"machaela" poems
Dear 2020,
"You have to eat." This is probably the stupidest thing Mrs. Ashley has ever said. Does she think simply telling me to eat will fix things? That won't change my mind in the long run.
I crave to go home. I feel, say, "safe". I want good food, I want my parents, I want anime. I want my room, and more then anything I want Machaela.
I think... Maybe... Do I love her? I think I do. Afterall, I went through all this mostly for her. I simply can't wait to see her again. I could overcome everything for her.
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 6:29 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
I don’t really know why I’m writing to you today. Technically, I could talk to many different people. There’s Mom, Bonnie, and the internet suicide chats. Honestly, I don’t think any of them would understand what I would say, though. Mom is best at hugs, Bonnie likes to tell me to read papers, and I don’t think the internet suicide chat is right for me, because they wouldn’t be able to fix me. So I thought, if its okay, then I would talk to you again.
If you listen to the song on Youtube called Her Last Words, then you might notice how similar that song is to these letters. That's because I like thinking that when I die- No. I just thought, The people who love me will find and read these, but that's a lie, isn’t it? Because if I really thought people loved me, I wouldn’t be here writing to you about my own suicide. So no. If I **** myself, I will probably just upload all of these letters onto Hello Poetry.
I’m just feeling really down. Nothing is working out for me, as usual. I don't hate anything anymore. I’m just really, really tired. And I don’t want to be here anymore. But unlike school, and people, and nature, I can’t escape my mind and this world. No matter how much I want to. I’m trapped here. I can never escape unless I die. And as much as I want to, I can’t.
I never want to leave my room. I don’t care if I starve here, I have water and would finally be skinny, right? I never want to leave my room. I never want to go to the doctor, take my medicine, see anyone in person. Because I’m actually sick of people, as much as they scare me. I can just text them, or whatever. People always like me better over text anyways. And I’m so sick of these doctors and grownups trying to fix me. Have you ever thought that maybe I’d rather just die myself, then live on as some drugged-happy maniac, some distorted version of me?
But, I mean, who the **** am I anyway? I’m not even dead yet and everyone has already forgotten me. Even myself. And I’m falling apart piece by piece. I feel like at any second, I could simply fall apart at the seams and tumble onto the ground.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I wish I would die.
I realized I’m not even writing to the receiver of this letter. I’m not really writing to myself in 2020, am I? No, I’m writing to absolutely no one, and hoping that someone will read this because I am dead.
And this weekend, I’m not going to be able to be who Machaela wants me to be, am I? I’m just going to a pre-skeleton, sitting there quietly, thinking of all the wrong things, saying too little, and feeling too much. I’m sorry, I don’t really know why I started writing this letter to you. It’s been completely pointless, and I don’t really have anything to say. I’ve had to talk to so many people, saying the same things so often that I have completely run out of anything new or interesting or surprising. I don’t want to be with others, I want someone. But I Don’t want to be alone, I want to be by myself. I want a hug, but I want a specifically perfect best-friend, one who’s always there for me and would have no idea what to do if I was gone, to be the one to hug me.
I really wish I could die.
I really
Really
Really
Really
Really
Really
Really
Wish I could die.
Sincerely,
H. R. S.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 7:47 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
Today we drive to Boston. I type this very quietly to you as not to disturb anyone sleeping in the hotel, like my father, who continues his slumber although it is almost seven A.M.
But I mostly write to you today about the thoughts I've been having recently. More thoughts that I would be better off dead, plotting thoughts of killing myself, and yet an abundant fear of death.
These are not the only thoughts, though. I also have overwhelming powerful thoughts of reverting back to my anorexia, giving in to its seductive calls and potent warnings of gaining weight because I eat. The thoughts tell me how disgusting I am, how no one will ever love me because of that fact, and says that Machaela's rejection of me is only proof that I am disgusting and my overall worthlessness.
Oh, yes. I suppose I didn't tell you how Mahchaela rejected me again, the only difference being this time that she was sure of herself. How she keeps inviting me to things with a halfhearted tone, which I suspect if the result of being forced to invite me by Ana and their father.
So yeah, my life has definitely taken a turn for the worse and I worry that when I go to see my next psychiatrist, therapist, or whomever I see next will simply toss me back into the hospital for suicide risk and then back to Old Vineyard I'll go. Because almost nothing is actually helping me cope. And I still believe that I will simply **** myself in a few months, or years, therefore not having a long life. I have believed this will happen for the entirety of the last year.
Love always,
Hollin
Jun 22, 2018
Jun 22, 2018 at 6:52 AM UTC
Dear 2020,
I want to die. This time I really mean it. I really do. Tears stream down my face.
But...
I can't really think of anything to stop myself.
What if you see Machaela? What if you hold hands? Hug?
At this rate, I'll never get out of here. I just want to die and starve. I'm so fat.
Maybe...
What else can I conjure up to hide my feelings?
But what if I am happy in the future!
What if I'm not?
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 6:24 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
Still at Old Vineyard. I'm supposed to be leaving on Tuesday. This is later because I still think of suicide every day. I'm still very anxious. I'm still starving myself.
I partially want to go home to Machaela, but I know I won't be safe. And I'm really better here, so I guess I'll stay.
Love,
Hollin
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 6:20 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
I am going to leave tomorrow! But that's kind of the only good news...
But then, I will be able to call Machaela! Woo!
Love always, Hollin
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 8:23 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
I leaving Old Vineyard today! Therefore, I am feeling like a ten and wanting to jump for joy! I am so excited. I will be able to see Machaela and Sean again! I will be able to watch anime again! And read books that are actually good!
But... I won't be able to see Harley, Shana, Mackenzie, or Tamia again... You better not forget them, future me! Hahah. I may have some of their information, though. lol.
Love Always, Hollin
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 8:26 PM UTC