"wanker" poems
only an idiot like me, the rain poured down, my socks were wetted, and i looked at the pavement for glory, instead i found a £10 note and imagined my right shoe on my left leg, and my left shoe on my right leg... just to prove the luck.
it came from listening to rotting christ's kata
ton daimona...
i wrote the poem on two tesco receipts
numbering them no. 1 - .4,
it made sense to just give it a narrative...
the naturally apparent lisp of greek is due to...
lies between theta (θ) and phi (φ)...
check feta cheese... it might be less morbidly fermented...
that's why the greeks have a natural lisp...
it's theta and it's phi...
in english it's like chinese.... w & r...
something's rolling something's waving,
something's trigonometric...
harrison fowd was almost jonathan woss if i care...
the chinese in english debate with chin-chin-wanker
scissors piece of paper stone good luck on the handshake:
lost the price of interest being gained for excavation
purposes of dinosaur bones and inflation via the
ptertodactyl of the extended mohawk shave...
english dicionary makes me confused...
it places theta alongside the, than... but then
it's therapy... thermometer...
too many unique examples i'd have said...
that's the lisp there... sidelined phew and engaged in phew
in byzantine...
english linguistics is filled with too many "unique" examples
of expression... coupled with the celebrity culture...
i farted and a person took hold of a *** squeeze...
how's that?! english language in summary?
pleasing on the eye... but the spelling? a burden on the tongue.
i know that slavic linguistics would make enlgish that's written
ugly...
it wouldn't be pharmacology but farmacology...
then it made sense, i stopped asking the english dicta
written down, the greek θ wasn't a couple of th & etc...
a few athenains in death metal said it like i said it... the 2nd f...
it was απηθανoν - because it was simply athens - fern fence...
and not d... defence, or anything easily acquired as a prescription
of zee wee point of german scottish.
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 7:04 PM UTC
My unrequited golden dove,
you are a merchant banker
them bloomin' groovy bars
are sad tonight
but given the chance I wouldda gotten
cash & carried
& spent me porridge knife
loving your mince pies
had I not known
you'd treat me golden dove thus
& yes, been your trouble & strife
with all me Horse & cart.......
I know, not smart
I know, not smart
Translation:
( In English tis not a very impressive poem... it's just amusing how you can make cockney rhyming slang into a poem, so I've been experimenting.... I really want to send this to the guy I'm unrequitedly in love with actually... & leave him (hopefully)confused & in the dark as to what I wrote....mostly I just really want to call him a ' merchant banker' e.g ' wanker' & get away with it!! xD ' Wanker' is a particularly offensive term to use when referring to a man!)
* My unrequited love
you are a ******
them ****** stars
are sad tonight
but given the chance I would have gotten
married
& spent my life
loving your eyes
had I not known
you would treat my love thus
& yes, been your wife
with all my heart
I know, not smart
I know, not smart*
Oct 15, 2015
Oct 15, 2015 at 7:16 PM UTC
John Lennon
Can you imagine the world if he wasn’t shot?
Do you think his believers will finally see
The bullshitting hypocrite behind all that peace?
“All you need is love” sang by a guy
Who went out of his way to be cruel to his wife
Used to ***** about his dad doing the disappearing act
Until he did it himself, the silly ****
“Imagine no possessions”
Bold words from a guy who had a lot of obsessions
“Love is real, real is love”
Says the guy who’d rather have two lovers at once
His best hits was with the Fab Four
His solo hits are like seesaws
Yoko Ono had some hits
By him, behind closed doors she took it
Some people see him as some sort of Jesus
But truth is, he was politically clueless
The egotistical, ignorant little poseur
Who’d rather stay in bed until it’s all over
Did he change the world? Did he ****
Nothing but a demigod, high in everyone’s mind
I’m really glad he died in his prime
Just wished that ****** Bono was next in line
Jan 13, 2021
Jan 13, 2021 at 8:00 PM UTC
****
mit ein(e)
gernierung
of... ******
MACDONALDS
for the protestants
MCDONALDS
for the catholics...
and **** the rest of it
whoop di do d'ah
whoopsie!
**** it...
i always called the IRA
the ginger ninja brigade...
******* *****
ha ha!
is that even permitted?
like...
oopsies?!
oh ****
the steam-roller is
giving it a shot at reading
the earth,..
flat...
map on paper?
**** me... no app....
****** you ever navigate a car
through the German Rhine roundabout?
what's in it?
Dortmund.. Essen...
you know that constipated
part of the road map of Europe...
ever navigate that trippy
conundrum ******** of navigation?
beside me...
can't speak german,
won't navigate in german,
no matter how many
Mercedes-Benz they pump out
from the Henry Ford institute of
the reclining chair,
supposing
die krupps to be squidgy clean...
i think the european translation
reads:
die Dortmund Ringe...
das Rhine Ringe...
**** allocating yourself to a rally car...
navigate through that sort
of German ********
achtung achtung...
autobahn ende!
vorwärtskreis
might as well salute for a second
coming of... hítlear!
shaking Stevens?
huh?!
knee on the no contra
the know: bother...
the english won't know...
isn't that nay?
i listen to too much lawyer
jargon...
i'd love to listen to
poetry...
but... i figured...
lawyers play the slight of
the sly of hand that poets
exasperate into toying with words
to accomplish art...
lawyers? the impasse of
judgement?
**** me!
apparently the argument
goes:
down syndrome...
psychopaths...
'ere by god's grace...
much grace, my lord...
too much grace...
two salvation pointers:
(a) i won't drink with them...
(b) i won't eat with them,
(c) there is no "c" that isn't
a "d" that isn't an "e"
"f", etc!
you get a zebra...
you get a null bonus!
a ******* safari of an automated
anti hamster Boston outfit!
Aug 14, 2018
Aug 14, 2018 at 8:23 PM UTC
Doris bought herself a bike when she were 93.
Thought a trip to John 'O'Groats, would keep her flying free.
Started off at Lands End, from there on she did wobble.
Rode past the tanker.
****** driver,what a ******
He nearly knocked her off.
She noted down his registration number.
Took it to the cop shop.
Wasn't feeling very happy, poor old darling needs a *****
Got back on her bike, to resume her hike.
The raindrops poured and granny snored.
Had a kip while on her bike, maybe Granny needed a trike.
Got as far as the corner shop.
She fancied a little nibble.
Noticed it was getting dark.
She checked out the sky.
Decided cycling was too hard work.
So off she went.
Decided to fly.
Grabbed her broomstick from the hallway.
Off she flew, up, up and away.
Wahey Doris.
Witch granny on an away-day.
(C)LIVVI 2014
Feb 10, 2014
Feb 10, 2014 at 8:51 AM UTC
The line between necessity and decency...
Is often blurred by laziness
Fancy that!
And when you do, the implosion of a galaxy
Is easily possible based on the Unit of Humanitarian incompetency
The fat man eating doritos on a couch
The ****** who won't study
The Goat that lays no eggs
Good night
Nov 29, 2013
Nov 29, 2013 at 1:41 AM UTC
today I read a series
of rules
for writing poetry.
one that caught my eye was:
"If it hasn't been edited, it isn't a poem. It is a draft."
it was stated with such conviction, I was convinced.
I said to myself:
"I've never written a poem... these are all
drafts."
but this guy also said:
never rhyme,
use the word soul
and you should be shot,
if it doesn't sound beautiful
it isn't a poem.
also he was writing rules
on how to write poetry.
who does that?
I resolved that he must be
a pretentious ******
this is the raw stuff
that we all have to work with.
but no one ever publishes
their first draft.
so we're stuck
living in our own raw
footage,
and comparing it to
everyone else's highlight reel.
if you don't want to call this
poetry, that's fine.
you can **** on
my initial *****
Sep 30, 2012
Sep 30, 2012 at 12:17 PM UTC
That's right we do have them,
they don't hurt in the same way,
but they're a pain in the ***
and they **** up my days!
Some of us get grumpy,
some of us get easily ******
some of us get sulky,
and it normally equates to this!
I feel ****
when my gorgeous girl is away,
call me ***** although I won't be labelled as a ******
why can't my lovely just stay!
Jun 16, 2013
Jun 16, 2013 at 3:03 PM UTC
All the world's a *********
And all the lads and ladettes mere defecators,
Gratifying oozing exits and entrances;
And one man perforce enacts too many roles,
His acts being seven deaths. D'abord, the baby,
******** and ******* on his mummy's frock.
Then, the errant truant with his rucksack
And pock-marked wanker's face, creeping like death
Foul-trouser'dly to school. Next a teenager,
Panting like mad dog, with an oozing pustule
Dripping oe'r his girlfriend's pubics. Then a hoodie,
Full of strange oaths, and dressed up like a freak,
Lacking in honour, decency, and up for aggro,
Seeking the respect of loathsome peers
Even on the street corner. And then the adult
With bulging beer belly, and ample burgers stuff'd,
With eyes dulled by unfulfilled promises,
Mortgaged to the hilt, and indebted to Visa,
And so he wastes his life. The sixth age dawns
Before he knows it, bald futility,
With ****** in pocket, five quid a pill,
His youthful hopes well fuck'd, the world too much
For his ignorance, and his vain butch rantings
Reverting soon to teenage curses, coughs
And tobacco'd wheezings. Last we see him,
Ending a pointless and useless existence,
Clutching to his piss-stained Zimmer frame,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans pension fund.
Mar 23, 2015
Mar 23, 2015 at 4:54 PM UTC
i
now,whose
the ******
lily,this
confrontation
is such a bore..
there is no wine
as sweet as thirst
( to paraphrase
edna st.vincent millay)
little mr. thought for
the day-
a potato is a potato..
ii
well that was lunch
inspiration is rather
dry to some petulant
spring such is day three
of the fiesta..
iii
but here anyway..
iv
i would rather dig my own
grave with a numbered spoon
then go to a bbq..
v
sooner play the blues
than go on a cruise
vi
better loose both knees
then visit disney..
vii
lily leave me
stop this carousing
the love tree
has become winter then
our spring lost and gone
when blossom hung
sweet and glittering
in the free
summer found us
in sundry doldrums
pitched again to
the roots of done..
autumn now the golden
days lay like a stone
where we sought ourselves
anew..
toward the equinox of our
o and to no where
particular but love and now
we me yo..
Oct 7, 2018
Oct 7, 2018 at 8:33 AM UTC
The clock struck mid-night London on the cheeks of her rosy smile. Glancing at Big Ben her high heels shined posh over the moon. Bold, intelligent and independent she stood at the corner of Westminster and Margret upon a shadow that faded her invisible to the alley of the big black door. She wanted a walk on the wild….. so with crimson lips the brazen beauty blew a kiss that knocked deaths door three times firm.
Beauty: Hello sweetheart. Could you be a doll and crack the bolt. She playfully inquired.
Death’s Door: ****** off!” I’m tired and about to hit the rack!
Beauty: "Eee you cheeky monkey" Do not play coy! For you may be a Fit Bloke for most but I’m
Karen Wankerstien the sexiest women in England! Crack the bolt I say!!!
Death’s Door: Who?
Beauty: Don’t be a ****** I’m Karen Wankerstien, business women of the year and the toast of this year’s Queen Charlotte Ball! Crack the bolt I say!!
Death’s Door: Who?
Beauty: You Nitwit. You know me well. It’s me Karen!
Death’s Door: OOO Hi Karen!!! You know I don’t recognize any of those fancy titles! For once you pass through these doors they all vanish. It’s best you live your life for the unseen beauty that never fades! “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” (proverbs 31).
Then crack goes the deadbolt! Fluttering her spine with the momentary thrill that danced upon the sun-rise of her temporal fairy-tale identity.
Dec 24, 2013
Dec 24, 2013 at 7:57 PM UTC
You ******
you absolute ******* *****
I mean seriously
how much of a ****** are you?
silent to your friends
silent to the parentals
silent to yourself
except for in times of strife
(as if you know real strife)
you just want to be nice,
right,
correct,
for the girls you string along
you feel for all of them
which is why
you are afraid of everything
afraid of committing
afraid of hurting
afraid of loving
you love them
almost as much
as the self loathing
which runs through your veins
Apr 18, 2013
Apr 18, 2013 at 11:50 PM UTC
Throw a word into a conversation like a grenade
Pin pulled overarm bowled and away it goes
You see the explosive reactions on their faces
Its impact is as detonation
Its entropy now expanding
Some are fired for effect some for pleasure
But you, thIs one is for you
****** !
May 9, 2013
May 9, 2013 at 9:02 AM UTC
I joke a lot , I like to please,
It puts edgy peoples nerves at ease,
Some of them I gently tease,
Sometimes I feel a ghastly freeze,
Not all appreciate my banter,
I can't be really any franker,
Small minded grumpy little ******
I think next time I'll simply blank her.
Apr 11, 2014
Apr 11, 2014 at 3:56 PM UTC
Recession, what recession, I couldn't care a jot
You should check out all the money that I've got.
I don't need to work as my Dad's a merchant banker
And he's a fat cat too, what a greedy ******
I look out my window to see the peasants grovel
In the dirt, starving in a filthy Council hovel;
I just sit and smile and sip at my Laurent-Perrier.
Long live capitalism, I just couldn't be any merrier.
Oct 17, 2014
Oct 17, 2014 at 7:04 AM UTC
i love how after 70cl of whiskey my
metabolism is up and running -
i know, egoistical self-indulgent crap,
but it works! i get to say **** you
to 99 people and say: come on in
to 1 - but that doesn't even
matter, given the circumstance
of the 1 being a schizophrenic;
but hey! i grew a beard
after all, being post-25 years of age,
so a fully grow Amazon on my cheeks
and chin, a welcome reminder of:
the Aztecs played football too,
but it was more like
****** of San Francisco mixed
with golf mixed with netball
mixed with the ailing N.H.S.
chanting: god save our bed-shitting queen,
god save our precious artefacts from
Hindustan. and Gobi the cabby from
new Delhi -
god save our... a round of pints for the lot
of us! way-hey! charging into crusades with
a jaguar export from Germany under
the slogan: Vein Diesel biceps-flexed:
too fast, and two of each:
that'll be a pistachio - say it as meaning
lime green, go on - oi! ******
who's that Russian hooligan with pistaccio?!
one keg-pouch over here must have minded
the safety-belt limit
prior to a heart-attack and you're giving me
all Abba lip-sarge and surging...
gimme gimme a man at half time...
two pints and a burger in and i'll be
juicing up a saxophone for a crescendo better than
this one...
well... it was lovely to meet you, send my
best regards to your mother, a sincerely;
i swear to god, when i'm done, the only
person you'll be phoning will be your mother.
Jun 20, 2016
Jun 20, 2016 at 9:01 PM UTC
****** flirting with that barmaid like that. He says that he was just having a laugh but I’m sick of it. Everytime we go out it’s the same
“Oh its just a laugh Lucy. Just chill out, get a life”.
“I’ll get a life without you” I told him as I threw my ***** and coke in his face. He was furious but give him his due he didn’t retaliate. He’s a womanising ******** but he has never been violent.
Its dark walking home. Still its only 20 minutes from the pub to my flat. He’d better not think of coming back there, ****** **** its raining. I’ll be drenched. I new that I should have called a cab but I was so het up, not thinking straight.
That blokes been following me for the past few minutes. Don’t panic Lucy it’s a coincidence. He just happens to be going in the same direction as you. I can’t see his face. That hat pulled down almost hiding his eyes, I don’t like it. Christ he’s walking fast, almost running. Keep calm he just wants to get home out of the rain the same as you. But he’s running straight at you. **** the alley’s empty just this ****** and me. Scream, call for help. But he hasn’t done anything, he’s only running. Shout anyway it will scare him away.
“Help, help someone please help”.
There are no houses around here. No one can hear me. I shouldn’t have gone down this short cut, It saves 5 minutes but its taken me away from the main street. Oh Christ why didn’t I call a cab. Please, please god help me. He’s running now. I can here him calling for me to stop. You must be ******* joking mate I’m not stopping for you! I can’t run in these heels. Off they come. I haven’t been to the gym for ages. God I’m so out of condition I’m wheezing like an old man. My chest’s killing me and I’ve a stitch in my right side. Must rest. Can’t rest he’ll catch you. Must stop for a moment. I can’t. Oh **** he’s still gaining on me I wish I’d kept going to the gym with the girls. Please, please no he’s almost on top of me. Run, Run Lucy, must get away. I can see the street lights up ahead. Just one more spurt and your back in civilisation.
He’s waving. What the hell does he expect me to do, I’m not stopping! Oh Christ he’s caught up with me. He’s got something in his hand and he’s pointing it at me. God is it a gun? Why me?
“You left this on the bar. God lady you where in a hurry. I thought I’d never catch up with you. This is your mobile isn’t it?”
Dec 31, 2013
Dec 31, 2013 at 9:14 AM UTC
The blue on her shiner
matched the azure of her irises,
she'd try to cover it cosmetically,
you could tell she was sad.
What a pathetic ****** he was,
big tough guy he wasn't,
he'd last about a second
in the real ****
be crying home
for his mommy.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 4:59 PM UTC
Booted
The boss was a real fecking ****** who abused his position
Now he’s got the golden boot and is no longer there
But he goes to the company cark park to see his lieutenant
Who is just the same as him an equal seller more arrogant!
The original boss was quite a nice guy not a *******
It was his elite selling unit he set up that stunk of elitism
You’re not fecking fighter pilots so why the fake Godliness
It all stinks of ******** and **** licking all the way
Tong that far up the **** it comes outa their **** mouth
Who will fill the original boss’ boots will it be his lieutenant?
Who went to the same skool and was trained the same way
Instructions and orders are sent via messenger do this and that
Keep at it run the account my way this way I’m still there
My influence is like Uncle Joe Stalin always present and seeing
Give them Hell drove them to break to leave hire and fire ‘em
Still give me some wanga it’s my account even if I’m booted
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 8:00 AM UTC
*as i said to one Englishman... wait wait, you building an Auschwitz all-over-again? why didn't you say so! i'd thrown a brick into construction! ****** - thanks for not letting me to integrate - oh right, and the argument is: you're sub-human. fan-fucking-tastic, i can't wait for the lazy ******* in the construction site; because the Bulgarians were donkeys, and so the Romanians, the Poles had some respect... i'm gonna be loving this transition from office work into brick-laying of the local populace.*
james dean allover again, it's hard to assimilate these days,
integrating i.e. paying your taxes is the easy shove-and-pull,
but to perform a complete eradication of origin is harsh...
the English complain about the Poles... but they rarely
complain about Curry Henry and his Bangladeshi crew
of the former colonies... so why did the British
wage war with Germany in the second world war...
why not take a Swedish stance on things apathetic?
so when in Europe you were racist against Europeans,
but counter- when you accepted turmeric dye over here
from India... what?! a stick has two ends,
you ******* Stalinist all off a sudden
so that i only hear half of the ******* argument?
GO TRUMP! GO TRUMP! STATUE
OF LIBERTY HANDLING A *****
GO TRUMP! GO TRUMP! WOO HOO!
**** 'EM OVER! you think that provocation can
be easily externalised, once you provoke the right
it presupposes a tactic of puppetry - you were
antisemitic with communism anyway, who gives
a **** i don't... you didn't give a **** about me
for so long i'm not going to bother either.
Jun 26, 2016
Jun 26, 2016 at 11:49 AM UTC
She said to me she liked my suit but...
"Bite your tongue" I replied
She said "but no I only meant..."
"I don't need your approval" I lied
"It really is quite nice" she whispered
her face now red with shame
"Like it or not, I hardly care
to me it's all the same"
I walked away with head held high
but feeling oh so bad
why had I uttered these angry words
and made her look so sad
Was it the disappointment
that she hadn't oohed and aahed
after the time I had spent choosing
were my feelings so on guard
I'd wanted her to be proud of me
and give me so much praise
but as usual the "but" was added
it was always there these days
So my defensive ego reared up
and had bitten her in spite
criticism I couldn't take
and my nerves told me to fight
Scream at the World and be ******
my inner self did shout
as tears now rolled down my face
while I looked for a way out
Taking my courage in both hands
I turned and wiped my eyes
"Forgive me please I'm sorry
for emitting all those lies"
"It's my love of all things you
that has made me highly strung
I only wish that I'd been silent
and bitten my own tongue"
She looked at me with sadness
and then turned her head away
"Goodbye you ******* ******
was all I heard her say
The End.
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 at 2:00 PM UTC
I am no *** minded
hormone raged
scarred
scathed
bruised
burned
oily greasy mess
of a boy
I'm both a lover and a ******
A sinner and a sack of redundant words
My harm is to myself
so why take the cross?
May 10, 2014
May 10, 2014 at 7:08 AM UTC
Struck
In the
Eye
The tissue
Wiped
Away
Jesus
God
And
Why?
Approval
No longer
Needed
No
Reply
With
Palms
Clasped
And
Pen
Open
Wide
Ink
Leaked
From
Inside
Aug 5, 2016
Aug 5, 2016 at 3:18 PM UTC