"defibrillated" poems
When you feel like you're screaming but your throat has stalled like a decrepit engine
Even as the fear rises akin to bile in your lungs and your senses are drowning in confusion
You keep screaming because your heart wants to still its own pulse
You know that feeling where you wake up heart racing breath huffing cold sweat on your brow
They say its because your heart rate dropped so low your brain defibrillated your heart to keep you alive
Its worse when you've just been dreaming
It takes your dreams whatever kin they be and Ends them
Ends you.
You wake up
You wake up
You were falling
You were about to die.
And then you look at the calendar and go 'I have to do things today.'
And you wish your heart was still falling.
Singing a song you never heard before but which you loved because it was so Alien to the idea of you
You think, don't give up, don't give up, and you make it a mantra.
Your heart beats to that rhythm like your brain sending you memos of its continued survival.
You are still screaming on the inside. You put some music on to drown yourself out. And you are at 'peace'.
Dec 17, 2015
Dec 17, 2015 at 2:33 PM UTC
The clock stopped
And was defibrillated by the breath
Of the materialized bundle of
Blue skin and slippery warmth and matted hair.
An eternity of pain that lasted hours
Turned to infinity of minutes of suctioning and flashing lights,
Then to days that felt like forever of hospital stays.
The timeless car ride home turned into
Equally long three hour lifetimes,
Each expiring with every hungry cry.
The rest of my life
Is punctuated by moments,
By such realizations as, that
This minuscule creature
Kicking staccato butterfly flutters
Now on the outside of my stomach
Traveled in a horseshoe pattern from the inside to get there;
That I've never felt like such a miracle
As when listening to tiny bellows
Pump air in and out, mechanically rhythmic,
Like a drummer at the band practice of life.
Mar 20, 2017
Mar 20, 2017 at 10:01 AM UTC
Knocked into each other
in the travel section
of Waterstone’s.
It had been years.
A cluster of seconds
where you scrambled for a name,
like fingers fumbling
for stray egg shell
out of a bowl.
Then the realisation.
We exchanged how are yous,
mentioned jobs, kids, life.
Doing well I see.
My teenage memories defibrillated,
began throbbing at an ludicrous pace
I thought I’d never feel again.
You mentioned Madrid,
I drooled out Wellington.
Oct 14, 2016
Oct 14, 2016 at 3:04 PM UTC
you left and i waited
my heart defibrillated
i took you back
my vision constricted
i forgot your lies
**** my demise
i just didnt want to be disintegrated
so i waited
for you to change and the past be negated
it felt like new
you felt like home
your words i mistranslated
you took my heart
and left it
obliterated
i took you back
loved you right
still all that love unrequited
but now i’m reincarnated
no longer the assassinated
you left me demotivated
but boy am I liberated
i loved you with all that i had
a love i never got back
you can have it
please keep it
i dont need it
i’ll just keep you blacklisted
Dec 4, 2017
Dec 4, 2017 at 10:22 AM UTC