Sometimes I wonder
Since I'm not loved or cared for
why don't I just die?
Oct 16, 2018
Oct 16, 2018 at 10:49 AM UTC
Just Cassie and I, sitting on the large granite steps of the city's library, reciting poetry in fake accents and recounting the woes of our unrequited loves.
Just Cassie and I, wishing there was more to life than warm Summer days and standoffish boys.
Just Cassie and I, eating ice-cream, riding our bikes down to the creek, crying over sappy love stories.
Not once did we realize how different we were, how quickly everything could change.
For that Summer was the last, the Autumn dividing us with school, and work, and we realized only then that paradise can never last forever.
Sometimes I still sit, by myself, on those large granite steps, reading the November day away and wishing things could have stayed the same.
I would never know, she did the same.
Sep 22, 2018
Sep 22, 2018 at 8:13 AM UTC
Dear 2020,
I soon realized that these letters were not for me. They were for my parents, who would be surprised but not truly shocked. And so, having realized this, I write this also to them. Soon I will send them the link to my account so that they may read my extensive list of suicide notes. Because I can’t bring myself to believe that anyone truly loves me. Because I don’t love me. And although I wrote my true suicide note several weeks ago, this is my goodbye to a truly horrifying and terrifying world. And the truth is that I probably won’t die today, but if I find myself doing so then I will send the link to my account to my parents.
Jul 25, 2018
Jul 25, 2018 at 8:47 AM UTC
After a long day
I am very thirsty
Very eager
for liquid
I open the package with a knife,
and watch eagerly as the deliciousness dribbles down
Sometimes licking up the excess,
often simply wiping it up with a wipe.
The first dribbles are no good at all.
I open the rest o the packaged water with my knife,
starting a bit when I apply too much pressure,
and the liquid begins to gush.
But I love it,
how the bright, shiny liquid runs down the side of the package
It is so warm, so wet, so delicious.
I simply cannot get enough of the feeling of my blood dripping down my arms as my own knife hovers above my outstretched limb.
Jul 9, 2018
Jul 9, 2018 at 8:12 AM UTC
surprisingly enough,
steak knives aren't any good for cutting flesh,
ceiling fans don't hold as much weight as you'd think they would,
your family isn't as understanding as they say they are,
because no one can understand you, not even yourself.
and no matter how many times they say they won't forget,
won't forfeit the game of remembrance,
you know they will, and they'll be glad once they have.
Because you don't need a stain like me on the artwork that is your life. scrub me off quickly before the memories get dry and you get used to them.
Because I know from experience that only one soul will remember a suicide by the next year.
Because I know from experience you don't have to be dead and gone to be dead and gone.
I have already been forgotten by most, but then again,
I don't want to be remembered.
Jul 5, 2018
Jul 5, 2018 at 5:29 PM UTC
Here is a little girl
With dark lashes
And eight-looped braids
Her limbs as
Thin and white as bone
She’s shivering in the cold
Of her thoughts a
surging, raging ocean, a dark horse.
Her face downturned violently,
As if she had no neck,
She swings with the breeze of
A thousand cold breaths
Her breast cold, as if
She hadn’t any heartbeat.
Here hangs a little girl
The subject of damnation by
A hundred harsh thoughts,
A thousand cold shoulders,
And the godless hell in which she resided.
Jun 22, 2018
Jun 22, 2018 at 8:21 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
Today we drive to Boston. I type this very quietly to you as not to disturb anyone sleeping in the hotel, like my father, who continues his slumber although it is almost seven A.M.
But I mostly write to you today about the thoughts I've been having recently. More thoughts that I would be better off dead, plotting thoughts of killing myself, and yet an abundant fear of death.
These are not the only thoughts, though. I also have overwhelming powerful thoughts of reverting back to my anorexia, giving in to its seductive calls and potent warnings of gaining weight because I eat. The thoughts tell me how disgusting I am, how no one will ever love me because of that fact, and says that Machaela's rejection of me is only proof that I am disgusting and my overall worthlessness.
Oh, yes. I suppose I didn't tell you how Mahchaela rejected me again, the only difference being this time that she was sure of herself. How she keeps inviting me to things with a halfhearted tone, which I suspect if the result of being forced to invite me by Ana and their father.
So yeah, my life has definitely taken a turn for the worse and I worry that when I go to see my next psychiatrist, therapist, or whomever I see next will simply toss me back into the hospital for suicide risk and then back to Old Vineyard I'll go. Because almost nothing is actually helping me cope. And I still believe that I will simply **** myself in a few months, or years, therefore not having a long life. I have believed this will happen for the entirety of the last year.
Love always,
Hollin
Jun 22, 2018
Jun 22, 2018 at 6:52 AM UTC
Dear 2020,
When I write to you I now have to keep in mind that it isn't only strangers reading my letters. It's Ian, too.
So, from now on, being honest will probably be harder than it used to be. And I may not write as much as I used to.
I got some poetry today, carefully sneaking out of the library a book of collected poems by Sylvia Plath, although my mother doesn't want me to read them (she killed herself when she was around thirty).
And I got some reading glasses because my some of my numerous medications make my eyesight worse.
So it sounds like I coping well with my condition, and life is going on as it always should have. But it's not.
I still have those thoughts, I still tye nooses around my neck and I still feel like I'm crawling across rock bottom. And most of all, I hate myself. I don't feel worthy of any love or attention, and it hurts my heart when someone says they love me, although of course, I want people to love me. It's just that although I want them to, I don't feel deserving of it when they do.
And my allergies are getting worse. I now can't eat apples, peaches, watermelon, blueberries, or bananas. I don't eat meat either, and I'm thinking of cutting out sweet things from my diet because I'm unhappy with my appearance, as usual. So in the end, is it worth eating anything anyways?
Part of me wants to die and be forgotten forever as if I were never here. The other part is terrified by this thought and wants to be remembered as someone to tried and failed, not tried and gave up. Both parts want to die. But, I should keep positive, right? Maybe then my life won't **** as much as usual.
I wish I could just cut everyone out of my life with a snap so that no one would have to bother to attend my funeral when I die and pretend to be sad.
Love always,
Hollin
Jun 13, 2018
Jun 13, 2018 at 3:00 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
Yesterday I proved that you can make a noose out of a belt if it is long enough. And yes, it will hurt for a moment before it tightens, but isn't that deserved? Yes. I fastened it around my neck and pulled, just for that choking feeling. Now, that feeling haunts me.
And I keep writing suicide notes, but I don't really like any of them. Then I thought, why am I bothering? These letters are my suicide notes! They show perfectly my anguish, my feelings. They show that better than anything else I could write.
I... I am scared of death, somehow. Although I seem to want it so badly. Wait. Wait, no. I have to stay positive, remember? I promised myself and someone up above that I would stay positive in the hopes that then... yes. I shall stay positive.
Love always,
Hollin
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 8:33 PM UTC
Dear 2020,
I leaving Old Vineyard today! Therefore, I am feeling like a ten and wanting to jump for joy! I am so excited. I will be able to see Machaela and Sean again! I will be able to watch anime again! And read books that are actually good!
But... I won't be able to see Harley, Shana, Mackenzie, or Tamia again... You better not forget them, future me! Hahah. I may have some of their information, though. lol.
Love Always, Hollin
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 8:26 PM UTC