Change

Verse 1
It starts right deep inside of me, a true grasp on identity
The present moment is the place to be, regardless of who's watching me
It’s plain to see, comprehensively, no real gain comes easily
Whether to the left or right of me, time in motion, truly free
To persevere is the truest reward, ride this train be truly on board
This right here to truly afford, come together, one accord
A single mind retrain able, good grades are attainable
Accomplish the impossible, you can be unstoppable
A single step to take, of directions moving on
Keep it moving in forward motion, articulate my song
With an aim of harmony, we can but soldier on
We must create a place, with a feeling to belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

There are challenges that are facing me, complex to simplicity
Teams move forward socially, share discussions vocally
To stand as one, it’s just begun
Separation can’t become
A team with victory truly won
A united cause, brought as one
Determination is the real deal, certified replacing the seal
Energy the people can feel
A new beginning, fresh appeal
A brand new chapter practical
Solutions that are workable
Greatness is achievable
Concepts are conceivable
A new journey to take, whether short or whether long
Keep on moving forward, embracing a new song
With amicability, we all will progress on
Let’s create a place, with a feeling to belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Chorus
There is ever present change, many thoughts to rearrange
Together we can change the world, let’s rewrite the page
There are many forms of strong, yet we all must soldier on
Together as one, together as one
For each and every fight, is a chance to so unite
Every lesson in the wrong, it can be rendered right
There is opportunity, be the change you want to see
Let’s set ourselves free, let’s set ourselves free
In time, beyond the impossible
Breaking through every obstacle
By faith from the intangible
Objects, they are exchangeable
Yet lives are irreplaceable
Real change is attainable

Verse 2
To offer forth a helping hand, notions yet to understand
To be welcomed in a foreign land, disharmony is sinking sand
It’s clear to see, comprehensively, operate more tactfully
With wisdom understandably, let the innocent be truly free
A greater love that can’t be defined, to comprehend the passage of time
Appreciation truly is mine, reverence beyond the sky
Of nature undeniable, progress transformational
Advancing the responsible, of wonderment sensational
A single step to take, cultivated going strong
Keep it moving in forward motion, can we all just get along
With advancing harmony, on a road that may be long
Let’s now create a place, with a feeling to belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Advancing with a point of view, discernment of what’s really true
Comprehension of what’s true for you, of new horizons to ensue
With a faculty of proficiency, movements of efficiency
With complex capability, time in motion, skillfully
Experience that can be applied, universal always onside
Letting go of innermost pride
Truthfulness, no need to hide
Application practical, let your goals be reachable
In him all things possible, passionately powerful
With awareness to awake, with weakness rendered strong
Keep moving in forward motion, articulate my song
With all tranquillity, uncover what is wrong
We can now create a place, with a feeling to belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Chorus
There is ever present change, many thoughts to rearrange
Together we can change the world, let’s rewrite the page
There are many forms of strong, yet we all must soldier on
Together as one, together as one
For each and every fight, is a chance to so unite
Every lesson in the wrong, it can be rendered right
There is opportunity, be the change you want to see
Let’s set ourselves free, let’s set ourselves free
In time, beyond the impossible
Breaking through every obstacle
By faith from the intangible
Objects, they are exchangeable
Yet lives are irreplaceable
Real change is attainable

Verse 3
Let actions be effectual, real change be perpetual
Creative with the intellectual, let guidance be instructional
Be rational, co-operational, shared ideas are practical
Measuring the mathematical, alignment formational
Aiming high reach for the sky
Given standards you can defy
With courage here the aim is to try
Moving forward, mystify
Far from the undesirable, feelings unreliable
Testing the improbable, reality is changeable
A bolder step to take, of directions moving strong
You can always go beyond the place that you came from
With realised clarity, we gain sense of the wrong
Let’s now create a place, where we can all belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Change may be uncomfortable, let fear be inexcusable
Steer from the reprehensible, payback is repayable
To so forgive, inexhaustible
Of oneness that is plausible, the broken rectifiable
Connected, relational
Associate and we can relate, don’t waste time, a pitiless state
Memories that we cannot retake, in position, get in place
Abundance that is plentiful, examples observational
Joyfulness obtainable, experience the seasonal
Of actions yet to take, we’re keeping the game strong
Keep moving in forward motion, wherever you came from
With avid harmony, we all will soldier on
We can now create a place, with a feeling to belong

Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Bridge

With mind-sets evolved, there is true insight
Let’s create a place, to truly shine our light
There is wisdom to release, to regain our inner peace
Together as one, together as one
Compassion in the land, with a heart to understand
A true united force, let’s lend a helping hand
With due simplicity, re-establish harmony
Let’s set ourselves free, let’s set ourselves free
True change may be uncomfortable
Yet it is unmistakeable
New steps that are approachable
Of thoughts from the conventional
Mindful and relatable
Hopeful and aspirational

Verse 4
To go beyond, no greater time, reclaim your light it’s time to shine
In relaxed mode we will decline, natural gems can be refined
Branch of the vine, be aligned
Masterpieces of design, purposed for potential prime
Stand in line, for such a time
Become a part of the solution, let’s create a revolution
Educate the institution, truly merge into a fusion
Reduce the confrontational, join the inspirational
Movement motivational, achieve the aspirational
The journey will be great, endurance may be long
Keep moving in forward motion, can we all just get along
With solid harmony, a team can become strong
Let's now create a place, with the option to belong
Of problems to be solved, of all the games to win
If the foundation is laid, by then we can begin
A sense of harmony, let's take the vision on
Let’s now create a place, where the people can belong


Let’s begin and start a new change
For in time we truly can change, subtle change, ample change, some folks just ain’t trying to change
Aim real high towards the change
Constant force, there’s always change
Release control with all the change
For yes in time we can truly change
Smaller change, greater change
So much here to rearrange
New concepts are hardly strange
Stand united welcome change
Restoration welcome change
Conservation bring the change
Re-establish forward change
For yes in time we will truly change

Chorus
There is ever present change, many thoughts to rearrange
Together we can change the world, let’s rewrite the page
There are many forms of strong, yet we all must soldier on
Together as one, together as one
For each and every fight, is a chance to so unite
Every lesson in the wrong, it can be rendered right
There is opportunity, be the change you want to see
Let’s set ourselves free, let’s set ourselves free
In time, beyond the impossible
Breaking through every obstacle
By faith from the intangible
Objects, they are exchangeable
Yet lives are irreplaceable
Real change is attainable

Written by Geraldine Taylor ©️

The light pollution
from the lives of little people
in the big city
reflects off the lowriding clouds,
the same way my knees reflect
in the little puddles
from the big rains.

It hurts my eyes to look up
without sunglasses,
hurts my lips to think of tasting
the subway oil that
drip
drip
drips

I speculate at the transformers,
part automatic, part people
in their pre-ripped jeans,
learning to get their Ns
to drive themselves away,
yarn trailing from their sweaters
like parade float streamers.

Citizens run so fast
to catch the early train home,
freefalling down the stairs  
breathing in the exhales
of the other racer’s exhaust.
Marking their triumphs
with participation ribbons.

The pacific pants at toes,
a puppy that only occasionally misbehaves.
Impatient for attention,
waves wagging back and forth,
up the imitation river,
past the downtown.
Kicking the sea wall with it's gravity boots.


The geese are on hiatus
until they can take back the city.
Making the drains overflow,
creating their own habitat,
they’ll strut their haughty markings,
distinguished from orcas,
away from any saline nonsense.

Were we to retrain the population
to turn blind eyes,
we’d be much more efficient,
stop wasting time contending
to society’s obsession
with documenting itself.
But then, what would we do all day?

Creating light pollution
must give immediate gratification.
Once all the lights are turned off,
the influence won’t continue,
creating a lack of permanence,
making our need to be remembered
seem trivial indeed.

the story went as though
she'd always known the sea
and trusted in its depth
to mellow any ill, caress her
open lovingkind as in a dream.
and dream she would upon the waves,
having settled into floating reverie.
she'd close her eyes and inhale being
there among herself caressing only
ocean, only breath, all sunlit space
to draw her earthly trials gently out.
softened beachside noise would fade
and let alone her ears to hear
the water oneness dipping clear
and deeper in the troughs, for distance
from the stranded holidays,
the beachy noise of seaside frills
and bear her boyancy to rest
in lilting motion, peaceful cresting sleep
atop an intercontinental,
earthsize water bed.
her trust profoundly spanned
the trans-atlantic rift
and any rift to set apart her undulating
ancient ocean mastery. moon
and sun were kneading vastly where
her snores were lost in starfish whispers balancing
the tidal volume set
to always fill and keep afloat,
or otherwise to wake in
sputters and a salty throat.
her body settles into swinging comfort
napping over waves so deep the shore recedes...
... what bright, kind, clarity cascaded in your dreams?
what heart you had, embracing open quiddity,
never sinking nowness breath alert in lucid sleep
and water surface mystic skyward shallow course?
to merfolk gazing up in wonderment
you limply crossed their bouncing sky,
just another flight of fancy in a world of mystery?
did you dream you were a whalesong
sphering out to carry sadness sonorously? did you
school the many impulse-thoughts to clump and flee
the jaws of time? did you bask in light
and find a shining womb of self
to nurture once again and labor out anew?
did gravity make sense to you?
i float sometimes and live that question true.
sleeping far you drifted out and out and in and out of view
and whistles drowned in gathered drama fear
'my grandma! my grandma!'
screamed my cousin at the lifeguard
sweating ******* and leaping over stroke to spash
into your side a breathless shouting mess for you to calm
and ask 'what's wrong?' and angle slowly back to shore
in fits of giggles, bubble laughter at commotion's reach.
they blink in crowds, standing herdlike on the beach.

and now you swim your last,
another summer day.
like any other i awoke
and fed you eggs, so soft
     (at first it wrinkled my nose),
but taste is strange, and slimy works
just fine sometimes,
like in the absence of teeth.
she never liked her dentures,
     (she said she couldn't taste her food)
and gummed her frozen dinner meals with a smile,
like it was the greatest thing in the world.
     (in fact she'd often say, 'that was the best meal i had ever had',
     and with a force that made me happy to suspend my doubt)
and who am i, judging
that which you select? your pills,
your diapers and your vote,
your shows, your nursery rhymes,
your crown manipulation,
your age?
i use abjection well,
as something not unlike a whetstone for denial.
performing daily rituals i abhor
i retrain and edit, revising social eyes:
dilapidated fictions, safer norms
and mores tailored to a loan
with interest from the self.

she didn't call herself a 'nudist,'
though she lived beyond the fence
living **** for decades saying
'i'll never leave, i love my home.'
we played dominoes 'til noon
'another kind of indoor game, one on a side'
her interpretation of my being there
changed soon, like my aversion
for the liquid yoke she buttered with a spoon.
our neighbors loved her and i,
and to meander down our path,
lay their towels and sit
like all there was to do was visit.
lunched,
she hobbles from her plants back to the sink,
and filling the cat dish, stands
century-old arms akimbo
in the doorway, with a sigh to wake the sun.
being of caretaking was never so fun.
holding hands i help her over roots,
around the rocky sections, through
the easy path and level now
she hobbles sure, the cane a decoration
for her pride at being old and young
at heart and quick at stories overtold
in grooves to satisfy the sense of time.
greetings shower us with beaming smiles,
inching to the sandy edge. denuding,
joining everyone, we stand engulfed
in air. modern digambar to don
a vaster cloth of letting be.
skinny dipping grandma, and me.
the water slips around
her fraglile skin, human driftwood
knotted with a smile.
a grand mother slipping through akashic cracks
to undiscover friends their seeing core.
they wonder at the shore
of hoary plight
and wonder on, once we're gone.

John O’Sullivan was an electrical engineer for Consolidated Edison for Forty years. He drove himself and his staff hard, and took pride in the smooth operation of his substation on the lower East side of Manhattan.  When a man like John, who proudly self-identified as a type “A” personality, decides to take a break it so often proves to be a serious if not fatal mistake.

In the summer of 2007, my cousin John took his wife, Margaret, on a rare vacation out of the country to the sun swept beaches of Aruba.  While a beach vacation was perfect for Margaret, who loved nothing better than to lounge in the sun reading her book, it was a form of physical and mental torture for her husband.  He grew restless lying beside her in the hot midwinter sun as his pasty white skin turned a robust red despite his constant application of sunscreen.

I will never be sure what precipitated John’s near fatal stroke on that vacation trip. It may have been a combination of too much alcohol and too much sun. It is even possible that he had mixed up his daily medications.  All I know is that when my cousin was air lifted to a State side hospital, he was suffering the consequences of a severe brain damaging event.

When I saw John in the hospital, I could see that he had lost most of the use of the right side of his body and that he was going to be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life. While he certainly recognized me and tried to smile and communicate as best he could with gestures and a wave of his hand he had lost nearly all his power of speech.

My college educated, urbane sophisticated cousin’s vocabulary was very much diminished by the cerebral accident and now consisted of one word: “Bang”. He made the most of his one word personal dictionary. He could, by variation in tone and inflection, make his one word sound like a greeting, a farewell, a warning, a curse or a need for intention.

The word “bang” could express a terrible wellspring of frustration.  John had spent most of his life in a position of command, first as a Marine noncom,, then as the chief Engineer who ran the substation that powered the lower part of Manhattan. Words, to him, were as vital as eyes were to an artist, ears to an artist or taste buds to a gourmoo.

Locked inside my cousin was the person we had formerly known. He was not like an Alzheimer’s victim whose mind had staged a gradual retreat from his body. Rather, I am convinced, he was being held prisoner within the folds of his damaged Parietal lobe.

From the first, there has been no question that he would never set foot in his old offices on E 14th Street again.  There could be no grand retirement party, just a quiet filing of his papers and the first payments from his retirement plan.  These were sufficient, along with his other investments, to provide him and his wife with a modest, comfortable retirement.  If not for the crash that swept the stock market in 2008, his stocks would have been sufficient to permit a healthy cousin John and his wife to tour the world. Now, in the shadow of the great recession, his remaining capital paid for the home health aides and medications that maintained his precarious existence.

Margaret passed on late in 2011, a problem with her heart, the attending physician said. I saw Cousin John at her wake, the chief mourner unable to express his grief.  I took his good hand and expressed my fellow feeling for his loss. My poor words of condolence were inadequate but he gave my hand a gentle squeeze and whispered “bang” which told me he understood. It was a gentle voice from somewhere out on the edge of sadness.

With Margaret gone, the primary responsibility for John’s care was taken over by his daughter Megan and her husband.  The family sold off the big old house in Yorkville and John moved in with Megan’s family in Pelham.  There his pension and savings paid for 24/7 nursing care and a physical therapist. It must have been a source of humiliation for this proud man, a Marine veteran of  the 26th Marine Battalion  who had  fought at Khe Sanh, to be laid upon a table and have his limbs moved by others to maintain their muscle tone in vain attempts  to retrain his surviving brain.

I last saw my cousin at the Fourth of July family picnic.  He had good color and displayed a healthy appetite. He really enjoyed the fireworks display on the East River. He said “Bang” repeatedly, with all the enthusiasm of a young child.

I got the sad news about John the day after Hurricane Sandy struck the New York area.  My cousin Megan was understandably upset and was blaming herself for allowing her father to watch the news on T.V.  He had become visibly agitated when Eyewitness news showed the Con Edison plant of E14th Street exploding and the lower half of Manhattan plunging into darkness. Megan said that Dad screamed “BANG” in a tortured voice, then slumped back into his chair and was gone.

I never did get to the services for Cousin John.  My own house was without power and heat and the gas in my tank was too dangerously low to risk the trip in those days immediately following the storm. I still think of my late cousin often, and when I do I toss a bootless prayer for him into the winds of Eternity. The substation on E. 14th has been repaired; The damaged homes ripped down or rebuilt and the reminders of the storm grow fewer and fewer like the surface of the sea grown calm in the wake of the storm.

When I sleep dreams please take head
I’m not accustomed to this speed
spliced with music art and ****
this rhyme a warning and a plead:
Many men look back at me
their eyes memorize silently
I trade in who I used to be
degenerating empathy.
Friends no more are there as well
waving constantly farewell
who they are now I can’t tell
heavy water stains still dwell.
Though no longer what you were
your name a prayer spoken unsure
Instills the fact there is no cure
clear direction- violent blur;
I am a man and I’m a boy
both utensil and a toy
immoral morals, high decoy
let flirt with death, young cold and coy..
So please I beg you, dreams of pain
let sleep consume me, peace sustain
let night air fill my broken brain
through the wind myself retrain
        Let me wade in water deep,
    let my faith forwardly leap
worry sow and disdaine reap

Troubled Poppies for Endless Sleep.

In the train
on my way
to another day
Another place
But now it's time
To get to a different space
If I can do it
Here below the Montana skies
Between you and I
But sometimes I am feeling
A little lost
A little unable
To make the connection
Or maybe even the desire
Or maybe my heart has grown cold
Cold like the snow
still clinging to the grassy horizons
Maybe I need you to warm me again
Woo me again
But wondering if my heart will receive it.
Sometimes I can step in a space
And sing of your grace
But it seems like when I lost everybody
I also lost you.

#chandredewet
#journeythoughts
#amtrakempirebuilder
#6March­2017

Those words were painful to hear when you told it
I don't know if you know it
Because I certainly don't show it
And won't bring it up in conversation
Only via written representation
Can I say it without hesitation
So here goes it...

You know you lied...
(To yourself mainly)
A total fabrication
One that destroyed my vision of someone sacred
Altered love to blind hatred without persuasion
From which I'm now trying to retrain
Because I've missed out on important days
That should've been filled with celebration

Why not just give me an honest and open statement?
Like what you asked of me from an early age...
Was it to minimise the ache?
To save face from something failed?
To create distance from the ways in which you assumed everyone would frame it?

Anyway
That's me saying it as plainly as I can say it
About the way that you behaved then
And maybe
Just maybe
What I've said here
Will aid you in
Bringing closure to anything remaining
So that each and every day
You can pave more of your way
In coming to terms with all the hating
That you seem to linger in after waking

Retrain the knife.
The mind it sweeps,
The velveteen,
With focals deep.

So sweet, the lay,
The houred beats.
So cut the day,
Without retreats.

Now chase your bliss,
With lust for life.
With hit and miss:
Retrain the knife.

so i ask you, sage,
in all sincerity

sage - one who has made mistakes, and would share
the fragrance of his lesson plan, his historic failures and the knowing that fear can never be defeated but it can be
                                   deferred and differed until lessened

and asks,
how to put aside
a ridiculous pride...a palpable fear

this I know -
and you yourself have answered:
when necessary, I have made my self an object of
Ridiculous -
and endured the ridicule
and loved
the laughter of the fools,
and harmonized both
for this trite
is the best they have,
know that sages have
                                    bested fear, but never can it be defeated

to let fly
the asking?

start with a looking glass,
perforce speaks the truth,
and the answering machine image, undeniably,
                                              is you.

easy?
no.
i have found no easy thing worth doing
or loving.
   i don't want ease
i want l o v e

love - the rush of trust, the release of the unconditional sharing    Can never happen till you
trust yourself to say,
                                I am afraid


that i would burn bridges for
a struggle of understanding
that will keep me alive and whole
a sickening rush
worth every sacrifice.

paralyzing terror
because nothing is due me...
nothing should be expected
so nothing can be misplaced
    misguided

EVERYTHING IS DUE YOU,
ROAR WITH ANGERED FRUSTRATION,
      AT YOUR FRUSTRATED REFUSAL
TO BE ANGRY AT YOURSELF.
      BEAUTY INSIDE OUT AND OUTSIDE IN,
EVERYTHING IS EXPECTED, AND GIVEN
       THERE IS NO HIDEY HOLE FOR YOU TO BE MISPLACED ~
BURN BRIDGES THOSE BRIDGES OF REFRAIN AND RESTRAINT!

COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!

restraint,
restraint!!!
yes?!
   yes.
that must be the answer.

for if not restraint,
  then earth shaking love.
and if the earth shakes
  people might get hurt.

and i might be one of them.

              restraint, restraint,
this is your refrain?
                 retrain, retrain,
I believe, can you not too?
                  believe in you,
can you not too?
                  hard knocks endured, loveless years, disgrace
and more to come, yes love soothes and coos
                  but who can love but those brave enough to
love themselves first?
                  but my refrain will never be restrain,
only
                  unbowed undefeated asking for
the more
                  you deserve

I drop the BASS on you in your own words:

cast out fear and man up.
or at the very least
pretend to do those things.
then you might
have something to talk about.

Its been too long.
Too long since I've felt this...
This feeling in my chest.
In my heart no doubt.
A desire. A crave.
To be with her again.

It was only  a day.
It was only a day!
This feeling now bleeds
and burns within me.
The silence is years of torture.
My fingers ache to communicate...
But I must retrain myself....


Am I insane?
Am I sick?
Perhaps...

But thing that is certain.
I want to see her again.
I want to hear her laugh.
Her smile, her presence.

Its been too long...

I SAID* I will guard my ways, lest I Sin with My Tongue* I will Retrain My Month with A Muzzle, while thy wicked are before Me* I was Mute with Silence, I Held My Peace even from Good* and My Sorrow was Stirred Up* My Heart was Hot within Me, while I was Musing, thy Fire Burned, then I Spoke with My Tongue* LORD Make Me to know my End, and what is the Measure of My Days that I may know how Frail I Am* Indeed, Thou have Made My Days as Hand-Breadths, and My ages is as Nothing before Thee* Certainly every Man at His Best State is but VaporSelah Surely every Man walks about like a Shadow, Surely they busy Themselves in Vain, thou Heaps-Up Riches, and does not know who will gather them* And now, LORD, what do I wait for.? My Hope Is In You.* Deliver Me from All My transgressions* Do not make Me thy Reproach of the Foolish* I was Mute, I did not Open My Mouth, because it was You who did it* Remove Your Plague from Me, I am Consumed by the Blow of thy Hand* When with Rebukes, You Correct Man for Iniquity, Thou make His Beauty melt away like A Moth* Surely every Man is VaporSelah  Hear My Prayer O LORD* and give Ear unto My Cry, do not be Silent at My Tears* for I Am A Stranger with You* A Sojourner* as all my Fathers were* Remove Your Gaze from Me, that I may Regain Strength, before I go away and an no more IJMN


Goodness n Mercy Shall Follow Ours All the Day Of Our Life IJM
GOD Is Our Strength
GOD Is Love
GOD With Us
GOD Bless
Blessed

Wherever I sit I die in exile From the life I never had The life of the body

Effects less than obvious And decidedly wrong Imaginary worlds breathe and stand And take a life of their own

A culture of I wish I was And an inner life to match My mind is set on the goal Though my feet stray from the path But I must retrain And find new shoes And walk away from this hell Of self-loathing doubt

James Dean died that year and Mother was in the loony bin as Father termed it but he wouldn’t take you or Joey to see her because he said There’s no point kids she sits staring at walls and talking to herself or gets abusive and comes out with the most choicest of words which I wouldn’t want you to hear and besides it’s too far for you to go on a weekend and you’d only get upset especially you Lizzie you’d be in tears before they shut the **** door of the ward and all those other drooling fools there and that was it you didn’t get to see her not a peek just what he said she did or said or didn’t say or do but you wanted so much to see her and have her touch your cheek and be home again and tuck you up in bed and tell you the stories that she used to do all sat up on the end of the bed reading from some book she had or making up stories right out of her head and you remember the time she sneaked you and Joey up some supper when Father said no you’d been bad and that you had to go to bed without any supper and be careful Christ didn’t send you to Hell and damnation but Mother brought the supper anyway and listened out in case Father came up but he never did he was too busy drinking or playing cards with the Smiths from across the fields who stank of ***** and sweat and laughed too loud and swore and smoke cheap cigarettes and so Mother’d sit on the end of the bed watching you eat and having that bright eyed look about her and that small smile she had when she thought you were happy but then she became odd and out of it and talked to people who weren’t there or went for long walks and got lost and the cops had to bring her back again and again and once she sat in the bath fully clothed saying she didn’t want Christ seeing her in **** or James Dean to touch her up with his ghostly fingers and so Father took her to see some quack who examined her and talked to her as best he could until she tried to gouge out his eyes with his pen and Father had to retrain her and hold her down on the floor until some auxiliaries from down the hospital hall came bounding in and suited her up in a jacket that tied at the back and you never saw her again after that morning with her getting into Father’s car with her dark eyes staring and two of her fingers giving an up you sign to the passing neighbours who stood open mouthed and tut-tutted and you and Joey watching the car go off and over the horizon like a crazy ship going out to sea with one lone captain and a wild eyed woman as his only crew and she looking back waving her two finger in the air at Joey and you.

The pressures are rising but also falling on my chest
I can’t get out from under the tide, I need a rest
Mistrust, miscommunications, misconstrued words send me over the top
The anger continues to build inside of me until it feels like my heads going to pop
Working it out through weights, sometimes that can help
I am losing control of everything, how do I deal with something I never felt
Money issues, past actions, future homecomings, it’s all a part of this course
Lost at sea, feeling like I am drowning, I am struggling back and forth
Can I keep my head afloat until help has arrived?
Can I retrain myself and my brain? How am I to survive?
I used to be so happy, the joker in all cases
Now there is nothing to smile about, all I see are ******* arab faces
I can’t stand these people and we are put here and cannot do anything about it
They can bomb us on the road or shoot mortars to our chu’s and we can’t do ****
I’d rather be judged by 12 then carried by 6 is something I think of everyday
But all the red tape ******* we go through, these terrorists lead the way
If you are going to send me to war, let me do my job
Come out into the sunlight and get away from the fog
You tell me to give another year of my life away to you and wear the uniform proud
I can’t even look you in the face, you’re a fake and ******* is all you allow
You send me out on missions every day and you sit there comfortable behind your desk
You come with us when there is a photo op so that you can get medals pinned on your chest
You won’t tell us when we are going home; it’s this big secret you like to hide
Think about the well being of the soldier and family, take a look down deep inside
Maybe you will find some integrity, some actions that match what you say
Maybe you can remember what it’s like to live the code of a soldier, now get out my ******* way.

I spent so much time revisiting the past
while failing to realize life is fast.

By dwelling in regret and sadness
I was blocking my appreciation of gladness.

The world is like my golden retriever
derpy and in life's wonders, a believer.

Each throw of the ball a new chance
every walk a sniffing smelling dance.

My brain and heart need to reboot
to be in the now and make the then moot.

Each new joy you appreciate
can make your sadness depreciate.

Mao Tse
Sorry you misunderstood
me, I didn't mean
to mislead

Mao Tse
you can be a world leader
by setting an example

Mao Tse
how 'bout cleaning
a ***** planet

Mao Tse
I hear your plea
but, you are heading
in the wrong direction
  

Mao Tse
over here
we have cars
that run on water
  

Mao Tse
they even cost less
then pollution makers
  

Mao Tse
popular mechanics magazine
gave us the plan [schematic]
more than a decade ago
  

Mao Tse
thank you for working
overtime to save the world

Mao Tse
we love your solar panels

Mao Tse
not enough time
to retrain thinking?

Mao Tse
oil men of greed
have destroyed us again

Mao Tse
oil and water don't mix

Mao Tse
you can not die
from spilling
the power of the wind

Mao Tse
did all of your pollution maker manufacturers er,
gas guzzling ISIS supporters
really bounce back
after less than one year

Really? Mao Tse
Really?
I'm sorry you had closed

your ears

I'm happy, I swear,
pretend to care,
Because I do,
It's what I pursue.

Life is ******, it's true,
But still it's life I pursue.
Wanting to start anew,
But you can't stop boiling a brew.

Twist my mind,
Make me kind,
Make me mean.
Let me go lean.

Treating life like a show,
Mind buried under 10ft of snow.
Because I'm expected to entertain,
Even when pain i retrain.

I'm happy I swear,
Life is never fair,
Can be drab without flair,
Will bore until you pair.

New born babies apparently spend most
Of their time doing nothing ,just being

Their parents on the other hand are likely
To be in a mad whirlwind of non-stop doing

Most of us only go into Being mode on holiday
It usually takes a few days for us to wind down

We hardly ever have the time to just be ourselves
Mindfulness is a way of redressing the imbalance

You can gently retrain your mind to accept just Being
Your mind needs to rest as well as work ,try just being

retrain your brain to really know what love is
its not about whats under your shorts but the feeeling you get
when you see them
and your stomach drops
and your world stops
and its not that theyre youre everything
but a hell of alot
*** is a yes
but gender does not matter
in my opinion, not your religion
love does not discriminate
despite that cliche
love is to anyone youd die to see happy
youd sacrifice something just to make them smile
because that makes you smile
its worthwhile
love is overwhelming and you feel wonderful and natural and free
and you feel like youre a cup being filled with soda thats about to spill over
but i dont care because thats what you mean to me

Recall the past
Refill the glass
Relive his lust
Regret his touch
Return to life
Remember strife
Regain your loss
Retrain your thoughts
Release all stress
Redeem all left

Reveal the fear...

Recall the past
Refill the glass
Remember life
Regret all strife
Regain your drink
Realize; rethink...

Recall the past
Spill out the glass
Think of his lust
Hold back his touch
Make most of life
Be rid of strife
Though full of loss
Think happy thoughts
Always battle the stress
But have some hope left

And no longer hold fear

convinced that i am wise, i wire
and rewire
and revise and revise
and just leave it
blank.
a blank is nice & empty.

and empty
is what i now disguise as comfort.
the more silence that i settle in,
the more places there are for us to hide.

convinced that i am sane, i train
and retrain
and retain and re-tame
my mind to ask for every thought served on ice,
because frozen is comfort, too.

it is solid
and it can be held and drawn,
and re-drawn
it can be sharp
and be the means by which i sever
any speech i string together.

because for now just words will do,
any words you like untrue,
will fit into this empty,
i’ve stretched to welcome you.

We chimpanzees proceed
With all available evidence

Oog said Ogg will attack
Bash Ogg’s brain; now!

Wait, Zegg said, we can’t do that
It’s against the chegg convention

Dash the convention!
Rescind what Zegg said

Restrain her, retrain her with
Extraordinary rendition

My petition for retribution
Is my absolute authority

Find Oog; restrain him
Waterboard retrain him

Truth through torture
Trogg exclaimed

Ugg saw all debasement
From Ogg through to Zegg

And what she exclaims
Remains ———————

What’s acted is redacted
And still remains the same

What If?
Brian never thought he would work in a call centre
When he lived in Germany he was unemployed
And while looking for a job he was forced to go
Work in a call centre and refused creating a fuss
I’m not selling insurance or loft insulation!
Put me on fork lift truck training it’s my job
Not some **** call centre 2 towns away

The stupid ***** running the training place
Offered to buy Brian a bicycle and he laughed!
You silly ******* cow retrain me on fork lifts
I need to renew my outdated licence
Not work taking calls like a fool robot
Half a decade passed and Brian
Ate his words working in a call centre!

What If?
Brian never thought he would work in a call centre
When he lived in Germany he was unemployed
And while looking for a job he was forced to go
Work in a call centre and refused creating a fuss
I’m not selling insurance or loft insulation!
Put me on fork lift truck training it’s my job
Not some **** call centre 2 towns away

The stupid ***** running the training place
Offered to buy Brian a bicycle and he laughed!
You silly ******* cow retrain me on fork lifts
I need to renew my outdated licence
Not work taking calls like a fool robot
Half a decade passed and Brian
Ate his words working in a call centre!

The end is never the end and steps become stages.
Neuro-transmissions engineered at birth are
erroneous pathways deepened over time.

Retrain the brain they say, neuroplasticity
a new age of hope, but pathways are abyssal
and unscalable, and time is running out..  

And what is life's purpose
When your deepest chasm is fear?

Therapy teaches to live in the moment
Experience keeps me seeking atonement

Those places to go to for calming the mind
Are fleeting, elusive and redundantly non effective,
Losing their ability to heal, so few to rely on!

Like a tiny window in a prison cell,
Only a little light is let in but not too often, transient,  
Crossing your face for a moment but then gone.

More so a reminder
Of what might have been
Or may never be.

Mountains can't be climbed with moments.

Dreams dissolve quickly upon waking,
The harder you try to hold them
The quicker they are gone.

I wonder if they are real at all.

Small victories in a multi-faceted war
Do not define sobriety.

More demons to conquer

The worst for last perhaps unbeatable.

Happiness,
Happy mess
Is it Something we chase
Maybe there’s something more real
That we must face.

Why is it
When We feel sadness
We feel pain
We feel alone,
Like no one knows.

We count our thorns
While the world sees us a rose.

Unfold.

I push,
Then I pull
Directionless, getting ahead of ya
But there's a path for us all,
Devil in one hand angel in my soul
Stereotypical
I can see myself falling
But i keep going
As if I dont know betta,
Ohp im going under.

Another line,
Another smoke,
Itll numb ya up.
Oh baby, We’re just having fun.
You’re just catching up.
Too late. Now you're in.
Devil welcomes you at the door,
Now you'll be thinking about me,
And ill bring you to your knees.
How do you get more,
I’m the one you adore.

**** your relationships,
Ya need me, you see.
Life would be too plain,
And I’m the one to save you from your pain.

Addiction is not your friend
Your only a slave to
your ****** head.
So run while you can
Before your stuck
the realms of darkness
Emptiness
Expressionless

I look inside,
heart full of gold
A soul that wants to go home.
A body that wants to be loved,
By me.
But,
I tend to want the one that doesn’t want me.
Stupid psychology.
Thanks mom, thanks dad,
Is this what love is supposed to be?

Gotta retrain my brain
Into knowing what's actually good for me
It isn’t that easy
raised in a house full of
Neglect, dysfunction and misery.
You think that’s love.
But I can hear from the depths inside of me,
Love doesn’t do this,
Love sets you free.
[of entropy consuming which breathes]

Broken doors, broken glass.
I guess it aint that bad.
[Hes only just half mad
When full glass been gotten gone]


Could've been me.
[Peace enough to let the frame free]


k.c