What made you think that,
Just because you have strong hands,
Which look like they were sculptured by God himself,
You can touch the most sacred parts of my body,
Then leave me,
And leave my skin burning and yearning for more?

What made you think that,
You can look into my eyes,
And shakingly hold my face in your bandaged palms,
And whisper lies to me on your hospital bed,
Telling me that everything will be okay,
That you would fight for me,
Then months later give up?

What made you think that,
I was joking when I said,
I would get married to you,
And have our favorite songs play at our wedding,
Once we get our lives figured out?

What made you think that,
I would ever let you die,
Unacknowledged,
As a victim of drunk driving,
With that murderer still unarrested?

What made you think that,
I will ever be fine,
Seeing everyone else going on with their lives,
Hardly unimpacted,
When my life after you feels like,
A two-dimensional black and white documentary?

What made you think that,
I have celebrated enough birthdays with you?

And if I saw you
Standing in the pouring rain in the dead of night,
Shakingly anxious for a midnight train,
That speeding, steel pill that will
Relieve you of all your pain,
Would you remember my name?
Or would you make like the rain,
And fall away again?

And when you reach your final destination,
When that platform creaks under
Your thirsty boots at that nameless station,
As the fog moves to embrace you and
You feel the great feeling, a mighty vibration
Of a heavy railroad monster
Abandoning you at some remote location,
Will my eyes creep into your imagination?
Or is the past on permanent vacation?

And when you’re finally alone,
Silently, painfully alone,
You will crack open that dusty luggage,
You will begin to aimlessly rummage,
But will you see my picture
Tacked inside your suitcase?
And furthermore,
Will you recognize me?
Will you recognize my face?
The color that my hair really was that day?
Or was that such a different place,
A completely different time and space,
That my smile, once occupying your heart,
Might as well have been born into some
Nonexistent place?
Will you ever remember those days?
Or are they gone without a trace?

i feed her my words
like you'd feed someone sick
the pills as their ailment

i feed her my love
like you'd feed a baby bird
its life frail and in lament

the mother's dead
the baby's chirping
the birds all say
that this is working

i feed her my ideas
like you'd feed a toddler
with spoon in hand; shakingly

i feed her my death
like you'd feed the poor
standing on corners, begging; incessantly

this is working
i believe it now
i see it working
but can't see how

i feed her life,
as you'd feed me.
i feed her knowledge,
and set her free.

I feel like there are crumbling cinder blocks where my beating heart should be, and Im trying to explain to you how it feels but it's so chaotic and now it doesn't feel like cinder blocks it feels like someone used my torso as punching bag from the inside out cause I can't breath.

it's so hard to  just breathe sometimes.

You wake up and complain about school cause your bed is warm and you're too tired, my bed is warm too and I'm tired too but I never sleep. My mind likes to run marathons when I think about you and how many times you probably kissed her that day. And I like school, I get out of this house that is referred to as "home". If this is your love, I don't want it.

It feels like my world will stop spinning if that person isn't involved in it. your voice silenced the anxiety and the pain and the anger and the insecurities and the voices. Those fuckinggggg voices. And your eyes were chocolate brown but u were only sweet when you wanted something.

It feels like fighting the urge to punch every mirror before you can see your reflection, and every wall cause he didn't reply to your text yet. Bruises would be so special and beautiful if they were inspired by you.

It's so conflicting because my anxiety makes me feel like everyone is paying attention to me but depression taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that those girls at the end of the hall are probably not laughing about me cause I'm nothing to no one. But this anxietyyyy, any interaction feels like my world is shaking and I forget how to breath and my hands won't stop dripping.

It feels like somebody is playing darts with my heart and twisting shards of glass even deeper. It's frustrating to try and convey how i feel cause to you it must seem crazy that the darkness can be ground shakingly loud and my body can feel like a million heavy pieces about to shatter if I move. I can't explain and you won't understand any way because even I don't have an explanation as to why my brain feels like an ocean during a ******* storm.

It's eating me alive cause everything is splashing around in my mind and i can't make it stop or even slow down and on the outside I'm trying so hard to keep it together and play it cool when on the inside there's lightning and thunder crashing and probably some  sunshine but I'm too busy worrying about if that branch is going to crack and fall on me or if your paying attention to me or texting her back and I look you in the eye and I can't help but wonder if you can see what I'm feeling.

Standing on the shore
of this big wide sea
Looking at the horizon
as far as the eyes can see
All my life in front of me
Little ripple waves
Big foaming thunder storm
I stand there facing all
Shakingly cold
watching lightning touch down under
Standing there await
other  days of wonder
while the storm has gone
and the sun goes under.

Shell ✨🐚

I turn my fan on
even though its
winter.
Just to freeze.
I wrap myself in a cocoon
of tied blankets
letting warmth seep into my skin.
Limbs press together shakingly
wishing for it to spread faster.
I want warmth
and comfort.
But I can't have those.
Maybe I'll wake up with them
But as of now,
late at night,
my mind flows
with possibilities
and responses
and ideas
and wishful daydreams
that will most likely never come true.
because I dream too big
and my brain has to process everything
on overdrive.

I dismiss the jury, they’ve been absolutely useless
And move to pass my own judgement
In the case of toxic friend group vs my idiot past self
I find the defendant guilty on all counts:
Willful Unawareness and Lack of Boundaries in the 1st degree
Excruciating Neediness and Nonexistent Self Worth in the 2nd

They have to drag her from the courtroom
Screaming, spitting, legs kicking
Perhaps she really wasn’t fit to stand trial
But my hardening, calcified heart holds no pity

I make sure I’m there when they lock the cell door
I look her in those wildly disturbed eyes as I swallow the key
"Someone will find out about us," she whispers shakingly
Wrapping both hands firmly around the cold iron bars
I lean in, let her feel the loathing radiating from my skin,
"Over my dead body"

The golden rays of the sun fell upon my cheek like a bliss in the partial twilight of the dawn. I was wearily lying on my bed, thinking about the limitless sky and the universe. For more than 5 minutes I continued lying there, pondering aimlessly. It was 6 am in the morning and I didn’t know what thoughts had disturbed my sleep. I got up from my bed then and walked straight into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but watching the running water from my tap, I was lost again! I was gazing through the diminishing transparency of my visage that was being reflected on those tiny droplets of water. “How beautiful!” I murmured but then woke up with a start after I realized the amount of water that I had wasted.
I seemed to be traumatized and lost for no good reason. I was never like that before. Never did I even pay attention to the minutest detail. What was so wrong with me that day?  "Is it because something horrendous is awaiting me?" "It’s all in the mind. Stop being so negative." I reiterated to myself. Despite the weather being so pleasant outside there was always a dull spot in my heart that day which initiated negativity and terror. To drive away those crazy thoughts I decided to write some poetry. I was looking for a way to reinvigorate my imagination in quick bursts of flash fiction which I considered to be my expertise. But even before I wrote a word, like a storm someone rushed through and pounced on my shoulders from behind, hugging me firmly.” Heyyyy!” she yelled with enthusiasm. The hug was warm and familiar. I did not even take a minute to recognise her. It my best friend- Rashi. “I have got two surprises for you today. The first one is, that we are going on a one-day trek! Look, it’s such a wonderful day outside and you are simply rotting here to write your melancholic poetries. Come on, what are you waiting for? Wind up all this mess and get ready quickly!” she said with excitement.” Oh, come on! This is insane.” I exasperated. “Don’t you worry about this at all. I have already dealt things with both of our moms. So, shake a leg now! We have got a bus to catch” she assured me. I tried to glare at her out of frustration and anger with those tiny squeezed eyes but that big wide smile on the lower bottom of my face clearly manifested how convinced I was. I packed my bag as soon as possible and we both headed towards the bus stand. Our bus journey was a short one and we spend those forty-five minutes gossiping and backbiting about those nasty folks in school. A typical BFF conversation, isn’t it?
“Okay, I know that you get tired soon but trust me, it is completely worth the wait.” she spoke abruptly.” The highest point out there is so beautiful, serene and peaceful that you will never regret doing this with me. We might even scream our lungs out there and hear our own echoes on the top. Wonderful, isn’t it?” she continued. I nodded back exuberantly.  As soon as we got off the bus, a cool breeze of air blew past me. I was shuddering with cold but couldn’t help noticing the natural beauty surrounding me. It was so mesmerising and enchanting. I could hear the tranquil voice of the crickets singing with the sound of the rippling water and feel the high-spirited flow of the river. The lush green pastures were embracing the endurance of those hard working farmers and the meadows were filled with strikingly vibrant colours of those beautiful flowers. I was so intrigued in having deep conversations with rashi and also observing the beauty of nature around me, that within a spur of a moment, we reached the hill top.
No sooner did I  reach the hill top than I threw myself on the stack of hay out of exhaustion. While rashi proceeded forward and cried out loud, “rashiii, milonii”, her voice echoed throughout. Hearing that gave me immense pleasure. “the best day of my life,” I screamed back..” oh yes mine too! The second surprise is still waiting for ya though!” she tried to tease me. I got up from the stalk of hay and ran towards her. Pulling her ponytail tightly I said” are you telling me or not?” “alright alright. Lets settle down first. I loosely gripped her ponytail although didn’t let her run from my clutches until we settled down.
There was absolute silence for a while and we both were lost into the remarkable creation of god. Suddenly ,she touched my hand and held it tight. Looking towards my face she gave me a slight smile. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Her face abruptly turned completely red as if she had been holding back her miseries all this while. A drop of tear trickled down her cheek  and pointing towards her forehead, she said,” they say, there is a tumour in here”.” They say I  have only got a year more to survive” “they say it’s the it’s the last stage of  cancer and we cant really do anything” for a moment I was zapped. I seemed to be unaware of all the happenings around me. Rashis words were echoing in my head. I couldn’t resist holding back my tears. I hugged her and burst into tears.”what are you saying rashi.. I really don’t understand anything” I said. Neither do I she replied.. all I know is that I just have a year left with me now. Noo! I weeped in misery..i wont let u go..why are u doing this to me
Heyy u have to be strong come on..
You know I could sense something devastating happening to me today. What am I going to do without u rashi.
This is life my dear friend … cruel, dark and full of miseries but we gotaa know how to make our masterpiece on this black canvas. Only then will u succeed.
Is there really no cure to this? I asked shakingly
We don’t need to cure cancer. We need to feed it with happiness love and a thousands of cherishable memories only then we can defeat it, for eternity!

"Look mummy, I'm flying". Lily cried in her shrill energetic voice as the car passed over a bump in road. Smiling in amusement at her 6 year old daughter in the rear view mirror, Aria said in a tired voice "settle down honey".  Safe in her seatbelt, Lily giggled as she was thrown up briefly as the car hit another bump. She watched to see if another smile would show up on her mother's face but it never did. Sadness and fear seemed to hang heavily on her mother. Lily bit her lips. Maybe she shouldn't have told her mom that she had seen daddy.

Aria kept an eye on the antics of Lily as she drove. Her child, her baby. It amazed her how such a wonderful creation could come from a foul being like Simon. Her heart seized for a second as a flash of light brought Lily's face into clear ciew view for a moment and her face morphed into that of Simon. "She looks so much like him". Fate had given her 3 years of happiness after years of pain with Simon. A newspaper clipping on the dashboard flapped in the wind as the car sped on the bridge. On the front page, the words "Simon the Butcher has escaped " screamed at her. "I won't let you have my baby Simon" Aria whispered to herself. Taking her hands off the wheel, she popped open the pill box and shakingly poured a few pills into her hands. "Mummy , what are those?", Lily asked with a quizzical look on her face. "They're just some Vitamins honey, have some. A sad tinged smile touched her lips as she watched Lily ***** up her face and swallow the offered pills. With tears in her eyes, she pressed her foot on the gas pedal. The car struck the ramp and sped off the bridge. Briefly weightless as the car hung in the air, Aria heard Lily's dazed voice " Look mummy, I'm flying".