spining spinnig spinning spinnging spinging spinining spinning spinning psinngin psinnging psinning spining psminnng psinng psing spinning itching tiching tiching itching itching ithcintign itching ithc nihting itching itching itching my chgest chest chet chest chets chest chesth ches thchc chest chest chestch sthech sethch schesth chesth seht esht eshthe sehches stghse tpanic panic panic panic itching panich painc itchingpainic pinaibng pinc ananc intching paning cnians pannigba sicthicn itcthing itching ithcing itching ithchi nhelp help help ehple help e helpe helpe helpe help help help ehlp ehlpe help ehple go waay away waway away away away aya away away away waya waya awaya waya away awaya no i don’t wnat o ts see ll you this coffee get the **** out of my ****** gface itching itchin gnaimial itching reage rage rage rrage gar eget the **** cis ssifi ficuking ishaf sisth ge tou to fmy fauck ceuang face te get out of my faucking *******  ******* **** ing ******* fuckng icing ******* fufking ******* tufkc thing face get the **** out of my face get the **** out of my face get the **** out of my face and leave me alone get the fucki out to foi my face and leave me alone spinning sinning range tulnnel vision tunnel spinning tiching cehst panic get out o fmy face i don’t want to sell you foccefe and you are n’t going to e to to to to to tip me anyway you ******* **** head yet the **** out of my afce and leave me the **** anlone i have n’t taken a break a break a brak breath in like like like twnety minutes breaht ebreathe breathe abreathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe don’t tell me to ******* breathe i know to ******* breathe rage rage rage rage tag r rage reag e aasdna breathe brathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breahte breathe breathe breabdth rbreathe breathe breathe rbaein out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in rythm rhythm rhtrm why the **** is that work word do so why the **** is that word so hard to spenl wp swhy the fu ck wiuy why the **** is that word si focukning hard to spell foeaajsdg why the **** is thwa why the **** is tha twor what why the **** is that word so hard to sle why the **** is that word os why the **** is that word so hard to spell rhyhtm rhyr rhythem rhythm tryhtm in out in ou to int out in tih rhythm rhytm tr intching itching itching ittchahinsdg in out in out outu ihn out in iuth out it ou th hei is this poetry hooray i wrote something go me look at all those words on the page i put thise there **** yeah go me hooray i was creative with my panic attack good for me good for ******* me now i guess the next step is to just go insatne and get drink run right horay hooray hooray three cheers for me i wrote something and it’s gonne anga nd id it’s gonna get me a million ******* dollars because i channeled ma my rf **** ing rage and that’s what epeople whatn ranwt ranw ran ran want wri sfsa tir right i it’s jurat rage riage rajfjs rb braeat breathe breathe breathe breathe breahte btrahet breathe i can’t ty e i can’t te i can’t tpye n d i can’t type ab ica i can’t type and breahte a ti ci  i can’t type and breathe at the samet ime i can’t tyime i can’t y i can’t type and breathe at the same to i can’t tiy i can’t type and breathe at the same timy i can’t ta i can’t type and breathe at the same time but maybe when i fguyre maybe when i figure out how to t mabye maybe when i figure out how to do that i’l act maybe bw maybe when i figure out how to do wh wm maybe wheni figure out how to do that i’ll write something that doesn’t make me want to **** myself but for now i detes i but forno but for now i detest ever ev but for now i want to stab every sing le but for now i want to strange but for now i want t o but for now i want to strangle every wrod that comes out ofmy ******* ******* useless garbage handss

I read last Saturday in the
redwoods outside of Santa Cruz
and I was about 3/4's finished
when I heard a long high scream
and a quite attractive
young girl came running toward me
long gown & divine eyes of fire
and she leaped up on the stage
and screamed: "I WANT YOU!
I WANT YOU! TAKE ME! TAKE
ME!"
I told her, "look, get the hell
away from me."
but she kept tearing at my
clothing and throwing herself
at me.
"where were you," I
asked her, "when I was living
on one candy bar a day and
sending short stories to the
Atlantic Monthly?"
she grabbed my ***** and almost
twisted them off. her kisses
tasted like shitsoup.
2 women jumped up on the stage
and
carried her off into the
woods.
I could still hear her screams
as I began the next poem.
mabye, I thought, I should have
taken her on stage in front
of all those eyes.
but one can never be sure
whether it's good poetry or
bad acid.

She's coughing blood
So i boil some water
Squeezed from the mud
Used for slaughter

Horrible cries
Coming to my ears
From where she lies
The girl in tears

What kind of power
does a powerless flower
have?
The power of showing its music to the deaf.

So mabye the wreaths,
Made from the levanders, round
Carry my breaths
Back to her lungs in the ground

What have I done I wonder why
I'm gentle soft and very shy
I was not the man I am today
But anger hatred has come to stay

I'm really fun and so kind at heart
But others ripped my heart apart
I learnt to fend and fight alone
My body ackes my heart does grown

When I was a little lad
I was happy carefree and never sad
I did the things that small boys do
How I'd turnout no one new

As my toddler years went by
I realised my life was but a lie
Violence, anger, abuse and pain
Would make me hang my head in shame

The happy life I knew before
Had suddenly gone out our back door
Our happy home had disappeared
It looked like evil it's ugly head had reared

Been a kid so young at heart
Like every other kid does start
Had to learnt to grow up fast
And try to run far from my past

But as my teen year went on by
I became more withdrawn and shy
I made wrong choices did wrong things
One night stand and many flings

Drugs, ***** and deep dark things to
Took me to a place so cold and blue
Relationship that never last
Oh if I could just return to my past

As I aged and became much older
Tried to be strong and much bolder
But the past that hunted me
Wouldn't go away you see

I know deep down in side my heart
Everything of me was ripped apart
I'm but an empty shell inside
At least it is my place to hide

Ive pulled so far within myself
All's affected even my health
Im falling deeper into a blacken hole
Ive lost myself and I'm loosing my soul

The ones that are my near and dear
They can not see and do not hear
How could they ever understand
Not even I this was never planed

I can't show love and gentleness
Will my life ever change and be a bliss
I mask my breaking heart inside
Behind smiles and laughter I do hide

I sit alone so many nights
Thinking back on all the fights
I've become my dad you see
The one that totally destroyed me

How do I get my self untangled
When my mind is a mess and mangled
I blame the world for who I've become
At time I wish it was said and done

I lost the ones I loved so dear
Because I caused them constant fear
I never planed to be this man
I should of taken a firmer stand

Face my demons and my past
Then mabye I'd be free at last
But I cant I don't know why
Maybe I'm scared so I live a lie

What I want and what I need
I leave to others and there selfish greed
I never make my own decision
And I have fall into total depression

The ones that think there doing good
If they only really understood
What I yearn for deep inside
My needs my wants my silent cries

I'm at a place so far away
On this earth I don't want to stay
I've given up but still holding on
But the gentle me and selfworth is gone

So in my mind Ill retreat again
Blame the world for all my shame
Tell myself it's not my fault
It's just so hard and difficult

Maybe one day all will change
I know this all sounds very strange
But maybe tomorrow all will be well
And I'll at last come out my shell

the feeling inside , i cannot describe not anger nor sadness , a certain kind of fustration. i am different in some strange way. feelings come and go yet this has stayed. All for a reason. never knowing why. for i am an embryo wating wanting coveting for the one day i will emerge into something beautiful. i wasnt always this way. the only way to save myself is they way ive avoided for all my life. please? hello? where are you? come here and save me. i cant resist you, its just not enough to say that i miss you. there is so much left to be said but i just might as well be better off dead. but ill stay alive and the reason why ill stare at the beautiful night sky it leave me breathless the same way you do , but ow could i covet somthing ive never had so badly. i am the laste spring blossom. while others bloom each in their beautiful ways shapes and forms i stay a bud. most wont pick it because its not a beautuiful flower but beauty is fleeting and one day while all the other flowers end there peak and whither away. i will thrive. thrive better than anyone elese ever way some day mabye one day baby. you will find out who i am.please? hello? where are you? some here and save me . there is so much more to be sead but i might as well be dead. i cant resist you , its not enough to say that i miss you. im not in denial this is my last trial to accept this bittersweet illusion from the moment we are born we slowly die. screaming at the thin door that seperates fact from fiction. its all just a dream. forever running in place it wont be fast enough. ive lost all controll but this path has taken a toll. ill figure this out all on my own. blurry eyes please look at the beautiful night sky. it wasnt always this way . someday mabye one day baby

feelings

feel so cold, nothing seems real
feel like i used to feel
when the wheels in my head
stopped going forward
went backwards instead
so many things in my head
that shouldnt be there
shouldnt be anywhere

mabye inside the mind
of some poor ******* that couldnt find
his way through life
clawing, knawing, at his own bones
all the while thinking of home
mind wandering
like mine does all the time
quoting some line
from a film or a song

convincing yourself
thers some hidden meaning in it
for why your life died
and went so badly wrong
and turned to ****

feel so lonely, if only
someone could take my pain away
pain visited me such a long time ago
and stayed
feel lost, feel the cold frost of life
sending a chill down my spine
feel numb
feel like i want to strike out
at anyone and anything
feel like my body isnt even mine

stare past my window
far far away, eyes stray
eyes discuise, the person behind the mask

eyes lie
mask wears me like a second skin
mask hides the people that are within
my head
today my mask will be; don, dedus, donna
mabye someone else instead
feel frightened
feel like i just want to be held
in the arms of someone
that can keep me safe
keep me out of my own hell
thats in my confused mind

feel like my barbedwire thoughts
are so kind, feel blind
unable to see even me
feel like i wasnt conceived
unable to believe i even exist

in this manifestation
cold invitation
of an existance , that is my life
feel like i want my wife, to sort out my life

feel like i cant feel
feel like i want to strip the skin from my bones
feel like i want to go home
feel cold, so very cold, feel old
feel alone

I pulled that dusty shoebox
From underneath the bed ,
Letters we had written
On the day that we had wed.

We talked about forever
And promised to be true,
Youd be good to me
And id be good to you.

I read and re read those letters
Trembling , clamy hands
I was not this women,
And you are not this man.

Why does time make change ok,
Stop simple things we used to do.
The way youd show your love for me or
How id show my love for you.

You should always hold
My hand, and make me feel my best,
I  should always be your rock,
We both just want respect.

Mabye we just need reminding
Of how it all began, to pick our battles better, and offer steady hands.

I tucked those letters safely
Into a book beside the bed ,
In that dusty shoebox
theyre not getting read .

Now I made alot wrong turns before I became this man today,
Drove through alot of towns where my life was just a sway,

Cause I tipped bottles and smoked **** to try to hide the pain,
I thought it was normal cause I saw y'all do the same,

I hated the feeling of seeing my brother in tears,
So in the attempts to make it vanish I cracked open another beer,

But when the beer seized to work I cracked open a bottle,
With my left foot on the pedal shifting gears to full throttle,

I hated feeling the pain of everyone crying,
So I crushed up some pills and used my card for a lining,

And if the pain still proceeds I'll spark up some Ls,
not understanding why my problem still swells,

" I don't have a problem, I only use on the weekends." ,
Little did I know this rode only steepens,

Schools getting boring, so park in the back
" Yo **** first period, let's finish the sack",

"Bro I'm way too high, you mind if I sleep it,
We'll keep this skip day just our little secret,"


The teachers catch on to me skipping all week,
So I drop out of school to run with the street,

The amount of my daily use, I can't seem to keep track,
Mabye this left turn will take me on back,

Now the coolest ****** in town so I guess it's alright,
Who cares if my bed it a park for the night,

Two showers a week so my shoes might have stunk,
But my bottles 100 and the **** smells like skunk,

My visions always blurry and I "might" have a temper,
We had fun last nigh. Right.... That's all I remember,

But hey, you only live once so why not party all night,
As I drive through the dark in a car with broke lights,

My girlfriend can't stand it, " well who needs one girl"
There's a million other "*******" that live in he world,

So many black outs I can't keep count,
My moms ******* crazy for kicking me out,

Money got low so I smoked some fake ****,
Till my my boy tries to **** me so I leave him to bleed,

So while I take out my stitches we'll party till death,
Or till I wake up in the morning with stickies on my chest
And IVs in my arm and a tube around my nose connected to different bags and machines while a female officer waits outside my door


For as I flew down the highway as fast as I can in the attampt to escape the guilt of my life,
I didn't not see the upcoming ice,

And as the car slides, clips the railing, and flips Into a crash,
I did not believe  I would make it out of the ash,



But I did


And with this miracle given to me by a power greater than myself I made it a promise........

I won't abuse it

The obscured room you lay in
as confined the things in your mind
with nothing but pitch black in sight
i wonder what people think about when they cant fall sleep at night
do you think about the fake smile you put on or the pain you still feel down to the bone
do you think about the the things they said or reason you always feel alone
everyone hides the scars they had tries to keep them silent
when they ask whats wrong we try to stay strong and remain quiet
do you think about what you mean to others whether if your cherished or just not worth the trouble
mabye one day my thoughts will reach the light
but what do you think of when you cant fall asleep at night

why does my shadow.. seem darker today
was it the weather ...sunny maybe grey
why did i feel that rain was tipping down
yet when i looked up.. blue skies all around

why did my mood ...swing from left to right
mabye im sorry for all what said last night
maybe im just sad... that all around seems dull
maybe the light has gone for good ..who knows

time i woke and breathed fresh air
time to put things right
time to plant some flowers and watch them grow ..thats right
time to raise ones eyebrow and crack a smile or too
time for new begining ...
join me be my crew

drowning

i am drowning
being slowly dragged under by the weight of my guilt
cosumed in my bed
as i lay warm inside my emotional quilt
it layers me like i layer myself
layer upon layer , upon layer , upon layer
my invisible angels watch over me
kneeling in prayer, to someone that isnt there
at the side of my bed
they are manifestations, pehaps halusinations
dreamed up inside my head
the reside on an even keel
with demons and the dead

am i a freckle on a pretty girls face
or mabye an obsolete number
that has no place
in this life or the next
am i a love letter,  a text
perhaps the next phone call
to say the one you love
wont be comming home today
life demands he stays
under the car broken and twisted
soon to be listed
as just another dead brother, son, friend, father
to a little one
who will now have to rely on mum
as the important one

its getting late
as i lie here at night , full of fright
clinging to thoughts that are not right
but without them , i might , not make it
without devils and demons
to help me fake it, what does it leave
the cold touch of reality,  ****
sludge ****  thick and black
hanging on my back, breaking my spine
leaching off everything thats mine
**** comming out of my eyes, my ears
**** comming out of my mind, making me blind
to everything that makes sence
**** that builds a fence
to keep nice things away
at least for today

if i remove the mask
how long will the next one last
life demands so much
my masks cant keep up
have to wear a new one each day
smile politely and say, lying of course
i am really ok
then i turn and go back to my life of clay
moulding, folding this and that way
ptting on another face
to help me get through another day

laying in the sand
face first in the water
i see you in my sleep
mabye you'll be here tomorrow
the dephts are at my feet
to wash away my sorrow
the pressures crushing me
maybe your love will set me free
Go meet me at the shore
show there could be much  more
the tide is rising as we sit down the pier
when your ready to leave this town the waves will  and we will disapear

Understand that for me you were it
You were the one i wanted to be with
I gave you my heart i gave you my faith
You turned and walked away

I thought we were okay
I thought things were good
I guess i was wrong

Seeing you now
Is like a knife in the gut
I want to turn and run
If i do that you win

I know i did a lot of wrong
I know i hurt you and broke your heart
But we were doing okay
Until that day when you went away

I thought you were going to come back to me
Instead you left all your love for me
I miss you

And when i think of you
I get a lump in my throat
My heart starts racing
My stomach knots up
I just wish i could rid you from my mind

From my mind and from my heart
I wish i could cut you out and leave you behind
One cut would lead to another
Then i would just be in pieces

Its better to deal with you living in my heart
Maybe you will come back
Mabye you will never

But i will always remember what we had
There will be a part of me that always
And forever loves you

Loves you more then you could possibly understand

To the girl who is depressed
I'm sorry
No one can help you
That sounds sad
This whole thing is sad

Guess what?
You wear a mask;
You don't relaize it yet
Time will only tell
That you're Fake
your whole life is fake
Mean what I said
I know
But you understand
That's sad

I know
To far gone
You want to be found
But there's no one around
You fell;

In this black desolate decrpit hole
That you have stumbled upon
It hits you so fast
And leaves a long-lasting irratable pain
Your mind is trapped
You're in a prison
A inmate of your own mind and body
You think there is no way out
You love the idea of being happy
But when you are happy you are fake
Because that's the mask....
That we all wear....

That's the truth
Truth is sad;
Truth hurts;
But some how ?
Some Fake person says Truth is good
Like are we all ******* here?

But it's okay
you are okay in your own fogotten world
Pictures make you cry
People make you angry
Cry yourself to sleep
Hug a pillow and wished is was someone who wanted you
ask yourself over and over
why ?

At this point in time
You will question everything that comes into play
You will find yourself
Floating away
When you crash
When you land your make-shift toy of melancholy
For all the world to see

You will blame yourself
Everything you have done on your
war path of destruction
Tornado of emotion and thoughts and hate
Pours into you mind ripping you apart emontionally
And left alone and defeated

*****
Welcome,
My dear friend
I know this is true
It only gets worst
:( :( :(
Sincerly,
   The random guy
*****

Now you contemplate
Sitting on your throne
Of pure bitterness
Maybe....Just mabye?
The afterlife
People say it's not the way to go
But what do you know
You're a prisoner in your mind
Their words mean nothing to you
They waste their breath and their time
Because we don't listen

Then you get there
Destination
Complete Unknown
Lost you are
Confused as ever
Frustrated consumes you
But your there
You think it's time
You are taking a vacation
Afterlife of corse
So you begin to let go
Disconnect...
leave everyone in the dark  
Beat everyone up with silence; You give..

But wait a minute
Here the obstacle
Here is where I failed
There's a wall
That you have to get over
So you start to climb
Great at first
Then after the first immaculant image of someone you love
Fills your brain
you stop take a breath;
Back at it you  going faster as the blood trembles down you arm
There you left
Blade in hand
Head on floor
Left side caked with blood
Your dizzy
can't walk anymore
Sad
Sad
Sad
Then you just cry
and relaize you failed
All your life
You never acomplished anything
and you failed at taking you own life  
becuase somewhere you not as broken as you think and
you just take that silly mask of and realize that you are real

But a dark road to get there
you must take  
For I'm not Through yet  
But getting there
People that reads this
think why would this guy say all of this horriable things
to write to someone
But see it's the truth
And well we are both just
Sad Then

Pre-conceptions of me dont go away. Sympathy faded in the mist. Emotions anchored down in the abyss. Its hard to have faith in ones own beauty when I cant see. Especially when communication is riddiculed by paranoia. "why would they want to talk to me". "They think Im a freak and I deserve it". Irony, thrown into a ditch by myself. A chamber of cynical reflecion where I cant move. So, to deafen the hounds in my head. I use my hatred as a tool to suppress others protential. I make them disgusted with their own image. An excuse to project my flaws onto someone else. And feed the illusion that Im gods *******. Keep that ego intact so I dont need to look at myself. And realise that mabye Im a bit of a *****... However, I still have faith in something beyond myself.
Love.
Love still leaves me exposed to natures soothing melody. Blends reality and dreams together to manifest paradise. Noone a stranger to its bilengual call. Everyone showered in its waterfall.
Thats why when I dance I long for it to be with others. Because If I'm alone is it real? That is why experience is meant to be shared. If noone is there, did it really happen?

Every single day
I feel so depressed
And the thought of it
Makes me want to stress
...Sinse there's nothing
In my life to make me
Feel this way...
...Then I wonder
Why I act like this
Every single day...
...Mabye the things
I think about
But don't want to say...
...Make me end up
Feeling this way...

maybe i hate you, maybe i love you.
maybe i couldn’t have the courage to say this to you,
mabye this isn’t that deep.
maybe i love you
maybe i love you
maybe, you, could love me too.
but maybe, we may be together.
maybe, one day. but until then we could dream about each other.

Low flying full clouds
Heavy down filled layered
Snuggled in safe warm

something has a choke hold on my heart,
is it my past?
is the future?
mabye something supernatural?
whatever it is, it better show itself,
or just hurry up and **** me **** it!
I got **** to do, and I can't continue short of breath.

Today..
   This sociol media site
Your on right now
     It will shut down
Then were will you be?
Alone?
Or will you know how to contiue with out email and facebook?
  Will you know how to walk over to someones house to get them or will you stay still in time? Will you freack out from lack of typeing or will you start running? This thing we call internet is just a allution covering all of todays problems. Its a way to avoid what needs to be looked at.
  For example your kids or your classes? Or mabye your family.

Few word said so uneloquently  
But boy that sure was poetry to me

A promise of a future so perfect
I felt the stars were on our side


But you can brush away those feelings so easily
It's quite skilful really

Your ******* from me the life you gave me
Yet ask me why i'm bleeding

Its unfair, You act like you had no part in it
And i'm just a stupid girl

Mabye i am for holding on
But this is the only time i've felt okay
I'll let you torture me for a lifetime
If there's even the slightest chance
You'll let your promise be

Irony is a funny thing,
A poet who is at a loss for words.
Everyone always told me that if there was a problem, talk to them.
But how can you trust them with something so serious?
How do you even start a conversation like that?
"Hi mom and dad, I have anxiety attacks and cut myself and its just getting worse."  
Yea no,
That's not how it works.
Maybe you just pull up your sleeve and show them the scars.
Nope
Mabye I try to show them that the person in the mirror isn't me.
How the hell do you do that?
You don't.
So I tried writing it down,
Then I tried to read it allowed,
But I lost the words again.
So I put it in a letter and sent that
It was the hardest letter I've ever written and will be for the rest of my life.
There may have been no words from my mouth, but that's when I found the words from my heart.

I'm still standing here among the thorns,
scattered and torn,
behind the scorn,
I'm still standing here.

I'll stand here til time ends,
til the break of dawn,
I will love you baby,
I'll wait a lifetime, only for you, babe.

I'm still standing here,
ever since you left that cold night,
distracted by your greed,
darling I see what you need.

Mabye, I'll learn to be myself,
darling you tricked me this time,
I'm running out of this bind,
Yet I find myself still here.

Do I come across too strong?
Its just when that smile rides astride me.
You bare hand layed upon my chest.
Wrapped in my arms.
Holding on like I know something.
Silence.
Is this the way to be loved.
Laughter is all I can hear.
Or mabye its all I want to hear.
I sometimes believe in destiny when Im next to you.
But when I dont hear a word.
I realise fairytales dont exist.
A Cold response.
To throw me back into reality
I cant see infront of me.
As I tripped over your deaf ears.
So I stare out the window not caring.
Smoking.
Too feel something

I'm not unbreakable
Some think it's mistakable
I spend every day that I got being somebody I'm not
If I was made of stone
Would I know how it feels
If I knew love not pain
Mabye I could breathe again
Stand on my two feet again
Oooohhhhh if I was unbreakable
I could give you my heart
Love you from the start
Be myself not somebody I'm not
If I had a diamond hear.

i was five years-
mabye 8-
i dont know
but i lost him
and i
        lost
              myself
                         too
ah mon grandpere
tu es tres important
je
          deteste
                              toi

why did you leave
i needed you
dad needed you
but most of all
you needed you

The phoenix rises from the ashes
But you will never hear its song
It used to be a nightingale
Until you killed it with a rock
See the fire in the sky
You wont hear a song when you die

The thinkier empties his glass of poison
You will never know his ways
He used to guide you straight
But you were blind to his word
Recall his name
Mabye his words will save your young

Our mothers light fades
Your love for her was none anyway
She used to give you care and nurture
But your hate broke her heart
Ask for forgiveness
For hope may not yet be lost

The wolves sing their celestial song
A song we will never get to hear
We ignored their howls of wisdom
Killed their pups of love
Looking at the moon we remeber
It may already be to late

You'll never know,
Niether will I,
It'll keep the secrets burried in sorrow,
Never look for the anwsers or you might die,
And trust me on this one,
It not worth it,
Or mabye it is my young son,
Just promiss me that,
If you find them,
Grab them and run,
And don't...
Look...
BACK!!

The end