You see I didn't know
What an asparagus plant
Looked like
Until today
And the fact that you
Would understand
My horror
When faced with
That ignorance
Is one of the most
Liberating things
In the world

And even if
All the meaning
We derived
From the other night
Was drug enduced
And maybe mistaken
I still can't wait
To show you
That asparagus plant
And watch your eyes
As they watch me

i crush up the pills
place them in 2 nice little white lines
darling im sorry
i promise this is the last time.
my face is burning
i feel so alive
i love you
but im feeding you lies.
for try as i might
and try as i will
my love for you
dosnt comapre to the love i receive from the pills
so ill leave the warmth of your arms
to the comfort of my drug enduced bliss
replace your lips
with a empty kiss
and ill forget everything we had
pretend we never were
i told you to begin with
i am far from anyones dream girl
for my grasp on reality is deluded
tainted by self enduced hate
please dont think its your fault
this is just my fate.
and ill leave you a letter
apolgising for all the lies
then give into my obbession
pill bottles at side
and an array of colors is all ill see
as i swallow them all
i create my destiny.

when you are hit with that insult you fantasize about 24/7 i will try and laugh, and maybe a giggle escapes. With all my efforts of trying to escape, trying to hide how much damage you have enduced, how much of my soul you have just stolen from me, i will disasterly fail. And the pain will seep through my eyes. and i will once again fail to surprise myself. For all your insults havent made me stronger, oh all your insults have just stripped my confidence, away. Fo all your insults have done is make yourself a bigger ******, all your insults just let everyone see how unworthy of a life you really are. But that statement would be a lie. For all your insults have done is damage me to a lce no ne will be able to repair but me. nd when you wonder, mother, why i am the way i am. Please do not look at me for answer's look in the mirror and, then, i beg of you glance at society. Because when society has reached the point of utter disgustance that suicide is something you simply insult someone with is funny, when society reaches the point of utter dissapointment that so mny people feel the need to die to escape, you should not be blaming anyone. Society itself should be looking at what we have made of ourselves. society itself should be looking at how the bad parenting reflects so much. because it only takes one insult, to send so many people over the edge.

Winter has coaxed
its radiator enduced
ether
and the time has come
for colds, snot
and sinuses.
Blackness
gathers us
to our tangerine
oasis - and
living room
televisions.

I left,
to walk through the
winter city.
I saw
empty car parks and
Christmas lights,
and thought London
was dying.

A fox grappled
with a tesco's
plastic bag.

I walked through
a winter forest.
I saw creepers
on gravestones
and
Victorian gore
settled into the earth.

I put my ear to the ground
to hear the worms
eating dead bodies
and all the while
the stars turned
overhead
like a millers wheel.

God I'm
crazy and
weak.

I wish I still
believed and
could pray -it
really did
help-

A godless
world is exactly
what you'd imagine
it to be -partially
because we
live in it-

I hate
that once
a month I'm
stuck being a
girl with girl needs
and girl whims

I hate that
it makes me
actually miss
you when you're
gone: acknowledge,
assess, process,
exactly  
how long it's
been

Maddening.

I imagine
disgusting globs
of whatever
stuff you claim
to have so much of
sloughing

off,
crawling away
half dead in the
cold coming to
the window to
tap, or perhaps
the door
to
knock like a
lonely soul and

you know
I've a psilocybin
enduced empathetic
streak embedded deep,
couldn't possibly
leave a thing to
freeze on its
own,
but
still yet
intruding
against my
will:

This is
the only
explanation:
I could not
thus feel
otherwise
by myself,
nevertheless
being mired
in such muck

I hate
being stuck
with the absence
of you for days
at a time
-especially with
these blobs
reminding of how
once
you were willing
to drive to
Tom's before
I had to cath him
at 2:30
in the morning

Just to smoke
and talk
a little
while

I doubt any of that
even matters now

God...
I must
be crazy
going crazy
acting crazy

I hate it.

I also hate
hating things.

RELAPSE


The time when it feels like life is throwing you fire

That moment when you decide to temporary mentally retire

In hopes to repair and recover

Before you got to get your thoughts together

A timer ticking, with less than four days.

Then you realise 2 days have slipped in a foggy haze

Another 12 hours disappear in a blink while I’m stuck in this maze

Mind jammed on repeat, running same old relays

Life on the brink, Useless skits stuck on replay.


Disaster strikes it’s second hit,

With the bowel empty, out of ****,

tired and wired

In some serious need.

Next door possesses my ****,

clock strikes 2am,

no hope for the action called- boomerang

thoughts doing laps- thinking-

Why did I leave it there for so long?

Drug-enduced thoughts shift the blame,

How could they do me so wrong?


By not returning Billson after borrowing,

Leads to plan B’s decease.

The creation of black death to ease the worrying.

Now in search for some other sweet release.

Should have prepared a stash of sleepers

But I’ve used them all up,

Option C – A pill with effects like ******,

Zanexe don’t stand a chance anymore,

Immune to those dowsers, always needing a top-up.

The familiar stench of the chemicals on my skin,

Reminds me of all the times I swore I hated this sin.

Yet here I am again, where on earth do I begin?

Perhaps when I had my first lapse,

6 days ago, 2 points and didn’t collapse.

Which fertilised the seed planted by an addict

1 month off a year clean…

I was truly recovering

Then hell froze over turning my skies unclear,

That tickle got me thoughtful with the unspoken words - ‘I gotta have more’.

For of cause tomorrow I know I will be sore,

With that familiar dismantling pain,

For I have walked this road before.



For it I search, an act previously well-rehearsed

Found and purchase ordered,

I reach into my purse,

And as easy as that, transaction recorded.




- LetterGoddess

I’ve been awake over a hour. The thoughts keep swimming through my mind surrounding me with with the anxiety enduced doubt all because I loved a man too much. I think it’s safe to assume that then consequences from this over the years have grow greater more and more each year. I wish on night when I slept in a empty bed I didn’t have nightmares about you never coming back. I wake up without you here and have tears streaming down my face in solidarity and absolute absence because I have come so far and fought so hard. That I just want to be kissed everyday. I dont know if that’ll happen.