we share this space
we share this union
but i cannot be further away from you.
your faults make me cringe
your dependancy on praise exhausts me.
the narcissist is in you
feeds the bitterness in me.

i had hoped that you would come to take me away
and now i am sailing this boat alone.
i hate it when people ask
how i am.
cause i cant tell them,
the infinity of depair
you bring upon me.

they all bask in your glorious smile,
and your casual demeanor.
but they never see
the insecurity
the neediness
the demands
the dissapointments
the sulking
the depression
the anger
the violence
the fear i feel around you.

so i fight against a ghost,
lash out at the wind.
and i grow ever more lonely.
cause you are too stuck in your own pain,
to see me slipping away.

He was evil
Worse than the devil
He cut my soul
And tore it to shreds
He laughed at my depair
And cried at my rejoicing
But my rejoicing is a thing of the past
He made sure of that
My sorrows cloud my mind
And all the while I hear his  cruel evil laugh
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul cry out to my heart
He wrenches and the sound is gone
My heart  batters at the wall
The wall I put there
To protect and safegaurd it
My heart cries out
Intertwined amongst the melodies of death
I hear my soul scream out in suffering
My heart attacks the wall again
And I feel it crumble
Strangly I do not care
That wall has caused me pain
But I kept it there with the illusion
That without it the pain would be tenfold
So as the wall crumbles
I reqch out and pull it down
My heart soars
Power flashes and radiates outwards
I rejoice and he cries
He screamrs and challenges my heart
My heart attacks and ............


Intertwined amongst the melodies of life I hear him and I smile
I won

Leaves wisked away by the continuum breeze,
The finite beats echo upon the heart at ease.

The dawn of red hug the sky as the radiance flees,
Putting the summer to surrender on it's knees.

As falls sneaks like a clock work continuum into new millemmium with peace,
Just as symphony has beginning and end of finite notes tease upon the climatic narrative completely seize.

Yearn upon the taste of desire unquenched by sorrow and depair of pandora's forbidden keys,
As the night sky sings the lullabies goodnight and farewell with it's closing chess piece.

This is the feel the tasteless deconstruction of an empty cup of a soul continuum lease,
And as all things end with unfinished books by finite time gaze on horizan of the infinite seas.

Orderly rows of padded chairs among
Funeral home décor, fluorescent lights
HGTV eternally on TV
A really big and wide hi-def TV

On which attractive thirty-somethings yip
As they enter rooms: “OMYGOD! OMYGOD!”
What would they say if they encountered God –
OMYATTRACTIVELYFURNISHEDROOM!  
OMYATTRACTIVELYFURNISHEDROOM!

­And how many people with eye problems
Drive themselves to the ophthalmologist?

And did I spell “ophthalmologist” right?

When you look at me
You would see me smiling
You would ignore the pain I carry
You would ignore my scars.

I'm happy, don't you know?
I was never sad
For you, I guess...
Becasue you don't care
You just strike away the depair
That dwells in me
And then you say I don't understand
Because I am always happy.
But one should know
THAT I AM NOT!

The doctor wasn't happy
When I was born
The neighbour wasn't happy
Because I was a girl.

I wasn't happy when I was four
I wasn't happy when I was eight
I remember I cried on my 8th birthday
Because no one was happy I was born that day.

You say I smile
But that's the satan in me smiling
She got what she wanted
She wanted me to get crazy
And now I am.

What more do you want from me?
Are you happy now?
Oh, you're sad?
Then why don't you stop
Saying things about me!
Why don't you ever ******* stop!
You're making me sick!
I'm tired of this
I am tired of slashing my wrist
I am ******* tired of all your jokes
And if this doesn't make YOU happy,
Then I'll have no choice
But to slash my neck.

Thank God for the darkness,
The thing that hides the horror of the daytime,
Conceals the truths of our night time,

Forbids passers by from seeing her cry

As she, swiftly, paces down the hill,
The moon smiling at her, guiding her home,
Like an old friend.
The only one she could rely on.
The gentle breeze strokes her cheek with a sigh,
It feels the tears that lie there.
No one can see her sadness.

Thank God for the darkness,
It lets us see the beauty in the black,
While hiding one's depair,

Until the morning comes,

And life would seem as normal,
Though within the shadows of her soul
The hole burns ever bigger,
For nothing and no one has stepped forward to save it.
She is alone, and she always is,
Unless it be in the darkness - when, to the eye,
It seems she is at one with everything else.

Thank God for the Darkness.

I’ve been wondering
when and where life began;
into the deep pits of depair,
or the consciousness of a ‘given life affair’
I live an epic tale of a broken mind
hungry, lonely,
a feeling of somebody owning me
I’m living but I ain’t breathing
for my consciousness is contradictive
I’m conscious of the faith I inherited
but not of the present of my heritage
I’m conscious of the peace The Lord died for
but I’m captured in a world of escapades
I’m conscious of the freedom I believe to have
but it’s obvious the darkness of anxiety is what I have
I’m conscious of the love and light
where the silent moon brings out a glorious night
where in purity I can smell sunlight
in paradise where I feel the highline.

I took my road and you took yours

Madness un-resolved

Tainted Words

Crashing

Heat Melding

Your fires raged

Screams spread among the night sky

I read the stars

I felt the heat

The land pulsated with your heartbeat

Quick pants

Your desperation trickled

Down my road

My tires splashed

For my road is healing

Stay away

Burn in the embers

Of your depair

DENAIL IN SUCH A MAGNITUDE FORMS A BODY
A BODY OF WATER
AN OCEAN
A PRESSURE
SO CALM, YET IT HAS THE POWER TO CRUSH YOU ALIVE
A PRESSURE
SO REAL THAT IT CONSUMES YOUR MIND
ALL CONTRADICTIONS HAVE A DEEPER MEANING
THINK ABOUT IT
A GIRL THAT IS SCREAING AT YOU
WITH OUT EVEN SAYING A WORD
AN ODORLESS FIELD
THAT HAS THE STRONGEST SCENT
A BLINDNESS
THAT WITNESSES THE MOST VIVID COLORS
WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU DENY
REVERTING YOUR EYES FROM SANITY
WANTING SO BADLY TO BE IN A PERFECT WORLD
THAT YOU TRAP YOUR OWN SELF WITH IN THE IRRATINOALITY OF YOUR IMAGINATION
THE MORE KNOWLEDGE YOU GAIN THE MORE IGNORANT YOU BECOME
FOR KNOWLEDGE IS POWERLESS
WITHOUT THE ACEPTANCE OF TURTH
YOU TRY TO EXPERIENCE THE WARMTH OF JOY WITH A COLD HEART
EXPECTING TO GIVE LOVE IN RETURN FOR MONEY OR WORK
AND EVENTUALLY
YOU FIND YOUR BODY MOVING ON ITS OWN
IT MAKES A LEAP
LEAD ON BY DEPAIR
EXPOSING YOU TO THE CRUSHING SEA OF DENIAL.

You stand so proud so tall,
a beacon for all to see.
You shine your light so brightly,
when the sun fails to light the way.
You stand guard, upon a craggy cliff top,
offer a guiding path to those lost.
A helping vantage point to prevent tragic depair.
upon stormy seas small boats are tossed and thrown,
upon frothy tides far below.
Prevent lives being ripped apart,
on rocks, the unknown fear by saliors most.
You are a beacon but fail to boast.
You know nothing else but to guide others.
Without ego, repression of self worth,
you no not of heartache, but are the heart.
You are not lonely, yet you are so alone.

Unselfish yet kept by the lighthouse keeper,
maintained by one that knows the importance of your light.
A pleasurable sight for many a sailor,
 when suns set upon distant watery horizons.
Offering a nurturing warmth,
a glow welcomed across blinding darkness to those that need it close.

You are the lighthouse in the storm,
the guiding hope across the sea.
You are the one to reunite sailors with family who are loved by most.
You are a beacon but fail to boast.

Standing by the shore
Staring your eyes out to
Catch a glimpse of change
Seeking it in the
Water distorted by ripples
Swallowing the waves
Of aversion bubbling up
To the surface of your
Expression, threatening to
Tear through the screams
And tears of depair
Stifling existence of being
Hidden in plane sight  
Whatever could be different
If I stay here and wait
For the water to change my reflection?
Change ... metamorphosis
Run from desolation
Scream for unity
With the very essence of life
The core of my nature
That sings loud in the wind
And fills me with contentment
The very purpose of my
Existence was berried so deep
In the cavern of unfulfilled dreams
Will I dive into the
Unfamiliar water
Allow myself to be carried
By the current unforeseen
Shall I stare while eyes can see
Until the final darkness comes
Or maybe... just maybe
If the wind blows courage into me
I can dive into myself
Miles under the distorted reflection
And be moved by the water
Ever so slightly
As I descend
Towards the center of all things

oh its spilling out of me
like luke-warm lava
supposed to be unbearable to touch
but actually is so familiar

i don’t want to welcome you back
the lump in my throat
the forcing back of tears
losing the ability to simply breathe

my stomach knots over and over
crossing paths as the hurt churns inside
waving at the butterflies
who have made my stomach their home

words racing round and round
pushing dread further and further down
until dread, despair and pain hide in every crevice

dread lurking in the shadows
depair tiptoes around my bones
pain hides and puts on its disguise

you know, the worst part is
i don’t know why
or actually i know that there are so many whys
and i can’t begin to use one as blame

so my aura takes the shape of my dear friend,
anxiety
welcome back i guess…
do you think if it cry, it will become less?

yes

I think I'm lost
Never to be found
Slipping further
Inside my mind
Run out of space
Where people can't see
The red descends
Down my arms
Further and further
Until it's visible and clear
The sadness I feel
Now written in my skin
Except it's not sadness
It's deep depair
From within
The crimson rivers
That won't be forgiven
That won't leave for a long time
That can't be unwritten
And a friend
Who doesn't notice
Or care for your pain
Just blamed you
For their attempt
Blamed you for their shame
Made me hate myself
More than I already did
They forget everything
I've done that was good
Just picked up my mistakes
From a pile of actions
Forgetting the friendship
And devotion I've given
The fact that I'm there
At the tip of a hat
But they aren't there
When I'm being sick
Not when I'm cutting
Or breaking down
Or skipping meals
Not when I'm binging
Then purging what's left
But I can't live without
Because my lifeline
Can't leave
My desperate need
For someone like this
I cater what I say
Censor my jokes
Just so they don't take offence
To my insensitive pokes
And they can't leave now
I can't loose anyone else
That will be the third
In there months
What do I do to deserve this?
What do I do to deserve this?