Hey, my beautiful boy
You hold the ocean in your eyes
So deep blue, I got lost in you

You loved me like no other
And I cannot replace you
Nor can I erase your touch  

It's always beckoned me
Demanding of me
And I, craving of it

Our love was intimate
The *** wasn't just one and done
It was different

We held each other
Made sure the other was ok
Eye contact and shared the same breath

We moved as one, not two looking for simple pleasure
Pleasure came from your hand on my face alone
I didn't need your body to ****** into love

The image of your handsome face
It's forever lovely stuck on my mind
Your name tastes sweet rolling off my tongue

Forever is how long I will long for you
Forever is how long I will cherish you
Forever is how long I will love you

Forever could never be long enough for me
Forever could never be enough for me
Forever is a small amount of time

My love, you've got a grip on me
It will not let me go
And I'm ok with being a sweet prisioner

Sometimes I forget that you are real. I forget that you aren't a fragment of my imagination and the curly haired boy I see out of the corner of my eye isn't a ghost. It's you.
Sometimes I forget that I didn't imagine that smell of old spice and olay body soap mixed together to form the perfect aroma that lingered a little too long on my clothes after I went home.
Sometimes I forget that I didn't dream of those picnic dates we had on your bed while you played video games and I slept in your lap.
I convinced myself that I made you up because it was easier than admitting that I pushed you away even when you told me that you didn't like comitment.
I try to forget yesterday. I don't want to think of the familiar feeling of my head in your lap and your hand on my back, tracing small circles... because that means intamacy. It means you still love me and we are stuck in this small void of forever and I love you.
I try to convince myself you aren't real.

Memory is too fragile
Too often it forgets the past
All your happiness is faded
Your timeline, unsure and jaded

It remebers the biggest stuff
The "important" events and things
But leaves out intamacy
In the details of legacy

The little day to day gestures,
Moments of bliss are neglected
"Insignifigant" adventure
And all the laughter that they lure

These are the things I want to keep,
What I want memorialized
On my conciousness for ever
All these times we shared together

Precious moments unforgotten
Like the wind tossling my hair
And you sliding it back in place
How you lightly caressed my face

Every breathless time my heart stopped
And butterflies bred at  your touch
Every kiss imprinted in time
The veiws from the mountains we climb

The way we shudder and tremble
And whipser "I Love you" 's with care
The jokes  we shout, the games we play
The songs we sing, the things we say

These fleeting moments are ereased
To make way for pain or glory
Things with ceremony or scars
Not as good as sleeping in cars

Let my legacy be of my
Good times, fun times, small times when I
Made a difference for once and for
The smiles and laughs of my trade floor

I want to remeber these things
The small things that make up our lives
Because they make them all worth more
Than I ever thought before

do you still think it was real what we felt
or are you embarrassed by its very occurance?
do you accept it as victory or defeat?
did you kiss anybody on new years eve?
you must type my number into your phone
wanting to hit call but then you don't
or are there pages of words written for me
that break you a little to know i'll never read?
if you can't sleep at night what the **** do you do?
do you wonder if we both have an intamacy issue?
was it depression or was it just me?
drawing lines and measuring distances so we couldn't be real
if i told you right now that i am sorry
i don't know if you'd respond 'me too' or 'don't bother'
i used to know you inside out
now i have no new memories to store in my head
it's funny how i worried about breaking your heart
and completely forgot that i had my own to tear apart
still no amount of jager makes me tell you i miss you
so either i don't or i'm still the coward you fell in love with

Well you know I am crystal clear-
But the glass that I am is broken.
Shattered on the floor- what a mess.
And sad to say but,
You don't resemble a broom or brush.
You alone can't pick me up.
My words, my thoughts, my dreams-
You can't change or re-build them.
You cannot fix me, cure me, be me.
I've been burned so many times,
I tend to avoid the flame.

Find me in the room,
melting into the shaddows.
Though I fear the dark,
it tends to be where I reside.
So you can never fully reach me-

I can't help but shudder at the feeling,
of someones hands on my skin.
When you are used to being alone,
you tend to forget what intamacy feels like.

A friend once told me they hated,
sleeping alone.
But I laughed inside my head,
because I thought it was a joke.
How hilarious.

SUNDAY
written: July 13, 09 sunday (of course)

simplicity just isnt me
intricate intamacy
leaves me breatheless
helpless

don't leave me here naked
stripped of all i am
don't leave me here now to die in my shame
and give into my concioius screaming my name
this is where you take away the pain
you inflict on me
help me breathe
please

and i broke
though i swore i wouldn't
and i only blame myself
and they tell me i shouldn't
i should hate you
for only wanting this from me
but i couldn't stand too make you unhappy

your miserable
and i pity your insanity
and i'm terrible
for trying to make you happy
at least that's what they think

i'm torn
and i don't want to do this anymore
but i can't stand to let you go cuz it'd hurt you,hurt me more then you know

you help me breathe
the only thing keeping me sane while pushing me over the edge of insanity
the pain oh the pain

let me pull up my pants
i can't unless you tell me your satisfied with me
finally happy
ive given up fighting agaist your hands
someday they'll understand why i can't live without them

your invisible touch
suduction that inspires my ****** lust
for you
this is all i have to do
to prove to you i'm true  

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you asked me too

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you need me too

it's the least i can do
for someone so upset
for someone who needs me
i can't hold regret
for you, i'll never forget
though remembering makes me sick
a lifetime of this uncurable illness
a sacrafice i took to try to save you from your disease
and i'd willing die naked to save you from your suffering

She picks and plays on my guitar,
While I lay.
Here in this room where we share intamacy, laughter, and many of these moments that make my heart warm again.
I was looking for a lover,
You were looking for a friend.
I was seeking abroad,
When you fell into me.
Like a ship I was capsized,
But you were the first to dive in the water.
Diving straight into me.
Deep blue love.

I never knew what loneliness was until I your cure for it
you detached me from identity
you dismissed me from a capaticy to feel and ignored that I ached for you
ached to love you with my faceless face
ached to love you with my body that you made mechanical
ached to love you with my soul that you denied, refused, dismissed, me of having
your intentions blurred me into nothing and you say that that was not your intent
but why do you take me like you mean to write me into poetry but then erase my essence off your pages
you are a black hole diminishing me into an abyss of your neglect, and rejection so I am ceaselessly falling into your darkness and not your love

to love you with all my exsistencne nonexsistently
I alway love with all my exsistence nonexsistently

I am alone in my accidental purpose and reasons and secrets and confessions and everything unspoken
i want to be silence to you
the silence that echos with words and feelings that exsist but remain nonexsistent
and i ache to love you with my voiceless voice but whats the use in emphasiszing my insanity by speaking aloud to myself?
so ill stay consumed in thinking to myself thoughts meant for you deprived of meaning by you

I've been alone in love every time I've loved
and alone I love more
but i've never felt such utter loneliness before as you keep a memeory but forget me within it
fade me into insignificance so my name is a word and not a meaning, not a nickname for my essence but remembered as just a presence
a witness to you breathing-dissolving myself into your inhale and vanishing as you expel me with your exhale

i look into your eyes like i look into a mirror
trying to see myself inside but being nothing more than a surface reflection

i never understood lonliness until i felt yours
the disconnect as our eyes connected
the detachement as our hands attached
the distance as our lips met

never have I felt so far when being so close
never have I craved so much an intamacy that will never be intimate
never have I felt love in being so unloved

before i was alone but did not feel the pain of solitude
before i was in solitdue but did not feel the hurt of being alone
now i'm in a lonely love for you
and i'm addicted to the nothingness you make me
but i wish you loved me into something
i wish you loved me

Reprimanded cityscapes
Land fated in concrete slates
Date with disaster
A trait of nuerosis. Faster and complusive
Make moves on asphalt, elusive
Straight abusive of late
Centuries to make lenses of fate
Baited humanity
Takes debates of philosophies, psychologies to heart
Makes them fate
Mythologies and anthologies
Satiate the reasin we procreate
To recreate humanity in gods vision as we see today
Irregularities and tragic parodys parry us back to where we began. A ferry from the lqnd of eden. An apple eaten
Adam and Eve forbidden, corrosive and up for biddin'
poison inlayed in veins
You aint kiddin when you say youll eat my brain.
Sin and evil slain, i run back and forth in place between the yin and yang

You aint lyin when you say your insane. I love it baby
its just change not sense
In inflamed with your scent
Smell it everywhere i go
Youre millions to cents
Like a fairy lullaby or maybe Khoas
You shake, maybe we could lay in intamacy for infinity
A love song this became
Cadence inlayed in the movement of streets that seperate us. In sheets that penetrate us.
Imperative lust, imperfect trust
Who are you? a cusp between picses and aries? do you carry all that i felt and shared. Take care but hear in my lair, defeated lain upon slated heroes shared upon plated zeroes
Old ideas pirroueted like leos on a dance stage. Im a leo on this stage but you lay in my bed not sure if all i felt and shared is truly cared for.

Closer to you, than at a distance
Familiar attraction, with no resistance
Close yet away, and come what may
Believe this LOVE, with ever-persistence

Intamacy unknown, with pure anticipation
Hyper-lustful cravings, wild temptation
A realm alone, and all our own
Transcending the most exalted imagination!

Playful affection, young love to renew
Such rejuvenating feeling, pure and true
Happy with our choice, and to hear it in your voice
Makes me feel like a love-bird, "coo coo coo..."

Oh there may be tough times ahead
Especially given the lives we've both led
dreams of you shall get me through
Thoughts of life, home, and a loving bed...

Kasey I promise:

Within each other shall we so heal
Ourselves once more, shall we both feel
Free and clear, no more fear my dear
If only for once, we do this fore eral.

I never understood
how people could drink tea right after it left the stove
or how holding hands holds that much
importance,
or how many times i miss you counts over and over
and how someone can do so much for one
at a table for two and feeling like it, too
not that one side, one-handed, one backhanded
table tennis serve, practice wall *******.
And i never understood how someone could take their coffee all sugar
i never understood what physical intamacy was
and how you could have both emotional and
physical
and how hard it is to stop myself from caring
or how irrational i could be
and how you can matter,
you and your Bob Dylan, broken chair, black projector
can matter, how
grocery trips and carwashes
can matter, how
much i can care about something in no more than a month
can matter, how
i hope you can be after because i hope i can be too.
If i could show you how much you mattered i would,
I never understood
how to before.

Rapid Infarction.

What was.
Became through the showering sound of.
Why.
Screamed into oblivion.
The rush.
Stabbed through the psychedelic spiral.
& vomited upon from the mahogany floor.
Crashed and wedded in embrace.
Held by wind from the creak.
The silence.
The intamacy.
Only to be welded into nothing.
But the field of reeds to keep company.



Garrett Johnson.