I'm just trying to do what I love.
but I have to survive in the process. I've already worked 9 to 5 until I died.
My literal graveyard shift has been going on for almost two years.
all my options now will just be backpedaling. But I told myself that I would never go back.
To live a life of constant worries, with empty stomachs and vision blurry.
I put all my faith into these empty dreams and tried to live a childhood fantasy.
But I haven't gotten anywhere in nineteen years.
And most the time I wonder,
"Why haven't my kids from the future come back to visit me. or at least warn me about what wasn't meant to be..."
Because nobody ever told me I would lose the five people I called my best friends. Nobody ever told me that being a good guy and telling someone they're a ******* fake right to their face would bite me in the *** one day.
I'm still waiting for karma to rip off their limbs and beat them to death.
But it hasn't.
Somehow I don't think it ever will...
Because I realized that no matter how terrible someone is inside,
That won't effect their soon to be rich and famous life.
And no matter how many times I do the right thing, I'll still get another knife protruding from my body.
My real nickname should be Julius Caesar.
But the worst thing of all is that "Good" is just a point of view.
It's not tangible in the slightest...
And maybe that point of view has blinded me from what's really going on.
So maybe I'm Brutus...
Maybe the reason I let the bubbling magma that is my anger burst in the faces of others is because I know I will never pole vault over the bar of expectations my parents have set.
Filing claims of "I had a job at fourteen, since they WERE fourteen"
Well it's a new age, and depression hits in different ways.
And maybe the reason why I let my sadness grip my ankles and drag me below the earth's crust is because In the seventh grade I asked Mary if she wanted to be my girlfriend and all her friends laughed at me. She then proceeded to respond with "I hope you're not mad"
... It was valentines day.
So then a girl finally notices me, only I pass down the empty box labeled "Rejection" just as it was passed down to me.
I always try to find a different way of putting things.
To look artistic, or have some form of character
But that's not true.
Because I had to became a thief of Shane's style to even write this **** poem.
And my character is still being sculpted out clay in the supply room of the art class that you kissed me in.
I don't even exist yet...
So here are two fact's about life
Number 1. There will always be someone who is better than you at something
and Number 2. Nobody is original.

Keep your head above the water
while they drown in the under-toe.
Take a breath,
the salty air stings your lungs.
The waves are coming,
swim for the shore.
Too late.
The waves overtake you.
Come up for air,
spit and gasp.
Where are you?
They're calling for your help,
drowning below you,
trying to pull you down.
Just breathe.
Swim with the flow of the water.
Feel the sand beneath your feet.
Keep your head up,
freedom is in your fingertips.

why are you so angry? IT'S ******* ME OFF!
CAN'T YOU JUST BEHAVE?! it's driving me crazy.. >>

trash on everything and anyone and all your past and all our futures,
trash your eyes before beholding beauty? can't you see it outside of yourself?
do you not want to believe it's there? are you that ugly inside? what are you reflecting?
all you do is trash on this and that and that's not all my eyes are opening for,
so if i should listen to you
my friends,
listen to me too, it's all ugly and especially you, OK! i'll admit, so am i.. <<
but remember, without ****, there's no sprouts...if you couldn't poo, you'd be much more a shady hue, brown and blue....remember that trees and grandparents decay, that maggots and fun guys spoil the evening's soup...

do you smell that? ew...right? nasty, don't go near it...let the beatles and garbage men handle all your stinkless
****, flushed and forgotten....you know what? you're why the world is trash, yicky stanks...stop pointing, stop staring, stop wondering and complaining....it's you too :} now don't you just feel so much better you rotting carcass of fruit?

Grasping greedy claws for brilliance
nicotine, alcohol, smoke
trying to choke out brilliance
through these substances
variegated like a jangling ring of keys
to an enlightened door.
But the more I try to **** down
each little chemical, I feel
emptier, drained
and my strained imagination
leans on reality for support.

And I tell  myself that there is always time,
another tomorrow like a promise
or an I.O.U.
and that shining tomorrow will be
so effortlessly new
drenched in drugs
and sweat
and nostalgia
and I'll be present
and there
and full,
pulling on the sleeve of the almost known,
the call that could reach my phone.

And tomorrow I'll be thin
and weight as much as
smoke.
Tomorrow all those lies I spoke
will be true, and my selfish wants
will no longer be daunted by
my crippling doubt.
Tomorrow will be without error or pain
or disappointment, or that same monotony.
Tomorrow, that cool spring morning, will renew
Trust me, and forget the truth.

3:15 AM
And I'm searching for meaning
I'm ******* searching for meaning
Drained exhausted
But I still got 'bout 3 more chapters to study
And I don't want to study
Cause I'm searching for meaning
It would be easier if this meant more for me
I secretly wish I didn't have these blessings
Cause I'm searching for meaning
I'm not convinced ..
How lame is that
I'm not convinced .
I hate that girl in the movie that keeps falling
The emotionally ****** up
Keeps ******* up
Wants attention
Wants help
dependant
She keeps falling
And I keep falling
I hope I'm not that character
want to be the badass that grew cold and strong
But it seems like I'm growing weak
The future is soo bleak
It's like I'm playing hide and seek with myself
I keep disappearing on myself
Like where did I go
I used to be so strong
So hopefull
My horoscope says im the most optimistic sign    
They must be lyin'
Cause you know that feeling
When you just wanna stay sad
You don't want to get over it cause it's hurting you that bad
Now where's the optimisim in that ?    
Feels like I'm a crumbling soul    0
I've grown so bitter and so old
I'm creating drama
That's what my mom says
My sign says I hate drama
Lol
They must've mistaken my birth date
Let's just hope tomorrow I find me again
Cause I'm starting to enjoy the pain
and I don't even seem to be good at writing poems anymore
Must be goin insane ..

Optimism means looking at the dark
And seeing a brighter side.
Looking for a better outcome
From the waste that has been my life.

When I woke up that day
And told myself that I had
Had enough of the dark,
That I would venture into
The light with dignity.
I did so under false pretense.

Much like I do with everything.
I thought that I could shed this outer layer
Of filth and decay and become new.
But that is not the nature of dark things.
All I did was burn every *******
Bridge I had ever built.

But hey, it gets better right?

She asked: "if your personality was a beverage, what would it be?"

"Well..." I said.
"it'd be smoothe going down. Or at least I like to think so.
It'd be sweet. But,
You know how there's like two types of sweet?

There's like the fruity sour, tangy, bright, sugar sweet?

And there's the malty, caramelly, chocolate, foggy sweet?

It'd be later kind of sweet.

It has a certain childish joy too it.
An optimisim, a simpleness,
like... chocolate milk.

But it has a punch.
And it isn't all, childish, it's also
Responsible,
Protective,
Passionate,
Bold,
Loving,
Hard,
Strong hearted,
Mature, like...

...Whiskey.

I'm like... Whiskey Chocolate Milk."

they say that darkness is a nonexistent matter and is only the absence of light but what i know of is that darkness is consuming. it makes you whole with emptiness. makes you feel safe in your solitude. and solitude is not always peaceful if your mind is a universe of it's own. if your mind is at war with your heart. if your mind holds infinite chains of thoughts, no one's interested in knowing about, thoughts with no one willing to understand them. but for far too long, i've believed that what you cant change you should learn to accept. so in solitude, i was content or convinced myself to be..
i met you though, and let me tell you that no light can ever shine as bright as you do. and you don't just shine baby, you glow. you'd enlighten the universe with just half a smile and one glimpse of those eyes i adore. you'd eliminate the indifferences of this **** world with how your mind works and how your thoughts form. i've never known of sympathy and kindness before i knew of your existence because they've always been in the form of you. purity ceased to exist before you took your first breath, and with every breath you take this trait nurtures. and with the privelege of knowing you? i'd never welcome solitude again, never before you have a persons company felt so heart warming, so safe. i'd close my doors to darkness and despair and welcome all you bring with your existence from hope and optimisim. darling, words will never express enough but i'll write you daily if it'll help you love youself. for writing about you is always something i enjoy. i never believed in the concept of heaven until i met you, for angels need their imposing home. what have i done to deserve someone as beautiful as you are? and yes you're beautiful. i want this word carved into your thoughts. baby, poets spent ages trying to write something that can amount to your beauty and yet nothing can measure up. i love you, i really do.

I'm not dead yet,
But I will be soon.
And still,
I am waiting
To
Live.

Pessimisim is not ay Tool
but it can become ay crutch.......
There is an ultimate value in Optimisim
it will become ay future....its own future
Allmost like being young

I have been in this state for quite some time
The state of not being able to feel a thing
No emotion whatsoever
Joy, glee, optimisim
Fear, anxiety, pessimism
None of those at all
To feel at least one of those would be a relief
One that can not be decribed
It just lets me know that I am still alive
However I have been void of everything
Tis utter hell to be honest
But alas she has brought it out
The one who I admire the most
My moon, my sky, my sun
Has finally made me feel something
She was able to make me feel again
Letting me know that I am not just some...
Emotionless fool
It is just too bad however
That the feeling was self hatred

Dreaming doubters of unheard words,
A wind in the trees has startled the birds,
And insects cower from cold in the grass,
But the barflies at least have beer,
And nothing to fear till the midnights past.

You sad fool.
You drunken fool.
You make me melancholic.
This optimisim of yours;
I  wonder how you will survive.

This world is voracious.
It is a dragon, which does not speak
my dear boy.
Hungry.

And all of of it’s young
Are the greatest woman
In this world.
And only a few men.
They are the children of this dragon, which does not speak.
They speak for it.
If you listen.

I met one of her children.
Her eyes were made of Tsavorite.
Her tongue: of mercury.
She flapped her wings.
And I was a her slave.

She looked at me with Vulcan eyes.
That created something within me.
A heart.
That she sought to destroy.

I was her pawn.
Her chess piece.
But she favoured me.
For I had crossed the board.
Through gambits and feasts
To become the queen.

But I was only a piece.
And I thought I knew it at the time.
That the dragon
At any time
Would melt me
Be it glass or wood.
I was always under her command.

But she favoured me.
I was, for her power.

If only
Stepping off the board
Meant
I would not be glass
I would not be wood.

I would be of scales
And flesh.

For her
Which I am
(but not with her)

I will be the queen amongst the pawns
The knights
The bishop
The rook
And the king.

But a chess piece
To the dragon.

So maybe I need to sacrifice myself
Be a gambit
And fall.

Maybe I will transform
As I did from a pawn
To a queen.

Then maybe
I will be more than just a piece.
I will be a dragon.
And I will be hers
And she will be mine.

And the game will be over.
And we can shake hands.
For we know that the beginning
Was only
“Pawn to 4E.”

Checkmate.