I believe I'm a fool,
storing my past in my future.
Old wounds reopen,
each amd everytime I sutured.
Emotions are erratic,
my stand fickle.
One moment I'm ecstatic,
the very next I'm embittered.
Its like wishing for rain
while standing in the desert,
compassion in others as dry
as this scorching weather.
Trust is a deadly thing,
especially when misplaced.
An error in judgement can scar you for life.
An eternity of doubt, a never ending phase.
I can't say you didnt see it coming,
Refecting back, I think I knew.
But a child's mind is fascinating.
How it tricks you into a fantasy, no one has a clue.
Circumstances change, life goes on.
And with time comes wisdom;
realisation dawns.
Little pieces of you are gone.
First you blame yourself,
I know now that that's normal.
At an age already confusing,
you deal with all this horror.
Then the horror gets a hold of you,
you slip into denial.
The farce you lead becomes your reality
with the truth distanced, you now smile.
Before you know it
its all surpressed deep down.
Unconsciously you're burying it.
Youre not ready to deal with this right now.
How long you keep up With the charade,
I truly believe isn't your choice at all.
But once it comes crashing down,
The barrier, now has nothing to but fall.
All the emotions come rushing back.
How are you expected to cope?
Years and years of suffering;
you desperately search for hope.
You stay quiet.
Maybe for peace? Maybe to forget?
But deep down you know,
only letting it out will help.
You shut out all those memories;
You shut out all that pain.
All your attempts to tell someone
keep going in vain.
But it happens. How and when is irrelvant. This is a turning point.
Once you've said it,
the dominoes start to fall.
There's no taking it back.
The total picture you can now recall.
It breaks your heart,
to see your loved ones cry.
Blaming themselves, just as you did once.
The regret evident in their eyes.
Time heals everything.
Why waste time looking behind.
Im stronger for it, if anything.
My life doesnt need a rewind.
Sure,
Now trust doesn't come easily.
In others I cant confide.
I make attempts feebly,
no one seems to realise.
Closure doesn't seem like a real option.
I might always be repelled by touch.
Emotional or physical,
love has never appealed to me as such.
There are no saviours passing by,
you should brave the storm alone.
I see no heroes in the sky,
be the fire, ignite your own bones.
POST SCRIPT: The piece owes some of its ill written nature to some crippling emotion. I dont presume to explain or understand why people do the horrendous inhuman things that they do, and hence I dont make any attempts to question it here. This is me putting into overly simplified words something that has been and will continue to be a huge influencing experience in my life. Maybe this is me yet again looking for silver linings but I wholeheartedly believe that its not necessarily a negative influence. If youre reading this and you feel like you can relate, know this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
