unsuccessful potatoes & you found a tree in the ocean
i spent the afternoon digging, digging
my fingernails into my own fear of commitment
the fear of my own reputation

now the cat's in heat & richard nixon (the dog)
is teasing her with his trump card
she takes it
& squeezes it
very gently
then rips it open madly & snarls
& it oozes and drips out of her mouth
we all pick up a thousand pieces of a minute

i cremated my sister this morning & new spirits
arrived at my doorstep before noon
they sang to me of instinct,
whinnying about the antique zenith
up in cheyenne

"gimmie some secrets" she said
so i carved them
into my arm
into a minotaur's chest
into a giant looking glass
into a wooden boat
& i set sail for the sundial,
"there is no truth"
my eyes are wax & the ocean
means nasty filth

but everything is useless now
frogs carry high powered harmonicas
& walk into the spells of Poe
& into the hexagrams of Hamlet

i do not want to carry a pitchfork across
some godforsaken desert
i do not want to feel my own evaporation
while the real artists brood in the meantime
i want to waste away on a slushy evening
i will live in my armpit
& hate you
& never wear deodorant

"your mind is small--it is limited--why must you understand?"

Ok, gimme me your best day, take your best shot at perfection.
Our minds take experiences and press them grape-like,
into the intoxicating liquor of memory.
The vivid ones linger - unaltered - like youthful Internet mistakes forever posted.
Someday to beckon us back, teasingly - like bright, neon signage.
.
Peter’s off again to job interview (second round, in Geneva), he was only here two days but something of him remained behind. Oh, fingerprints for sure - but memories too - like scattered Christmas wrappings - or a poem.

you wanna be happy dontcha?
Not 'till I reach the state of Anhedonia
never heard a such place.
Well I guess that you've been blessed
Good cheer and health, good taste I guess
Seems Old Man your way's the best
But I wasn't taught the same
and i know you're not to blame
What the hell is it that it makes grown men drool
Well it's not the Bright Side but The Dark Side of The Spoon.
Blissfull Bafoons The Beguiled, miscreant, Fiendish Fools.
Dim Lit hid in Vastness of the last Lunar New Moon
Beg that you see and awaken. You and every one else awaken too.
how good does it feel to fly above ridicule?*
Gimmie some money and ill show you old fool

I called a friend of mine,
you see I've always scratched her back
you know and she's scratched mine.

What makes me crazy is that
she's always one to take,
she's always on the make.

You gimmie and grab
and turn around and gouge
out my eyes,
you talk real ****,
you don't answer any of my whys.
My thousands of whys.

Well so long now,
sorry but I got to go...

Yes so long, it's been a slice,
shaking loose of you is like
putting down a vice.

Golden earrings and pretty bobbles
couldn't clean up your act.
You've walked barefoot across the floor, broken fragments of glass,
everywhere, and you were there,
but, oh so was I.
I was there too

I've given you my very best,
yes I've given you my very best,
and what do I get?
I get treated worse than all of them,
worse than all the rest.

I wish I could remember
if it was a movie or if
I  heard it in a dream.
It doesn't matter much now,
Because when
I see you coming
I just want to leave.

Just like Dylan said, "A whole lot of people dying tonight
from the disease of conceit."

I've tried taking you aside
and softly admonishing  you,
that ended in a stalemate,
what good did it  do..

You wore my Austrailian hat and battered it black and blue.
You took my painting and  threw away the frame,
I lend you money
and you drink it away.

I don't talk about drawing a line,
I just do it and
if you're in you're right mind
you won't cross it
unless you really want
the **** to hit the fan.

This conflict, I must confess,
well it can make me cry.
every time you
turn around
you're telling me another lie.

I feel a lot of ambivalence .
I don't want to hear you any more.
Some times I think I want silence,
some times I think I want to even the score.

Man, I am on
cloud nine,
look what anger does,
as if I'm in a fight.
I just get to average,
but by no means normal,
the only normal I have found
is the cycle on a  washing machine.

I'm not sinkin' in a hole
that was dug real deep by you,
thinking
this old world is all ****** up
and
you don't want to play the game,


You'd just end up leaving me,
so sad and feeling so full of shame.

Do you love me, let me count the ways,
it's not that I don't care,
it's not that I don't want to be there.

I just don't know any more...
what's that sound
telling me I have fix it,
that I have to
put it right.
Now you're looking
to put me down,
always wanting
to start a fight.

You're acting so abstract,
while with me it's so 'as a matter of fact'.
Knowing no one has even half the answers.

I couldn’t sleep. I was lying in bed watching the patterns reflected moonlight made on my ceiling when I heard the faint beep of the kitchen microwave. I smelled popcorn.

I decided to fill up my water bottle and see who was up. I slipped on a thick, terrycloth robe I’d gotten from Lisa last Christmas. It must weigh 15 pounds and it’s so warm and heavy I seldom wear it.

I silently glided into the main room. Leong was standing at one of our two large picture windows staring out at the night. Her left arm cradling a bowl of ultimate-butter popcorn. Anna told me last night that Leong and her long-time boyfriend, who’s back in China, had broken up. They’d been together forever and had been expected to marry.

A bright half-moon was hanging high over campus, an electric ornament on a velvet background, its moonlight glint painted the world, like ice on mountaintops.

“I heard about your breakup,” I said, “what does it mean?” In Leong’s world, who you dated was of family interest. That person had to be approved, their bona fides proven - they had to fit into some long term plan.

“It means I can’t be tamed,” she said, with soft bravado. After a moment, she spoke again, more seriously. “It’s better this way - for now - someday..,” she trailed off.

I understood. All of our hopes are resting on someday, like so many wagers at a casino. I imagined some gambler, stepping up to a betting window, in an old black-and-white movie, saying, ”Gimmie 5 bucks on Someday to win.”

Something in her voice, a brittleness, precluded further questions. I looked at the clock, it read 3:47. I gave her a hug and yawning, filled up my water bottle from the refrigerator's filtered tap.

“See ya.” I whispered and headed off, back to bed. With any luck I could squeeze another hour's sleep out of the morning.

Ugh,
I got this.
Felt like yesterday we was just spitting in the room
Now I'm 25 years old bout to be on the move
We both knew this was coming soon
But how come I can't quite say I'm excited, while lookin back at you?
Because things have to change and I know it hurts
Growing pains coming in, ****
I know they hurt
But the memories always will last and family remains my whole
And I'll never forget the one place that I will always call home.

I got few things to say before I go and fly away
I remember all the traditions, all the holidays
Remember the bunk bed being filled with me and Renee
Knowing santa was coming soon, as we tried to stay awake
Playing games till the sunrise with me and my brother
Coming home real late and just talking life with my mother.
Can't forget listening to tunes with my baby sis
****, those the moments I think imma really miss
But the memories always will last and family remains my whole
And I'll never forget the one place that I will always call home.

Let take ya back to the glory days
Friends knocking on my door to see if I can come out and play
Remember playing every sport till the sun went down
Trying HOLLA at all the girls when ever we'd walk to town
The block to the spot we was holding it down
No phones, no sense of time just on our bikes strolling around.
****, how things have changed
The stories I have would fill up this whole page
I'm proud of all them now and see them all making moves
It's just part of life, growing up. Imma miss ya and just hope we always stay cool. But the memories always will last and family remains my whole
And I'll never forget the one place that I will always call home.

I told myself I wouldn't breakdown in this last verse
But it's hard to walk away from the one place you'd always go first
Leaving at all the memories, **** that's the worst
I'm playing tough guy, I won't cry! Really internally I'm about to burst.
Time has past so fast when did I become this man?
Making momma proud of her first child has always been my plan
She told me "she's happy for me but gunna miss the conversations"
But she know my phone always on and her call, I'll be waiting
I dreamed of this moment and knew God wanted me patient
Held my breath for so long I nearly fainted, this was the piece work that I've always painted
Scared as hell and can't tell ya what's bout to come next
But I know life waitin for me and I can't wait for what comes next
Growth part of the journey
As its glory we're yearning
Thank you lord...I can finally feel my life start turning.
Took me out of the dark and let me see the brand new
Never give up when you're down, you can get back up. That all im tryna say to you
But the memories always will last and family remains my whole
And I'll never forget the one place that I will always call home.

(Turn the music off!)  
Yeah,
This is my last thing and I know God got a plan for me and I wanted to talk quick to my family tree
Thank ya for never quitting, giving up on me. I promise to take what all ya taught with me. Renee taught me to be calm, Cori showed me how to be free, Eric showed me how a brother can mean most to me.
All three ya always mean the most to me. If wasn't for your gifts, there would be no glow to me.
But last and not least gotta talk my mama
Superwoman! The one who put up with years of drama
Teaching me how to be strong and covered me with armor
"Be a good person" never wanted bad karma
We escaped the worst, you took me outta the Devils hurst. Seeing you cry by a man always felt the worst
I grew up strong because you always lead by example. Raising a man on her own must of been a handful!
But you created a gentleman and nice young man,
Who treats women with respect and does right when he can.
Mama you're my shining star and biggest fan.
You're the center piece to the puzzle of our amazing fam.
I promise I'll give back to you, gimmie time, watch your son become a good man.
As he leaves where he's from and goes off on his own,
Remember ya, no matter where ya go...there's no place like home. (Echos out)

My roommates and I congregated in our suite's great room and we’ll head out for dinner soon.

“Have you ever eaten dog food?” Leong asked Anna.
“No,” Anna answered, “it smells like chicken - it’s got chicken in it”
“OOO!” Leong pounces, “Busted!!”
“What?!” Anna reacts.  
“How would you know that then?” Leong asks, doubtfully.
“My mom told me!” Anna cries, in self defense. “She’s a vegetarian too.”
“Your mom told you.” Leong said, like a prosecutor raising an eyebrow for the jury.

“I just took my last English class,” I report, pony-tailing my hair, “my teacher told me - privately - that my writing destroys.”
“Nice,” Lisa says.
“Yeah,” I say, smiling and grooming with pride, “I thought that was a ballin’ complement and I’ve been riding that high.”
“No doubt,” Anna says and nods.
“My English professor..” Leong says, exasperated, “is driving me crazy, I’ve written three final papers so far and she’s rejected them ALL.”
“Huh?” I gasp, “Show me one!” I demand, wiggling gimmie-fingers at her laptop.

“Here’s a question,” Lisa asks the room, “What would you change about your childhood?”
“I would have never grown up.” Sophy said.
“When I was in third grade, in the UK, a girl in my elementary school, was murdered,” I reveal.
“What?!” Anna says.
“Oh, my GOD!” Lisa gasps.
“Spill” Leong demands.
“Her name was Kennedy,” I begin, “She was in another class, I didn’t know her but I started to imagine that I’d known her. I’d think of her playing on the swings in a yellow dress, in daydreams and in nightmares.”
“I can see that,” Leong said.
“I was flummoxed, at the time, how a family could lose a little girl and a president.” I added.
Anna looked confused.
“I was in third grade,” I replied, ”what did I know?”
“Go ON,” Lisa prompts.
“We heard that she was walking home and got snatched,” I continued.
“Jesus,” Lisa said, shaking her head.
“Although I never walked home, I was careful not to be snatched for a while,” I summarized.
“I bet,” Anna agreed.
“That’s what I’d change,” I said, “Poor Kennedy.”
“People ****,” Lisa pronounced, and there was general agreement to that.

You are my doctor
keepin health up ,
gimmie what i need, when i need, without me even knowing i need,  

letting me breathe.

easy rest, easy sleep, easy feel, slightly queasy or uneasy, steady me in the storm.

dock into harbour
take off the armour
hear my thoughts like no other
baby you my one time lover but my full time homie
you show me you care in the slightest of touches followed by dancing on clouds and deep sea trenches
we do the things for each other , your home is mine and mine is yours
this is what we feel like when we touch , to me ,
agreement in decisions - trust is golden
coffee and tea , gin and whisky , choice drinks

share a plate
share a bed
share our bodies
share our minds
share , share , share
to infinity and beyond !!

when we out - everyone knows it , we are a pair of lovers who love everyone
because we love ourselves , definitively.

True Aim.

Gimmie a thick ****
With a big ****
So I can nut
Before the deep cut

A pound of draw
Word I saw
Kick her out the door
Ain't seein' her no more

Drop that cold hard lyric
**** I give,call me a synic
I'm in it to win it
So gimmie a minute

Its not an apathetic mind state
I'm irate
Outlaw,land pirate
I'll drink a ******* crate

While I mastabate
During a mass debate
Over the fate
Of mans *******,but wait...

Check the chick tied to the bed
She give good head
But when I said
I'd rather be dead

Her jaw dropped all irrational
She needs to liven up,I'm a cannibal
I'm a fan of all
Each creature with a mandible

Strip flesh clean down to the bone
I'll leave your family alone
Cos they clean out my zone
I won't atone

For the thing I do next
Mandem is vext
When I don't get back text
left feeling perplexed

he rubs his fingers slowly
over the smooth surface
chewing his lip
her vacant eyes consume him from across the small room
her naked sweat glistening and pulsating in the harsh
industrial light
there is only the low mechanical sound
of the machine as it slowly digests her mind
piece by inglorious piece
absent chewing sound he thought might have made this bearable
her lips are slack
and a single string of drool flows down onto her chest
her face is a livid smile caught in
the midst of unspeakable *******
and her fingers trace out the words
more...i want more, ***** gimmie more
but her plea is unseen by him
he just wants this to end
leaning over he wipes away the drool
and kisses her
she spits in his face
and digs her nails into his hand
placing it on the textbook
that teaches about pavlov's dog
she mutters 'woof woof baby'
she wants to have her mind
that has troubled her for far too long
to be castrated
she wants to be without the
thoughts
the terrible thoughts
that something could change
if the right sequence could be hit upon
if the right person could walk through the door
he sighs
and pry's loose her weak grasp
the machine has finished
she awakens
'is it over?'
'no'
'woof woof baby'

Sometimes
I wonder what you’d say
Would you walk away
and let me follow in your wake
laughing about the feeling of your
rain that kisses the curves of your tan softened face the way I wish I could,
the very rain that seeps into the laugh lines of your eyes, the rain pools that cut outs of your smile
would you let me linger in the decadence of your sarcasm
would you let me sit next to you while you laugh
In that way you lazy way you do
when you
lay back against the wooden
bench
Or would you hold me close,
close enough to smell your aftershave
and let me see your broken nails
and torn calluses
close enough to feel your stubble on my cheek and feel your breath on my jaw
close enough to put my hands around your back and feel the scars that reside just out of my reach
Would you let me avoid telling
the truth to myself and shut me
up like a gull at night, so peaceful until it reaches the peak where night is no longer dark, and suddenly a cacophony of  screeching worse than the alarms on the traditional alarm clock
or would you let me fall
onto an open-ended, double edged
question
sharper than a thumbtack and twice as rusty
Do I even have the courage to tell
you?
Or am I a molotav cocktail
and waiting until smashed to
crash and burn
Would you even let me open my
metal mouth and let my tongue
carve waves into your soul and tear you up
so you feel half as bad as i do
alone.
Would you let me read your
texts?
and ask me why she was upset?
or would you even come near me
I open my mouth to tell you
“Hey! I need to say something!”
“Yeah?”
“Gimmie a hand?”
You said okay.
that wasnt what I wanted to ask
but
You said okay
and smiled
like an empty glass of expired wine.

Gimmie that hat of yours darlin’. Let’s race up ladders to the top of the book shelf. I crave meaningful conversations so I outgrow this awkward stage. Like those comfy sweat pants I outgrew, the ones I never wanted to take off. They were too **** comfortable. I think you might be the one to buy me a new pair of comfy sweatpants; force me out of the old hemlines. Baby, this cliché is crazy and all those teen poppy songs never felt so true. Rip these hemlines off, force me into a new; let’s learn to climb these ladders together. And once we get to the top, let’s learn to fall because nothing hurts better than falling for you.

The two hidden cameras caught it all.

it was midnight, time to close the store.

he slipped two twenty dollar bills in his hip pocket

as he counted out the register...

As he dropped the days receipts into the floor safe,

he was thinking...

he wished he'd never borrowed that forty dollars from mom.

As he stepped out into the cold night he felt the pelting rain hit his

face... he turned to lock the door and felt something cold

and very hard press into his head...

"gimmie your money....now"

I have no money...

"Im not playing...now"

here...it's all I have forty dollars.

"broke *** *****"

He never heard the gunshot, as the bullet deposited the front of his face

onto the store front...

Karma's a *****...I should of paid mom next week...

As the perpetrator turned and stuck the gun back in his pocket,

he thought to himself...finally...I can give dad back that forty dollars I owe him...

I shaved my legs this morning. “Alexa, put dinosaur Band-Aids on my shopping list.”

Once you get in the college routine, time speeds up
One minute you’re young and carefree
the next you’re young and free-time free.

MIT guys

A group of MIT students were visiting Yale for some event. Sophie, Anna and I were in the residential dining hall. I’d finished eating and I was trying to read, when this group of MIT guys swauntered in.

My impression of MIT guys is that they’re short and they flirt a lot. They’re all over the place, like they’re manic or on holiday and they think they’re going to pick up girls. (on a Tuesday night)

One guy said, “I’m new to the area, could you help me with directions to your house?”

Another came up with, “I’ve just become religious, ‘cause you’re the answer to my prayers.”

“What are you up to tonight?” This short stranger asks, leaning rudely on our table and acting like he’s lookin’ to get inside-the-ride.

“I’ve gotta read two chapters before tomorrow,” I said, somewhat annoyed with these dinkheads. They finally decided (realized) we’re boring and moved on to other female diners.

standing in line

Americans seem to love lines. I hate standing in lines. People don’t line up for things in Paris. There aren’t “bus lines.” The person who guessed right and is closest to where the bus door stops and opens, or the quickest person or the most ruthless person will be first on the bus. There aren’t any lines at cinemas or the boulangerie (bakery) or even at the Apple store - Apple tried to impose American style order - but #forgetaboutit.

possible mistakes

“I want a blonde boyfriend,” Leong said out of the random last night,
”and dye my hair blonde.” Leong’s from Macau, China. Her glossy, cornsilk hair is a sumptuous curtain of raven black.

“Noo,” Anna and Lisa said, almost in unison.
“I’d trade you,” I said, freely offering my baby blonde rat's-nest.

“There’s an individual,” Leong began, “I see when leaving chemistry class, who has the most beautiful head of frosted blonde tips. Let me just show you,” she says, pulling up her phone.

“You got a picture?” Sunny asked - she loves stalking.
“No!” Leong snorted, insultedly, “Investigative research on Instagram.”

“Is this a potential mate?” Sophie asked.
”I think it’s a suiter,” Leong said, slyly smiling, to laughs all around.

“Woah, Let me see em!” Lisa said, reaching for the phone.
“Gimmie!” Anna demands too.

“Should I project it?” Leong asks, waving her phone around to protect it.
“Hells, yes!” Sophie practically shouts.

“So, it’s the frosted tips that get you?” Sunny says, “Ooo, PSA, if you’re a man looking for a beautiful Chinese lover..”

Our 55” TV becomes Leong’s Insta feed and the pic pops up.

There’s a second of silence. “I think it’s a girl,” Lisa said, squinting and tilting her head.

We all study the pic. Is this the right person? I wonder.

“You may be a Lesbian,” Sunny whispers, before the room descends into chaos.

Hey **** it mischief on the track
They told me prison was fate
I turned to em an said I'ma make it to the top livin Hollywood soaking in fame
Ain't gotta worry bout the bills they always paied
Grew up wit holes in the floor now I got security at the door
Swear to God ima make it A million dollars a year that's what I wanna be banking
Doin theses drugs got my eyes looking vacant
Another shot to the brain I'm takin
Celebrate every second I'm free cuz I know how it is when the twelve take it
Love them bad ******* naked standin I front of me and they shake it
I smile they chill for a while then they take it
Girl we can go Rollin through a new city each night
**** it lets go from new york to Vegas
Atlanta to the Hollywood hills do Coke and some acid
Drink with a passion I'm sorry I love you but theses women showing me passion
I ain't perfect I love the feelings theses drugs gimmie when these beautiful women give me attention
I'm a rock star at heart just know that I'm yours
So sick of walking to work my feet ache I wanna sit on my *** and create
Sold so many bags just tryina keep food on the plate
God gimmie the chance I want outta this state it's eating me alive every real one is either dead or inside
I know some real gangsters that won't hesitate to put you on a t-shirt over what I you said
Round here in the 208 you might end up in the mountains no headstone and no one knows where you went
Big city's leave you in the street in Idaho we leave you underneath the earth outta sight outta mind shoulda shut you mouth round here we don't care where you from cuz we Idaho grown so live life free if I to it do like me smoke green trip on mushies and lsd
Drink a lil chill at the bonfire and keep your circle complete

I gotta, gotta new me…

****, so you really let this dude let me get high roaded
And you didnt mind looking in the rearview
The sound of that car sound so uncanny
Because it shoulda been us… but as long as your new vigilante
Will keep tribal dancing 'round your fire
And will keep making your blood rush
The band-aid will eventually fall off
It's all just a withdrawal!

Blrr, blrr, beep

Hey, man, wassup, how you doing?
Havent heard from you in a minute, bro
I know you've been cut
And how you been feeling like a storm drain just above water
But you know these hoes be looking for their own homonym
Haha, you get what I mean?
Yea, bet you do, but hey, chin up, aight?
Dont loose your groove
You'll keep grinding your teeth
Gimmie a call, bud, and talk about what's underneath
Peace

Colleagues might ask, “was Santa Claus good to you”?

I consider briefly, “you mean thee Santa”?
That sanctimonious, judgemental clown,
produced and promulgated by corporate America
as vehicle for annual mass consumption
of soft drinks, fast food and *****?
The Santa that personifies everything wrong with western society,
brought forth during the annual ‘meaning’
that, thanks to him,
has since been rendered meaningless?
     You mean that Santa?

Spending weekends loitering in malls making promises he has
no intent on keeping – nor the wherewithal to do so
Listening to the gimmie–gimmie, want–want from the youngest of children
with pasted obligatory smile
complicit in a con-game that borderlines *******.

Thankfully the “hustle and bustle” as it was once known
is a scant eight weeks long.
During Boxing Week, the Santa suit’s dry cleaned with bells on.
Through February Santa can go to hell until Halloween,
a week or so before Remembrance Day’s sanctity.

By mid-November the corporate puppet dons the suit once again
Action packers of the annual holiday graffiti,
temporarily dragged from basements,
with hopes that the meaningless meaning might
be remembered this year.

Santa should be thankful for summer
letting kids just be kids,
monsters at bedtime, animals at the supper table
no longer bound by naughty/nice lists

We might shake the meaningless meaning one day
perhaps next year
and not bow to the corporate Santa ensuring
we don’t remember how that feels.

I forgot how to be a human.  The instructions are simple
:
Breathe, ****, reproduce. Eat


Suffocate in a pale room
Odd time signatures I peel a lemon,
Skinless cat sighs.
Wrapped in krylon
2 note phrases

"I want you, gimmie"
I want a light bulb tenor.
Take a **** in the bowl. Bowels on display, I go boweling. Such fine bowels. You bleed every time.         Rinse out your mouth dear.
0

Who hit the moon?
  With 2 carcasses, the rocks are sublime. Small step for man,  giant leap
for mankind.
Noble savages