"kns" poems
I was 15,
And you were 16.
And we met through a computer screen.
And we instantly connected.
And we talked non-stop.
And we became best friends.
And we shared our deepest secrets with one another,
not caring that we were two complete strangers.
That never really mattered.
We were just troubled kids,
longing for someone to talk to.
Someone who felt the things we did.
Someone who wouldn't judge us.
Someone who might possibly understand.
We found that in each other.
You were my solace.
And I loved you.
I told you about how my family was no longer a family.
And you told me about how you didn't know if you could handle much more.
And I was worried.
And you occasionally disappeared for days on end.
And I became frantic.
And you would tell me you were in the hospital.
Those ****** pills again.
And I begged you to stop,
To try and get better.
Because you were my solace.
And I loved you.
I was 16,
and you were 17.
And you had a girlfriend.
And she didnt like me.
Or maybe she just didnt like what we had.
So she made you choose.
And it broke my heart to see you choose her.
Because you were my solace.
And I loved you.
Six months later.
Six devastatingly long months later.
I heard from you again.
And I didn't know how to feel.
So I cried.
Tears of anger, sadness, regret.
But mostly joy.
Because you were back.
You were finally back.
And you were my solace.
And I loved you.
I was 17,
And you were 18.
And we met face to face.
After two long years, it finally happened.
And it was the best night of my life.
And I was so sad to see you leave.
But you had to return to your broken home.
And things got worse for you.
And old habits picked back up.
And your depression consumed you.
And it ate me alive to see you that way.
Because you were my solace.
And I loved you.
I am 18,
And you should be 19.
But you never got to see that day.
Because old habits die hard.
And you finally succeeded.
And my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest.
But the rest of my body is numb.
And my mind is darker than ever.
Because now I have no one to share my secrets with.
No one to listen.
Because you are gone.
And you were my solace.
And I love you.
~kns
May 31, 2013
May 31, 2013 at 12:46 AM UTC
(Read from the bottom up)
~kns
At the bottom.
Old news.
Dead.
Nothing but deflated.
Now I’m no one.
the sneering planes.
the disdainful clouds,
the sarcastic stars,
The mocking planets
Past the laughing heavens.
I’m falling now.
POP.
It backfires.
Everything.
Every ***** trick.
Every lie.
I use everything I have to get up there.
I struggle.
Higher.
Higher.
Higher.
I need to go
Yet, I’m not satisfied.
The imperfect heavens.
The shoddy planets.
The second-rate stars.
The mediocre clouds.
Beyond the substandard planes.
I’m at the top.
To dwell in the shining heavens.
To greet the egotistical planets.
To outshine the fading stars.
to test the pressure of the atmosphere.
my greedy desire,
I must fulfill my need,
Higher than any cloud has ever reached.
height.
To float higher than
height.
in a competition of
To beat each plane
than to go higher.
Nothing else matters
Higher.
Higher.
Higher.
I’m floating now.
Freedom.
I grab the chance to get out.
releases its grip.
It gets distracted and
some cruel being.
Chained to the ground by the claws of
At the bottom.
Mar 26, 2013
Mar 26, 2013 at 12:41 AM UTC
Lately I've been getting
really bad headaches
and I can't seem to figure out why
because this has never before been
a problem.
I try to go about my day and be happy,
but the second i do,
migraine.
They're bad, too.
My head literally feels like it's going to
implode,
leaving me to be a headless ghost
falling to my knees
and crumpling to the ground
in a pathetic heap,
never even knowing what happened.
I don't know whats going on,
but I feel like these headaches
might just mean something.
Maybe its too much stress
or too much pressure.
Maybe I just cant deal with
the weight of the world
for too long.
Maybe thats the problem.
I simply can't handle life.
These migraines are warning signs
that my breaking point is near
and I need to just break myself away
from society,
for at least a couple moments
just to take a breather
and massage my temples
and calm down
and possibly even cry
because crying really does help sometimes
and tell myself that its going to be alright
and that I can handle this
and I can handle life.
These migraines really will be the death of me.
~kns
Apr 5, 2013
Apr 5, 2013 at 1:46 AM UTC
do you know how wonderful
your eyes are?
those beautiful eyes that are
more mysterious than the
corners of the universe,
that have more depth
than the deepest trenches
of the ocean
that are closest to the core
of the earth.
those frost-bitten irises that make my
thoughts stop cold in their tracks,
the blue that's so icy
it freezes my heart in place.
that bone-chilling gaze
that throws an avalanche of
memories and emotions
at me until I'm buried and
suffering from hypothermia.
~kns
Mar 26, 2013
Mar 26, 2013 at 2:09 PM UTC
there exists a girl
who is different
people whisper about her
and snicker amongst themselves
"something is wrong with her," they say
"she's crazy"
"she can't be normal"
"she ISNT normal"
so they try forcing her to be
they put her on medication
they put her in hospitals
they look down at her with false smiles
they pretend to be concerned
but she knows the truth
they
do
not
care
and they never will
but even through it all
the girl is happy
because she doesn't care if she is normal
she is different
she is unique
she is special
not everyone likes her
or the things she does
or the things she says
but the people who do,
they love her
and she holds on to that
and she grows stronger
and she found hope
and she is happy
~kns
Jun 14, 2013
Jun 14, 2013 at 2:04 AM UTC
Don't ever let people know
that you're attached to them.
Make it seem as if you could care less
whether they're in your life or not,
even though you really want nothing more
than for them to stay
forever.
Don't ever let people know
that you've cried for them--
over them.
They'll use it against you
and throw your biggest weakness
in your face
leaving you completely vulnerable
and raw
and broken
and crying.
Don't ever let people know you love them.
Trust me, they don't care.
Not one single bit.
Sure they might tell you that
they love you too,
and maybe they do.
For the time being.
But things change.
Feelings change.
People change.
All in a matter of seconds.
People only love you when it's convenient for them,
or when they have
no one better to love.
It's all a sick
twisted
game of chess.
Constantly trying to protect your king,
or in this case
your heart,
but your opponent is always
one
step
ahead
and you lose.
~kns
Apr 30, 2013
Apr 30, 2013 at 9:53 PM UTC
I'm sitting on the bedroom floor
at almost 4 in the morning
holding a little bottle
of migraine pills
in my trembling hands
and the bottle is shaking
and the tiny capsules are rattling
and screaming
and begging to be released
and I have half a mind to
listen to them
and grant their wish
and end it all.
I'm holding a little bottle
of migraine pills
in my trembling hands
and honestly
nothing has ever fit
so
perfectly.
~kns
Jun 20, 2013
Jun 20, 2013 at 3:15 AM UTC
It's almost seven a.m.
and I can't sleep.
I want to blame the internet,
but we both know
that's just an excuse.
So what do I blame then?
Can I blame it on stress?
What about my imagination?
Why is it so hard to get a good nights rest, lately?
Something once so simple has turned into
the most arduous task.
I want to fix this,
but how?
I've tried counting sheep,
but that only leaves me
dizzy and confused.
I've tried listening to sad songs,
but that just makes me ponder the lyrics
and musical genius.
So what do I do now?
Because surely,
I can't just close my eyes
and sleep.
~kns
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 12:58 AM UTC
Have you ever
been suddenly awakened
from a dream
an illusion
that you thought was reality
but it wasn't
and everything you ever knew isn't
and the one you always called mom
suddenly isn't
and the one you never called dad
suddenly is
and the place that never felt like home
still isn't
but even more so now
and the place that was never home
but sometimes felt like it was
suddenly is
and everything is backwards
and everything is wrong
even though it's supposed to be right
this can't be happening
but it's happening
this is real
~kns
Mar 27, 2013
Mar 27, 2013 at 9:46 AM UTC
I will never forget
the first time I ever went to your house
and the way you gave me a tour
while holding me gently
from behind
hugging me the entire time
only causing us to stumble over
each others feet,
but we didnt mind,
we were always there to
catch each other
or fall together.
How could I forget the first time
that same exact night
that we first made love
and it was on your springy couch
at 2 in the morning
and the situation sounds
so wrong
but the moment felt
so right
and afterwards you looked at me
and you told me you loved me
for the very first time
and it felt so authentic
and it WAS so authentic
and I wanted to say it back
but the words were stuck in my throat
and the moment was shattered
but not to you
never to you
because you truly did love me
and you didn't care if I said it or not
because you knew the truth,
that I loved you too.
So now here we are
with me still loving you
and you not loving me back
and it hurts
because that night
just felt
so
right
but I couldn't have been more wrong.
~kns
Mar 27, 2013
Mar 27, 2013 at 12:45 AM UTC
The worst moment in life
is undoubtedly
that awful moment
when you suddenly realize--
you are completely insignificant.
You are not important.
You won't do anything to change anything.
And this bothers you.
You want to contribute.
You want to feel needed.
You want to create a big enough impact on something that
it will change forever.
Perhaps this is why we all want to fall in love so desperately.
We all have that empty void in our hearts that needs to be filled.
We need to feel needed,
to feel important to someone.
To change them for the better.
To feel like we have finally done something good.
And to just matter.
Even to only one person.
One person really can mean the world to you.
And you can mean the world to another person.
Maybe then you won't feel that desperate need to feel important
or to matter to the rest of the planet.
Because that one person will be your world.
And you'll matter to them.
And that will be enough.
~kns
Oct 15, 2013
Oct 15, 2013 at 3:28 PM UTC