To unbreak a heart
Is to be alive
when you feel death all around you
It's to smile
when all your tears are melting through your pores
It's to be happy
when sadness owns your every breath
It's to pretend the impossible is happening
when you know the reality of it all

To unbreak a heart
Is to never have been in love
It's to wash your hands of the past
when your present is made up of ever present memories
It's to make believe you never believed
when you've still got a ray of hope
It's to laugh out loud
when your insides feel like they're collapsing

To unbreak a heart
Is to a tell a lie
To cross your heart and hope to die
To recognize your faults and forgive his sins
To pray for forgiveness
To lose the fight and learn to live with regrets
To marry out of connivence

To unbreak a heart is to have never loved at all

i think the reason why i fell so deeply and helplessly and utterly in love with him was that he was not broken. i thought that maybe loving him would somehow unbreak me, make me a little less shattered than i was. i have seen and felt and fallen and broken and aged and heard and been more than i ought to have but there's nothing i can do about that now. and so i was drawn to his innocent, unbridled naïveté, which may as well be the last thing that has been left untouched by the bitter darkness of this world.

If you don't think I care
I will have to explain the way I feel then. I only been in love once in my 19 years of living and it was heartbreaking and terrible. Ending with lonely nights and stained pillows. Stained red wrists and a hollow mind. Most of it was painful for me and not a happy love at all. It took a little to really think I loved him. Nearly 7 months until those words came out of my month.  Feelings and trust are hard for me because of that interesting cheating blue eyed boy. I think I knew I was falling out of love when I noticed you at first.  You were funny and different per say. I actually liked going into work 10 mins early just to try and say hi. I never knew that saying hi to someone could feel like getting shot and falling for 50 feet. I think the first time I actually felt something for you was when you came over and we talked for 10 mins.  Not anything specials but I wanted more. I think the last time he cheated on me the day after he was at my house and I gave him everything I had to stay with me was the day I turned away and stopped trying so hard. "You can't do that anymore. Move on. Don't keep running back to a ***** piece of crap that you don't deserve." I had to replay that over and over again. Enough to make me think I was better off trying with someone who I didn't even know then trying with someone who I knew more then anyone.  If letting go let me find happiness then I'm okay with knowing your not okay. I'm okay. I'm more then okay. I feel like I'm smiling more then I have in a year. I feel like I could be content with what I have with him for a pretty long time. I feel that I need to unbreak you into believing I really do love you. If I have to be strong for both of us then I will be. I wish I could push and hide everyone away that hurt you all these years to make you believe you are a amazing guy and that I'm lucky you left at the time you so I didn't have to search for you. I'm glad I heard you were leaving cause I would of never knew if I didn't take those guest service hours. Why would you think I would leave when I tried so hard to get you to notice me? I didn't make myself up on the days you were there just to look good for myself. Im not going anywhere and I really wish you would know that. I'm not some girl who takes what she thinks she can get and walk away. I'm not going to take your heart and run away with it. We both know how that feels and I wouldn't want anything to make you feel like that again. If you ever wanted to leave you can take me with you. Run from at all. Pack up and leave. I'll be fine with that. Don't think I don't know how you feel cause I'm just as broken as you may be. But two broken souls can always find a way to fix each other and become hole again. Maybe we could become one by fixing each other. Just believe me that I love you and that I'm sorry those one word answers sometimes annoy you or I don't seem interested enough as you are but I am. I don't look up at you when we are laying down just to look up. I don't hold you for as long as I can just to hold on to something. I don't write about someone at 2am unless they mean a lot to me. It's not easy to find someone who actually understand that sleeping is hard and maybe even understand that being alive is hard for most days. we seem to understand each other more then anyone I know. It's amazing to think that things I feel you may feel too or have felt. This is a good idea You and me are a good idea. Don't leave and I'll try my best to make you understand my feelings towards you. I know you won't leave and I need you to know I wont either. If I'm yours then you are mine. And I don't want that to change.

It took my over 30 years to discover Johnny Mathis's recording of UNBREAK MY HEART. I had been a big fan of his in the the late 50s and early 60s. I, like millions of other teenagers then, had fallen in love under the spell of his beautiful singing. My favorite songs were CHANCES ARE and THE TWELTH OF NEVER. I begin every morning now listening to his musical magic on YouTube. Why do I comment on Mathis' UNBREAK MY HEART? Because my sense is that Mathis emotionally enters the song as he sings it. This results in a transcendental experience, which one rarely has either in listening to a song or in viewing a painting or in reading a poem or in experiencing any other kind of artistic endeavor. It is virtually unique for anyone, and that is why I wanted to share it with all of you.

Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks

We did not ask for agreements or signatures
even a due diligence, check out each others
entrails, internet outcomes, criminal records
social security numbers
marriage licenses, children's ages, moles
on our mountains of doubt
even a fingerprint on a bare breast
phone numbers, mates and mistresses
drinking and smoking habits
salad preferences, vegan, bogan or  whatever.

We did, however, listen to that heartbeat
the words we spoke, the pictures we drew
finished, the colours that we painted
between rainbows
and the children we dreamed
who would look like you and me
if ever born
and how smart they would be
and as naughty as those little titters
of laughter, that cleared every checkbox.
on this shopping list for a mate!

We knew that this partnership existed
there was nothing we could do
to unbreak this bond that grew
from a tiny little seed
into this one big giant momentum
of togetherness.

That's a worthwhile partnership
several levels above commercial simplicity.

Author Notes

The romance continues.......
© Marshall Gass. All rights reserved, a month ago

steps to mend
a broken heart:

1. take a good look at your heart,
assess the damage
2. pick up every piece, dust off the pain
3. call a cab, rent a storage room for the unrequited memories
4. let the clock twirl its magic a couple times
5. undress what hurts, damp what you escape from facing
6. hold the weapon that fractured you and bathe in its every fraction
7. collect every fragment left in you, there is strength in unity
8. remember that self love is the only way to win this battle
9. crash in your favourite sheets, put your heart to sleep
10. take your shot at life, assess all of the possibilities

You were born better than me for now
More prepared, your skin smoother, even,
Your black boots that look like
They’ve been licked by junkies
Your oil-eyes are able to divide the images
T.V. orange and a tangerine
One is not the other
When I will seep inside the hole in you head
I’ll pick and pull to get you
Really get you
Before your full mouth moves
I’ll nod and tell you
Quiet quiet, I know I know
I am an idiot, I run scared
I hide in cars, I cry at celebrity gossip
The red carpet is the ****** scene
Your tongue rolls the same way
Unrolls, let’s the stars fall out
Then rolls, let’s me disappear inside
I hate myself
I reach for better thing than the sky
I grab your hand in mine and I reach for
Toy monsters
For romances written by wine and ****-buddies
For meaningless problems
For music carved in plastic
I let you unguide me, undo the zipper, unbreak my glasses, the ones that are tiny mirrors
But then you speak
And it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen
So
I make surgeries on myself like a night-doctor
I build a tree house in a pear tree that you can’t see

Yes, that’s me buried up to my head in your yard
Yes, that’s me telling strangers I am dying of sadness and lack of substance
Yes, that’s me trying to fit in your head
Yes, this is me setting myself on fire wearing nothing but your black boots
I win.
Keep ignoring me
I write better poetry (and we all know I hate poetry)

La. La. La. La.

The cursed and fated prince had prophesies, I’ve got soap operas
I’ve got night and nights of blank, blank, ****
I’ve got a freezer-burnt heart
And pictures of you drinking neon drinks
I’ve got the dichotomy and pungent mixture of art and ****, of God found in the gutter
You’re drinking anti-freeze aren’t you?
That would mean so much if you were
Keep ignoring me
I’ll send you my hands when you’re done with them
They won’t work
               But you can touch yourself with them
     They will be gray
Paint them red
A red that can’t wash off.

butterflies love the blood,
tumbling about in bellies,
whisk it away, the way we pray,
a bird being carried by a breeze,
lifted essence, manifested,
heart shade, finally, at ease,
signal came through,
translated to
sharpened claws,
unclenched jaws -
unthought it all while sober -

  you came as ocean, as breeze,
   as birds, as leaves,
   as hues and blues,
   sunshines and moons,
and you left as you pleased,

    opened my mouth wide to cry for you,
    praise you,
   love you, raise you above
  what I've said in silence,
  unbreak the trust I betrayed in private,

  you came as hearts, as people I've known,
  and stories never told, as whispers,
  as hugs, and as kisses,
  as melodies, repeatedly on my brain, as so,
absent of you,

      I came to know you:

butterflies love the blood,
dying slowly from the greed,
whisk it away, the way I pray,
would ask for your forgiveness,
but I know there is no need,

I feel you in the leaps
of knowing when to regret,
and when to let it be,
summon the tides stronger
aside dying suns, each day,
each night I pray for you to call upon me,
like you did when I was your favourite color,
pray for you to love the me now, and be sure of no other,

so if I adjust the pitch,
tune the sounds to form around
your wisdom, or pretty eyes,
maybe the melody will reach you again,

if not for love,
lost at sea,
then for truth,
and maybe friends we'll be,

no longer eclipsed by rumors

the sickest part
about realizing you are in love with someone
is figuring out that
they don't have to love you back
we believe that
the person that we hold closest to us
should hold onto us just as tightly
sometimes they can't
because they are too busy
holding onto someone else
who isn't holding them back either
and the trend goes on forever.

so after all of this, here i am
sitting on the edge of another strangers bed
coughing up all the 'i love you's that were said to me
but never meant for me
i realize now that curses don't always unbreak
the past is tied to you
like cinder blocks around your ankles
and pressing hard against your chest
like the weight of his other woman
your true loves kiss
wont fix a **** thing
if the love isnt mutual
lately ive learned that
it is sometimes better when you get stuck
kissing your own wounds
and sometimes is always
i never believed that i was somebody
that someone else could love again

thank you for proving me right

Tell them everything & don't leave out the good parts
Hell bent whispers for desperate listeners
I'm not proud of the things we did
No, it didn't work out ... we were just kids
Knowing I stand tall in courage to leave

Go on and tell them why I needed to flee
Oh, everyone is talking about me
Oh, I've kept it mute  so you wouldn't fall
Don't leave out the good parts, tell it all!

Tell them everything & in between
How you've become so mean... you've got your story & I got mine
Oh, the secrets you've told me
Uh, were a waste of my time
Good sweet lies as you said " I love you"
How do you feel now? Seeing me rise above you
Tell em how you broke my heart
Should have left but was blinded from the start

Just continuous restless nights
Knowing my decision was right

Fine lines were breaking
Unbreak my heart now that beats to a different drum
Continuous agony has made me go numb
Knowing **** well it was all affecting me

You tarnish my character just so you can look clean
Oh, after it all. I promised to never fall
Uh, at least tell them I'm a good kisser.

Think Good Thoughts! JK! *******!

I reassemble,
The wind flows backwards to your hands,
I am returning from whatever version of “beyond” you choose to believe,
Each particle caring a manifest blessing back with it.
Perhaps tears flow up your face, retracing the progression of grief down your cheek.
Or maybe I was an awful at the end and in rewind you whisper “dead is ***** old that god thank.”
But either way that is the past… or the future,
It isn’t prudent to examine such distinctions now
It’s movement not direction that matters.
My form is re-forged by fire,
My bones smoothing in the heat
My flesh hardens from liquid to coalesce around my uncooking muscles,
And still I rewind,
Personality and character drifting through the cobweb wrinkles of my skin,
Till somewhere in the dynamo of my body my heart finally beats its last “*** ba”… and then it’s second to last.
How strange is a life lived backwards?
Would words taste different in my mouth, have new meaning in rewind,
Would I find satanic messages in my everyday phrases or just speak in nonsense, a string of “a-blah-blah” that takes too long to be made sense of.
How different would my actions be?
My hands could peel away bruises,  unbreak eggs, and **** insults out of the air
Yet who would be responsible for these miracles,
Some dreadful foreword version of myself.

It's like
I would give anything to be melting into your lips right now
To have you pull your fingers through my hair, ripping out the split ends and insecurities, wanting to make me feel perfect for you again
And I
Would take your face in my hands and press it closer, making me your mask as we try to unbreak the relationship that's broken
And the hushed, delicate murmur of our hearts would beat against each other's bodies in the perfect silence
*"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

So you have an email that won’t get to me
So you have a life that’s fancy-free
So you have some dogs and mis’rable wife too
So you have your gun
And you have your excuse

So you have a few pictures, pictures of me
So you have some fake little stories
So you have new family and the sun’s shining too
So you have your addiction
And you have your excuse

Excuses, excuses
I’m so tired.
Excuses, excuses

They’re not enough to unbreak my heart
And they’re not enough to heal these scars
You went with the wind, changed my world
You left with no sign, not even goodbye
No apology, just a lie

So I’m supposed to let it go
So I’m supposed to be the adult
So I’m supposed to forgive and forget
How can I if you don’t regret it
Breaking my heart, weaving your lie
Spitting your words, making me cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry

How can I forgive? you’re not sorry.
How can I live? you took my life.
How can I believe you? all you do is lie.
How can I?

I’ve been hurt more than anyone should
All at your hand
So now it’s goodbye, goodbye for good.

If I could find a smile,
I'd find it deep within you.

If I could hear a laugh,
I'd make you giggle so true.

If I could feel the love,
I'd give it back but more.

If I could unbreak my heart,
these tears wouldn't be so sore.

If I could have a chance,
I'd turn your life around.

If I could turn back time,
I'd save you from the ground.

R.I.P. Big brother. I miss you.

I await the calm, the bleach
of night, that chapter

when my ribs
unbreak, crawl back

around my cageless heart. eyelids
weigh like lead in this cruel gravity--

they swell faster than tears. tears
that fail to surge me out of this flooded

shell; they close
like every marble door

that stands straight between my dreams
and I,

           and you-- I await
you, draped in downpours & monsoon

tempests; maybe, this time, our wildest
winds would fade out in their collision.

Saying what I feel
Ain't no easy feat
Yearning for something that
Isn't what it's meant to be
Lying through my teeth
Over and under again
Vouch for my existence
Even though it's through a pen
Yearn for me
Over many a mile
Unbreak my heart and open a smile.

First he wont stop hurting me
Then they don't believe me
And lie to my face sayin' they do

I know them, I know you!
You just don't wanna let me go
She told me the whole **** thing!
I'm on my last string

Now I walk home, and text
It's from her, my best friend
She texts me sayin' "u ok?"
Then she made an irritated face
Goin: colon, rightslash
She don't know what to believe

They broke my last string
And I was singing
a little Taylor Swift
Then I just sat down on that metal bar, on my home
Three boys 2 or so years older then me
Said "Why you cryin'" and I just hadda show them me
I said they broke my last string!

So I was talkin' to them
They said they'd take care of him
Gave hugs and then stopped cryin'
I thought they we're my friends

After the hugs and after the scarce
I said something and yeah I dared
To say "What the hell do you want"
When his ring tone came on
He was calling me

But he, but she, broke my last string
I called my best friend
She's the only one who believed me at all!
And she tried everything she could to get me to smile
But I cried more and for a while
And nothing could unbreak me
And they broke my last string!

A few years ago I promised my heart that I would protect it.
I promised that I would drape every part of me before it could ever break again.

A few years now my heart looks at me defeated and broken.
Mislead and used by my sweet words and lies of protection

A few years now I can barely make contact with my heart.
I lead it astray and sent it broken promises and made it Pitter patter with such excitement to this overwhelming protection.

A few years now, my heart is no more.
Scattered and battered,
Misused and confused
It dares not to look at me,
I try to comfort her and apologize for the mistake I made
I try to make sense of all the overwhelming desire and force we felt when we saw them.

I tell her that it couldn’t be helped that she basically had us lost in her eyes.

But my heart refuses.
Shouts at how I wasn’t careful and to how I’m the cause of it all.

“You betrayed me”, she whispered.
“I’m in the pits of despair, the colour in me has faded. How much of me did you have to put through this?”
“There is no other half that is missing, there’s a whole of me, there’s a hole in me”

A few years now I’ve broken what was once so beautifully red.

Insecure smiles spread thin.
Their veneer is old.
The cracks are showing.

I look inside each crevice.
Peering deep inside, I see the hurting soul.
Black, cold, straining towards the light.

I move to another wound.
This one cries out.
Aching to be heard.

It tells me to break the shell.
Open the wound.
"Let them see!"

The cry is heard only by me.
The room is filled with hurting hearts.
They drown out the other voices, hearing only their own.

All but me.
I hear.
It takes a mended heart to unbreak another.

the blink that releases the tear that all lovers fight,
the day that all lovers dread,
the words that all lovers despise,
the pain no lover ever wants to feel...

as a lover of all things,
it amazes me how that blink, that day, those words and that pain always finds a way back to me
like a firefly moving hurriedly through the night, I find myself back in this familiar darkness
I find myself alone and afraid, searching for the light, yet again
I find myself hopeful that you will be the one to come and provide that light
I find myself waiting patiently for your return
I find myself hoping endlessly that this is your idea of a cruel joke

The memories, they haunt me
Small moments of what used to be happiness turn into reminders that we are no more
The silence, it eats away at me
Being left alone with my thoughts turns into an earful of tears
The music, it speaks for me
Every song on the radio turns into the soundtrack of my life
The heartbreak, it controls me
Those butterflies that once occupied the pit of my stomach turned into bees that sting with every aching heartbeat

Who says time heals all?
From everything to nothing in the blink of an eye
I don't doubt that it will take an eternity of blinks to fill this void
This emptiness, this loneliness, this sadness...

Falling out of love is far too difficult..
Won't you catch me?
Your hands are the only ones that possess the power to unbreak my heart
From now until you're mine again, no one else will have the opportunity to get close enough to even try

What am I supposed to do with this heart of mine?
It belongs to you...it always has, it always will
This power you have over me...I call it love
I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you forever

One of these days, I'll blink and you'll be back
I'll be awaiting that day just as the moon waits for nightfall
Is that foolish? I don't care
In love and war, everything isn't fair

We have to grow alone in order to grow together
Nothing but sunlight can follow this stormy weather

So until next time my dear lover,
I will never love another...

Ex's & O's
</3

I run with all my might
Can’t put up a fight
Whether I run left or right
I can never find the light
Consistently sprinting into the night

Never gaining ground
Always fallin’ down
I feel like I’m gonna drown
In my own helplessness
Reverse exodus
Is this my personal pestilence?

How did I become so broken?
With all this burning emotion
Broken spirit
Broken heart
Broken person

I need somebody to save me
Pull me from the fire
Wash away my blood
Show me love

But where can I find this someone?

All I desire is healing
Nothing else is even appealing
Here I am kneeling
Begging to be free
Savior, unbreak me.

All Hours of the Night
there's a war going on inside us all
don't get up...
I brought a storm chaser to deter the turbulence
I know the effect of a lightning strike
that's my love smeared everywhere
If I could channel the glow that powers the well
where beautiful grows in the eyes of of a girl
who believes in a boy
that digs her mind more than her behind
til it's pipe time...
between me and the walls
I need a big score
I could double down on the underdog
everyone leans on the longshot
false hope
false God
I bet on love... I always bet on love
there are no shortcuts
you believe in ya boy like smart is ****
I wanna stand
with more than my mishaps in my hand...
an educated man
before your open book
and scale the pages in braille
with my big imagination
what does it say in there
about mind ****** before marriage
I'm not settling on secondhand joy
If I could just channel the glow...
and if I could recall the way to its light source;
love is the one thing
no other divine thing persists without
All Hours of the Night
there's a war going on inside us all
don't mind me...
I sleepwalk  around in my sin
every mortal moment and again
that rust colored stain on the corner
is what's left of my lust;
can't be rinsed away
a trick I should have never entertained
any ****** could tell
it's always love
streaming live in hi-def through your brown eyes
if I could direct the energy
that mains the intensity
it takes to unbreak a guiltless heart
the bass would pulsate like saintly drums;
biblical horn sections
don't get up...
His Majesty will find you
between me you and the walls
I need a big score
more than pipe time most mid-mornings
I could have gone against the odds
if the purse were the purpose
I'm not a gambling man
I'm not afraid of being the favorite
or favoring one thing
love is the one thing
no other divine thing persists without
you are my one thing
All Hours of the Night
our glow powers the well
where beautiful grows in the eyes of a boy
who believes in a girl
more conscious of his brilliance than his abilities
I believe in us. Smart is ****
this book is about you
all verses in cursive and indelible ink
the master key
the last and only link to the hilltop
I bet on love... I always bet on love
your lifeline is the way to its light source
no shortcuts
my world in the palm of your hand
your touch alone
is why I know the effect of a lightning strike...
there's a war going on inside us all
less settling than white noise by now
I've learned to ignore the static

she's not just another pretty face
she's got cuts and scars
but to me she is beautiful in so many ways
i know the song in her heart
she only sings to me ....

can't you see
Can't you see
Oh Cant You See
Can't you see what this love is doing me
Can't you see

if i was gone tomorrow....
would you even care would you even sorrow....
expressed the feelings you bare
if you had the last words to say to this man
what would they be baby
can you tell me why have everything went so crazy
what's the game of life all about
i once heard somebody say
once you're in, you're in, you can't get out
it's on you how you gonna play
it's up to you to choose
roll the dice win or lose
it's the chances that you take
the decisions that you make
you can put on the brake
and play it safe
or just like love put your
heart all in and watch it break
and there you are
back at the beginning of the race

Can't you see
Oh Cant You See
Can't you see what this love is doing me
Can't you see
if i was gone tomorrow....
would you even care would you even sorrow....
expressed the feelings you bare
if you had the last words to say to this man
what would they be baby
can you tell me why have everything went so crazy

just be sincere
and hold me near
whisper in my ear
words I wished to hear
unbreak my heart
take away my tears
Let me know you are really there
It's so hard I swear
all this wear and tear
has smeared
my heart with lies and fear
If I could only reach the stars
fly past the moon, I would give you the sun
just to reach out and touch you
Just let the world around us fall apart
we can make this dream last
baby if we are heart to heart


i know we disagree
but baby please hear me out
I'm missing you
but baby tell me
are you missing me
all these sleepless nights
without you here are tearing me apart
I swear my love to you
this time there's no doubt
that together we can work it out
cant you see what it is you mean to me
my heart bleeds without you in my life its killlin me
Can't you see

Can't you see
Oh Cant You See
Can't you see what this love is doing me
Can't you see
if i was gone tomorrow....
would you even care would you even sorrow....
expressed the feelings you bare
if you had the last words to say to this man
what would they be baby
can you tell me why have everything went so crazy

And into a million pieces her heart is broken
He said all the things that might
Unbreak her fragile heart
But with his hands, the knife has cut her skin
Blood gushes and floods the aisle
To forever, forever was paved by the smell of her blood
He broke her heart; her heart is broken.

The door locks from the inside,
and I don’t have the key.
The flaky paint and crumbling walls,
are falling in on me.

Dark curtains mask the windows,
the light bulbs are all blown.
Forgotten dreams and broken smiles,
and I’m here all alone.

I still hear the distant laughter.
In your life I once took part.
And I can’t let go, and I can’t move on,
And I can’t unbreak my heart.

My sweet sweet girl,
you should know that in this land of tormenting coldness
and mind numbing loneliness
you are my ray of hope.
We all need a source of positivity to draw on
and you are mine.
To laugh out loud for no apparent reason
to get drunk with on a Thursday afternoon
to talk about world politics, boys and the future
you are my partner in crime
the best wing woman
cheerleader
all in one.
Ironic isn't it?
Because I am that to many
and I used to think I was that too.
I guess sometimes even saviours need saving.
I was like you once, many many years ago.
Expecting the best of everything and everyone,
looking at the world through large, bright and sparkly lens of positivity.
I still do.
I still think there's something magical about snow,
stop in my tracks to watch jet paths in the sky,
give the benefit of the doubt to everyone,
and keep searching for Prince Charming.
Only difference is I now identify myself as delusional,
as opposed to optimistic.
The thing is love,
once you find yourself doubled up on the floor,
with every single blood cell infused with *****,
crying out to a God you perhaps no longer believe in,
to just bring you sleep, just this once,
so you can sleep through all this pain and darkness,
there is no turning back.
You can no longer unsee, unhear, undo, unbreak,
change becomes inevitable.
It used to be that if you don't bleed you are not ill,
so no one took us folk seriously when we said it hurts.
So the ******* shrinks drew a list of symptoms,
which did not include big smiles and out going personalities disguising the excruciating burning inside,
so once again no one really believes us when we say it hurts.
Unless we **** ourselves and finally everyone gathers around
with their shocked expressions of disbelief to claim,
'but she looked so happy',
when the first thing we all learnt was how looks could be deceiving.
Everyone looks for love in different places and have different ways of loving.
Specially parents.
You see I thought I broke and hit rock bottom many years ago.
To be honest it wasn't until my mother turned her back on me
that I realized what the definition of broken was.
Parents love their children and God knows mine loves me,
but on nights like this I just want to hear from my mother
that she loves me and believes in me,
but all I remember is the look in her eyes.
It was hatred. It was pure hatred.
Months later after supposedly patching up everything,
that look haunts me,
and breaks me a little bit more every single time.
But I am delusional so I see something profoundly poetic
in my brokenness.
I now truly know what the world holds.
So next time I see someone throwing her head back with a smile little too wide stealing the show,
I'm going to appreciate her effort so much more,
because its not easy to remain delusional.
I hope this world will only bring the very best to you.
I hope you will only know love, acceptance, admiration and success.
As for me,
I hope one day I will be able to stop getting broken,
or in the least get used to the pain.

I loved looking at what the mirror showed
I loved looking at the one you loved...
Now all I see is shattered glass and
and bits of me scattered  all around...

One such shard you embedded in my heart,
that's all I have to call my own.
Alive but dead I seem to all.
Pallbearers waiting to get done with the job.

Nothing to leave 'cause I gave you all,
my heart, my soul, my body, my all.
Selfish they say, look at this ***** factory,
but how can I give what is not mine to give.

You are my person, I've ceased to be.
You are my vision, I've ceased to see.
You are the silence, I've ceased to write.
You are everything I need and all I don't.

This parting gift , my heart holds dear,
saved for another heart to unbreak.
The glass shard mine to give,
take it now, before they throw it away.

I cannot call back the broken bough
The rusted metal twisted wreckage
The torn sails flapping awkwardly
In the summer sea breeze

No body but nobody is left

Splintered wood
Water rising
Sea splashing
With such an ancient mariner’s passion

The boat will not unbreak
I cannot unmake time
See her maiden glory
See her masts a rising
Vanishing on the horizon
Cannons firing

The vessel is broken
The soul of the ship is devastated
Materials wasted

All hands lost to the brine
And no one but me
Who dreams such dark dreams
Will ever know the truth
About that broken boat

maybe it's the way i was raised
or maybe it's my cancer rising
but i only ever feed myself well when i am feeding someone else.
i mean,
my love language is soup.
which is why my whole house smells like curry, garlic, and ginger,
why over the course of a couple of days i spent twelve of the hours i had meant to spend sleeping
pressing blocks of tofu,
individually sauteing seven different types of vegetables in fresh herbs and aromatics,
and really testing the capacity of my roommate's food processor.

I don't remember when I first started believing that everything that feels good is either dangerous or morally wrong, or, most likely, both, but I imagine it started with the church.

I don't remember when I first started believing that love looked less like a fairytale and more like my best friend falling asleep in my sweater with her head on my shoulder, so close I could smell my shampoo in her hair, but I imagine it started with her.

I once spent six months eating cold unseasoned green beans out of a can for almost every meal because suffering for suffering's sake feels righteous when you believe that you deserve it. I once spent ten years pretending not to be a **** for essentially the same reason.


And lord, am I ever. A ****, I mean. A big, masculine ****,
Like,
I have always been more king Kong than Fay wray.
Like,
I have always been taught to be afraid of what my hands can do.
I remember big fat ***** depicted as monstrous,
Only able to destroy,
And I wonder if that's why there are so many of us who make things.


i keep a knife in my pocket most of the time because i have been backed into enough corners to be cautious,
but mostly,
i use it for fixing things and cutting fruit.
danger is contagious and i do what i can to stop it from making me dangerous,
I do not want to be a frightened and frightening thing.
but one time a woman i really liked tried to wake me from a nightmare,
and with ghosts still circling my head
Before I was awake or aware,
i punched her in the face.
When I opened my eyes, there was fear in hers and blood pouring from her nose and no amount of apologizing could unbreak what I had broken.
she kissed me and told me she still trusted me and it made me remember all the ****** noses that i had once forgiven with similar ease.
So i told her i was thinking of moving to oregon and that work was getting busy and that i would wash and return her tupperware before she left in case it was a while before i could see her again.
i hugged her at her car
and she held me for too long
like she didn't even notice all the sharp things where my skin was meant to be.
i spent the next six months
bleeding venom and avoiding handshakes.

And I don't mean to say that I am violent,
Because I am not,
I do not yell
Or degrade
Or intimidate,
I never sleep punched anyone else before or since,
I would never hit a friend or a lover while awake. I only wear spikes to make people think before they touch me, I am all flight or freeze. But violence is not the only way to hurt someone you love. Shutting down or running away can break a heart too and blood all looks the same when it's drying on your hands no matter where it comes from. So now I try to protect the people I love from everything dangerous, including getting too close to me.


i keep a knife in my pocket most of the time,
but on days when my body remembers in the present tense,
i take a knife from the kitchen block instead.
i cut up limes and sweet potatoes,
drown out the sirens in my head
with bubbling water and simmering oil.

i'm still learning what love looks like,
and i am so tired of breaking,
and maybe this is why every time i see someone beautiful i fantasize about building them a house,
maybe this is why i make soup.

i am only easy to love
on the days when love is not a life raft.
i have never been afraid of fire
but i am frozen earth
full of ancient seeds,
already there are new green things pushing up through cracks in me
and i worry that if the ground were to thaw,
softer things might take root,
and i am afraid that anything delicate might not survive in me.

It's not that I am wholly unable to love recklessly,
I run whole body into the ocean every time i see her,
emerge breathless and invisible and singing praises to nobody at all but the stars.
The last time I wanted to die, I took an overnight bus to the ocean. I held my breath and dipped my whole body beneath the surface of the sea,
tried to practice drowning but instead,
by mistake,
fell in love all over again with the waves and the moon and the stars,
All the beautiful things too big and too powerful for me to hurt accidentally.
I am a soft foolish thing,
All alive and longing.
I have loved fully
What I always knew I could not hold,
My tiny heart so full of moon and sea
And every mountain
That every place is now both a home
And not.

I am not as afraid as I used to be,
I have done a lot of therapy,
And maybe one day I will sleep next to somebody breakable without feeling guilty.
And I think maybe one day,
I will trust myself enough to love the softest things that love me in the fearless way I love the ocean.
And I don't know when that day will be,
Or whether you will stick around long enough to find out,
but i do know that i want you always to be warm and full of good things,
so in the meantime,
If you want it,
I made you some soup.