You've sworn and sworn you wouldn't be the girl crying in the bathroom. The girl who weeps and sights trying to hold her breath, to calm down, only to burst out again in a new string of tears. Heartbroken - they say it's terrible. You swore you wouldn't go through that. You kept repeating yourself it's beneath you; that you're too smart for that. That you know better than to fall for the wrong one. That you're playing. You're fooling yourself thinking you're safe, that it's him who's in love with you, that you hold the power like an almighty Fate. That you will draw the line when you will see fit to put an end to all this charade, all this thing - because as any other girl who fools herself saying she is not in love, you try to replace the word relationship with anything else that might come to your mind; and that it will be you who will decide. And your brilliant little plan worked for a while. Cold as ice, that's how you like to think about yourself. Untouchable. Unobtainable. You think you're the heartbreaker, that it's you who are doing him a favour for even considering him as you boyfriend - temporary, of course. You think it's you who holds the power because he told you he loved you first. Because he did as you wanted, he waited, he listened. He was there. And you think it's all right because in that moment it's exactly what you needed. Exactly who you needed besides you. As long as you don't fall in love. You play cold, you act like you don't care. You keep telling yourself, telling him that he is free to go whenever he wants because you'll be fine; after all, it's him who is in love, his heart the one that will get broken. But just as you say that for the milion time you notice that even though the room holds boys, men more handsome, more attractive or more intelligent, you barley think about them. You admire them but somehow you don't want them. You want him. That's when you know you're *******. You're in love. You're everything you tried not to be. But does it really seem that bad? Is it really that bad to love? To be loved? You start allowing your feelings to be, you acknowledge them, you build your pink bubbling balloon. And you're happy. You are in love and you're happy. He is in love with you too, so you're still safe, it's still not you're heart the one that will suffer.
