there are ants crawling in and out of my hollow eyes
they're having a picnic inside of my skull
they've invited all of their cousins and brothers and sisters
aunt kenneth is punching holes in my rotting brain
because her hormones are out of balance after the operation
rambunctious young twins cassie and brett just knocked over the potato salad which intermingles with the mush in my head
did you hear?
yoana eloped with a beetle
left her ailing mother all alone to raise two kids
and she's just shown up all alone with a dismal pack of beer and a sagging demeanor to show for herself
sandra says that her lover must have left her
and who did she think she was,
leaving everything she's ever known
and now she's come crawling back--
back to my rotting skull

I have tried to embraced death once
It had left me numb
Turned out
Oliver twisted & entranced
No tingle
No storybook hope
For a reunion with love
Tuppenance or parlance
Of a mum tongue

Left alone
Responsible
For my actions
Of course
& the actions of those before me
Re-course undoubtedly
Them that dost the shaping
The future representatives
Left Inconsequentially

I imagine what kindling kinship must think
Of my timely deliverance
& movement
How sorry they felt
Discarding my relevance
Like an apple fallen
Far from the tree & left in sight of bruising

Not enough baggage
I am afraid
For the life
Alone
Absent to the words
Without her
Pre-setting & upsetting my dial tone
& how I came to find me
Losing bout to bout
When facing failure & the unknown
Buried in that water
Like the stomach & lungs of the forgotten
Gasping for air in the murk
Choking on chipped teeth & promises
Inaudible moan

Stillness
Have yet to touch death
Only been manipulated
By It's fiery folds
In that water
Beneath the moss
Lies that certainty
I will never know
For who does this child belong too
& I am still just a nervous kid
In lackadaisical search of atonement
Afraid of his own place in the universe
The state
The town
This conversation
& that moment

That which brought you
To your
How can I say resting place
You do not nap
You take loans out on heart strings
You were taken from the factory line
Post haste
Unfit for full scaled production
Shoveled
& packaged antiquity
Into that burden laced case
Left beneath a woman
Or above the boy
You never could face

No it doesnt help to think
Every map I disregarded
Every opportunity to love
I avoided
Cause of me & myself & the departed

But maybe I know
Something you don't
I am alive
& still full of the shocks
& pangs
Shocks of what I will
The pangs of what I won't

Dear beautiful rose,

Day and night come and go seamlessly
because there is no differentiation of time.
Without you, there seems to be nothing more
than the drifting of a lonely soul through the universe.
With a faint acknowledgement that my life still exists
I fade into the warmly dark recesses of my thoughts.

These thoughts, however, are far from dark in their content.
Within my mind, enslaved by my longing heart,
I can clearly see you and me.
We walk together as if there was no pain, no struggle.
All that exists is love that is between us;
the love that I know remains but is captive to fear.

The darkness of these thoughts, then, comes from the explicit difference
between the movies of my mind and the painful reality.
Despite my falling into constant dreams,
I still hold hope for reality.
I know somewhere in that fearful beauty,
deep down where no normal eye can see,
you yearn for a reunion of our hands,
the renewed embrace of our loving souls.

Once I saw your face pressed against the picture window,
I sprinted.
The soles of my shoes were deteriorating,
but bare-feet was always the way I imagined this

Our reunion.

Three pints and a pipe.
One brother talking to another.
Honestly, I thought I'd never see you again.

And now
I know that you will never be as far away as I imagined.

I wonder how it feels.
To be snuggled ever so precisely.
Skin to skin, like neurons to synapses, sparking, firing pure pleasures of love, for the mate of my soul.

A wonder it is to feel.
I imagine us to be synchorinzed in such way, that thoughts are completed. Actions are known. He will see the truth even when unshown.

Blissful wonder, I long to feel.
The absence of something unfamiliar, but nostalgic.
I feel him present now, forever near, yet ever eluding.

My intertwines long for, aches for, to feel, his touch, yet it remains unknown.
His lips, sun, unkissed.

I wait in wonder.
Not for completion, but for a reunion.
Not of family, but of the one,
kin of my Soul.

Ang kuwentong ito ay tungkol sa pinakamagandang yugto ng buhay ko, ang high school.
      Sa high school kasi, maraming uri ng kalayaan ang pwedeng gawin. Malaya tayong gawin ang gusto natin. Pwedeng mag-aral tayo nang mabuti, pwedeng hindi. Depende sa estudyante kung paano niya tatpusin ang araw niya a loob ng paaralan.
      Dito ko natutuhan kung paano makisalamuha at makisama sa iba't ibang tao. Dito mo mararanasang bumarkada, magsinungaling sa magulang, makasama lang sa mga lakad ng kaibigan, magkaroon ng boyfriend/girlfriend, gabihing umuwi sa lakwatsa, tapos.
      Idadahilan sa magulang na gumawa ng project at hihingi ng pera kahit wala namang babayaran sa eskwelahan. O, di ba? Saya!
      Noong ako ay nasa high school, simula 1st hanggang 3rd year ay pang-umaga ang klase ko. Mahirap man gumising nang maaga, kailangan talaga, ayoko kasi sa lahat yung late.
      Noong ako ay nag-1st year, hindi ko alam kung paano makikipag-usap sa mga kaklase ko. Nahihiya pa kasi ako at nandoon pa yung kaba. Isip bata pa ako noon at hindi pa gaano ka-matured ang ugali ko.
      Ang ginagawa ko lang ay manahimik at mag-aral ng mabuti. Dito rin ako nagsimulang magkaroon ng crush, kinikilig kapg nahuhuli ko siyang lumilingon sa akin. Hahaha! Todo kilig to the max naman ako. Yung akala mo wala nang bukas sa sobrang tuwa!
      ***** nama tayo sa buhay 2nd year ko. Sobrang saya ng tumuntong ako sa taon na ito. Dito ako nakakilala ng mga tunay na kaibigan. Naging barkada ko hangtag ngayon, kaso bihira na kaming nakakapag-usap at nagkikita kasi iba't ibang section na rin kami napunta. Dito ko unang naranasang maglakwatsa kasama ang mga kaibigan ko.

      Ngayon naman ako ay nakatuntong na ng 3rd year. Dito ay unti-unti nang nag-matured ang aking ugali. Medyo hindi ako masaya kasi bago na naman lahat ng kaklase ko pero kilala ko silang lahat. Haap ng bagong kaibigan na naman sa klase pero mas naging close ko kung mga lalaki. Ewan ko kung bakit. Hahaha! Ayoko sa mga kaklase kong babae noon, ang aarte. Pero may ilan sa kanilang naging kaibigan ko rin.
      Excited na ako sa pagtuntong ng 4th year. Mukhang masaya Pero ito na ang huling yugto sa high school life. Siguro lahat iiyak, maghihiwa-hiwalay na kasi.
      Pero mayroon pa namang reunion, at ito ang buhay high school.

They think Absence is a cruel mistress
A gorgon with brass talons who rends our bonds
And eats our hearts
Dousing flames
and snuffing out all the candles we lit together

But she is a gentle gardener
Sowing seeds of strength with calloused, work-toughened hands
Watering desire with the dew of distance
Counting day after day until the fruit of reunion is
Ripe and sweet and tender.

I re-discovered an old habit today.
Hot water was drilling down my spine
as my extremities tarried in winter's cold.
Steam rose in translucent plumes about me
as I stood and stared at the drain;
angry torrents of colourless molecules
clamouring for the better seats
on their endless, thoughtless commute
through blind tunnels and inescapable voids.
I turned the shower pink.
I was not sure why but I enjoyed the art:
the statement of life amongst
well-ordered shampoo bottles
and the pristine white of the room;
a chance to claim substance again
after slipping into old routines
and falling off the face of the Earth.
The old habit came in an airport reunion;
a thrill of recounting long-healed scars
and that familiar embrace with an old friend
you thought you would never meet again.
I remember your smell, I know your taste.
I stopped shaving a long time ago.

I am bleeding here, trapped within myself, a message from within myself. Am I the only one that sees it? Am I the only one crying in the dark? Let the sweet deep breath of death flow across my chapped, cracked, and blood soaked skin. Let the wave of peace break over me, hold me deep within myself until I find it. This is my cry to see the light of day. To be kissed by the wind, like silk on my naked back.

It is fear that drives us. Fear that keeps us here. Bound at the elbows, drinking deep, sleeping dark. We are fortunate to be so ignorant. Blissfully sleeping, wiling away the days, the nights, each hour a new dream painted for us. The steep climb, the incline, to reap our unfortunate fruit.

I would let the light burn off mourning. Allow the frost to melt away, seeking stars now suspended and unmoving. This timeless place deep inside. Not hollow, crowded with the bodies of my making. The people I am, the faces I have. Open eyed, just as trapped. I have tied myself to tight.

Yet here I am within myself, I can see you there too. Trapped in your own self induced shroud, just as pained. There will be a reunion among us. We will weep the wellspring, tears of joy. If only to see the light of day, to be kissed by the wind, like silk on our naked backs.

Eclipse, n.
A phase when the universe is completely dark, minus the illuminance of millions of stars dancing around the earth and the moon, celebrating the reunion of two objects in an embrace of shadows and light, in which no one can see what happens on the other side of this event, but you and I know exactly what is happening.

They smell your scent in my covers, because you're here almost every night. You get off, roll up and smoke in the kitchen and I let you get off because you're hitting it right. We've been through way too much Jayy, we **** and we fight, every other day, we **** and we fight. And I let you get off because you're hitting it right. And I guess I love you because I'm young and I have no sense, and you know exactly what to say to **** me off and make me really tense. Way in love at your family reunion and I bet they can't tell that you beat my ***. And I let you slide because I love you and you're the only one I let stick it in my....You're not the only one, but you're the only one and I don't know if it upsets you because I'm supposed to be pregnant with your only son. You're not the only one...so we fight. You ain't the only one that's ******* me right. You aren't the only one paying these bills and moaning and groaning 'cause this ***** is tight. So we fight. And we fight. And we fight. Because you're the only one that loves me but I know we ain't doing this right.

They smell your scent in my covers, Jayy. And I can't get it out quite right. No matter how many times I clean my sheets. I can't seem to wash you out of my life

Summer days are here again,
Or is it my mind going insane?
The beautiful petals blossom in the sun,
The radiance of a beautiful one.

I can hear a voice whistle through the trees,
A voice of serene and a voice of peace,
That can quiet this troubled soul of mine,
A miracle only of God's design.

I see her smile in the cloud,
A sign that shows today isn't bad;
From you, a gentle touch,
To me, it wont be much.

The moon and stars watch from the sky,
I hope they send you to spy,
I will catch and squeeze u tight,
But i promise not to bite.

Hey! You up there listening?
Where am I going wrong
heck where am I going right?
Is asking for clarity vanity?
Leaps of faith and bold moves,
seem the clearest languages you understand.

But it's so easy to get lost inside you.
I feel I've fallen to often to dare leap again,
the bruises and marks never fading.
My hearts stopped aching although
it hasn't really fluttered all the same.
Have I been bold at all the wrong places or times?
So whats your idea?

Where's my inspiration
because it's never matched my perspiration.
Now they seem to fight one another,
I'm afraid they'll become long lost brothers.
So as the Mother and the father of all
can I get a reunion for the two.
A reason to feel anew.

I still believe in better
and we haven't spoke much
but you said that would be enough.

I used to have 4 brothers
And loved them all the same
The eldest used us siblings
For where to lay the blame

Hoping reincarnation
Proves true after a while
Dan said his fondest wish was
Return an only child

Soon I arrived, his sister
Right after Dan turned 2
He fed me peanut butter
Until my face turned blue

Dan denied that he loved me
As kids did, once or twice
But he jumped in to save me
When I fell through the ice

Surviving eighteen months then
My baby crib moved on
I moved to the bottom bunk
My next brother was born

Named for our dad’s Commander
World War II not fearing
Ted was sent to Vietnam
Where he would lose his hearing

Neighbors once thought we were twins
Blond hair and Dad’s blue eyes
Family strife split us apart
Though close in age and size

He can’t hear but does read lips
That bomb, it took its toll
Seems no single moment’s joy
PTSD took hold

Next came Bill when I was 6
AKA “Sweet William”
Boundless joy and endless love
His broad smiles worth millions

When I loved chocolate ice-cream
That was his favorite, too
He is my son’s Godfather
His wise words helped me through

I have no clue what ended
Brotherly affection
Before 2 brothers died he
Cut off real connection

Sam was born prematurely
When I was twelve years old
Spent 5 months incubating
Before we took him home

Our father’s disappointment
Sam never went to college
Didn’t want to play football
Was seeking other knowledge

Sam learned how engines functioned
By disassembling cars
Made candles in the basement
An Eagle Scout-golf star

A heart of gold he suffered
Much doggerel and strife
Alcohol’s what dogged him till
Tragically took his life

Divided family members
I’m actor and spectator
Seeking to forge connections
Reunion instigator

Some gather for funerals
A wedding now and then
I mourn, alone, Dan and Sam
Lament what might have been

Hadn’t been able to finish this piece until I took a long vacation. I still have 2 living brothers, but neither responds to my overtures. One can't hear me, and the other is not speaking.  New Englanders are known for denial and take-it- to-the-grave-grudges.  I guess I really don't want to know why.

A Dairy Queen Waitress in Tuscany

Eat, drink, pray, love, hamburger, shake, and fries
Boyfriend, baby, trailer park, sad tired eyes
Creepy men, cranky boss, and ice-cream floats
A wheezing Honda with overdue notes

Cinder-blocks, fluorescents, grilled cheese to go
No child-support this month, another cup of joe
Ten-year-reunion, can’t go, how time flew
Two shifts that day, the trailer rent is due

Baby at Mama’s, boyfriend still in bed
He’ll look for work tomorrow, that’s what he said
“Order up!” the fry cook hollers, and she
Dreams of a someday-summer in Tuscany

Shaded porch, thick summer day,
Two old friends chat transported back by  
Shared words of youthful,
Enduring brotherhood.
Days they will never see again,
Still clear in their minds and memories.

when the dust all had settled
from sunrise you appeared
a memory from my past
a net of emotions finally released
they suspended my disbelief
my endless days of thinking
ended in one humid evening
this reunion like a blade's oven
the iron forge alit once more
and you grabbed my face
and brought it to yours
i
i

i smiled and held my breathe
cried like you had come back from the dead
until sooty ash was all that remained
until the fire dulled its searing heat
and became a weak fading ember
from my bed of flame i was ******
the bite of the atmosphere returned
as i took my next breath
quenched before the steam and hiss
tempered by my disappointments
and this endless summer of burning desire
ended one cool night
this reunion

I was drunk
at my family reunion
when they announced
I won
Catholic of The Year

Is this my life now?

Here in the teeth of this triumphant wind
  That shakes the naked shadows on the ground,
Making a key-board of the earth to strike
  From clattering tree and hedge a separate sound,

Bear witness for me that I loved my life,
  All things that hurt me and all things that healed,
And that I swore it this day in March,
  Here at the edge of this new-broken field.

You only knew me, tell them I was glad
  For every hour since my hour of birth,
And that I ceased to fear, as once I feared,
  The last complete reunion with the earth.

Prelude to Introduction

We live in a world where our selfishness reaches a point of wanting immortality. Something that has been forbidden to us by a God who promises a better life will wait for us in the next life. Yet there are those who deceive the word of God, and chose to live by their own means of rules, unaware that they are only human, and vulnerable to one of God’s greatest creations. Death is a taboo topic in different parts of the world. Every culture deals with their loss differently from the next. When death comes into the lives of people they always seem to forget that the life of their loved one could have not been created if it were for the opposite of death; Love. Truth be told that the opposite of death is considered birth, but even before birth something had to have created that being before it was even brought to this world. Love has to become a factor when creating new life. As society continues to view these two as bitter opposites, there are those few who understand that the beauty in life does not exist in the way a person wants to life their life, but by how it is given to them, and taken.

When Love & Death Embrace

        What is the meaning in life if the essence that created it, is affiliated with the being that will end it? Why are we breathed in life, only to have it taken away from us? Can it be that we really aren’t meant to live forever, and death is doing us a favor in stopping what ever suffering we have? Can it really be true that out physical life must end, but our whole being will move on to an even greater life? One where love promises life will never end, and we thank death for this new life? Is Death our mother learning to let go of her precious child called Life? Is our father Love who created us through his seed of care?

When Love looked into the eyes of Death, he did not know what to say. For he had fallen for Deaths large, noir, orbs like a foolish romantic he was. Death was not someone people believed to be beautiful, but in fact she was more than beautiful. In a way, she was almost unreal. Unimaginably perfect, that any man would fall for her look of morbid grace to his death bed. The black hooded robe that everyone spoke about were actually her jet black tousles of wavy hair that ran past her whole body as she walked, framing her thin, pale face and physique. She was dreadfully tall that one could only imagine how long her ebony locks were. The stereotypical scythe that held the reputation of fear was actually just her long walking stick she used because…she was blind…

Love did not know exactly why he found Death so appealing. Maybe it was the way she carried herself. Unable to see the people in front of her, but still able to walk with grace towards those who have met their time. Maybe he was just infatuated with her appearance. He could't help but find her morbid, macabre state…warming. But if Love were questioned what it was he adored about Death the most, he would have said her smile, not missing a beat.

It was in her nature to not display any kind of emotions towards others, yet when he was in her presence she couldn’t help smiling with him. Her small, pouty lips were the only thing that has any color in them. Red, the color of romance and affection; the color of blood and deception. Because that was what she was. Love was okay with that…He heard her laugh once. It was random, and completely unexpected. But ever since that day he’s tried to make her laugh every time they would meet. He would even settle more a small chuckle, as long as he heard it from her. It was haunting, and hollow, but inside he knew she wasn’t empty and she wasn’t haunting. All she needed was love.

      The time had come for their reunion. Although they had been together just moments ago, to Love it felt like years had been put between he and Death. He always looked forward to these encounters, yet he still dreaded them. He knew that every time he would meet Death it wouldn’t be for a friendly chat; Death was going to rip his heart out.

Love: It’s nice seeing you again…how long has it been dear? Two weeks maybe? Haha.

Death: It feels more like two hours. Then again what do we know about time…it’s not like I’m a heavenly angel, or God.

Love: …No, you’re not. But then again you aren’t the devil either.

She stayed silent, not sure of how to respond to such a dramatic and confusing comeback from him. He always did this to her. Every time she would lash at herself with the worst of comments, he’d always say the opposite…She didn’t know whether she liked it, or if she was supposed to hate him for it. She didn’t even know if she was supposed to hate anyone at all. Death was always curious about Love’s actions. Ever since they were created he was always this hopeless romantic who was too hopeful in mankind's ability to remain faithful for his own good. He spoke about everything in such a blissful state that Death found herself enchanted by his words from time to time. The optimistic he was compared to her pessimistic. She couldn’t help but wonder if opposites can really attract. Because right now as he stood before her about to die for the infinite time he smiled, and that always pained her to see.

Death: Why do you do this to yourself…why do you let this happen to you every time when you know you can always tell God you’re tired of getting broken every time this happens…why do you let yourself die Love…why do you let the love die?

He smiled at her, and she looked away. **** him. **** his bright smile that made everything okay.  Why couldn’t he see that it literally hurt her to do this to him…She looked up, because she felt something different. Instead of a bright smile she always felt from him…she was met with broken, tired eyes, and a bittersweet smile.

Love: Nothing is meant to last forever dear, not even us. Thats why…when we have to end it, I always look forward to seeing you again. Even if it took a day, a week, a month, or even years. You and I are inseparatable. We’re made for one another darling.

He closed the distance between them, taking her in a warm embrace. If only she could see his face. His angelic, perfect face. Her white eyes could only see a dark outline of him, but even with that she knew he was beautiful.

Love: God really knew what he was doing when he made us. Opposites by fate, yet destined to be lovers. God’s a pretty good Shakespeare isn’t he? Then again he did create him too.

Death could only laugh at his witty thoughts. For once she realized he was right. They were destined to be lovers, just not always together. She guessed thats what it must be like to be a human too. Not everyone born spends their life with their first love. She sort of thought her situation was like that, but it wasn’t either…With the distance they shared coming to a close, Love couldn’t help but get lost in Deaths large pale eyes. With their faces only inches away Death brought their lips together with her cold, thin hands for life’s most bittersweet kiss.
Love: Until next time, my sweet Death.

Death: Until next time, by everlasting love.

In the event of life’s misfortunes, there will be two things that will always be a part of life. Love and Death. Life cannot be created with the absence of love, nor can death keep the balance without the existence of life. Love will forever continue to create life as long as Death continues to let it go. The two things that people can come to fearing the most are histories tragically, oldest soul mates that can never be. Love will always be understand, and Death will always have to let the love go, and Life will continue to be their children they must learn to set free for a better life.

Grow Old Poem (Spoken Word)
5/15/2014

I want my heart to drop at least one more time before I die.
If it can tingle with that sensational micro shock wave,
feel it pulse fast through arteries and veins,
pumping ever so slowly, yet surely,
I can know that I am living in my last moments of being alive.

The thought never struck me that I could someday die of old age.
When the world out there is as scary as ours was,
one learns to not be afraid of what the future brings,
but instead of what's beyond the window in the present.
What malice is awaiting your dim-witted arrival out the door this morning?

Aging is the reason a Hell doesn't need to exist.
It can make a common theme among all of Dante's burning infernos.
How cruel is it to find things you love and ignite passions,
only to watch those things flicked off like fleas,
faltering into willowy whisps,
small pathetic pitter pats fluttering away into dust.

I did it right though, you know.
Growing old.
I did it by growing, after all, and not shrinking.
Step by step, things got harder, but in turn became more enjoyable.
My only wish now is to ask my 22 year old self some questions.

Why didn't you go to senior year prom?
Even though you didn't have a date, it would have been fun,
you and I both know it!

Why did you spend so much time obsessing over when you would lose your virginity when there were so many better firsts to be taken?

Why did you refuse to date for long periods of time,
closing off your heart as if falling in and out of love was like a fatal fall off a cliff.

Why did you care about little old me,
trying to make plans for the future, without realizing I could care for myself when it got to that point?

Why did you lie at your high school reunion as if anyone's opinion mattered if it wasn't something positive or interesting?

Why didn't you take better care of your body.
I know it's a low blow, but I'm not exactly a fan of my brittle skin, a little lotion daily could have gone a long way.

It's funny that these are the things I think of today.
That I remember out of all the moments, these few.
Why are you listening to me talk and answering these silly questions?

Go forth into the hustle and bustle of life,
Be enthralled in its tendrils,
letting its life force seep through your veins like a brilliant canal system.
Don't shrink as you age,
My advice to you is to Grow Old.

The lump in my throat has returned once again
stemmed from familiar stirrings in the pit of my stomach
just when I think I've locked them in their black box for eternity
they break loose and begin the ascent
like long twisting fingers groping the vines of my heart
tightening, squeezing, forcing me to feel emotion
like a partner in crime-memories show up
and dance around me, tapping me, tripping me
hugging me, loving me, until one stands alone
there you are, standing, waiting, twenty years have passed
the warm embrace, the joyful reunion,
but life's cruel twist of fate would not allow it
you were taken from me, so many things left unsaid
so many moments left unshared, questions left unanswered
Oh Daddy dear, one day we'll meet again.

my sounds will penetrate your
skin, soak deep within
and begin a tuning.

my sounds will dig and bury
causing an infection
one that needs no healing
the sound of One.

the sound of love, of creation.
the sounds pound along
the waves, gliding along
the stage of life.
this play,
this sound game.
someone's mental ways.

my sound resonates with
you.
you hear me. you know its true.
we are vibrations
pulling together for the You.
for We, just to be anew.
this love game, creating
for beauty.

the sound a bird can make,
like the perfectly tuned
instrument,
the horn that sound makes.
the steps an ant takes, those whisper
steps.
shuffling quickly, walking the Earth.

sounds make everything, your voice,
the creator.
speak what you want and invite it in.
call in the love.
it awaits our reunion.

Is it really you?
I rejoice with this
Reunion
How long has it been?
Ages
Eons
Lifetimes ago
That resplendent smile carried so well
Whispers on the breeze,
bring this back
Illuminating without a doubt
I was carried away
I remain to this day
With each inflection
Every gesture
Absolutely!
Never gone away
I reminisce
At times with stress
The clock's laughing
Stern hands
Made me grimace
But only for an instant
No lingering duress
Indelible mark in my heart
I have missed you
Though we were never...
And will never be apart

Life is like an onion:
As each layer you peel,
You seek true reunion -
Closer with the real you.

Each life kills or cures you
From life's infernal ills.
Every man pays his due
Just as we do our bills.

Each man judges himself.
As he stares in the pool,
He thinks he sees an elf
Holding his worn out tool!

Every life should reveal
The nature of that soul...
We may try to conceal
How far we've yet to go.

We may lie to others...
But to ourselves be true!
Let's not judge our brothers!
Be mindful what we do.