"newportsmooths" poems
February 11, 2015 9:55am
Everything is constantly floating within
I'll often find myself in motion
or moving my mouth in meaningless conversation
coming back to reality isn't helped by meditation
when the daze inside is caused by medication.
Swimming in synthetic dopamine
am I twitching from the Focalin
or the anxiety it's causing me?
–newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 1:19 AM UTC
February 3, 2015 8:53am
It feels as if I've woken up on another planet
and I'm not used to the difference in gravity
pulling on my body with more force than familiar.
It could be the withdrawals weighing me down.
Seemingly swimming or drowning in a cloudy headspace.
Plagued with constant desire to run away.
I often lose recognition of my own face
from spending the past 3 years in a pharmaceutical daze.
Waking up in frustration and pointless rage
exhausts my soul and I'm done with the pills
there's not a capsule to swallow that can make me sane.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 11:05 PM UTC
January 26, 2015 6:22pm
there's always chaos within the walls of the needy
burglars of beauty and energy
striving to find themselves in someone else.
it's more sad than poetic,
the way humans appear to be hollow shells.
if you put an ear to their chest
you'd hear the sound of the ocean
that's really just an echo of your blood rushing
in the emptiness of their ribcage.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 13, 2015
Feb 13, 2015 at 7:42 PM UTC
February 26, 2015 12:43pm
Last night I felt the moon drop it's light on me.
Swinging upside down, I saw the world from a new perspective.
Tall towers illuminating the highway horizon,
I remembered why I breathe.
Stars and ****** stories on swingsets
pushed warmth into a February evening.
Why have I stayed locked up in my room?
Hopes come high with revolutions of the moon.
The nights are dipped in ink
drawing life inside of me.
Lurking in the Tulsa twilight,
tangled dreams at seventeen.
–newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 1:12 AM UTC
I'm made of nostalgia;
every part of me feels it.
just a requiem for performance.
sitting on the rooftop in the cold,
playing songs all the same
the time so bittersweet.
misery disspated with your touch
but I haven't felt you since last April.
untangling my thoughts in hopes
I'll find you in the silence or the smoke.
I don't want to wait;
I'd love to run away.
a promise changes everything
new rooftops to sit and watch the sunset,
nights to explore the rooms of our mind
opening old boxes, forgotten memories inside.
sometimes I fear my dreams fool me,
that it's not real love you're feeling.
the fact is you've given me the best nights
and I'm not ready for you to leave again.
please just stay with me this time
love doesn't need you to think.
November 26, 2014 11:26pm
- newportsmooths h.g.
Nov 27, 2014
Nov 27, 2014 at 1:25 AM UTC
January 15, 2015 9:40am
I feel the anger swell within me
nothing to do but feel my hands shake
and trace my eyes across the texture of the carpet
hoping to find more steady breaths
or some sort of comfort in writing
but my head feels like static on a television
while my stomach turns in disgust
every limb of mine stays tense
a restriction in my chest
to keep my lungs from filling
and my heart from beating or bursting
I'm seeing only red blurs
and mind games of the Devil's Carnival
step right up at your own risk
I can't promise no one's getting hurt
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 10:35 PM UTC
January 26, 2016 9:58am
She had bones of coil
bending and twisting through lies
drinking to forget each night.
This sure isn't the first time
always *** into a rut.
She's got eyes like the bottle,
empty, but filled with sorrow.
Her head is heavy, chest is hollow
since liquor never helps tomorrow.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 8, 2016
Feb 8, 2016 at 11:02 AM UTC
I feel you metaphysically tonight
in my lost moments.
Can you hold me for protection?
I want to see you in my dreams,
feel you in another realm.
I'm delirious from lack of sleep
and i keep thinking you're next to me.
Upon looking, I realize I'm alone.
But I've heard so many nice songs
that have never been played before.
I want someone to share it with,
the presence of what doesn't exist.
October 23, 2014 11:39on
-newportsmooths h.g.
Nov 27, 2014
Nov 27, 2014 at 1:43 AM UTC
February 5, 2015 12:58am
I walked out interrupting a conversation:
a circle of empty chairs on my back porch.
I have no clue as to what they spoke of,
but they seemed slightly offended by my presence.
the wind rustles leaves to sound like animals;
the creaks and whispers hinting at death.
it all has me so grateful to breathe for the experience–
walking in on ghostly talk, yet never finding fear from it.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 3:02 AM UTC
February 7, 2015 11:51pm
it smells like spring of my sophomore year:
things seemingly falling into place
while I was falling in love,
and I'm pushing away the memories.
all those faces bring bitter feelings to mind.
why did the puzzle seem to come together
while the picture slowly made less sense?
–newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 3:13 AM UTC
January 26, 2016 1:39pm
I wrap around your memory like ivy
I just can't help but blame it on timing
still aware of your independence
but you're still stuck in my chest like cement
failing to inhale, I start to choke
as hands of nostalgia grip my throat
you fill my lungs with toxic smoke
the mark you left has become scarred
I just can't do love anymore
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 3, 2016
Feb 3, 2016 at 11:14 PM UTC
February 13, 2015 12:46am
when I shined the light on the sidewalk
the little glimmers in the concrete began to shift and sway
and they all saw it
but they don't exist
presences to keep me from loneliness
I wonder who's holding me right now
is it a ghost, a lover, or my imagination?
–newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 3:21 AM UTC
she's like the sunny days
driving around nowhere in particular
that makes you look out the window
everything looks so much better
when all the colors are brighter
just because she's beside you
and you feel less alone
when she reads your poems
says your soul is beautiful
in all truthfulness
and she restores
the hope you once had
suddenly you feel so alive
and she's the one
that made you matter to yourself
she's the breeze off the lake
when the summer sun blazes
and you thank god
to feel comfort
when the one you should thank
is really her
for putting the sun inside you
or else you might've been gone soon
October 20, 2014 12:28pm
-newportsmooths h.g.
Nov 27, 2014
Nov 27, 2014 at 1:41 AM UTC
why did i let cigarettes become so insignificant?
a craving for smoke in my lungs
sitting on the steps taking breaths closer to death
life never rings true to me
if i die then i will let the earth take me in
everyday since i first met you
i've felt effortless
my chest expanded to feel love
so whenever i start to miss you
i put tar in my lungs
or sometimes i'll get drunk
no matter what there's always poems
or half-thought-out feelings scratched in journals
i lose myself in toxic clouds
just hoping to wind up closer to you
-newportsmooths h.g. December 21, 2014 5:28am
Dec 28, 2014
Dec 28, 2014 at 1:33 AM UTC
I really need someone to protect me right now.
I wouldn’t say I’m in danger, but I sure as hell don’t feel safe in this place.
Her stares spoke volumes of character, and dear god I’m scared.
I’d love to run away; it doesn’t matter where.
All that I know has shown I’m not welcome here.
I’d live in a coffin just to escape her.
I’d probably find a better night's rest there.
-newportsmooths h.g. December 7, 2014 5:23pm
Dec 7, 2014
Dec 7, 2014 at 6:59 PM UTC
I carry you with me in the pages
leather bound pieces of my love
scratched in sleepless nights
I keep you in my journal
you lie between the lines
of every poem I've written
you've sat restless in my mind
my thoughts are scattered
but you're always in focus
-newportsmooths h.g. December 5, 2014 6:09pm
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 1:53 AM UTC
January 14, 2015 1:08pm
I've been falling behind in feeling alive;
my eyelids feel heavier than my limbs.
The task of breathing requires more effort;
I don't think it's from smoking is what scares me.
Lacking energy to perform subconscious acts
has me wondering if I'm really living.
Sometimes my whole body goes numb
and all I feel is my heartbeat pulsing throughout me,
pulsing as if to emphasize an end growing near.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 10:25 PM UTC
while you were sleeping
I smelt winds that brought me back
to summers of my childhood
and I remembered what it felt like
to truly be alone
with a beating heart beside me
nights pushed me on my own
lost and dazed with dreams of sleep
accompanied by only voices within
who can't calm me when the walls bend
surrounded by emptiness
my backwards thoughts make no sense
with so much to say I find no words
I put my hands to the ground to ask the earth
why is this contradictory chaos so consuming?
will I come out on top?
or will it **** me?
October 22, 2014 5:30pm
-newportsmooths h.g.
Nov 27, 2014
Nov 27, 2014 at 1:35 AM UTC
it's hard when the numbness starts to fade out,
and the real world starts to hit me.
dumping ice water of sanity over me;
i'm drowning in fear of fate,
what my future really holds.
i can't force myself to breathe
my chest tightens and i see white
how do people face these things?
what is it like to be sane?
i've never really known
not since what he did to me.
that's why i can't live in sobriety,
because the closer i am to sanity,
i reach the height of my anxiety
and i'm further out of control.
sometimes i don't think i'll make it out,
that i can't force myself to live
because i lose my will a lot.
so i try my best to keep myself insane
because the last thing i want to be -
is saved.
September 19, 2014 9:58pm
- newportsmooths h.g.
Nov 27, 2014
Nov 27, 2014 at 1:40 AM UTC
3am and I want a cigarette and for someone to hold me as I keep in mind that I will survive this, and I will never be the only one awake in the world.
it's all ******* beautiful but things are getting weird.
I spend hours imagining the perspective of how the asphalt suffers;
I would guess it feels something like I do,
or at least how I used to.
the cracks in the road expand with the frozen water.
useless and dangerous,
they are the cracks in my head.
the only one driving is insanity
I watched it crash,
**** the earth's humanity
-newportsmooths h.g. December 7, 2014 2:58 AM
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 1:49 AM UTC
16 November 2018 10:28 PM
I am your warmest winter jacket
In the bitter cold of your heart’s winter
I am what you seek for comfort
Only to be left hanging in the dark of your closet for the sunny days.
I’m sick of feeling used as a pill to ease the pain.
I’m not your binge tequila shots or ******* lines
Call me a human out loud; I think you’ve forgotten what I am.
I folded up easily into your box for half a decade
Now I’m sick of the dust I’ve built up.
I will shake myself clean of what you’ve made me feel.
You will never wear me like I’m yours again.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Mar 15, 2019
Mar 15, 2019 at 3:44 PM UTC
20 August 2018 4:46 PM
Haunted by the plague of empathy:
Filtration in a house of human emotion.
I am dampened by the tears;
the walls swell with empty apologies.
Paint chips fall with cancelled plans
the mirror cracks upon reflection of wasted time.
Hinges creak with a wilted will:
the taunting of unopened doors.
Tattered floorboards chance comfort
scuff marks of a dance never felt.
Shadowed by the doubts dragged in from my visitors
Will the beauty in my woodwork show through?
Every step towards the attic clouds grow in my chest
And soon it won’t just be the rain, but a storm of all my rage.
I’m sick and tired of the wires and the walls holding me in
This isn’t home, it is my hell, my own head is like a prison.
You’ve picked at everything I’ve built, so don’t dare call me a friend
So please, dear, do me a favor and don’t ever knock again.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Mar 15, 2019
Mar 15, 2019 at 3:47 PM UTC
October 18, 2018 5:09 PM
I’ve eaten more pills this week than meals
an unintentional version of self destruction.
My windows are open in the tornado of my mind and debris is scattered in my skull.
Lost in the wreckage of my limbs and life I’m losing my will to walk any further.
I’ve become a resident in illness: overly familiar with the territory.
Yet I wander every single day lacking a clue for where to turn next.
Clustered into bones and flesh is my human mess
Not contained to my head the current runs red to my chest and I’m bleeding out of my rib cage.
A cage that could not withhold the pressure of a thousand screams never let go.
Now I’m tattered in the aftermath of a bad year and one can’t fathom materials to fix my wounds.
I lie here on the floor: hoping the dripping faucet of optimism will refill me soon.
-newportsmooths h.g.
Jan 20, 2019
Jan 20, 2019 at 12:28 PM UTC