"philophobia" poems
It doesn't matter how hard I try
I never seem to get away
Cause after all you did to me
I fear these feelings will always stay
*Your lies I believed were the truth beneath
The pain recedes but the heart bleeds
My instincts were right all along
I’m just a part of your love song*
You see, I live my life in fear
Fear I won't succeed
And every small critique I get
Makes me once again recede
*My Iloveyous to you were inevitable
Like the sun emitting his ardor
Despite the moon in slumber’s nocturne
He shines brightly with fervor*
I live my life, always afraid
That I am not on the right path
And if I take one small misstep
I'll have to face somebody's wrath
*Time consumes me while I waste it away
Like grains of sand as I clenched and ran
Only to lose it
Again and again*
I am eternally scared
That all my judgments are wrong
And if I ever meet someone
They'll only like me for so long
*But then I met you out of the blue
You were trying to forget someone too
We sparked like fireworks in the night sky
But the fire burnt out and our colors faded hue*
I live my life in constant fear
I fear that you were right
I simply am not good enough
And I will not be alright
*Thank you for proving me right
That we were not meant to be
How could you love another light
When I was the one your darkness pleased*
But even worse than all these things
Is my terror that someday
I will meet someone else like you
And not be able to get away.
*You complete me
&*
You destroyed me
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 2:38 AM UTC
Falling.
they say that it’s exhilarating
like a fast car at midnight
cheeks aching from
the grin that couldn’t be held back
warm fingers laced between
the imperfections
forgotten
and yourself
found.
But
what if the car
crashes
and cheeks become tear stained
cold hands holding your own head
heavy with thought
and memories
lost and
broken.
I suppose
I’m yet to find a
fall
that seems worth all the
what if’s.
Feb 1, 2015
Feb 1, 2015 at 2:16 AM UTC
I'm afraid to love you
For people always seeking new
I'm not telling that it is you
Just old things treasured by few
Everything is good as blossoming flower,
Could we make it fresh in forever?
I couldn't risk what is left of me
Unsure of the love you promise
Don't get me wrong, we feel the same I know
Fearing to lose the love once more.
Sep 1, 2015
Sep 1, 2015 at 8:58 PM UTC
i loved you to the extent
where i would swear upon myself
if you didn't exist in my life
it would be living hell
you showed me it was mutual
but i don't believe in actions without words
'cause what are actions for
if they support nothing
i continued to love you
to the point where it would hurt
where a little pain
in the heart would spurt
one day all of you vanished
and i was left to wonder
what's to become of us now
without you leaving anything
i can't even explain
how hell it is compared to before
i don't blame you for losing me
i blame you for making me scared
scared to fall in love all over again
Feb 12, 2014
Feb 12, 2014 at 10:11 AM UTC
Sunrise and tide were getting brights,
He was heading somewhere,
She didn't even know as well,
Accidentally stopping on the shore,
Hoping she didn't mind, and more.
Tipsified by that kind of exhilaration,
Seeming steady to erase their philophobia,
They opened up their hearts full of passion.
Expecting to be forever on the same shell,
To live their shared dreams full of lights,
Letting the waves sing them where to go...
Jun 16, 2015
Jun 16, 2015 at 7:53 PM UTC
i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.
Jul 29, 2014
Jul 29, 2014 at 2:16 AM UTC
The fear of love
Dreading the aftermath
You can't predict
r
Oct 29, 2013
Oct 29, 2013 at 11:33 AM UTC
I hate that almost half
Half of all marriages
end in divorce
Divorce that leaves
at least one of the two
in complete shambles
begging for help
on the bathroom floor
I hate that 70%,
More than half
of all men, admit
to cheating on their lady
the lady they once
loved so deeply
left to wonder,
Am I not enough?
I hate that 4 million
ladies experience bruises
on their beautiful bodies
from their so-called lovers
Leaving the girl, broken
And scarred for life
I hate, that I'm
Scared
No, terrified
Of these possibilities
But most of all,
I hate
Absolutely loathe
That I don't hate you
In fact,
It's the complete opposite
Oct 2, 2015
Oct 2, 2015 at 5:47 PM UTC
It's hard.
I was afraid to love.
Then i loved you.
You made me happy,
I wanted to stay alive.
Then you broke my heart,
And I started to cry
But now you can see,
What was left of me.
Why I'm so afraid to love...
Nov 16, 2015
Nov 16, 2015 at 3:11 PM UTC
i wasn't ready for you
and i knew you weren't ready for me.
i was scared to show you the mess between my ribs and the hurricane inside my head. i was afraid you'd cower and run.
but they say time, time is the true narcotic for pain
and they were right.
because now i am more than willing to cut my heart open knowing it would only bleed your name
i am willing to tear every layer of my skin to show you what i'm made of.
everything that makes me, me.
my scars, my fears, my hopes and my dreams
my "night pieces" ; the pieces i only share with the moon.
i will show them all.
because i want you to know that i am not perfect
(i am tired of trying to be)
i am a storm beneath flesh and bones
i am made up of tiny cracks and holes that could never be filled
and they are what makes me whole.
i will be your biggest tidal wave.
but darling, if you accept me for everything that i am
and everything that i'm not,
i promise to love you like you've never been loved before.
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 6:22 AM UTC
It feels like my head is at war with my heart.
Thoughts roaming free,
While feelings imprisoned in my chest.
Contained in a cell surrounded by pain,
pinned to the ground being abused and tamed.
Driven' insane by the memory of your kiss,
Because I know I'll try to keep myself from the sweet taste of your lips.
Your fingerprints left behind on my skin,
from a crime that we couldn't find the time to fully commit.
When your hand parted with mine,
My fingers had never felt so lonely.
As if you dug up some hidden pain I repressed without any remorse.
Too many secrets shared while we were dazed,
Hoping you'll forget mine,
But each word of yours I seared in my brain.
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 11:40 PM UTC
i want to exist in a place where the softness i feel for you isn't
something that terrifies me. or a place where the fear of that softness
don't exist at all. i mean that in the best way possible-- a place where
the light in your eyes isn't quite so blinding. because it's love but it's
not earth-shattering and it's love but i keep falling sleep and dreaming
about you leaving or i wake up and think about you loving me. it's love
but it's terrifying. maybe it wouldn't be if we existed in a place where
i don't get my heart broken every time. but people make the same choices
over and over and the only thing i can do is hope it turns out alright this
time around. you make my heart a place of sunlight and i can't help but
think that was your intention this whole time. angels always come to
earth with a purpose. and i always do this, i say things i mean and i
have to explain them. and don't we give out our hearts over and over
every time someone asks us to? and you didn't even have to ask me.
like i said, every time. i give and give and it's always too much and i
don't mind being told i'm overwhelming. so it's 3am and i'm thinking of
you again and i'm me but i'm not me and the world feels so small when
i consider all the other planets out there. and i wonder if the moon
understands how hard it is to feel something that's love but not love and
never be able to describe it properly and i wonder if she ever feels
like a handful, too. i don't think i'm qualified enough to say i love you and
even if i was i don't know if i would but the sun rises every day and it
reminds me that i'm not supposed to be able to put these feelings into
words. and then it's 6am and i'm still thinking of you and i'm starting to
realize i always will be and yeah, i'm ****** but so are you, sweetheart.
i can curse my exes time after time but i can't pretend like they didn't
leave me for a reason but i can tell you i still haven't quite figured out why
but maybe you can explain it to me. i won't be surprised if it's something
you can figure out before i do. it's a sad night and there's always going
to be a boy that can't be good and he stays that way his whole life. boy
can't keep his mouth shut, boy can't help but start to love you, can't help
but panic at the thought. and that's all there is to it. the soft place only
exists in the universe where i can pretend the way i feel about you isn't
a gut-wrenching panic attack waiting to happen because the fear really
won't ever go away. but maybe you can prove the fear wrong instead
of me trying to convince myself it won't cause an earthquake.
Jun 11, 2018
Jun 11, 2018 at 7:14 PM UTC
The snaking sensation
starts in my toes
leaving my feet cold
from its icy veins.
It tightens
at my stomach
turning my food into
knots of venomous irritation.
One slither more
will bring it to my chest,
where it strangles me
lifeless.
Jul 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015 at 11:22 AM UTC
I want to throw off
the cloak of “trying to impress you.”
it’s gotten so
heavy
soaked with my insecurities
and self-loathing,
always snagging
on thorns and skeletons and the
remnants of broken hearts.
I want to shatter
the bottle that held my tears
shed over not being good enough.
Pour my philophobia
into a sea that never dries up.
It’s all salt water anyways.
I want to compose
a cacophony of all the voices that sung
“you’re fake” -- “ugly” -- “worthless” --“unloved” --
into my ears
and then burn the sheet music.
Destruction…
never felt so good.
Jul 10, 2013
Jul 10, 2013 at 1:16 PM UTC
I have a fear.
It’s something called “philophobia”,
The fear of falling in love.
Some may say that love is a blissful experience,
But I know better.
I see the people surrounding me,
All that fell in love one way or another.
My mother, who fell for a cheater.
My sister, who fell for a lowlife.
My best friend, who fell for the one that could never reciprocate.
I see them hurt and fragile,
Love doing them no good.
They’re on an emotional roller coaster,
Going high and low,
But never coming to a stop.
I fear of ending up like them,
Weak at my emotion’s hands.
So I keep my heart guarded,
For love is something I do not welcome as freely as others..
May 8, 2013
May 8, 2013 at 2:05 AM UTC
It's called Philophobia.
It's the fear of loving or being in love.
I believe everyone has been a victim to Philophobia
especially if their hearts have been broken too many times.
Heartbreak makes you wiser.
Apr 5, 2013
Apr 5, 2013 at 9:19 PM UTC
Uneasiness drifts in, with the subtle lack of beauty. Drift wood, late night thoughts.
Doubt, does he love me, does he love me not.
Trying to row ashore in an already sinking ship,
Already drowning, in what. A tidal wave, or true love. My brain floats away, stuck between two rocks, I keep my heart above the water. Hoping I'll be able to breath. Anyone can leave, at any given moment. There goes my leg, down the the current.
Apr 5, 2015
Apr 5, 2015 at 12:34 AM UTC
Thought I saw the rolling storms
In the dustbin clouds. Thought I
Heard ghouls moaning through
Their wandering shrouds.
Felt something stirring
Deep deep
Beneath the Sea.
(Maybe It was the titans calling out to me)
My world seemed to shake and shriek
With a pressing voice that rang out
"For evermore,
For evermore".
Whether It was a whimper, or the
Passing of a lush...
Whether It was through a thicket, a
Mountain, or a
Touch
Or whether it wasn't
Any sound audible enough
To hear-
Haunting some hollowed ground where it seemed to appear.
Through the creaking In the floor, and
The quiet of the well...
(Where your hair stands up when your heart strings bell)
The words don't sit quite right
And you disagree...
(When the mere mention of something seems terrifying)
Imploding bombs of atomic construction
Seem to go off and bruise their function;
Miscellaneous hands
Grappling, pulling,
Letting go;
Reaching for solace for evermore,
For evermore.
When the strawberries have rotted
And the bluebells withered up
When a shivering lake of frost descends on my cup.
When the sadness figures inconspicuous,
Behind tall wall'ed towers,
When no-thing tangible seems real and
Nothing impermanent seems to matter.
Longing for when the leaves swing like a cyclone,
(High beyond the trees)
Where the willows thrive and
The moonshine bleeds;
Till through some epiphany
Like the dawn we finally see,
What beauty In the broken be...
If not beside you and not within me.
Jul 4, 2015
Jul 4, 2015 at 3:22 AM UTC
I have fallen into the pit.
And as I stretch my arms and hope for wing I remember I am no angel. Flailing through the air I hold my breath denying the loneliness in that hangs there. I am not lonely! I scream in my head though the only thing that passes my lips are the silent sobs and gasps of the tears that streak my face. The pit is not silent. You would think with no one around there would be no words but the voices in my head say differently. They pick my every flaw. They strip me of my hope and inhibition and it is they who pointed out my lonely pit. They where the ones who pushed me into the pit in the first place, after all.
Monophobia. Philophobia.
Together they morphed and created a pit for me to fall in. And they mock as I begin to hope for a rescuer, I have to wings and they pit has no end. I want to be saved but I do not want to fall in love. It hurts too much.
Tired of being alone and too afraid to try to fall in love I stretch my arms out on more time.... As the pit takes over my heart....and pretend wing spring from my back. The feathers are onyx black and i know better than to try the fly.
The pit has consumed me
and I have embraced its darkness.
Feb 9, 2015
Feb 9, 2015 at 1:09 PM UTC
Philophobia (sonnet 14)
Last night I left my thought at the doorstep of her eyes.
The fear of her being with another guy.
I will wait! no more step to another girl’s heart.
For no one is better than.
The next day I couldn’t remember the thought.
I rang the bell twice and the echo answered the door.
I watched the mountains kissing the heaven,
I saw the fountains spying the river.
longing my mind to another level,
And the waves clasped one another.
Love after love I saw my beloved,
No more wandering lonely in lust,
my soul will not quench even when my feeling is out of sight.
I love you from the depth of my heart
Inamorata
Dec 29, 2018
Dec 29, 2018 at 3:41 AM UTC
she feels the absence of anyone touching her,
imagines what it would be like to have
that pretty boy
touch his velvet lips to hers,
imagine what it would be like to feel
his magic rub off on her
to have his words
circulate in her head until she's drunk off his poetry.
she knows
this will never happen,
knows he will soon see into her abyssal soul
realize the cuts run deeper than the ones on her wrist,
realize her storm is
a bit too wild for him.
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018 at 1:29 PM UTC
Love.
Such an intense feeling.
Such deep affection.
So deeply romantic.
The ****** attachment.
The pleasure.
But is it wrong to fear?
To hide from such feeling.
Have you noticed the pain it brings?
Oh, how it hurts.
How it breaks you.
But it is intriguing....
That I just might try to love something.
May 13, 2018
May 13, 2018 at 1:12 AM UTC
My heart is very fragile
So I kept it from your love
Aug 22, 2020
Aug 22, 2020 at 1:38 AM UTC
It was a time like this that I thought I knew you.
We were, always talking about something..everything and sometimes nothing at all.
With every smile it took a while for me to acknowledge your efforts. To accept that you wanted my laughter, you yearned for my happiness.
Looking back, I envy those who love without fear. The ones who welcome the fall and those who chase it.
Jul 6, 2017
Jul 6, 2017 at 2:13 AM UTC