In December, I remember, I walked away
My boots were barely on as I stormed out of your doorway.
I left without a reason,
Without saying goodbye,
I just left.
But he said goodbye to me the moment he said those words to me,
His true intentions instintly became the reality I was always afraid to see,
Because you see, this boy was the only I saw gold and time in.
I saw purity in his soul,
The intentions of god that others could not witness, but I saw them.
I was proud of him.

He said good bye to me, the moment he broke that hope,
He walked away before I step out of his house,
Before I ever put my boots and struggled with the zipper of my coat.

He said nothing, as did I
The silence that was always louder than our words had finally won
That Decemeber, I knew things could never be the same

I loved you so much my heart hurt,
I felt that intolerable pain in my chest, as I ran to my car.
Everything became a blur to me,
That moment all the memories I had held on to oh so tight,
Became a lie,
something that was hidden by an invisible cloth
It could not be seen by the fool in love

I sat in my car in a second of pure silence,
I couldnt' think,
I couldn't feel,
I just sat.
My heart started to beat faster than a drum,
I panicked,
And I couldn't have reversed any faster out of a drive way than I did that day

In the middle of the street diagonally i stayed there, while my foot laid on the break ready to put my car in drive,
I ubruptly stopped.
He ran out of his house screaming my name,
Telling me to stop,
We both knew he didn't mean the car, or me leaving.
Its almost kinda sad, two lost souls who are afraid to speak,
Who are afraid to love.
He banged his hands on my window, and in that second so much happened when your eyes interlocked.
I felt it,
He felt it,
We both knew.
You knew that day in decemeber when the sky was gray and cool that nothing was the same.
I rolled my window down and a breeze of nothing hit my skin
Shocked I looked at him, but missing his eyes.
Holding my breath and my tears
The air was muted
He could not see the pain my eyes held because I could not face him.
He finally said something, something so irrelevant it cringed my skin

The dreamer I am,
thought finally the movie scene I've been waiting to happen.
The moment the guy said, "my biggest mistake was not being with you."
And after that, I'd look straight in his eyes and let him know it was right, and I'd kiss him.
Everything would be okay because we knew we would have each other,
But that's not what happen.

He stood out side of my car,
Anxious, scared, confused
He asked me to borrow a movie.
Not just any movie,
A movie that we both loved and shared,
That whenever we watched it, we thought of each other
The movie that brought us together years ago

Reading the subtitle of his words
I knew he thought he messed up.

That day in Decemeber, he lost me
A girl that loved him
A girl that could never forgive, but never forget
The girl that loved that boy, but didn't love her.

Strip into segments the colours of life
At the birth of my sons, loving my wife,
Like the moment of truth when, whilst shivering clear,
I went eyeball to eyeball with that, which I fear.
Like the time when the engine went dead in the plane
And I ditched in the pines to confirm the insane.
When my Father collapsed and died in my arms
And childhood departed with God and his Psalms.
When I first kissed a girl’s soft velvety lips
And felt, with wild rapture, my hands on her hips.
Discovered ripe apricots fresh from the tree
Taste sweeter than nectar collected by bee.
Felt the presence of death compellingly near
Though the body was wracked, the thinking was fear.
Climbed impossible peaks that I dreamt I perceived
To weep the hot tears in a life’s goal achieved.
Laughed loud and long with the wind in my hair
Yet cried when an enemy lost to despair.
Pondered the mystery of what’s round the bend
Concluded beginnings are part of the end.
Compiling the rules to maintain my space
Lie in keeping the oddballs out of my face.
Clasping friends, so few, to my breast
Embracing the true and to hell with the rest.
Committing my time to my one darling wife
And thanking the Gods for this colourful life!*


Marshalg
Sitting in the long summer grasses
3 Decemeber 2012

fifteen and stupid
tuesday afternoon
after school, after four
early decemeber
snowing softly

in your room
with the lights
turned off
only christmas lights
lit up our faces

i was timid
and scared
you were confident
and brave

you grabbed me
and kissed me
terribly

i hated it
the kiss
i hated you
the person

but i never
pushed you away
or told you no

but i wish i had
pushed you off me
and wiped my mouth
clean of your saliva
told you how
this isn't what i asked for

but i didn't

and i paid for that

by dating you for almost
a whole year before
i decided i didn't
want this
this kiss
this person

i don't remember much about you
i grew to forget how your face looks
or what i was attractive to  
i don't remember much about anything about sixth grade
i try to not remember anything about sixth grade

but i remember
december being colder because of you
crying on christmas because of you
my mom driving me to my first therapy season because of you
the heartbreak i caused because of you
the friends i lost because of you  
the people i have hurt because of you
the hurt endured because of you
how everything hurts because of you

you don’t know the hurt
you never and will never know the hurt
you don’t even remember me
that is so unfair
you get to hurt and break and wreak me but
you get to forget me
forget how you touched me for the first time
forget how subtle you made it seem
forget how many times
forget how you took advantage of me

i wish i could forget that i loved you
i loved you
i once loved you
but how could that be  
                                                          how could you love the person
                                                          who took advantage of you?
                                                          how could you be so naive?
                                                          how could you be so stupid?

but i was twelve
how couldn’t i have been that stupid and nieve when i was twelve
i wasn’t even educated on what they were doing until i was a month shy of thirteen
therefore a twelve-year-old couldn’t have gone through that
therefore it is not real
therefore i lied

and so you continue
yet, i
i said stop
i said stop to you
i said i love you
but you should have of stopped.
you never stopped.
please stop.

then when you finally left
you did not take every piece of her
you left her hands
cold
freezing
winter
decemeber
hands
on my body
in my mind
and
i was left with the mess you made
the mess of everything you never and will never know about
and everything i am stuck remembering
the night my parents found me
you will never know why i was absent
you will never know the pain you've caused
the mess you have made
but i cleaned it up
by myself
because the people who could have stopped it
decided it was not real
it was not real
it
was
not
real
i wish you were not real

i am angry about what you did
and how you don’t even remember sixth grade
and how i am stuck with the aftermath
days, months, years, after
i don’t remember who i once fell in love with
or what i was attractive to
but i remember your touch
and the anger
the sadness,
the long-winded depression,
the loneliness,
the feeling of being useless
and unworthy
and the attempts,
and the pills,
and the scars,
and everything
but mostly, i wish i could remember you like the way you don’t remember the hurt, the break, and the wreckage you caused me.


                                                - to you, in hopes you one day understand the pain i felt and the ghost that will never leave because of the sadness you have caused me

november
his words came out like a lemming of
forceful regrets
and my phrases were hell bent on the
destruction of themselves

                     *it's decemeber now
                     you've only been gone for a month
                     and i can move furniture around as
                     much as i'd like, and you'd still
                     bounce off the cushions

if the Everything of cigarette smoke
and cheap cologne speak
as loudly as temptation
as brightly as your abdomen, stretched
like the bonds of linen across rooftops

                     that shade these lonely streets
                     then i will seek the promises you
                     left behind
                     and a late night motel
                     *to bore me in your absence

Today I am reminded
To appreciate her
Remember
To celebrate her
Like we do
The gifts
Each Decemeber.

Today we all are
Similar
Having her as dearest
And most familiar
Today belonging
As we all are belonging
To our loving
Mother(s)

Today I am reminded
Of who I am
Because of her
And no other
I know love
And learned to be a man

Today it's her we thank
It's Mother's Day
Blessed be creation's dance

And I am reminded
How once she held
My tiny little hands...


*(I am no one with you, nanay.
   I'm forever grateful.)

Yes, it was my Decemberday yesterday.
Man alive, I never felt so scared in my life.
I just turn 18, 12-12-95.
I wonder a lot, more than what I can't remember.
I'm now an adult. Wow. I still haven't realized that we're still at this, its been 17 months and 13 days since we've been going at this, and it is also his birthday today.
He turned 33. Is that just strange that I'm really in love with him. Birthdays are one of those scarey days were you don't know whats going to hit.
Yes. I'm scared, but I try to tough it out.
I was doing good till I fell off the wagon.
I just can't seem to stay sober, and I ain't going to rehab just because drugs got out of control, there isn't much to do or say around here, every day is the same.
I am confused.


*wrote this on Decemeber 13