Goodmorning death, I know you watch me as I sleep creeping ever closer from faults of my own. For most people you're scary but you just dont scare me anymore, maybe that's because you've never allowed me to be hurt, you've just taken away the ones who couldnt bear the pain anymore...
I woke up this morning and daydreamed about you, but in my dreams you're nothing like everyone pictures you, beautiful and glowing with calming yellow light surrounding, something told me I would never see your face until the day I do not wake but something else keeps telling me that day is not too far now...
You see: yesterday night I downed some pills and went for a run just to see what would happen, nothing, while my love was high as a kite I felt nothing and was craving the cold metal against my skin again, I talked with my best friend who I love like a sister and in the beginning I'd planned that to be the last time and it didnt hurt anymore, I told her more of my story and more of my dreams, and had to walk back to my steps to see my him fast asleep and had to put my love in the house because even as a grown man hes not strong enough to control himself half as well as me, so I told my sister (best friend) I'd be back, at this point I couldnt lie to her, shed allready woken up her parent and told me to come over when I hadn't been over in months because of this **** virus, I muted her and in the silence of the dark early morning I carved my thighs, wrist, and stomach and watched as the blood trickled down until the voice that echoes in my head told me that it was enough and I felt a wave of calm... after I got back yesterday, away from my sister and her family I just slept, I'd wake up and movement was too painful so I slept... I wake up this morning next to the man I call love and saw his sleeping face and he'll never know how I stroked his beard as I cried, because now, I'm sitting on the edge of a tub, with tears streaming my face because I dont wanna die but death seems so inviting, and i dont wanna live because life seems so terrifying.
I'm wrighting this because I'm not sure if it'll be the last thing I Wright, I doubt it, I mean, even when people notice when I'm messed up all I can say is "dont worry, I'll get through it, I allways do right?" But after watching people you love die, losing countless homes, being ***** by an unbelievable number of men, going through years of physical and then mental abuse,and knowing I drive everyone I love away because of my illnesses... I'm scared that I'll have to leave everyone I love behind, because that's the only reason I try anymore, I keep hearing people telling me to live for me but no one seems to understand how hard that can be when the only person/thing you dont care about is yourself...
I doubt anyone will read all of this, but just know that if you do, and this is my last wrighting, I want you to do this for me: LIVE.
To those being touched against your will, even if you aren't PHSYCALLY fighting back: That man/woman who touches you that terrifys you, **** telling family, **** telling friend, call 911 and tell them you're scared, I guarantee they'll protect you.
To those stuck in abusive family's: I know you love them sweetie but sometimes loving someone isnt allways enough to make them change, talk to another relative youd be comfortable staying with or take it directly to the police, it's not worth it to stay until you're 18 just to make them happy .
To those going through dealing with a friend/family member dying: I know it hurts baby but you're strong and you can do this, live for them and strive to keep their memory alive, and for those of you who feel as if they should feel something but dont (in relation to close people to you dying) dont feel guilty, everyone copes with things differently, but when you eventually have that moment of grief, dont hold onto it, breathe through it, scream, cry, just let it out, let it move through you and move on with your life.
To those of you with mental illness effecting your life in drastic ways or that just need someone to talk to: you can do it. I usually dont do this but theres going to be a user name for an Instagram account in the notes of this poem, that will be set up today, you're never alone, I promise. This will be a safe place for everyone who needs it, and it wont just be me replying, all the time, if youd rather talk to a female say so, if youd rather talk to a Male, say so, no matter what we will be here to help in any way we can, even if that is just being a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.
No matter what happens to me, this page will remain up. There will allways be SOMEONE here for you, were not therapists, were not doctors, were just people like you who at some point wished we had someone who would listen and lift our spirits.
I know I dont know you, but I'm here for you. Now and forever, all you have to do is reach out.
Love you guys! Till we meet in this world or the next, or connect through wrighting.
