I am not feeling anything,
I am numb.
My heart is encased in something so impenetrable,
Not even I can set it free.
As I lay, I try to feel,
Even the tiniest bit of emotion,
Impossible.
I'm searching for something, anything.
A tear to roll down my face, some hair pulling...
I hear the faintest palpitation of a heart beat.
Get me a doctor, a cure-er,
A poet, a writer.
Someone who can either give me drugs to help cope or stitch me up with a pen.
I'll wait, I'll even count to ten...
...
Didn't think so,
What now?
Do I cut myself open,
Just to test if I bleed?
Or do I keep feigning cares?
Want me to repeatedly say I Love You,
With a blank stare?
Don't call me emotionless, heartless, etc.
I hate it when people point out the obvious.
Use new adjectives,
Like scarred, or a giver-upper, a try-hard,
You know, something that isn't easily seen on the surface.
Something you have to search deep to discover.
What if you dig deep enough and find a treasure?
Imagine finding gold and pearls.
You've set me free, I'm finally happy.
But I'd hate to imagine what comes after.
After you discover what I'm made of,
Will your motives change?
Before it was to help now it's to use me.
Now you want to lather yourself in my riches until I've run out straight to the core.
Might even nibble on what's left,
And then I am left.
As always.
Left for dead.
I heal bit by bit,
I don't remember anything.
I feel hollow but start filling up with nothingness.
I feel softness but only for a split second until that all too familiar hard shell forms.
I'm back.
I feel normal in this terrifying state.
I want to feel, I want to touch and taste and rejoice but-
there's nothing.
No matter how hard I try.
All too soon I hear some news,
Some poor soul hit rock bottom after being rotten rich.
Don't come seeking for comfort in me,
Don't try and use me for your selfish needs.
Just like you I am needy, a loner,
I am a sucker fish hoping to find and taste even the smallest amount of life,
A roamer, searching for *something, anything.
-d.***
