I am such a shell
A fractured piece as well
Of who I used to be
Used to feel and used to see
I am such a mess
A melted version, less
Than the person I once was
What I thought I’d become
I can’t even love
Anything I used to love
Without leaning on a crutch
Something new to pick me up
Even my most beloved things
Have since grown up and grown wings
And flown beyond my grasp
Leaving me to finish last

Gratitude is a funny thing
One day I’m bitter
Another it spills over the brim
A sunny Monday,
My brother laughing,
Then suddenly it doesn’t matter
That I can’t afford the Maldives
I’m okay as long as they are,
As long as the sun shines and
I have food to eat
I’m okay
And I’m grateful

It must be nice if the
Worst day of your life
Is really just one day
Mine looks through my windows
It knows my email address
It feeds on my fear
And sleeps in my stress
The worst day of my life
Is eighteen months long
So far, and I don’t know
If I can go on
In this sleepless nightmare
Each day is the same
Many more months of worst days
And I’ll go insane

People ask me
‘What have you been up to?’
And I say ‘staying alive’
People find it funny
Another silly joke from
Silly little me
But it’s not a joke at all
For here I am
On a Wednesday afternoon
Eating a cheese toastie
Instead of killing myself

I’m trying to stand in the sun
But your moonlit ******
Hooks my heart
I love the warmth on my skin
But your voice is akin
To musicians
Plucking beats in my soul
Thumping and twanging
When I say I want soft notes
Am I a liar or a lunatic?
For whatever music I learn
My voice only sings in tune to you
I’m trying to lie in the sun
But your night is all I know

Love isn’t even the word
There isn’t a word
For how my soul
Rests in the chaos
Of your world
Love isn’t even the feeling
Love isn’t enough
For how my hands
Want nothing but
To lay on you
I don’t even mind
What you think of me
Just see me sometimes
How I see you
Love me sometimes
Or pretend to
Treat me as bad as you can
As you do
And I my love, will still love you

Oh it can all be so perfect
To be one with myself
And so two with any of you
Only my voice is song
Only my hands are healers
Seeing for myself is my only sight
Oh it can all be so wonderful
Living for myself
And not at all for you