Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Chloe London Jun 2013
Chloe - 15 years of age
It all started when I knew I was eating too much 
I was getting heavier
I started to get closer to the 9st mark
I now have to buy size 12 jeans... 
fasting alone just wasn't working
It just wasn't enough 
So I gave in
And I ate
I ate loads 
I was beginning to binge..
Then after I'd stuffed myself with so much food 
I'd go into the bathroom 
I'd get a glass of water ready 
And grab hold of my toothbrush 
I'd begin to rub it onto the back of my throat
Before quickly bringing up all of my food
All of those calories pouring out of my body
Drinking glasses upon glasses of water
Then sharply stopping due to lack of breath
I stand there panting 
It felt amazing
I'm getting thinner 

I told my boyfriend
He didn't understand at first
But now he does
Now he knows that if I could stop I would
He knows that if I could physically stomach any solids
Or even liquids other that water that slide down my throat,
I would.
But now It's happening
And I can't help it
I can't change it
I have a disorder.
It's killing me
It's eating me away...

But I worship models
I worship fasting
I worship the feeling that I get when I throw it all up
But most of all,
I idolise Thinspo
Silver Lining May 2014
Bulimia is a scary thing.
That is a fact.
She'll cradle and choke you.
But she'll get rid of the fat.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
But this is for sure-
The burning in your throat and mouth
Will not be the only sore.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
Late at night when you're alone
She'll be with you
Kneeling at the porcelain thrown.

Bulimia is a scary thing.
Because very soon
She'll have you dreaming
Of being a thinspo.
No, I am not bulimic. Although I know people who are, so this is for them.
Nina JC Dec 2013
You say, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”
but I say surely something

must taste nicer than the burning acid
being forced back up your throat.

Why not hug people instead of
toilet bowls? At least they’ll hug back.

Except Mia is your only friend now.
And her cousin, Ana, of course.

And I understand that you never
wanted to die, but this is a thousand ton truck

hurtling towards the edge of a cliff and
Ana took the wheel a long time ago.

There is no strength in this: in you, in a
fear of calories. Even your bones creak

as your muscles sigh with exhaustion -
for this, is not a war you're winning.

This is a battle with only one contender
and I will not be the one to disarm you.

That's your job and it always has been. I know
you only wanted to be beautiful

like all those stars in the magazines
you saved under a file titled ‘thinspo’

but the only stars you ever saw were in
your eyes from the dizziness

and to tell you the truth, you are not pretty.
For there is nothing “pretty”

about the layer of fuzz your body grew
to protect itself from the big bad wolf

when really, the only growl was coming
from inside your stomach.

Or how your little sister is afraid to touch,
let alone hug you, in fear of snapping you in two.

For there is no glamour in having to
remove clumps of hair out of the plughole

at least six times whilst having a shower,
just to let the water run down.

Or that one time you "accidentally”
took too many laxatives. Messy.

There is nothing admirable about the way
you sat shivering on your bed

at night instead of kissing boys,
or dancing, or eating ice cream.

There is nothing to be marvelled at
in dying.

This, is not a life to be lived.
God, this isn't even a life.

This is being a slave to your own body,

a walking zombie, a ghost stuck
between two sides.

You are not alive.

But it was all still worth it, right?
Slowly killing yourself from the inside out.

A small price to pay for perfection,
a bargain for a broken mirror;

for a half-written book
with 97 blank pages,

a camera
that only captures in black and white,

a clock
with frozen hands.

And most importantly, for a peace of mind
you never received.

No refunds.
Listen to the performed version here: http://www.soundcloud.com/natalieaiken/the-nina-jcs-poem-brought-to
Caosín Jan 2023
My sick twisted gaze
On the women and the men
Thigh gaps, finger bones, ribs.
Thinspo: short for thinspiration. Inspiration to be thinner, photos of thin people in poses which enhances their thinness.
"Everyone wants to be a little anorexic" she says

"You know, like, in a glamorous way, like fashion friendly anorexic"

I bite my cheek and nod, pretend to agree

All I can think of is waking up to stars dancing on the ceiling

Pale skin with bruises of unknown origins

And battered feet on and off the scale

Almonds in Ziploc baggies

Bite marks on fingers

Hair down the drain

Measuring crunches by the marks they leave on your spine

And battered feet on and off the scale

Enough water to turn organs into boats

Eating an apple with a fork and knife

Desperate hands grasping for ribs

And battered feet on and off the scale

Standing and the world going dark

Coughing around shots of apple cider vinegar

Carrying an emergency rice cake for weak spells

And battered feet on and off the scale

Enough green tea to drown organs

Sugar free gum to mask the smell of decaying organs

Whatever nail polish covers yellow and purple

And battered feet on and off the scale

How many calories are in toothpaste

Thinspo blogs

Pillows squeezed between thighs

And battered feet on and off the scale

Is today the day my heart gives out

Waking every day in a new body

Fingers clasped around wrists

And battered feet on and off the scale

Notebooks filled with numbers

Purple crescents under eyes

Fingers clasped around forearms

And battered feet on and off the scale

Elbows knocking into hipbones

Being scared of your own reflection

Lies to get out of dinner

And battered feet on and off the scale

The stench of *****

Oxygen that tastes of Splenda

Fingers clasped around biceps

And bleeding feet on and off the scale

 

If this is your idea of glamour

Then you can have it
Trigger Warning
Jane Bell Dec 2015
"What a ****
You're a waste of space
Selfish brat
No one will ever like you
Ugly ******"

Words escalated after I said
"I'm a bit cold"
in 30 degree weather
Wearing a thin long sleeve..
Words from my own mother

I would like for her to repeat those phrases after she's
seen me throwing up every "snack" I've eaten in 3 days

Have her watch me cry and shake in the bathtub while slitting my wrists because a blade hurts way less than her words

Have her watch me spend hours looking at thinspo and
"how to be perfect" websites for self expectance because she's torn me down too far

I want her to watch me talk to the people at school because she sees me as the hammer I smash my ribs against with; but truly, I am gentle

I am petrified to raise my hand in class because I am so scared to mess myself up... Mommy said it was wrong to mistake.
I will cry in a bathroom stall for hours if a girl DARE tell me she thinks she doesn't look good enough for the world today because that's how I feel with reminders every hour
But,
Maybe I am selfish
Selfish to keep myself away from human engagements for so long
But mommy says it's for the better
Better if I stay away

The words I've learned to trust so much
It's the words that stab me over and over
Those words are the reason I cannot accept a compliment or state my thoughts aloud

Feeling far worse than suicide.
Self harming
Burning
Carving
Words hurt more
Her words hurt most

And now mommy might know
Why there is a tear stained note waiting for her in her bedroom tonight
And she might feel just a bit of pain
As I did everyday

Goodbye mom, I thought I loved you.
All I said was "I'm a bit cold." And she went on for 30 minutes in a restaurant telling me how useless I am. I'm suicidal enough, funny to know she would not care.
Crystal Harmony Mar 2017
i am cold in a winter that isn't
so much like winter

i am frozen in the idea of magazines
thinspo
and whatever the opposite of that is

it is still encouraging

i want a ballerina body
i want to surround myself in water and green tea
avocados

i want to be bendy
well, bendier
i want collar bones to push out
ribcage to jut out
thin arms
thin waist

i am tired of stretchmarks and sadness
sometimes i struggle
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
There are pieces of writing out in the world
That say that you should start starving yourself
Or you should start working hard
To hate your "fat" body, by everyone else's definition.
I've read these types of inspirational pieces.
They make me want to stop eating
And they make me want to purge
And they make me hate my body like I always have.
They say that day one, this won't be a battle.
I will be skinny and beautiful and gloriously...
Bony, emaciated, hungry, angry, lonely, cold...
But pretty.
"Day one starts today" they say.
"Imagine day 30, when all the boys whistle.
Day 52 of people asking if you lost weight
Day 69 of being someone else thinspo
Day 100 of being gorgeous."
I've never wanted to be skinny.
At one point, I wanted to starve and
Be just like that,
But I came to the point where I decided
I was sad enough without another disease
On my stomach and in my head.
There are too many scars on my body
And I've tried so hard to stop
Putting more on my skin bag,
But I find it hard, so I turn to these
Pro-eating disorder inspirational pieces.
And I change the words.

Day one starts today.
Imagine day 10 and not breaking
Even though you really want to.
Imagine day 21 when you reach
Six months with that special girl
And you are still clean.
Imagine day 30 when you can tell
Her that you are a month clean again.
Imagine day 43 of smooth skin.
Imagine day 100 of smiling
Because you aren't killing yourself.
Imagine day 331 and reaching
The two year mark from when
You started and now you are done
With all of the torture.
Imagine day 365
When you can look in
The mirror and say,
"I made it a year."
Imagine day 730
When you can say,
"I made it two years."
Imagine your wedding day
When you can say,
"I made it out and I wouldn't
Be who I am
With out you."

Remember, Jess:
You. Are. Worth. Fighting. For.
jinx Aug 2019
***** inspo and thinspo
and online shopping
***** book clubs
and parties
cleaning and mopping
***** whining
and dining
lying and stalking
***** radio hosts
and all their
nonstop talking
***** everything
that ever made me sad
when i’m starving so much
that i think ive gone mad
start a fight cause i’m hungry
it’ll end when i’m not
ask- is this life worth living?
cause it’s all that i got
Lucy May 2020
Black coffee.
Black coffee with 0 calorie sweetener.
Green tea.
Naked rice.
Yes, naked.
Or in other words deprived of every bit of nutrients.
Pepsi Max.
Pepsi Max cherry.
Chemicals. But not calories.
Heaven forbid you'd drink calories!
Soup.
Spring Vegetable Soup.
But not vegetable soup.
Not tomato soup.
They're 50 calories more at least!
ONLY spring vegetable soup.
Apple.
Only one.
That's a whole meal.
10,000 steps.
At least 10,000 steps.
What are you, lazy?
If you're not walking every second of the day then you must be.
Size 0.
Even if you're not
Buy all clothes in size 0.
You can't wear pretty clothes until you've lost that weight.
Lies.
No, you can't be honest.
How attention-seeking can you get!
Tumblr.
Tumblr is the Bible.
But only the thinspo community.
The rest is irrelevant.
If you ignore all my advice and eat
make sure you do it slowly.
One small bite every 5 minutes.
And don't you dare distract yourself while eating
I'm not going to let you for another 24 hours so you'd better savour every moment.
Craving more food?
Drink some water and get a grip.
Thinking about giving up?
Watch me make you feel the worst you've ever felt.
Try me.
Envelopes.
Sellotape them.
You never know how many calories are in the seal.
Don't. Trust. Anything.
The package says that 100g of grapes is 70 calories?
Call it 400 just to be safe.
You read an article about the dangers of restriction?
Don't believe everything you read.
Believe me.
I'm your best friend.

— The End —