
Let me fly.
I’m just in here listening and loving.
We only dream when we sleep deeply.
Sinking.
Into all the real truth.

I love you,  I make you love me.
Cause you are all I need.
Like special beer and wine.
And all that’s good.
Nothing else is worth it.
Living for. 😢

There’s a rose.
And everybody loves her.
And she’s dying.

🥀🥀🥀🥀

The idea of suicide…..almost like a drug.
Not quite.
It changes the sky.
For the better or worse.
When it becomes a plan then it’s all too much.

But when it’s just a dream, a perfect one.
And one day it may come true.
Like a drug it brings liberty, peace and perspective, it shows the world in a different light.

When you try it and you come out you’re alright sometimes.
A little sick but fine.
Sometimes you can’t focus on anything, just for a while.
But if you stay in that trip or in those dark plans you can’t live…

It’s there any time.
Like a strong beer, whiskey, cocktail, wine because life is not right.
A dream, an option, an escape.
It’s a part of life even, all there to use.

An escape for a while.
But it can’t become all consuming.
Then it’s no longer a dream.
It’s a horrible reality that just kills.
In the worst way.

So I let it be an escape for a moment and not a recipe for disaster.
I have made that mistake.
It was only my luck that I came out right.
But being in a nightmare like that is an inescapable horror.

Sedate me.
Too many reasons for being sad.
Too many things not being right.
I can’t make them… right, they’re not alright.
It’s never right.
Same old, not alright.
Sedate me.

It’s Friday night.
You didn’t reply.
I’m on the couch.
Can’t feel the wine.

It never hits, only beer does.
And you’re never here until I reach out.
But then it’s awkward.

I still don’t know what you think of me.
But probably you don’t really want me the same as I want you, dream about you.
You old guy, Gemini.

I opened the door towards your love somewhere in 2015.
I was so lonely, young and crazy.
Always in hell unless you took me into your world or I created a new world.
You were there…

But now it’s 2023, almost 24 and I have survived somehow without you.
I learned not to love you.
Only in my dreams.

I had to.
I had to.
I had to.
I still have to.

I want to close my eyes black and white.
Shiny drops and blurry.
Beer at night, white lace on my dress.

Outside on the grass.
Looking down.
Where are you, where’s the music?

My hair is down and so am I.
My eyes are a mess and so am I.

I close my eyes and run.
I close my eyes and dance.
I close my eyes and dream.

Wish I could sleep.
With you next to me.
For the rest of my life.

My mind wondering off far.
My body at ease.
Carried by love.

All of what I am here buried in this world still now.
I want my body buried…
I’ll be running towards foggy fields.

This energy.
Created by this world.
And me, my life, my body, my mind.

It’s going to stay and it’s going.
Like shiny drops and blurry sight, beer at night.
And lace.

Lying outside on the grass.
With you.
And the music.

Endless fields of daisies.
Bare feet and black dress.
It’s still dewy.
I’m still sleepy, tired.
I don’t want to try again to get up and leave.
Be someone else.
I may roll over and dream away if I can.

But there’s a line of laundry.
I’m waiting for the sun to dry it.
So I can shake my clothes.
Before tomorrow I will be done.

The same things now repeatedly daily.
These are the days I didn’t think I’d get to see.
I wanted to die young.
These are the “old daisy days”.
Everything keeps on repeating.

I’m so over trying to get up and leave.
Trying to put on a face.
I can dream in my field feeling so exhausted.
My troubled mind can lay down in daisies.

Waiting for a line of laundry.
Not too long, you don’t want to be having to shake too many eventually.
When the next round hangs to dry.
It wears you down.
Cause it has to be right.
Or it feels too bad.

But now I’m stuck.
And I’m so over everything in here.
I’m so done trying to change or do anything to help myself getting up.
Maybe I should just lift up a foot.
Pick a little daisy.

And take the smallest little steps.
Think in possibilities still.
Nothing to lose.
Lying in a field of old daisies.
With a tired mind.

I’ve come to put a limit to your pain.
To early cold morning tears.
Chug me down like a special beer.
Today is where the flowers bloom and the wind is light.
You’re running free, the dewy sky brings you to life.

Everything is dark.
But you’re fighting for your freedom.
And I’ve come to the rescue.
I’m your music and your special place inside.
I’m your first sip of a perfect tea.
And I’m the arms you wake up in.

I’m safety and freedom.
I block out the noise.
I set you free like a dove.
I’m everything you dream of.
Everything that’s inside.
Of you.

I’m yours and I won’t leave, I will love you till the end and beyond.
I’m the reflection from your eyes.
I’m the colors that are with you and the darkness full of magic.
I’m the Christmas lights.
I’m the sparkling sea.
I’m the deep dive.
The crying rain.
The thunder and lightning.
The fireworks.

By one touch you will feel me all over.
And I’m overwhelming you in the best way.
But you can’t always reach me.
I’m rare to find.
But when I’m there everything is right and your dreams are bright.

In this world you can’t be with me most of the time.
I’m just the longing that keeps you dreaming loving the feeling.
I’m that one special person.
That place underground.
Inside your super conscious.

My mind is a cracked glass.
Strong with cracks.
Don’t use pressure or it breaks.
There will always be cracks.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup with cracks.

Shattered glass.
I’m a snow globe inside.
I’m trapped in a house that’s dark.
With many rooms and stairs and hiding spots.
I go there often in my dreams.
There are visitors a lot.

Sometimes I walk outside.
I’m on the road leaving the house.
I go to many places.
I meet so many people.
Familiar and new.

My heart is so bold and dark in my dreams.
It can handle any situation.
So many adventures I go through.
Sometimes it’s with the people I know when I’m awake.
Sometimes strangers….

But I can wake up screaming softly because I’m back in my cracked mind.
Cracked world.
In a dark house in a snow globe.
With much less room.
Less room than the one from my dreams.

⭐️🌙💫✨

I wish I couldn’t see the things that aren’t ok.
I wish I didn’t feel the pain.
I wish I didn’t hear the noise.
And that I was just able to move without the tension.
I’m so stuck.
I’m so sad.

I wish I could leave this dark place and the pressure.
I wish I was free from everything.
I wish it stopped, all of the pushing and pulling.
At last.

I’m so dark but my hair is light.
Dying it won’t fix anything.
So I try not to be tempted.
Leave me be, I’m so sad and so tired of it.

As I’m sitting here stuck again.
Every try is thrown back down by another noise.
A feeling stays.
Discomfort.
Too much.
Why do I try?
It’s takes so long to get anywhere.
It takes so much.
And then later hopefully there’s peace.
An evening with music and beer.
But before there’s a war.
And I never really win, I just get through it.

There’s nothing better than being consciously out of it.
Carrying that white flag all aware of it.
Breaking the barriers.
Wasting away in my comfort that’s slipping away every second.
And hopefully coming back.

I learned enough in this lifetime.
Yeah, I’m sure, this life that feels like a hundred times its time.
It’s time to fly.
But I’m so numb and sad, nothing left to do or lose.

But really nothing left that works.
And that’s ok, I guess.
Trusting fate because I still believe.
Not in God but in the universe, journeys going the way they’re supposed to.

But don’t you tell me I can’t drink alcohol.
I should’ve been dead if my journey wasn’t so long.
I should’ve been dead but fate…
That f*cking fate.

I don’t understand it but apparently  I still need to be inside this trap, I do feel trapped.
I’m trying my best.
But I’m never really free.
Just a little when the music and the beer will hit me just right.

Oh, fine.
Running with the rules, running through the lines, running on a treadmill.
A hundred times, a hundred lifes long!

I breathe you in without knowing.
And all of a sudden I feel dizzy.
Can’t breathe down.

I remember that girl I used to be living with this feeling.
Breathing.

The pain from somebody.
And the person doesn’t know.
The pain I’m in after I’ve been breathing.
Your smoke.
Your ****.
My muscles are stuck.

I’m in agony for hours, stuck staring.
In this state of tension, anxiety and spasms.
And nobody takes it seriously.
Second hand **** smoke attack.
I used to have these daily because my neighbor didn’t care.

HE smoked so I got stuck or had to flee.
Everywhere but home.
And now having an attack again I’m put right back in that state.

Back to that girl I once was.
The girl that had to face this while breathing in some else’s horror and smoke.
Because she had no other place to be.
Could only run when it was possible or scream.

And then the police took her.
Or they took her because somebody was mean to her and she screamed.
And there was loud noise and it never stopped.

Or somebody was unreasonable but she was the crazy one so the police was called on her.
And she got stripped and touched even though she tried to explain that she had autism.

She didn’t want to be touched.
They touched her everywhere and put her in a cel for hours on her own.

With only a shirt and underpants.
They watched her walking around in circles.
Look at her, the crazy one….

Crazy insane world as usual.
I’m not surprised anymore.
Sometimes I just get reminded of exactly how it felt and it’s a lot to take in.

Especially because I know that I also had my moments of ignorance and I hurt the wrong people.
And I don’t forgive myself even though it was part of the process.

The development, the balance, the truth, the real feelings that are out there.
The darkest pain.

I know it too well.
And knowing is not easy ever.
But maybe it will set me free one day.

I take off my pants whenever I can
The ***** helps me remember to dream.
Am I alive or am I dead?

Changing nicknames to somewhat rebirth me.
Never really but it makes it bearable.
To just be dying and fighting for release.

And I don’t think that being alive is like feeling alive.
I would feel more alive if I knew the door was open to the other side.
Open wide to leave when I need to.

But it’s not that simple.
It won’t remain open.
And when it shuts it shuts for a long time again.

Eve is taking me back to the essence now.
C6ss6ndr6 is reminding me that this is all a dream.
And the ***** helps me.

I take off the layers but they swirl around inside.
Like ashes of confetti.
As I am dancing….
They are still a part of me, these ashes have created me.

Most night I keep on seeing the jellyfish above.
Floating in the sea.
A man’s hand pulls me up saying: Moving back to the shore is never easy.

Jellyfish lying on the shore.
Are they alive or are they dead?
You tell me.

Blurred vision, always starving, on a verge of crying, staring.
I wish I could run, fly, sing.
But nobody is listening so why should I move?
Nobody’s there now but my own pain, catatonic staring, still restless but stuck.
Drinking but only causing my eyes to sting.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.
I can’t eat, can’t not eat.
Cannot prepare for a party.
So I want a surprise party.
Love and experience.
Cause if I can’t have a moment of freedom I’d rather be dead.
I’d rather not wake up, my dreams are amazing but the days are exploding.
Agony of nothing.
Thinking.
Feeling empty and heavy.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.

Where have I been?
Ever.
Blurry just cramping and tightness, not living.
I wish I could dance and float.
Like a flower on the river.
Not thinking about life living.
No catatonic staring stiffness and pain inside my head that’s never been mine.
I’m experiencing a place I don’t call save since I was born.
I’m sinking down, trying not to drown completely in toxicity.
Cause you still need me for when you come back.
One day you’ll have to let me go and I need to.
Learn to let go.
I’ve grown but feel so down, can’t fly high though I still dream but I know it’s a lie.
In this life.
It’s only keeping me going.
Going into the largest space full of just voids.
And just NOTHING.
Nothing but thoughts and longing, I try to dance but I’m down.
Heavily sinking down into nothing, I wish I was free enough to set myself free….
Free me and let me find freedom.

Can’t block out all the noise in and outside of my mind by covering my ears.
I’m not learning to have it all just figured out for life, I’m just broadening my mind.
But if you’re dealing with somebody other than yourself you’re not learning alone.
It’s hard to stay within me when somebody is there to be a loving fellow.
And not just flowing easily beside me.
But bumb into me from time to time.
To be inside me head, not just my heart.

I want to throw up the ocean but I'm holding it in.
Keep holding it in.
One more day, I keep saying.
Everyday the same.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.
It went too far.
Throw me back in that ocean.
Drown me in those stings.

I am never free.
Like when I dive in the ocean.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I've never known another place than the bottom.
The darkness, the cold.
I drop myself before I will explode into a thousand pieces.
Pieces of sand.

But my spirit will rise.
As long as I dive.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I'm dark and so light.
I will always cry for the people I love, for the pain that I've known.
All my life.

Every type of different kind.
And it made me drown.
And only rise when I can let it out.
I throw up an ocean if I don't drown.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.

Went too far but it had to and now I'm down forever.
Till I'm gone forever.
Drowned forever.
Like this world has swallowed me.
And thrown me up, purged me out so far.

I was the breaking iceberg that sank.
A creature under the sand.
A black piece of land on the bottom from the day that I came here.
I tried not to come here.
And yet...
Drowning forever till I'm sand.
I'm sad like the ocean.
Sad like the moon.
Sad like the dark nights, light as a piece of sand.
Spirit is free.

Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.

Eve C6SS6NDR6

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

I Live like there’s no tomorrow
Be who I want to be
And be happy about it

That’s what I try to tell myself

My latest name is Eve C6SS6NDR6
Eve is more relaxed than Shadow, the previous.

She can stay up late.
And listen to her playlist forever.

But there’s an energy of love so pure that she can only feel in dreams.
Sleeping peacefully.

It’s hard to get there.
But she remembers it well.

The songs of the playlist are still playing.
When she wakes up she hears them in her head.

Up like there’s no tomorrow.
Wanting to die but not now.
And be happy about it.

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

Can I call the forest from my room?
Sing the energy off my spirit?
The forest is so far away but when I close my eyes I’m there.
I can lie in a bath of roses and light some purple and black candles.
Dive my head into the water.
Freeing myself for a moment like I’m all alone in the dark.

Not the same as being alone in the forest.
Not the same as being the exact final form I’m longing for.
Feeling the way I can only get a glimpse of through that music.
My beloved songs and dear energies that I was able to receive from people that I love.
I feel like that’s where I belong, where I can feel these feelings.
Intensely purely, growing from the balance that comes from life.
My life on earth.

And now new life on earth is growing.
I’m growing as a being.
Still taking in each development.
Trying to be patient.
To understand why so much has been hurting all in one life that still has to be.
Still has to move on.
Still has to grow.
Still finds new forms.
When can I set it free and be my purest version?
I’m longing for that day.

🖤🌹🥚🌹🥚🌹🖤

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

Looking at your younger self from a viewer’s perspective.
You’re not in the middle of it.
You see everything.
You know everything that was going on.
And it’s good you couldn’t see everything like that back then.
You still couldn’t deal with it but at least you didn’t see everything as the big picture that you see today.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

All you can do is try with what you’ve got.
Sorrow can be all you know.
A part of you, a part of your life, a life that has exhausted your all.
Freedom can still happen.
But not real happiness generally.
Just a moment where you feel good in a song or with someone.

Confusing cause: “hay, everything is supposed to **** in here”!
But darkness has beauty and light is too bright.
You found a way towards “good darkness”.
And now that you’ve actually found a good person without just darkness…
Can you handle it?
It doesn’t really fit with anything of your being.
Yet it’s so comfortable, yet it’s so real.

And you are allowed to be your own darkness and they will be them in their warmth and their flames that don’t burn.
Just warm and just peaceful.

But the darkness is there to stay there till the end.
So…how many moments of feeling good till it’s  done, till the lights go out and the flames burn up?
Till you’re able to end an everlasting night of misery, missing something, missing comfort.
In yourself cause you haven’t found it anywhere.
Until now.

Things are coming together, always.
But you have to have a lot of patience.
In this world nothing happens on its own.
Nothing happens without effort.
Especially when your mind suffers.
Compassion for yourself and others can be a key to reach your true potential.
And your goal.
But it’s hard to know exactly where it all will lead to.
One goal after another.

I clean the mirror and stick my tongue out to life!
Not giving a **** used to give me energy.
Now I’m lucky if it brings me peace.
Joy has dulled out.
I still like crazy bands and their stories…
But I think I’ve had most of my crazy funny nights.
I don’t know.
Maybe I should try it one more time.
Just to see if it’s alright.

How much longer can I want to die but still just stick around?
Cause why not, guess I still can.
Anyway but it gets old.
But it gets better in some ways.
But there’s never a straight line towards anywhere.
And I’m just so over all of these unpleasant tasks and feelings every day.
Every night I’m waking.
Constantly.
I want to dream!
Intense dreams, peaceful nights and days.
Evening cries with music playing just celebrating suffering.

Everything.
Even though we don’t know where this will end.
What will begin?
We just know that we won’t take another type of control after this war!
This place of war that we got sent into!
I’m cleaning my mirror and sticking out my tongue.
Just to say, I’m hating this game!

Changing clothes 3 times a day before it’s comfy.
Comfy if I’m lucky.
After exercising and stretching for my back and body shape.
And calming down for half an hour.

My routine.
If I don’t cry it went ok.
If I don’t do it I feel sick and stay in my bathrobe.…

I shake, I’m cold and so uncomfortable.
After I’ve gone through this I should feel better.
But if I want to put on makeup and it’s not going well I get too frustrated and tired.
But I pick my skin, I can’t stop it.
Most of the time.

So I want to cover it and look the way I want to.
I know it could be worse, my face.
But I want to express myself with how I look.
It helps a lot to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I leave it when I can because the days are never easy.

OCD, overwhelming, needing things to be in a certain way, anticipation etc.
My life has been so heavy.
I feel old, it’s ok, also a child, it’s ok, it’s all ok.
But I still want to die.
Most of the time.
It’s ok I guess…
I’m trying to be ok, to relax and be accepting of everything.

Even grateful for the things that are going well.
Of course.
And I am grateful but it usually doesn’t really bring me joy, just relief.

Just let me cry now.
I don’t like life, my head, my body, my bad feelings, the noises, the absolute discomfort.
Let me cry, cry, cry.
And then hopefully make it ok.

One more time again.
Again and again.
Before I die.

And then I’ll go and do my own way completely.
I promise.
No compromise, no listening to, not even trusting in anything.

Anything but my intuition, my feeling.
That feeling I am needing.
Needing so so bad.
So bad it makes me want to cry.
And die.

Ice around my spine.
I dug my grave on this earth.
I keep waking up from the sounds.
What would it be like, resting in peace?
Like a long sleep?
If I can dream I will come in.

Into the long resting in peace before the journey back.
Back home after the battles for peace.
With ice around my spine I lie there now.
Waiting in the grave.

My grave I dug right on this earth because I’m not ok with being not ok.
Not ok all of my life and now I’m so uncomfortable and tired.
Just lying there with ice around my spine.
Having to wait.

Icy grave, ice grave.
I cannot escape.
I’m swimming but I’m not ok.
I’m not resting.
Tired of swimming in my icy grave.
Ice grave.

You wished for things to never be like that again.
And they did change.
They’re still hard, still feel bad.
Not as bad but still bad.

And you’re tired.
And it still feels very hard and bad everyday.
The essence stayed, your body and your head.
Which are more worn out than ever.
So things changed and are finally better.
But yet you suffer.

And it’s still very extremely hard to get through the days.
The nights are still rough.
But it will never be the same.
And one day all the pain will be gone.
And you’ve grown out of it and from it.
To never ever feel like that again.

To not let it ever exist to feel like that for anyone else.
Because the knowledge was gained and now it shall be gone, over and done with!
Murdered, moved on from.
Taken care of.

Slaughtered.
Understood.
Like a broken cycle.
Life on earth is about this.
And it keeps happening.

When it’s your time, do escape.
Don’t follow.
Don’t follow that trap.
All the traps.
Don’t fall for them next time when there won’t be time.

Just essence.
The real essence, you.
Pure passion.
Pure experience.
Pure creation.
No judgement.

No wishing but creating.
Just really feeling intensely.
Everything.
That’s the real truth.
This is just a journey, this world of rules.
A journey fitted for you, not by you.
It’s a battle, a task, a duty.
Everything you do.

Be real and free, go be it already.
Where possible.

How to get through the day after another bad night, hating life…!…? 😭