~
Gumby, Wood Woodpecker and Me
~


somewhere in the mother lode
of a thousand poems scripted,
lies a pen-pained tribulation, an old ode,
to the taming of the shrew,
the shock and awe of my new born,
slept-on hair mode

Ogdiddy,
she says,
rise up quick!
thy self to the mirror dispatch,
see what god hath wrought
upon thy head this brand new morn

blessed am I,
at this late stage,
in posses of a
goodly and shocking amount
of hair au naturel

each of my body's parts has a mind of its own,
my hairs, each one a different opinion and resultantly
an amazing new creation born come dawn

sometimes straight up like Gumby
she quips,
sometimes a shocking tail to one side
in the style of one Woody Woodpecker,
she mockingly cries!

and on and on each daily
a new cartoon characterization proposition,
until one day in feigned wrath I do reply

*just you wait Mrs. Higgins, just you wait,
you will rue the day my do
will be best described and descried by you
as akin to that of one known as
SpongeBob SquarePants

FROM WHITE HOUSE

I ham aghast at increasing banality, deviltry, ferocity,

   imbecility, liability, obscenity, rapacity, ugly

   offal popularity witnessed by Donald trump

hence aye aerate thoughts,

   how *** a nine his banal, demoniacal,

   egomaniacal, fanatical, guttural, and hurtful


   culling frightening insight, where portentous more deadly than

   sport ugh guise Man 'o War debacle

   doth crowdsource, flickr, and indeed long foster

   my plenti full over active imagination


   to induce writhing expressions of fearfulness

   proportionate burst of haughtiness) while he doth stump

would animate mine rear i.e. rather noxious flatulence

   expelled from outward doppelganger of ****

pull stilts skin cuz this chap haint Noah fan, but wood vouchsafe

   tub be a jimmy neutron n sponge bob squarepants


   Ark n saw wing enemy against da dull don dat pumps

swaggering bravado with fist swelling ego

  analogous to his body infected with severe case of mumps

that brazen denizen hurling and spewing volcanic fiery spittle


   with incense against others – to him mere lumps

of protoplasm heckled as inferior to himself

  boasts as proof of favoritism, that enervating, fawning,

   gabbling feverish arrogant mania for him jumps

higher than expected,


   while he commits faux paws which bumps

his ratings higher, he gleefully endorses

  pandemonium toward gloating gump

  shun from the uproarious. querulous

  and populous madding crowd!


throughout launch of his campaign,

  banally, devilishly, and fiendishly

   character assassinating those opposed to his views -

inducing me to harrumph and dump faith

   in humanity, wondering what ruse

smart democratic pol mongers can conjure up


  while pacing in soft shoes  

woeful sentiments sans his attempt did render

  competitors to drop out in ones n twos

whom he purportedly considers apostates,

   and heathens cons heed Make America Great use

all manner of bullying (determination whose occipital pupils

coalescing into searing grape nut size wrath poisonous daggers)

   forcibly silencing any jeers

when necessary plagiarizing neo **** play book with a "who cares"


attitude closing in on pinteresting

  for United Stated chess board foursquare,

which deliberate intent to foment n wrought prostrate -

music to those hoteliers billion dollar ears


   sans defeated apprenticing contestants hearing sobbing tears

with vitriolic violent bilious inducing jabs of his a will full spears

   reputations of personalities (men and women politicians

  his especial flavor of scathing, scandalous, scabrous sordidness


   spewed squeamishly to grab by the figurative crotch

   the hello kitty 2016 presidential election),

   whether liberal, conservative, heterosexual or queers

thus this middle-aged mwm abject psychic fractal shears!


the following poetic addendum composed way buff fore

(in my mind) atrocious, cretaceous, enormous, ferocious,

garrulous, hellacious, indecorous, malicious nemesis,

pernicious, querulous, rapacious, specious, tedious,

unrighteous, vicious, dangerous demon

must BE STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS ASAP!


DONALD TRUMP – RE: DUCKS --

this portion dashed off (while dry ving an open white hearse slay

so many months back before sale him slotted the most coveted

Casino biggest win - before the political imbroglio

   much more upsetting than today


Axe the old don

A trump peter n piper of incredulous hellish crud - be gone

With the ha air brushed pompous ****

  so Macy jackal hound doth run

After public outcry yelps for his hide and proletarian discord won!


Donald Duck Trump ™$ - a pompous ***

makes war with his big brass

knuckles and bucket of crass

maligns vis a vis character assassination with bro kin glass

inciting banal deathly hallowed expletives toward lass

sees – especially Fox Television

   news anchor woman Megyn Kelly


   inducing said personality to bear grizzly brunt of brutish mass

of vitriolic n vile insults from incriminating verbal pass  

   so…ex post facto viz mine NO VOTE from me

   thus this digital screed to disallow him

   to accept the oath of office, cuz he will hurrahs  

   from such a snooty arrogant simian with sass!


I van a try to describe while sitting on me ****

How he oh bomb in lee rages with gnashing teeth

  while back a slump

Blasting Democratic nomination as a sham –

  From special interest bro and sis turn pump


He, the epitomy of crass bloviation, a malignant lump

Whose rants sans presidential sham rocked outcome

   lets him trounce, pounce, denounce

   liberal Democratic stalwart efforts bolstering middle class

   to blitz total mortal kombat like a rabid red bull

   in a China shop with his millions beds this,


  That and another woman to ******* jump

Disseminating gene pool – Obama null lee birthing

   more quackery and additionally doth ****

The mass media as some foolhardy charade


   characterizes abominable (MORE FRIGHTFUL THAN YETI):

   culpable, deplorable, execrable,

   et cetera of a frazzled grump, This arboreal clothed ape

   Erecting Taj Mahal ******* symbol where players dump

And gamble away hard earn cash


   For his hello kitty, as if cachet to grind and bump

Lambasting with that maniacal leering pout

   while hair *** runs rampant with red bulls

   In a China shop atop his bulbous

   aerosol sprayed heady measly shaped


  ulterior motive aimed his sights to become Pastor of Muppets

  Dis eased cranial hologram

   Of cretaceous, facetious and insidious mump!


By: Baron von Ivan Mal N. Ya.

studious skinny scruffy scribe

Scathing, scolding, screaming,
scorning, searing, sniggering,
sociopathic sarin soaked skewed
squirt, sputtering, squawking, sleepily
staggering, stabbing, swaggering
sweltering sadistic, sarcastic,

savage, systemically systematically
stigmatized, supersized saber sharp
schick shaving, shunned, sabotaged,
scarred, scorched, smote, sanguine,
stippled, speckled schizophrenic
sensibility, spurring, seething,

somewhat stultified, sophisticated,
spellbound spirited scabrous
schlemiel schlemazel, stenciled,
sundered sniveling sanguine storied
snakebitten sojourning *******,
skeptical shoddy sophomoric

screwball, subtly sagacious,
stunted, sclerotic, scrappily
shuffling short, Shylock
styled sideburns Semite,
sainted Shasta sipping
shriveled sad sack,

sullenly syncopated, synthesized,
slobbering sybaritic, scruffy
sheepish sketchy scalawag,
Socratically scrutinizing, seizure
stricken, stoically sneezing,
shamed Skidrow skeezer, shifty,

sweaty, sham shaman,
supremely spidery, schmaltzy,
sylan seeking subsidized succor,
self shuttered, sequestered,
sidelined, shiftless, shabby,
semantically snazzy, soldiering,

shrieking, skulking, somber,
stooping, Segway scootering,
schmart spendthrift, Swahili
speaking, straitlaced, streamlined,
spongebobbing, sandal shod
sealegs, squarepants sporting

spectacles, sedate, sensate,
sentient, ship shaped,
shanghaied, salubrious,
slithering, snakish, stuttering,
sluggish, smashface scarred,
sober, solitary, sangfroid

skidamarink singing, Shamokin
speaking scrivener, scuzzy,
spunky, starved, submissively
suicidal, sunburned,
salaried shuffling senescent
snoutish soundcloud shutterflying
snapchatting schnorrer.

(aunt that title niece – ???
in this context pronounced nice)

Well...hm...I really did not wanna
     let the cat out of the bag,
     and souffle, parfeit, forfeit, et cetera face
     book (waving) applause,
no...no...no...,not
     so mooch the fear of a
     dramatic plummet in popularity
     boot rather because

grabbing a tiger by the tail,
     where sharp razor like claws
will disable me to write
     any deplorable contrite ****** clause,
(certainly comes across as more
     dramatic and draws
immediate attention
     versus describing carefully

     reaching into a sack dangling
     feline treat in hand), where faux pas...
hens, this chap did not
     wanna play chicken,
     thus generally he opts
     tabby Tommie (chivalrously ****
sure gunning and figuratively
     ****** hill whipping sluggishly)

     if need be resorting
     to being the dock
tour Frankenstein of hyperbole creating
     an outrageously monstrously
     "FAKE" er...ad hoc
and let the poetic shenanigans rip
     riding on Lone Ranger as ****
key guiding a pretend winged Pegasus

     shouting "Hi-**, Silver" until...lock
jaw sets in forcing me to transition
     into emulation mock
apple pie de core'm
     imaginatively strutting pompously
     with fanfare and a shock
absorber of motley crue depeche mode
     with vanilla ice...SCREAM,
    
     (oh my dog)
     a HUMUNGOUS MOLTEN rock
iz gonna knock me
     upside the head
     (as if any body would notice)
      any difference in ma schlock
key, schmaltzy, and
     scholarly (ha) zany appeal

(yeah..yeah...yeah...
     wishful thinking) doth congeal
well...essentially aye may feel
absolutely awful (methinks I contracted
     gnome mo' money
     knee feverish blues)
actually, ah haint goot any
     handy dandy spongebob

     squarepants squidward clues
how ma zanily uncanny,
     and quirky brain flues
spew out such...
     gibberish, which attempts
     to be ja panned off as
     highly lauded literary endeavor
twitchy versatile rhyme

     without a reason open
     to interpretations, sans
     many words for snow or igloos
Eskimos own (well...mebbe not of late,
     what with global warming),

     ah cold old news
as opposed to deciphering
     these enigmatic wordy rues
a signature trademark of
      my swiftly styled
     harried tailored alphabetic schmooze!

FROM BIKINI BOTTOM TIMES...

...Spongebob Squarepants...what...atoll...?
plunged into where,...no way...toilet bowl...
supposedly, when the ghostly hand ex-toll
ling praise from his late creator, and master

meow mind of popular Stephen Hillenburg
cast said main character in clean new role,
an unexpected greasy, grimy, grisly, grouchy,
grungy gruff peagreen ******* ***** troll

snatched the unsuspecting
cheerful happy go lucky
animated fellow, who lives
in a pineapple under sea

(at 124 Conch Street) quite
self absorbed with Gary
his pet snail (not answering
questions at this time), we

understand emotional devastation,...
and possibly got flushed....sniffling
and sobbing heard...discontinuation,
this could wreak something
offal to all those avid landlubber

fans (many grownups) cling
to cautious optimism, but accept
vigilant prayers believing
quirk of fate could turn tide
of events & cannot dismiss linking

Russian collusion with attendant
rogues gallery, nor abandoning
any in house political conspiracy,
where top Navy brass calling
attention to an uncommonly

unusual migrant barnacles casing
with doddering fogey "Watergate
Plumbers" in tow absconding
before they could be apprehended
(hmm... something seems fishy)

haint no logical explanation, why
anyone would seek squeeze zing
the porous life out of such a
lovable...how unsinkable... accosting
...argh das **** and span hubble...

such a congenial, gentle, likable...
made himself come to life, (and
make believe to fans) achieving
he really existed, when birthed
from figment of imagination aching

tub be accepted and loved (by other
than Mister Rogers) acquiring
water world renown purportedly
slated to receive Krusty Krab shape
formica plaque engraved with his

name inlaid with finest enameling,
meanwhile...stay tuned at amazing
undrying resiliency as saturated media
updates how beloved soaking  
hero does wetter adversity!

Nonetheless suicidal ideations severely
whipsaw punctuate, lacerate, assassinate
frescoed fiasco failure grimly livingsocial
ah...that dull cutlery eyed with temptation
one painful ****** hemorrhaging, whereby
carpeting permanently stained blood red,

(security deposit forsaken) cremation ought
not outrageously expensive, I subsequently
chickened out imposing eternity of fire and
brimstone self condemnation, denunciation,
excoriation gently tested as serrated knife
made contact against flesh of left arm..., no

strength prevails this Father's Day 2019
beset with gravity of black hole son wracked
fiasco frescoed across psyche adrip with
bajillion pearl jammed tears aghast at blank
tabula rasa with few hashtag marks evincing
feeble effort contrasted with abundant

adventure awaiting eldest daughter agog
at countless opportunities availed since...
her birth, when she exhibited above
average intelligence made bee line high
school International Baccalaureate program
(at Lower Merion) testament, asper flying

colors one keystone linkedin destiny toward
eventual linchpin, viz IVY League University
(handsome financial aid package allotted),
plus exemplary academic job well done, now
finds blessed progeny enroute to west coast
(sharing pricey apartment with emma man hint

beau), whereat this papa overjoyed at bountiful,
delightful, faithful indomitable laudable
achievement starkly aware how bleak and
forlorn hogtied hobbled horrid mine existence
never knowing "seat of spongebob squarepants"
experience analogous to rite of passage gaining

positive result regarding electric kool aid battery
operated litmus test forging steely mettle
comprising organic entity NON GMO, nor gluten
free genetic gifted body, mind, and spirit attaining
inherent maximization allowing, enabling and

providing decades to acquire financial means
to enjoy relative versus countless squandered
prospects yours truly (me) neglected to cultivate
leaving barren an existence not worth trumpeting!

While figuratively (yet electronically) rifling thru bajillion documents, I came across one written four plus years ago and slightly modified today January ninth two thousand and twenty one at approximately 9:42 PM, when Hillary Clinton Democratic contestant chose Tim Kaine of Virginia as her running mate and former forty second first lady got thoroughly thrashed during debates with he who must NOT be named.

Little did yours truly (me) intimate what horrific state of affairs the forty fifth president would wreak (his latest gig desecrating sacred government enclaves housed within Capitol Hill), although keen political prognosticators foresaw calamity plain as day. If only said metaphorical crystal ball gazers ominous premonition heeded and/or brave soul(s) with chutzpah (think yours truly) raised a ruckus to oust the newly anointed commander in chief.

Hindsight always 20/20!

Egg gads, I ham aghast,
(and turning green with disgust)
at increasing popularity
witnessed by Donald Trump,
hence aye aerate thoughts,
how *** a nine his banal, demoniacal,
egomaniacal, fanatical, guttural, and hurtful
culling frightening insight, where
portentous Portuguese Man 'o War debacle
doth crowdsource, Flickr, Snapchat,
Twitter and indeed long foster
my plenti full overactive imagination

to induce writhing expressions of fearfulness
proportionate burst of haughtiness)
while he doth stump
would animate mine rear
i.e. rather noxious flatulence
expelled from outward doppelganger of ****
pull stilts skin cuz this chap haint Noah fan,
but wood vouchsafe
tub be a Jimmy Neutron
n Spongebob Squarepants
Ark n saw wing enemy against
da dull don dat does pumps

swaggering bravado with fist swelling ego
analogous to his body infected
with severe case of mumps
that brazen denizen hurling
and spewing volcanic fiery spittle
with incense against others –
to him mere lumps
of protoplasm heckled as inferior to himself
boasts as proof of favoritism,

that enervating, fawning,
gabbling feverish arrogant mania for him jumps
higher than expected,
while he commits faux paws which bumps
his ratings higher, he gleefully endorses
pandemonium toward gloating gumps
shun from the uproarious querulous
and populous madding crowd
regarding return of native son.

Throughout launch of his campaign,
banally, devilishly, and fiendishly
character assassinating those opposed to his views -
inducing me to harrumph and dump faith
in humanity, wondering what ruse
smart democratic pol mongers can conjure up

while pacing in soft shoes
woeful sentiments sans his attempt did render
competitors to drop out in ones n twos
whom he purportedly considers apostates,
and heathens cons heed Make America Great use
all manner of bullying
(determination whose occipital pupils

coalescing into searing
grape nut size wrath poisonous daggers)
forcibly silencing any jeers
when necessary plagiarizing neo **** playbook -
with trophy wife eliciting "who cares"
attitude closing in on pinteresting
for United States chess board foursquare,
which deliberate intent
to foment n wrought prostrate -
music to those hoteliers billion dollar ears

sans defeated apprenticing contestants
hearing sobbing tears
with vitriolic violent bilious
inducing jabs of his will full brittle spears
reputations of personalities
(men and women politicians
his especial flavor of scathing,
scandalous, scabrous sordidness

spewed squeamishly to grab
by the figurative crotch
(ala Michael Jackson)
the hello kitty 2016 presidential election),
whether liberal, conservative,
heterosexual or queers
thus tis find this muddling middle-aged mwm
abject psychic fractal shears.

The following poetic addendum composed way buff fore this (in my mind) atrocious, cretaceous, enormous, ferocious, garrulous, hellacious, indecorous, malicious nemesis, pernicious, querulous, rapacious, specious, tedious, unrighteous, vicious, dangerous demon must BE STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS ASAP!

DONALD TRUMP – RE: DUCKS --
this portion dashed off
(while driving an open white hearse slay
so many months back before sale him
slotted the most coveted
Casino biggest win -
before the political imbroglio
much more upsetting than today

Axe the old don
A trump peter n piper
of incredulous hellish crud - be gone
With the ha airbrushed pompous ****
so the Macy jackal hound doth run
After public outcry yelps
for his hide and proletarian discord won.

Donald Duck Trump ™!$ - a pompous ***
makes war with his big brass
knuckles and bucket of crass
maligns vis a vis character assassination
with soundcloud of broken glass
inciting banal deathly
hallowed expletives toward lass
sees – especially Fox Television
news anchor woman Megyn Kelly
inducing said personality

to bear the brunt of brutish mass
of vitriolic n vile insults
from incriminating verbal pass
so…ex post facto
viz mine NO VOTE from me
thus this digital screed to disallow him
to accept the oath of office,
cuz he will hurrahs
from such a snooty arrogant
simian with sass.

I van a try to describe while sitting on me ****
How he oh bomb in lee rages with gnashing teeth
while back a slump
blasting Democratic nomination as a sham –
from special interest bro and sis turn pump
he, the epitomy of crass bloviation,
a malignant lump
whose rants sans presidential outcome
a sham rocking red bull
in a China shop with his millions beds this,

that and another woman to ******* jump
disseminating gene pool –
Obama null lee birthing
more quackers and additionally doth ****
the mass media as some foolhardy charade
and caricature of a frazzled grump
this arboreal clothed ape
erecting taj mahal ******* symbol
where players dump
and gamble away hard earn cash

for his (hmm... mew zing) hello kitty,
as if that cachet to grind and bump
lambasting with that maniacal leering pout
while hair *** runs rampant with red bulls
in a china shop atop his bulbous aerosol
sprayed heady measly shaped
ulterior motive aimed his sights
to become pastor of muppets
dis eased cranial hologram
of a cretaceous, facetious and insidious mump.

By: Baron Von Ivan Mal N. Ya.

Torpedo style full speed ahead
keeping me in suspense,
what salacious gossip
gets browned, buttered, rolled
down the alley and bred
into unsavory tidbits,

these souffled ears dread
to hear hard boiled morsels
poached, scrambled, whipped
donning barren falsehoods
zeitgeist spouting dunderhead
trumpeting hex pence heave

signature border wall
inside this weatherbeaten egghead
sponge bobbing squarepants,
whereby passers by some with fathead
steer clear avoiding your truly
wobbly, and zany fountainhead

even atlas shrugged his shoulders
in repugnance at mine R.E.M. bored
heavy slimy algal filled
legally tendered greenhead
thank dog - me noggin
rock solid hardhead

able to withstand falsehoods
pitting this uber capital one
tindered linkedin lyfted loggerhead
with silent springing
black barbs snubbed from lunkhead
argh, those cruel verbal slings

fired weapons courtesy
mass destruction multiwarhead
lobbed, rocket propelled, tear gassed
glancing off cratered moon faced pate
said vicious unfounded nailhead
sharp hearsay twittering

with wingspan outspread
pterodactyl by bajillion miles exceeded
size of Sheepshead
Bay, I knew best to tread
softly, and carry big stick
admonished by Teddy Roosevelt
in conjunction with unifying thread

primarily on issues
in mathematics and logic
advanced by Alfred North Whitehead,
hence we must find another

place to escape widespread
senior citizens acting juvenile,
maybe a place gravely wrested
or willingly conceded
from grateful dead.

Tis beyond the depth and scope
of this electronic post,
and author, what triggers deliverance
housing bounty full memory absorbance,
yet no matter how many

heat sinks plumb cognizance,
most ordinary happenstance
often dredge up old nettlesome
rusty mettlesome names
of teachers forbearance

nearly half century ago
recalled in a flash,
and helped birth this poetic instance
break open literary
piece de resistance,

yet I will make
no subsequent reference
albeit once, about Peterson Handwriting
non cursively typed poem
filled with nonsensical abundance

dashed off viz seat
of my squarepants
typed, via strong arm lance
meant tubby considered pure entertainment,
so...,this rhyme merely hints

at cerebral imbalance
as minor rave and rants,
culled from convenient
20/20 hindsight stance,
while this quiet as bobbing sponge

minutely straddled across
space time continuum expanse,
and (analogously, invisibly,
plus quixotically perched circumstance
amidst wide webbed worldly metaphysical,

intellectual, and existential kants),
yet unable to disguise me
porous (poor ***) student advance
barely getting promoted,
cuz sigh re: Seine ed lee


imaged myself prince charming
to frolic and prance,
and dreamt about being in France,
when teacher called on me,
I immediately (whistled like

a little teapot) appearance,
whereby steam issued
out chrome dome
(scanned hull – i.e. numb
skull) affixed on

short and stout genetic grants,
which noggin always
(automatically) looked askance,
while me got alphabetically seated
from grades three to six

(mrs wells, mister stout,
missus shaner, and
miss rinderle respectively)
with absolute zero exuberance
(at Henry Kline

Boyer Elementary School,
I just recalled aforementioned
randomly accessed memory by chance
casually rifling thru
memory bank, freelance
sing, while *******

away time performing,
"I gotta urinate dance,"
thus rendering painstaking years
perfecting penmanship style
(reference poem title)
executed with Liberace flamboyance,

whereat yours truly obsessively and
compulsively excelled at
duplicating signature compliance
plus crossing T's and
dotting I's with rapacious
perfectly ruled slants.

Forgotten memory jarred
beholding two decks UNO
materializing from...thin air,
(Spongebob Squarepants nonetheless),
I vividly recall both offspring

as bubbly little girls
their most favorite card game
both daughters grown
into independent womanhood
(playtime verboten shunted aside,

they now chess attend Life)
relished with zeal
beating pants of this papa
feigned shock, when fingers
strained to the max

grasping bulk of cards
heard the word "UNO"
followed by profuse laughter
which round mirth
subsequently invited eager plea

to play board game "SORRY,"
outcome already predicted,
but yours truly,
he indulged revelling
giddy atmosphere,

and willingly acquiesced
arbitrarily choosing
least favorite color
arranging game pieces,
within designated starting place

half heartedly perturbed
nary a dice throw yielded
thee requisite number one
finally after Oracle of Delphi
bore predicted rout

with near defeat
meaning either lass
almost got all her "men" home,
aye cast  die for numeral uno,
gingerly proceeded to roll dice,

a long shot ambition
to advance my four pawns,
and exalt with sought after
glee to edge ahead,
but lovely girls strategy
and motive (dispensing, donning,

trumpeting... retribution – payback,
when supposedly this “sir” mean)
uttered sinister laugh
as one or more selected
mine "men" almost home
happily sent back to start.