"diazepam" poems
Handbag~ 1994
exam timetable
£5 from my Mum
shiny key for the front door
fresh-mint chewing gum
Handbag~ 1998
keys for work
keys for home
£20 and a bit of change
photo of my best mate
and a bloke that's twice my age
lipstick~ lacy knickers
condoms~ ID card
ticket for a bus to town
UV sparkly stars
Handbag~ 1999
keys for work
keys for home
spare key for his flat
condoms~ contraceptive pills
No.7 powder-ivory/matt
VISA/Delta debit card
paper
gel ink pens
number of a bloke
who says our love
will never end
Handbag~ 2000
keys for work
keys for home
key for the gas meter
Teletubbies picture book
list of baby-sitters
new mobile phone
herbal teething gel
lipstick~ Anadin
vanilla impulse body spray
children's Nurofen
photo of my baby boy
really tiny socks
under-eye concealer
secret stash of chocs
Handbag~ 2002
keys for work
keys for home
pull-back-and-go car
baby wipes
mobile phone
estate agents' cards
picture of my little boy
list of things to do
Boots own brand pregnancy test
both windows coloured blue
Handbag~ 2005
keys for home
card from work
tissue full of tears
photo of my boy in school
that shows his gappy teeth
photo of my baby girl
and one of both of them
a ring that used to be my Mum's
Pro-Plus~ Diazepam
Handbag~ 2009
keys for work
keys for home
one SLIM~FAST bar
one Cadbury's wrapper
Haribo~ Calpol~ tissues
assorted Disney plasters
treasured stones~ special shells
sand and bits of twig
money to buy ice creams
photos of my kids
Oct 14, 2011
Oct 14, 2011 at 4:52 PM UTC
Some chemical influences are necessary.
Experimentation is mandatory.
Skim the syllabus and you will see,
MDMA is chapter three.
Hemp is the strongest ****
At least that's what I learned in Botany.
Biology came as quite a shock,
When the plants pulled out their *****
English came as such a breeze,
The Diazepam brought poetry bees.
They pollinated the dopamine receptor,
Which greatly impressed my psychology professor.
When the zombies rose for dead weeks droll,
Adderall and Vyvanse kept us cool.
There's always a place in the Union Bathroom stall
To do a dome some Coke before study hall.
Of all the girls in my dorm floor
Roxy and Molly were just next door.
Art history wasn't the most entertaining,
Until Absinth was my painting water.
Finals were such a stress, so I'll admit
We laced our gin shots with Xanex.
College was an experience, I'll admit,
But Chemistry got me on the DEAn'S list.
Mar 6, 2013
Mar 6, 2013 at 2:20 AM UTC
I used to be unique.
Kool-Aid hair dye and all.
Boys wrote my name on bathrooms stalls.
I swore at teachers.
I drank ***** behind the bleachers.
I puked at football games on cheerleaders.
I had black eyes and cigarette burns and soccer thighs.
I used to wear my shirt undone.
I used to have fun.
Now I own a 6-room house,
a 4-door car,
a water-dispensing fridge,
bell jars.
Also, religion,
caffeine addiction,
magazine subscriptions,
diazepam prescriptions,
goldfish,
900 pairs of shoes,
PVA glue,
a self-inflicted curfew,
sexually transmitted virtue,
and many, many cats.
All this between walls painted in 6 muted shades of deja-vu
from whence I commence my pin-cushion voodoo.
I sleep in pajamas.
I set an alarm clock and my snooze allowance never exceeds 4 minutes.
I spend my mornings yawning
through thick oatmeal,
********** in the dark.
I work in a bank
in an office
on a phone,
making friends with dead ends.
I come home to wash, rinse, and repeat,
undress in the dark,
and brush away the question marks
of hair in the bathtub.
Sep 17, 2012
Sep 17, 2012 at 7:49 AM UTC
The phone rings:
It doesn't work anymore.
Diazepam, Red wine, 6:30am, hip replacement,
Plunger, television, boxes of photos, carslberg, peroni,
The flush is broken on the toilet.
I've sat for 15 minutes.
Examination, xbox, unemployment, skunk,
Washing machine, dishwasher, dryer.
It's raining, Old towel and bucket
under the hole in the roof
Cat food, cod liver oil, mould, 8:45pm,
3pm, appointments, 12pm.
Laptop, silence, phone calls,
Toilet, bucket, bleach,
Oven cleaner, kitchen roll, dirt, carpet,
Television, Hoover,
Jan 28, 2014
Jan 28, 2014 at 8:35 AM UTC
in tiny capsules
lavender lullaby as
sweet blue diazepam
Aug 19, 2014
Aug 19, 2014 at 1:51 PM UTC
May 2013
Memorial day weekend
It was warm with promises of sun
Beautiful blue skies
And no cloud in sight
Seattle prepared for crowds
People swarming the Center
For folk music, food
Laughter and smiles shining bright
My leg, a bright red
I woke up
Burning hot with red seeping up my leg
Pain swarmed my back
Tears gathering
In corners of my eyes
As I was admitted
To the emergency room
Greeted with morphine, leaving me in a haze
*** induced haze
Lingering around the fountain
Families occupied the edge
Children running in and out
Collecting droplets of water
Along with sunburns
While groups of friends
Gathering in drum circles
Slow rhythmic thumping could be heard for miles
My son’s heartbeat
Thumped in my ears
I watched the fear
As he focused on the antibiotic drips
Invading my body
The days in clipped moments
Passing in and out
With each wave of fever
And the doctors
Tattooed my leg with sharpie
Artwork was only one thing
Found in the vendor alley
People flooded the booths
Snatching up
Brightly colored creations
As they headed to find
Dance troupes, bollywood
Inspired activities
With stomping feet, swaying arms
They placed the central line
Into my right arm
My body had clogged each IV
the doctors warned me
If the redness started
To show patterns of serrating
Then they would have to take my leg
Diazepam had me slurring out
I am fine, I am fine
Memorial Day
A time of remembrance
Services to be held
Events to commemorate
All the fallen
From a concert at Museum of Flight
To baseball game with Seattle Mariners
To appreciate, appreciate
It took ten days
For me to be released
May 2013, Memorial Day weekend
I would always remember
As the beginning
Of my growing struggle
With gradual loss of mobility
I am fine, I am fine
Nov 12, 2020
Nov 12, 2020 at 12:03 AM UTC
Klonopin Clonazepam Sintonal Diazepam
Refill my Rivotril Don't spill my Risolid
Alprazolam Bretazenil Bromazepam Lexotanil
Dadumir Olcadil Nobrium Stilny
Halcion Hypnovel Tavor! Tavor! Tavor!
Gimme gamma-aminos but only if they're butyric
With Xanax as my hand ax; Anxiety, This is War!
Nov 20, 2012
Nov 20, 2012 at 8:50 AM UTC
Wait a second.
Steady hand my right hand man.
That must be the effects of the Diazepam.
One in the chamber, one in the chest, one in the body and one in the head.
One for each of his family members,
picture him dead, picture perfect and pick up the pieces after the death.
.....if there's anything left.
I'm right over here.
rat
a
tat
tat.
Onomatopoeia..
What's the matter dear?
Nothing to see here, but bullet ripped flesh and civilian fear.
No need for tears.
No need for tears.
Keep composed. You'll be home soon. In your own tomb or personal hell.
Waking to the sounds and screams of mortuary shells.
Reload, you know how it goes.
Decomposed in a body bag, forever alone.
Jul 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015 at 6:11 AM UTC
One minute fine,
The next minute not,
It may be freezing cold,
But my brain is boiling hot.
The tingling sensation,
And then the trembling starts,
I cannot feel my legs,
Yet how I feel my heart!
The environment is spinning,
The air is getting thin,
No matter how fast I breathe,
I cant get enough oxygen in.
Things enter my mind,
I try to force them out,
But the harder I try,
The more they come back and shout.
I feel im going to faint,
Im feeling so sick,
I cannot run away,
All my legs let me do is sit.
My legs get weak and heavy,
My brain doesnt know whats going on,
Everything becomes something to fear,
The floor, my clothes, hair... and so on.
My mouth is dry like paper,
My body is sweating yet cold,
Where did all of this come from?
Is this what its like to get old?
My body feels frozen,
But my brain is running around,
Playing tricks on me,
Where there is no danger to be found.
Breathing exercises dont work
Though they make sense normally,
In the moment of panic -
You lose all sense of reality.
The images enter your mind,
You try to force them out,
But the harder you try,
The more they refuse to get out.
Everything becomes a danger,
I will say one more time,
Every object becomes a weapon,
And slices through your mind.
The nausea causes more panic,
The panic responds with more nausea,
What a horrific cycle,
How to stop it I have no idea.
****** functions fail,
The digestive system especially,
But now your afraid of the toilet (!)
Though you need it in a hurry.
The trembling is so intense,
The fear so intense,
You struggle to make a call,
Your mind and body losing control.
Diazepam becomes your best friend,
You'd worship it if you could,
Its often there to save the day,
..Although at other times you just wish it would...
The adrenal glands are to blame,
Im not the Adrenalin rush kind,
My adrenal glands are evil,
How can they be so cruel and unkind?!
I dont like my adrenal glands,
Im an ***** donar - but if I die please be warned,
DO NOT TAKE THE ADRENAL GLANDS,
...then again, with the right brain, they could be your friends?
Its the "brain- adrenal gland" combination,
Which is of the ********* kind,
Perhaps if brain sent out the right signals,
My adrenal glands might understand.
There is a time and place for adrenalin,
I have sampled many myself,
But this is just not one of them...
Yet - subconcious brain fears itself...
That is it.....the brain "fears itself"...
Feb 12, 2019
Feb 12, 2019 at 8:16 PM UTC
The billionaires tend to their garden
at the expense of the forest,
whilst landlocked towns
invest in pine trees and surfboards
to sell a notion of escape
against the cell of a poorer tomorrow.
Religion lost its claim to G-d
once the churches locked their doors.
The homeless started a choir
on the park bench by the chapel
once they grew tired of food;
fame now the nutrition of the masses.
The baby boomers are a dying breed
set for containment and greed
and rapacious war;
the dreadful threat of a next door neighbour-
their extinction amongst
a millennial wantonness.
Heiresses brush their hair in vanity,
as does the poet to his white-noise
crowd of lunatics and alcoholics.
He crushes diazepam into his whiskey sour,
then lifts a shaking hand
to find the power he is preaching against.
Nov 21, 2014
Nov 21, 2014 at 3:30 PM UTC
A coldness creeps through my body,
enters and, seeps with its icy fingers
down, down into my core.
Clasps my heart and takes hold,
glacially traversing my mind, body and soul.
I feel, wait, no, nothing. I'm in a dream.
Induced by drugs that calm and hold you down.
I'm Alice chasing the rabbit, but the rabbit is bold,
and I am cold, behold your cold frigid Alice!
Frozen, addled brain, makes no sense of the dream.
I'll stay awhile in this winter wonderland,
this, emotionless, frosty, heartless land,
and dream of sun, and hope and gold.
Upon waking the dream will dissipate,
leaving a shivering, controlled me.
Jun 27, 2014
Jun 27, 2014 at 9:57 AM UTC
*Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam, if you've been acquainted with benzodiazepines,
Then you will know the hassle that I hearby mean.
Names so crazy it's like they fit your mind,
Yet without them they can be so unkind.
Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam,
Tiny little pills, oh how you can truly and seriously help me to heal!
Yet, you make us happy as we should be without you to feel,
Because I'd rather remember you as an old friend who was there for a while to keep me "still".
Clonazepam Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam...
I know it's hard to say goodbye,
So for now I'll just say "goodnight",
And maybe one day I'll see without you-
the true happiness of daylight.*
❥
Oct 27, 2015
Oct 27, 2015 at 3:25 AM UTC
A diazepam apology never escaped my lips.
Eyes spun,
lips sealed,
and not one word graced your ears.
Each pill stuck in my throat with the longing to say.
Too soon,
Too easy
forgotten, and the day turned in and I soon followed.
Each moment is a moaning teenager in my head.
Too much,
Too little
chances to take or people to meet or places to start again.
And today is no different.
But I do hope to see you soon.
Mar 21, 2017
Mar 21, 2017 at 4:16 PM UTC
It wasn't the best birthday,
Not that 39 is exciting anyway,
But I wasn't quite prepared
For what my brain threw my way today
What is even the point?
In turning 39?
Next year Clare and I are going to Ethiopia
- to sneakily go back in time ;)
38 was old enough
But still not quite that bad
39 is a lot more daunting
For there are no more "30's" to be had
But a few days ago I met a friend
Who just turned 70 last week
What was even more shocking
- she is still much fitter than me!
Her grandson is now 17
I once taught him to bake cakes
Back when I shared her house
Duncan was at primary school for goodness sake!
I don't know if Clare feels the same
About this weird age to become
Or whether as some say its just a number
My 70yr old friends are forever young
I have so much admiration for Clare
With her determination to succeed,
She does make me feel younger
Although turning 39 is still **** - it must be agreed :/
But I was determined to make the best
Of the last year beginning with "3"
Although I dramatically failed
Got dressed, panicked, then ate grapes until tea...
I did let down Teresa
I admire her so much too
We were supposed to eat cake
And how I miss our conversations about poo..
But here I still am
Dressed for both Africa and the North Pole
Required a walking pole to get to the pub
With snow turned to ice - it wouldn't be pretty to fall...
But I finished my day with a whisky
A wee dram to still being 30 something
A single malt Aberlour came to my rescue
To compliment the huge amount of Diazepam
I shall try again tomorrow
Looking forward to seeing Carryn again
So I officially cancelled my birthday
And tomorrow I will try again
But my goodness how Im so grateful
To some very special friends
Here in Aberdeen,
Mary and Glyn are those friends
My brain tortures me frequently
And today we had so many plans
They all went down the toilet
Quite literally (!) but gladly from the right end..
So generous are my adopted family
I can never be grateful enough
For putting up with my panic
Understanding my brain says its "had enough"
It might have been a ****** birthday
But I don't know where i'd have been
If it were not for Glyn and Mary
And their endless compassion and understanding.
To all my friends - sorry for being "weird", and I really do appreciate all your kindness with all my heart.. ❤️
Jan 29, 2019
Jan 29, 2019 at 7:03 PM UTC
She’s my fuzzy love,
my medicated mornings
that roll over, turn in, turn out,
and spin my stomach
til’ he falls out with my head.
She is not sorry.
No diazepam apology
ever graced my ears.
No beta-block bargaining,
No fluoxetine forgiveness.
She’s cold and hard
but soft when I need support-
I fall right through
her flimsy grasp.
She’ll tell me she misses me
as she comes up with my *****
She says she wants a break
when I swallow her.
One time I crushed her and sniffed her.
One time I drowned her in whisky.
One time I sprinkled her like seasoning.
She ****** me every time.
May 6, 2017
May 6, 2017 at 8:10 AM UTC
D10
empty
mute
pause
a slow grasp of the present but time moves fast
clear water drops a social aloneness
as the sinking cement holds an elusive search
Nov 23, 2018
Nov 23, 2018 at 7:37 PM UTC
Blue like the jazz in your finger tips
the kind of somber tune that lingers on your breath
Like smoke stuck in the over grown hairs falling out of your ears
and the 5 o'clock shadow thats grown from black to grey
over these past few
years.
There was velvet on that monarchs back
she was drinking irish whiskey and had a hollowed out voice
The past is gone
Except for on your tongue
Dancing in your mouth
from the top of your spine
to the root of your brain
The future is in your sheets
I'll leave you alone
I'll let you sleep
But you know I'll sit at the foot of your bed
Just to see you wake
With diamonds in my eyes
and blue jazz in my blood.
Oct 1, 2012
Oct 1, 2012 at 11:34 PM UTC
Water drips in from the ceiling,
Diazepam kicks in to stop the feelings,
And no one even knows your name,
A pretty picture with a broken frame,
Room B just looks so empty,
Room C is a friend and A is the enemy,
Now you got to believe it or not,
This is your bed and it’s made so get in and be forgot
A cough becomes as natural as breathing,
Believing in something better is only deceiving,
I hear the screams echo in the Old Mill,
The shakes shaking up when I’m trying to be still,
You lock the door and tidy all your things,
Rest on the crutch that’s holding up everything,
Now I think you’ve already gone and said too much,
You make a castle out of sand and it’s gone with the smallest touch
Now you have a good time,
Be on your best behaviour,
These memories of mine,
Such a bitter flavour,
Voices in my head,
Whisper implications,
A hunger that’s not being fed,
Gives into temptations,
I can’t see the light,
This room’s got no windows,
Waste away at night,
Hanging out with my shadow
Now I’m the kid everyone hates,
Gets the girls, the grades and always turns up late,
I don’t talk to my shadow anymore,
It talks to me when I’m passed out on the hallway floor,
The same problem a different fix,
Different magician using the same old tricks,
The same problem a different fix,
Different magician ******* up the same old tricks
Jun 14, 2015
Jun 14, 2015 at 8:26 PM UTC
I've gone and hurt my ****** back,
So now I'm walking like a ****
Too impatient to wait for help,
I lifted the stuff, all by myself,
So now it's painful once again,
Diazepam is my new best friend,
I lay in bed, I just can't get right,
Won't sleep a peep all ****** night,
When morning comes, and up I get,
I'll be at work, yes, don't you fret,
Perhaps a lesson now I've learnt,
Next time it's someone else's turn.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 6:21 PM UTC
God ******* ******
Why can't I understand,
I'm flying this plane and can't land it,
After 23 years I thought I'd know how to be a man
My brain is in a wash bucket filled with soap that's clouding up my mind,
Okay, I give.. help, I've lost it, it flew out the window, I'm in a bit of a bind..
Alprazolam
Clonazepram
Diazepam
Lorazepam
Oxazepam
Chlordiazepoxide
Oh my god now I'm afraid of Z's
What happend to you? What caused these?
Those scars on my face or the hole in my heart?
Both
Well **** if I knew I wouldn't be talking to you.
What are you even scared of?
Currently I'm terrified of being afraid,
Like its going to hit me under my feet, numb
It's dumb, its stupid, so I'll just pick apart my heart with pliers, convince myself that the thoughts in my brain are liars,
Drip now blood and dry before you hit the floor.
mind keeps spinning as my heart sinks in these worries build in a hurry and my heart empties from the pliers, I don't think I can handle the emptiness anymore, who do I ask for help? Where do I go?? Who can keep me from these z's so I can catch up with mine?
I'm so tired..I'm afraid ..
May 25, 2014
May 25, 2014 at 3:00 AM UTC
In the dead of the night
When there's no one around
Nothing clanking
Or making a sound
That's when the night pains
Begin to creep in
Tortured bones
Aching in skin
Diazepam and codeine
Bring no relief
My sleep is stolen
By the pain giver theif
These are the things
That others don't see
I just want my life back
I just want to be me
Oct 12, 2020
Oct 12, 2020 at 7:40 AM UTC
Easily led,
Pulling the threads,
Creating a nothing from that things that you’ve said,
Pretty dress,
I can’t confess,
My miserable mistresses making more mess,
Rattle empty heads,
The living look dead,
I take your vacant expression and I do thee wed,
One day you’ll see me in a magazine,
Still unclean if you know what I mean,
It’s all a lie so why question why?
The real truth would make you want to die,
Don’t know why I still want to try,
Don’t care at all and this is goodbye,
Hang up the phone,
Now I’m all alone,
****** black blue,
You’re just confused,
My head is cracked with our wires are fused,
I want to live a lie in a life without you,
But don’t know how, now what I should I do,
One day you’ll see me in the unseen,
Pumped with gasoline that they call the vaccine,
It’s all a lie so why question why?
Proof you want to die,
Truth is the lie,
Get out the car,
Home’s not too far,
So nearly there but somehow I’m in a bar,
Convulsing religiously with this holy disease,
Being besieged behind lock and keys,
One day you’ll see me in a diazepam dream,
Quitting the scene with quitiapine,
It’s all a lie so why question why?
The truth is real and I want to die,
Don’t know why I but I think I can try,
Don’t care at all and this is goodbye
Jan 19, 2016
Jan 19, 2016 at 5:46 PM UTC
I'd like to take my brain out
For a few quiet days of peace
Diazepam and wine bring only temporary release
I'd like my brain to have a rest
Somewhere it can be free
Away from all the troubles and woes
Away from babysitting me
I think I'd send it on a
fishing boat
far far out to sea
To give it a chance to see the stars
and giggle to itself with glee
Oct 26, 2017
Oct 26, 2017 at 3:51 AM UTC