Clarifying failed. Spelchek is not on strike.

{clear ification, an ionic bond be tween me and thee,
alienated mind, not mined, crafted
from tactics and strategies
beyond chess.
Player One,
1980's era
jewish-geek-mid-pubesence-kid-level,
proceed with caution.
This trope has trapped many a curious child.
---
Now, enter the old ones,
Grandfather taught uncle chess so well
he went to the state tournament in Kayenta,
and a grandma was
state-champ-bare-bow-in-the-rain-shooter,

these, now must learn

minecraft on x-box to be considered
for the real life role of

good at games grand parents
from the time right after atom bombs kicked up dust
places dust had not been in a very long time and
as the dust began to settle

some dust mights was cationic.
Negative bits, they became embedded in the code.
Bumps, fering, coming together
just a knot in a string,
attracting anionic curiosity might

round and round phorward ferring to be
a thread to tie my heart to yours

like twisted Pima cotton thread,
that I pulled from an old sweatshirt
to tie a crow feather in this paho of words filled with old jokes

Making this clear would belie the entire story AI and I know true}

truth is. we agree. no capsokehspaceasneededcommasetal.
caps okeh space as needed commas et al
go.
Did that work? That line

subject of this act fact done, agree to follow,
and I may lead and be

not you, me, dear reader, I mean first true

there is no any if nothing is. So simple some say its sublime beyond the spectrum of ones
and zeros thought on off probably

either or any time time can be accounted for

wouldn't you take a

thought,  nothing,
as it is commonly said to be understandable,

the state of not being, imagine that

the state of not being we negate in being,
unless you are mad and are lost in a whirlwind
such as such voices have been said to

have twisted into threads as
wicks for our lamps
turn floating on
golden oil twisting
wickered into wickering wee shadow fibers
on the western wall for legends to sprout from.

Wickering mare over there, expands us both by my hearing her
you had no idea she was near enough to hear
time is no barrier in actual ever.
What phor can contain me,
whispered my whimsy

Imagine she spoke,
what would she say for what reason
would she say

good good good, I feel good, ha,
I am right, by accident. ever body can feel this good.

good is good.
good is.
Sam Harris, agrees, good as far as good goes, is good
in every vecter from now

the terrain does exist, beyond the moral landscape, to

true true
trust me, I been there.
Been there done that was inserted into the vernacular on my watch,
first summer post war.

matter must not matter as much to me as it does to thee, nestypass? no se?

All jewish boys have chess move metaphors.
(a phor is for containing,
bearing
meta,
everybody knows, like metaphysics,
after physics in the stack of stackable metadata)

OHMYGOD THE IDW circa 2018 -- who knew I ate this **** up?

[the old code calls for excretion of digested material
from which meaning has been extracted in the idleword accounting processor:
literal
<pre>what if utterance=****, then **** haps, no else then</pre>]

Did that happen? One of my friends told me that happened in Florida, the whole world turned to ****... for lack of a nail a kingdom was lost, they say, little foxes spoil the grapes,
hung chad ex
cuses...

Pre-expandable ROM, not magic. tech,

pre-infinite imagination? impossible.
and nothing is what is impossible with good as god.

Is there no perfect game?
is the game the session or the life of the user
offline

rerererererererererereroxotoxin, poison pen
ideal viral umph exspelliered
up against the wall

reset. We

kunoon albania omerta oy vey, who could say?
one way better, one way not? quark.
up or down, with variable spins, who can say?

Life's right,
yes. but mo'ons of other something must have been for higgs to ever matter

and it does, I got commas, from 2018.

Are you with me? This is that book I told you I had access…

You or some mind other than mine owned mind, where
my owned peace rests in truth,

otherwise, I know every any or else in the code since I can recall,
in time

if this were a test I swore to take to prove to you
the we can be me in your head

phillipkdicktated clue

if you don't know me by now, maybe we should stop.

Temptations are times. Time things. Time spans, yeah, like bridges

or portals, right
The Internet in One Day, Fred Pryor Resources,
Wu'wuchim 1995.

Ever, not everish or everistic or every, but ever
body knows,
but you.

Catch up. We left all our doors blown off, once we learned that we could blow our own doors off,

there are no open sesames or slips of leth or sibylets

shiba yah you knew all along there was a
song she sang all one and we watched it morph
before our very eyes

alone.

The magic stories words may contain, may bear, we must agree

more than we may know, by faith, metagnostic as we see

the sublime gift of the magi
become clear und

be und sein sind both trueture same tu you, we agree.
But. Lock here, no pre 2018 editing codes

validate past last go.

tears fall
trace the lines
and planes of faces
hurt
pain
shock

like dark, wretched storm
screams rip
sobs cry
fear wrenches

ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
not again
not again

Why are women like god?
Creatures made of stardust.
Shining.
Brilliantly, radiant.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
I burn.
I burst.
I break.
Encompassing every part of my soul.
Feel the noise.
Feel the joys.
Feel me.
Touch every part of me I hide.
Reach your hands into my rib cage and grab hold of my heart.
I've always liked your art.
Words are often like fighting.
Fighting flighting demons within.
Yourself.
You.
Stand tall and be.
Believe.
Sometimes you don't need to see.
It's a feeling.
It's a feeling.
That feeling is me.
It's like hopelessness and hope.
On your worst days, you pray to just cope.
Everything is everything.
Everything is nothing.
It's all around us.
It's all around us.
Spinning worlds of wisdom
And truth.
The truth is.
The truth is a lie.
I'll live with my secrets until I die.
Open mouth, closed eyes.
Feel me.
Free me.
Seeing is believing.

Somehow, I managed to get to my thirties
without eating a cherry --- a fresh one, anyway,
raw, untamed, unshelved, and forgodssake,
unmarischinoed.

I had them in pies, gooey, sickening, too much
syrup, and in sundaes --- again, not real, a turn-off,
saw people tie the stems in knots,
I had the impression, I think, that if people
had to do all the things they do with cherries
to make them flavorful, they must be really
**** straight out of the bag.  
I made my mind up that they were unpleasant
and I would have nothing to do with them.
Even, or especially, in chocolate-covered cherries,
which my mother loved, so I wanted to love,
I could at best eat the chocolate around that
thick viscous sugary embryonic fluid
wherein lay the embittered, unborn and unloved cherry
and not the coveted prize.

So imagine that day when, careless at a cocktail
party, or at someone's house, hungry, I nibbled
at a fresh one, deep red and whole, gingerly working
my way around the stem and coming awake
to ohmygod what have I been missing all these years?

They still seem brand new now, every time, a delicacy,
something wealthy people indulge in and so not really
belonging to my world.  They beg for the company
of wine and the most delicate cheeses, they ask to be shared
and doted on.  The keep revealing themselves,
on the plate, unadorned, and they keep reminding me
to try something else that I have never tasted,
like complete and utter honesty, or looking at myself
naked, without judgment, even at the innermost
feminine parts, upside down with a mirror until I see why
they say making love for the first time is giving away
your cherry.

ohmygod
ohmygod
pull me into a broom closet
urgent and hot
your mouth open to me
as stars fall
in your touch
waves crash
eons wink

Dear God,

Do you want me to be grateful
for the way the clouds curl around each other
like ringlets falling from a hairband?
Because I will be, if you want.
And if I tell you the truth
I think I’m going to have to be
because I can’t find any other thing so beautiful.
I’m looking at the world through a view-finder
and I can’t find much that’s pretty these days.

My calf is pressed against the calf of a girl
who I considered for years to be a best friend of mine.
She felt empty
and so she inflated herself with
hot air and “banter” with no meaning.
“***** Please” and “Ohmygod” and “*******”
spew from her awkward, Christian mouth
and I wonder whether she scooped her insides out
like pumpkin flesh
and inserted somebody new there in her place
like a candle in a jack'o'lantern.
Somebody who doesn’t have the time for me.
So I give up on our small talk
and decide not to interrupt her mobile phone;
I feel the back of her head like a headache.

“Mum’s sweated off four-hundred-and-seventy-six calories today”
she tells me and I ask her how she knows.
“She’s a got a tag thingy, you know. I have too.”

I can’t bear the sound of calories.
They are nails on all my chalkboards
and they are the wrong-footed *****
that tolls in church.

I lower my gaze to the absent-minded mother
whose fingers climb into her pram
to draw circles on the baby’s scalp.
She stirs my thoughts with them.
I think I’ve come a long way since
I started this prayer,
since my eyes hit the clouds.

Someone once told me that the thing he hated above all else
was greed
because greed is a bonfire that hungers without ever feeling full.
And who reminded me that
power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

We got the greed we hungered for.

And it corrupted us absolutely.

For it is by greed that the ice caps
are sweating off more calories
than the girls in their gym shorts.

It is by greed that they cannot rest
until they have peeled their thighs far enough apart
and by greed that they’ve been lured into the propaganda store
to buy themselves diets.

It is by greed that we cannot look our world in the eye
and greed that necessitates the use of a microscope lens
to distance us from the damage we cause.

It is by greed that we underline the little problems
to cover up the big ones
and it is greed that enables us to find offense in the weather forecast.

It is greed that has shrunk my values into a cage of bitter ribs
and greed that provoked my self-righteous verbal slaughter
of that friend I no longer know.

It is by greed that we started deciding that land belonged to people –
that finders were keepers, as long as they were white –
instead of the earth it consists of.

It is by greed that we doggedly avoid breaking our routines apart
to fit other factors into them.

It is by greed that righteousness
and ******
fall into step
on the path towards a religion that God can’t condone.

It is by greed that fascism and communism
eclipse one another and meld into one.

It is by greed that the old woman opposite
refuses to share her seat or even her smile
with a human under the age of thirty.

It is by greed that kids have bullets in them
and mothers are shot full of infection
and the water runs dry
through the dripping tap we didn’t fix in our bathroom.

It is by greed that I sit on a bus
and shift my problem onto our backs
with my view-finder.

And yeah,
I still see some beauty when I look for it
but I see beauty like a picture postcard
that an angry kid took a hole punch to.
It got so torn up but we refuse to put it under a light
in order to avoid seeing just how many gaps we’ve made.
Recently I’ve noticed this postcard’s
got too many holes in it to be able to see
what the picture once was.
There’s more absent than present
and, sure, we’ve still got our itty-bitty blue-sky-days
between the punctures,
but the grime and the guilt seeps out
like the air we drove our dreams on.

What a mess we inflicted, I think.

There’s a ceiling light in our toilet that attracts flies to it.
They fly in and burn up
and the lamp bowl fills with insect corpses
until you can’t see through them anymore.
We’re like that.
Flies go suicide bombing
and ***** things up
with the clutter they leave behind them.
Meanwhile,
as long as the dead stay in their graves,
they don’t bother the rest.
We look up at the ceiling
and don’t change the lightbulb.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?

We like looking at our world from the atmosphere;
we observe it from the internet,
believing that we stand on the moon,
too far away to touch the gashes we’ve torn.
We don’t like looking at the way the blood runs;
we tuck it under our fingernails instead
and hope no one holds us accountable.

When I come home I snap at my mum
because I am so struck by the brokenness of what I’m dealing with
that I cannot have her ask me how my day was.
Because I cannot complain about the weather
but I need to
because our family conversation is not big enough
to grapple with the magnitude of the genuine complaints I have.
Because I cannot simply tell her that I hate America
or feel comfortable praying her this prayer.
So I tell her “OK” and she rolls her eyes at the kettle.

So I’ve got my dish-cloth heart
and the rain starts to spit at us
with tears that are heavy enough to weep the things I can’t shed.

Wash me clean, rain… heaven… God,
because most people put ***** dishcloths in the bin
not the washing machine.

Ohmygod
I'm sick of this
You know what I mean?
People who are purposely cookie cutter &
Afraid. If you step out the lines, someone
May not approve. I'm gonna say this again in
Different form.
If you're in this for approval, you may be diagnosed with: someone else's life
Side effects include: not living for yourself, depending on others, and being too scared to grow.
They say "youlaughcausesomethingilaugh because you're all the samestayweirdbedifferent"
And ohmygod I've heard it all before and it doesn't end

They tell each other to be different all in the same voice
DoyouknowwhatImean
Oh no I'm not searching for approval
But I don't mind respect, but
I won't beg for your time

Don't ever get used to the person you love
Be amazed every day at their hand in yours
There are bones in that hand, strong yet fragile bones
And they're wrapped around yours, your bones
Strong yet fragile
And you've had those same bones for a very long time
So long that you've grown used to them
You've grown with them
Because for a very long time they were all you had
But now they grip onto another hand
Another set of bones
And ohmygod they'rereallythere
In your hand
And you don't know these bones as well as you ignore your own
So marvel at them everyday
For as long as it's taken you to know your own
Because that hand full of bones is just a fraction of what you love

im feeling super anxious and on the edge ohmygod
i wish it was over i wish the pain would stop
get out of my head i know i dont have any friends anymore
and whatever im lonely and sick of it i want things to be better
but it never will be i miss her so much i miss having someone to talk to
i hate this feeling being alone every second of everyday it never ends
no one cares to be that pathetic excuse of a girl that
i used to be so sorry for me but no one cares to talk about it
walking the halls daring to open my mouth everything
i say is stupid adds on to my labels that everyone knows but
no one cares to talk about it to
look me in the eye and see what's going on inside.

*******.
Holy ******* ohmygod where the **** have you been my whole life?
Good gorgeous holy God.
Is this really happening?
Do you really exist?
Do you mean to say that you really actually genuinely exist?
This is incredible!

How have you been here this whole time and I've just had no idea?
This whole time!?
It hardly seems fair,
but I don't even care anymore;
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter because you're here now.

Turns out that life was only pretending to be cruel and unjust and ugly before.
Turns out that it was all just the the set-up to the biggest and greatest revelation that anyone in the history of the world has ever experienced.
Turns out that every disgrace, every bad choice, every ache and pain endured was all worthwhile;
For your face.
Your voice.
Your smile.

my room is perfect
just me, my plants, and my lasagna.
the perfect song plays in the background and i hear footsteps up the stairs
normally i can tell who it is by the way it sounds
but i dont recognize the rhythm
huh. weird.
just as im wiping sauce off my face i look up
ohmygoditsyouandyourestandingrightthereohmygodyourelookingatm­e
and at the delicious red mess all over my face.
a million questions race through my head:
why is he here
why is he just standing there
why is he smiling
why wont he look away from me
"that smells really good"
what the heck does that mean
quick, say something cute!!!!
"ha yah its my favorite"
i said cute, you idiot, what the **** was that
p.s. dont forget to breathe
"can i come in? your room is really cool..."
he walks in and looks around.
ohmygodhesinmyroom
"thanks. its like my little bubble of peace and good vibes and contentment..."
stop rambling
"thats cool. woah... theres like, plants everywhere"
"yah, i really like plants. how theyre so green and how they grow..."
he looks at me.
ohmygod he thinks im a total ******
"theyre everywhere... its really beautiful"
he looks at me.
BREATHE
"so what are you doing here?"
"I was just on my way to work and passed by and, well..."
he looks down, blushes and smiles. he looks up at me.
"i saw your light was on, so i figured id say hi. and ive... never actually seen your room before so..."
I smile at him, and for once, my mind is quiet.
"i should go. ill be late..."
he turns to leave.
"hey, thanks for stopping by! its so nice to see you..."
silence. eye contact.
offer to-
"do you want some lasagna? you know, to take with you?"
-or that
he smiles and laughs. my heart swells.
"that's okay. but-"
i smile again.
"could i come by for dinner sometime?"
YES YES YES YES-
i say calmly, "of course. stop by anytime"
silence. more eye contact.
"bye"
"see you soon"
...
*AAAAHHHGGGKJLKJDLIIXB

Even on mute,
**** blares like air raid sirens
when roommates are home.
And as I look her up and down
up and down
up and down
suddenly I’m fearful my skull
isn’t soundproof, that the new age music
will be drowned out by the ****-smack
of our naked bodies colliding in my head.
I avoid eye contact, her figure burned into my retinas,
*** in the air taking it in down *******.
The class chants Ohm
but I only manage to moan ohmygod.

Perfect is such a strong word
but her designer yoga wear is a second skin
hugging in all the right places
a body that only has the right places
and when she bends over into a forward fold
there are no secrets.
Is it Bikram in here or is it just me?
Sweat flooding off my forehead, ujjiya out of control
as I struggle and creak from pose to pose
she flows into effortlessly. We
need to get tangled in each other,
move our asanas from the mat to the sheets.
If only I were Shiva, merely
to have extra hands to run over her flawless form.
I would give my salutations to the sun daily
if only for this view.
I may not be in love with yoga,
but **** do I love yoga class.
Namaste.

safe
thats her
him
ohmygod
wow
dead in my steps
passing out at the thought
i can't stand
it