Every emotion I had grasped in my mind from the beginning to end was just aspiring dishonesty. Is it that I wished it was false or was my vague memory creating another sugar-coated scenario? But, this was not sweet. My mind was no longer set to correct my actions. My heart, or what was left in tact ran as far as it could to shelter. But, there was no shelter. My life was wide open as it always had been...but his was not. It never would be. It was not that he lied, but was completely honest. He said he loved me. I was screaming inside. “How could you do this to me...again?” I was always his rubble of emotions to throw out when it was too much for him to handle. Life itself was way beyond his reach. I could never comprehend this about him. All I ever wanted to do was love him. But, without his mind being clear he himself would never be present in love or any situation for the matter, and he would soon disappear. Extinct to the society where love was the farthest, but yet greatest reward. It was not an excuse. Not this time. Not ever. I guilted at these words.
How could I damage him anymore than he already claimed to be? He could say that it was not me. It did no use. I always grasped the thought that I could **** one’s self worth. It was not my intention. I spent so long blaming it on love. I was right. How else could I betray the one friend that made my life a shameless place for me to show self expression? I did it for him. He held my heart to a higher amount than his own.
Jan 4, 2016
Jan 4, 2016 at 2:12 AM UTC
tear into my flesh
and open me up like
a raider would his treasure
rip my bolts off
fling me open
do not be surprised
when there is nothing inside
amalgamate with my flesh
and melt into me like
the snow to the loam
mingle our ventricles
synthesize with me
do not be surprised
when life becomes heavier
pour into my flesh
and fill me up like
the ocean into the wreckage
suffuse every corner
expel my atmosphere
do not be surprised
when you watch me asphyxiate
lacerate my flesh
rip into me like
the galaxy into the unknown
eagerly penetrate my depths
pull me apart
do not be surprised
when you only see your reflection
decamp from my flesh
and jilt me like
the bride did her lover
abandon my body
cast it aside
do not be surprised
when you lose your way
May 29, 2015
May 29, 2015 at 12:19 AM UTC
my computer is dying and you're gone and i'm glad but you keep trying to poke your way back in through tiny cracks that i ought to seal but instead i leave open because if you found them closed you would ache and i can't do that even if it is what you deserve and i am already moving on because someone else appreciates me and i appreciate me and you didn't so you're gone and i'm glad and someone is quickly appearing in my peripheral but i don't want them to be you and i don't want to want them because of you as far as i can tell i just like them and so you're gone and i'm glad but you keep seeping in through these cracks that i should probably seal soon because it's rather annoying to see little bits of you here and there and i don't want them around because i'm moving forwards and i don't want you around because you're gone and i'm glad and if you'd stay gone i'd be gladder
May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 11:43 PM UTC
you, who loved me so unconditionally, loved me only for so long.
you, who made promises for the future, knew not what our futures held.
you, who handcuffed me to your shadow, snuck quietly away into the darkness.
you, who feared being left alone, did not at all fear leaving another lonely.
you, who stole my heart and kept it to yourself, built up walls to keep you guarded.
you, who wound me around your finger, stayed far away from mine.
you, who spoke the words 'i love you', spoke lies.
May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 11:43 PM UTC
ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
*the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear*
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends
May 25, 2015
May 25, 2015 at 1:18 AM UTC
I am not a door mat.
Your foot prints do
not belong on my heart.
Do not fall in love with
a knock at the door,
and most importantly
a person's arms are not
a home
Apr 17, 2015
Apr 17, 2015 at 12:32 PM UTC
We are never at peace
Although thats how it seems
And the weight I've been carrying
Has finally been lifted off my shoulders
But i've kept my walls up and they are closley gaured
As I will find my lover
And he shall find me
But until then I prepare for WWIII
Apr 7, 2015
Apr 7, 2015 at 10:02 PM UTC
Sometimes I forget that you are real. I forget that you aren't a fragment of my imagination and the curly haired boy I see out of the corner of my eye isn't a ghost. It's you.
Sometimes I forget that I didn't imagine that smell of old spice and olay body soap mixed together to form the perfect aroma that lingered a little too long on my clothes after I went home.
Sometimes I forget that I didn't dream of those picnic dates we had on your bed while you played video games and I slept in your lap.
I convinced myself that I made you up because it was easier than admitting that I pushed you away even when you told me that you didn't like comitment.
I try to forget yesterday. I don't want to think of the familiar feeling of my head in your lap and your hand on my back, tracing small circles... because that means intamacy. It means you still love me and we are stuck in this small void of forever and I love you.
I try to convince myself you aren't real.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 10:32 PM UTC
They were lovers don't you see. They ruled the kingdom of the skies with an iron fist of intimacy. Their pure passion washed over the kingdom like the grey-ish blue waves that violently crahsed over the rocky bottom of a treacherous cliff, one after another never stopping. They were dearly loved by all. Hated by few. Despised by one: Destiny.
Destiny had wounds too deep to penetrate with lust like theirs. Destiny had too thick of scabs to peel away with their tender hearts.
Destiny was too bitter to love at all and used her agony against the king and queen and over came their rule. She banished one to the skies and the other to the plains, doomed to never see each other again.
The plan was full-proof, she never had to deal with her own self wallowing pain, caused by their affection, and rather strive on their cries of reunion, but what Destiny didnt realize, the moon was very cunning like a snake of the forest, lying and manipulative. He made a deal with the devil.
The lord of the ground promised him his girl, if he could create a time of the day that everyone feared, and which his demons could roam freely. So he created night. Crowned king of his own creation the moon was granted his girl. Every night for twelve hours the two sing to each other, wishing again for the love they once had, traveling all of the lands, being chased by the sun, never resting; never landing. The moon and the wolf.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 12:53 AM UTC