you sit here weaving words into stories like the sea;
while i fumble with alphabet soup in the corner.

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

Its late and everyone is lost in imagination
I know I should be fast asleep
But this is when i can show my emotion
Because no can see me being me

I cry because of emptiness inside
I hate this ache in my heart
It makes my throat dry
It makes me feel like something is missing

I say to myself that i dont need no one in my life
But I know i am just talking crap
I just dont want to be fooled by love
But I know that I am just afraid

Truth be told I have never fallen in love
My desire to find that hurts me so much
Because i have false hopes for me
Hopes that will never come true

I fall for people that will never be intrested
I create stories in my head and end up liking the story more than the person
It helps take the pain away for a while
But then i snap back to reality and I am alone again

I wonder how it will be like, to be inlove
Just the thought of it makes me tremble
All the those deep feeling for this one person
The way they can make you glow up when he's with you

But what happens when the fustration and pain kick in
The way they'll make you so angry at times
Or when they wont tell you everything
What about all of those problems

I see my friends in love and do stupid desicion
I find them just so idiotic
I am just dont understand  how this one person can make everything better by saying i love you
Or how the can make you cry all night

So for my future first love
I hope for the best for you and me
And that you love me back
Because thats what i fear most in you

She is the raven queen from way north of Orleans
The kinda girl who can party
Her dark silken hair eyes wide when they glare
And lips formed of crushed cherries

With men she could see how very easily
Her form could tempt them a stray
With a twirl of her hips a kiss from them lips
They fell like dominoes

Every night she would go
To the hipest disco and stalk the bar all night
Her raven good looks she knew what she took
Was more than any woman could want

But like every tale that's told
This raven got bold
And one night she got her wings clipped
In the shape of a man who just didn't understand
The need for her to preen

No matter her dance or the voice she command
He was not for turning
Fustration set in and as the night wore thin
She found the last steps to much

And as the moonlight did gaze
Her head was a haze of mixed love and true feelings
So this wouldn't do for the raven so true
And darkness once again she fled

the feeling inside , i cannot describe not anger nor sadness , a certain kind of fustration. i am different in some strange way. feelings come and go yet this has stayed. All for a reason. never knowing why. for i am an embryo wating wanting coveting for the one day i will emerge into something beautiful. i wasnt always this way. the only way to save myself is they way ive avoided for all my life. please? hello? where are you? come here and save me. i cant resist you, its just not enough to say that i miss you. there is so much left to be said but i just might as well be better off dead. but ill stay alive and the reason why ill stare at the beautiful night sky it leave me breathless the same way you do , but ow could i covet somthing ive never had so badly. i am the laste spring blossom. while others bloom each in their beautiful ways shapes and forms i stay a bud. most wont pick it because its not a beautuiful flower but beauty is fleeting and one day while all the other flowers end there peak and whither away. i will thrive. thrive better than anyone elese ever way some day mabye one day baby. you will find out who i am.please? hello? where are you? some here and save me . there is so much more to be sead but i might as well be dead. i cant resist you , its not enough to say that i miss you. im not in denial this is my last trial to accept this bittersweet illusion from the moment we are born we slowly die. screaming at the thin door that seperates fact from fiction. its all just a dream. forever running in place it wont be fast enough. ive lost all controll but this path has taken a toll. ill figure this out all on my own. blurry eyes please look at the beautiful night sky. it wasnt always this way . someday mabye one day baby

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the world.

I see the faces from the bus station single me out. In the spotlight like Y life is a crime. I want to hide. I try to explain my problems to them. But they can't understand. What am I supposed to do then. I'll remain sleep walking through all mysery. Tripping on my shoe laces not tied. And breaking away from mis deeds. In this I confide.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the world.

Maybe you can help maybe you have heard my cry. But could to care less of this mess that you left out in the mud. When I was the potters clay. But till this day why did you make me. I'm asking what is so real. About how I feel. Oh so scared Is what's unseen.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the hurt.

I'm a stranger. A curious undecided answer. Your decision where shoild i be placed next. Am I riddle that you can't figure out. throw me to the ditches and discard my thoughts. From the fustration of it all. Will you find me lost. I'll finnally trust in the cost of your blood.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm waiting for the turn of the century to pass by me

You are alone,
and believe that is ok,
because you think it is ok,
to be a runaway.
Because you ran
because you couldn't actually risk loving me,
not even,
liking me?
Like i was a bomb.
Tick, tick, tick. Ticking.
Like i was the sun.
Bright, shining and beautiful.
Like i was everything you wanted,
but yet,
reminded you of everything,
you'd lost.
You lost, lost, poor, lonely child,
who i would have loved unconditionally,
taken you in my arms,
saved you from your nightmares,
and given you your wildest dreams.
And like a hurt child,
And you make up lies,
you make me cry in fustration,
you say things that hurt,
because you want to hate me
because you love me,
but can't.
Lost in these big city streets,
you run,
too many people,
too many happy people,
too many ****** up people,
you take to the woods,
to be alone.
Love is aloof, aloft, alone.
Just like you.
My dear,
runaway,
you.

It means tired.
It means tears.
It means visits to the doctor every week
and the hospital every month.
It means medicine.
It means side effects.
It means I'm weak.
It means "My bones hurt, I can't hang out today.
I'm sorry. I'll see you next week."
It means I can never call back.

It means a fight every day.
It means weight loss.
It means weight gain.
It means I hate myself.
It means surgery.
It means scars.
It means ugly.
It means I hate myself.
It means I can never win.

It means pain.
It means worry.
It means i'll see death when I'm fourteen and
come back to earth in an ambulance.
It means trauma.
It means terror.
It means I see my dad cry.
It means flashbacks.
It means nightmares.
It means I can never sleep again.

It means fustration.
It means desolation.
It means hopelessness.
It means depression.
It means I take a bottle of Tylenol and sleeping pills because
every day is worse than the one before.
It means I throw it all up the next day.
It means I can never win.

It means days in bed.
It means no more dreaming.
It means I can never win.
It means I can never win.
"I'm sorry, I'll see you next week."

Oh I did it on purpose,
Wait what your not mad?
Okay shouldn't I be scared or something?
God your love is strong...
Wait if I do it again I can see your fustration
And it's true you love everyone but hate the sin I'm doing.
What would we call that?

God: grace my son for only a time period,
Don't push what you can't
And don't stay in sin when you can't come out...
One day I will have to judge
And before I do I want you to see my love from my very mouth.
"I am love and who ever loves me will obey my commands".

Zeal: amen

The mean words
The heart crushing actions
So much drama so much pain
But LEMME tell you today

You don't need to pay attention to them
You can fly by
You don't need to much affection
You can now say goodbye

All the fustration
All the tears out your mind
All the hesitaition
That's always lurkin behind

WEll I'm here to tell to tell you
You don't need to pay attention to there jealous faces
You can just walk by
You don't want to much affection
So can wave goodbye

I wont miss the feeling of helplessness,
Wactching you run away from yourself,
And snap back like a too tight rubber band.
I wont miss the look of anger at me,
For not being able to make the world perfect,
Or for forcing you to think for a moment.
I wont miss the heavy cloud of fustration,
You can't just set up camp in unhappiness,
Thats not home man, keep walking.
I wont miss the sharp pins of sadness,
I cant help you if you think your fine,
I cant watch you tear yourself to peices.
I wont miss the comments designed to maim,
Or the attempts to make me suffer for my feelings,
But my friend ... I will miss you.

Let’s paint a vivid picture,
Up under the movie screen,
Making a love scene,
That’s my favorite part.
Let’s get connected, and
Smoke each other HEART,
Cause I love this part.
Let’s kiss and touch,
If I asked to cuddle would that be too much?
Not too hard,
Or too rough,
I don’t really need LOVE,
I just want LUST,
You ask why?
Because I threw away the key
So it’s hard to TRUST.
Keep going, I haven’t had enough,
This my favorite part.
Don’t stop.
Let’s trace over our beautiful art,
Gleaming in the NIGHT
FEENIN’ for your light
MOANIN’ cause it feels just right
Smiling cause it’s just nice,
This my favorite part.
****** still high,
My FUSTRATION is leaving
I’m MEDITATING, while the air still
STEAMIN’
I’m feeling the inflammation of our
FIRE.
I can’t help what my ****** frustrations
DESIRE
Your **** body I admire,
Bring your “A” game, and your
TONGUE,
yes, it’s REQUIRED
I been tensed up for a min,
I put the kitty on pause, so yes
It’s RETIRED,
Love higher than a TOWER,
Climb up then fall down into
A bed of FLOWERS.
I’m digging you,
And you digging me,
We’re both BLIND to what the
Naked eye cannot SEE,
And that’s love,
We’ve been HYPOTIZED
By laughs and hugs.
****** appeals,
Your time, yes, I STEAL,
Remember we made a DEAL,
But do we have to stick to this
Deal?
Do it have to be a MUST?
Am I under DISGUSIE
To a beautiful heat that LIES?
A tongue SILENCING my cries,
Speechless cause I’m so surprised,
You did all your speaking,
So now it’s time to
WINE and DINE.
Can we CHANGE or minds?
Is it a CRIME,
Can we RECITE this just one more
Time?
It may be too late,
To change back our words,
No longer you HEAR me,
No longer you HEARD.
Your plate has been FINISHED
Your mouth is no longer FULL,
Your plate is CLEAN,
Now my hands is on PULL,
Hanging to your shirt,
Where I can no longer feel like
DIRT,
Here come back,
You can have my SKIRT,
Don’t go you haven’t finished
Have you seen the eye that was
WINNING?
The smile that was GRINNING?
The time that I was STEALING?
The flower that was laid out on the bottom of the tank?
I should be your commander solider,
I should be TOP RANK!
So STOP!
Don’t leave,
I ******* hate doing this,
I hate the GREED,
The FEEN,
It’s KILLING me
So PLEASE,
Let’s talk again,
About the LOVE and LUST
I know this is your favorite part,
But just HUSH
Listen.
I don’t want to RUSH.
I just want to cuddle,
Am I ASKING for too much?
My famous WORDS, and special TOUCH.
If you THINK about it,
This could be our favorite part too.



                                             Marci H.

Being Tickled
Absurd moments of fustration
nervous times
insanity, madness
and stupid jokes.

To see your creation
get denied its life

oh the frustration
of not knowing will happen
of the uncertainty of tomorrow

Oh the terror
my body is in
but I remind myself

this is just another, no
so now
watch me as I do what I want

(sorry its a bit long)

i wanna Jump, maybe i Could fly, atleast at this height ive already hit the sky, im sick of the drivebys, the drug flies, the beaming eyes, I'm sick of all this hussling, im sick of all the fuss im in, im sick of been who i am, so im sorry ma, n sorry pa, maybe now ill be a star, ill be up high, whats the change, u never noticed me anyways,

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

Look ma and look pa, dont u Understand who u are, my inspiration, my determination, been denied make my mind devide, ive got my good, and ive got my bad, u looked down when i was mad, id scare you, when i wasn't even bad, cuz u knew i was that sad, "i dont forget and i don't forgive", thats sometin u learn too live with, now it's something u have too deal with,

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

Walk a mile in my shoes and maybe you could see, what its like too be like me, gettin calls asking for deals, gettin fools waistin there meals, im dealing but cant provide my own oh so real, i feel like a peice of ****, I'm getting sick of living this, i just wanna shake your hand, but you've got venom on your gland, i wanna be the bigger man, ill walk away when I can, but if im tested here's my plan, pull my gun and end this fan.

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

Look im not saying imma end this ****, i may be down, but when im down my lyric is up, my verses untouched, you wouldn't think of such, but im so much, ill fill your cup, saying all that but, i know my lyric can be misread, just cuz im spitting these bars so honestly, and i know i got haters everywhere, thats part of life and part of the rap game, the walk too fame, u laugh now, but i impove with each move.

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

Now look into my eyes and u may see my reality, i suffer, i cry, i hate my god dam life, but i awake and thank god for my blessing, i wake up with determination, i wake up with constent fustration, and i know it sounds weak, but im on my knees, fighting a fight i cant win, the blank paper, my very own trash bin, i download my ****, so i wake up hussling, and you all say too not get so personal, but ill end with a wallet full,

Im just living a dream to you it seems,
Im falling apart tearing at the seams,
Im breaking down im sorry world,
Today's the day i make you proud,

At the age of 16 im walking down the road of recovery, from *******, and drugs, been hooked on cannabis and fun, you have a family? I have none, you have hope, im looking for some, i found a shimmering light, something too aim for, the rap career, and i know the struggle, haters, feens, losein what you think you need, but take what i have, you will be Takein the clothes upon my back.

Blue covers pulled over my face.
Just so I can think more as a tiny cloud in my room starts to rain
Upon the liquor upon the shame
Upon the pen the only way to escape.
Why does everything have to be sad story oh that's right your alone and you can't figure out what's wrong with me..
You?
No me.
Wait me?
Nooo you..
Wait you are me
I know but I was talking in third person.
Sooo your talking to yourself?
Yes "we're " to our self
Wait who self I thought you was talking to me?
Sigh can I just finish the poem??!
Oh my bad yeah..geez the fustration hey have notice there's a cloud in here? Uhh that's weird.
Yeah I told you that!