I spent one of my days, somewhere at the end of October, facing all my fears
I let them through my mind and everyone got infected by bad vibes from me
That day I woke up to some distant rambling of my parents fighting
I found myself falling back into sleeping sweet embrace and awake at 9:30, finding dad sleeping on the stairs.
The day before, mum put oil on my hair and I complained about the smell that doesn't fade away after washing it  four times.

I was thinking of buying books and listening to music but can't because mum is beside me
And I don't like doing anything near her.
I asked her if I could change my glasses frame if I get straight A's for finals
She asked me to find a hammer to nail my bamboo box together
I wanted to show her a picture I took at school with another seven people of which I don't even know three of them
but end up telling myself not to because I don't want her to critize my funny body posture.

My sisters came home and suddenly all in a rush rummaging through some old things behind my closet.
They found a picture of me when I was six and another one when I was eleven taking a picture with my favourite teacher.
I told mum to get rid of my kindergarten ones but she kept them
Next thing I knew, I lost the one when I was eleven.

I saw the printer wire and my sister insisted that we should put it up so mum did and I fixed it. I fixed the printer and clear the carriage jams and all while putting up with all of the screamings going on between both my parents and both my sisters.
I blasted ******* bands in my ears and running loud thoughts in my head.

That day I cut my nails only on my left hand
Later, one my right hand finger is stained from printer ink.

Evening came and dusk came, night came. Midnight came.
I talked to the only person I'm sure I love and reachable. Autumn.
She's 17 and leaving school next year also very worried about her big exam on Nov 3.
She told how her emotional day went that day from how her classmate cried and her teacher cried too so that night
she got into the shower and cried and I said that it is okay
and we talked about biology and saliva and ulcers.
I listened to Good Riddance that night for how it constantly reminds me of people I love: Autumn and Luke and people I loved: Nightingale.

One of my friend also had the same vibe saying she is afraid of tomorrow, afraid of turning fifteen next year just like me.
We laughed about our first day going to school few years back then.
I brought up all those people I used to know and asking myself where did they go?
Or was I'm the one who disappeared?
Night came as I sit on a dying school chair listening to the ******* loud TV downstairs
I made coffee and listen to those voices.
Dad switched off the TV I was left with a strangling silent even with music on full volume.

Unconsciously, I grasped the coffee mug in front of me
clinging to its blistering warmth and started to cry for no reason just draining out the weight of life of today.
I shut my eyes with intent to barricade those tears from falling
but
it just pools and pour out and didn't cease and I just let them be until I hear someone going upstairs.
Oh how embarassing to see me in this state wiping off tears on the sleeves of my shirt where my heart should have been

Here I am in this endless mirage with a mug of coffee listening to the low hum of voices so familiar and imagery of many people that I'd like to take their pain away
just to let them breathe for a while.
I sipped the bitter coffee to the last drip
I tried not to think of those times when I haven't listen to this one song quite awhile
and
just before I press play it crossed my mind what if this song changed
It was kind of disappointing that it didn't but the feelings I had for this song did change
I took a few glance at my bookshelf and lost in this flashback when I used to measure my height on it
and
adding another 28 cm just to see how tall Luke was and it turns out he was taller than my bookshelf
so before I went to sleep on the same night, I told myself that I need to be at least 175 cm.

I lean against my chair trying hard to recall when did those things happened?
It can't be that long ago but
the image is so unreachable in my head.
Today, it's emotional day Autumn said it's an emotional day and
I said strikethrough 'an'
Today, life seemed as inevitable as death is
I'm here with no particular purpose of living set in my mind except surviving against a few little distraction
and
let me tell you this

*I like it.

I

A lonely chick
Fall in love with a butcher

Knowing her lover will ****** her
The lonely chick just fall harder
She thinks, it doesn't matter
Because her life is already bitter

Other chicks torment her
While the other's swagger

II

One day, a rooster
The only one who talks to her
Ask, Why she falls in love with the butcher

Maybe it sounds funny
Her face becomes smiley
But, in reality he's not ******
He's more honey

He cheers me up when i'm lonely
Her face turn red shyly
He never say that i'm ugly
He makes me feel worthy

Do you think it's a ***** trick
Answer the rooster
To fool a chick
And make her lunatic
Over something so sick

And who are you to critize?
The lonely chick cries

Can you blame her?
If she fall in love with grimm reaper
Because he has manner
To a chick who's got bluster

She screams
You treat her like airs
And jugde her when she shares
Never bother to see her tears

The lonely chick run
Leave the rooster that fall silent

III

The rooster feels pain
When he knows,
The love that he has shown
Never get known

I love you, the rooster whispers
That's why I stay
No matter what the others say
I won't leave midway

But, if my love leave me stray
What can i say?
Would anyone blame me if i betray?
I will go away
I'm tired with the love that gone astray

IV

The rooster fall into despair
While butcher doesn't care
When the lonely chick die

He just think it's rare
To see a tear
With the color of cystal clear

I'm gratified
To die in the arm of my beloved
That's what the lonely chick said
Before she gone to death bed

I Am Ready To Smile Again,
I Am Ready To Revisit All Of The Good Memories In That Place I've Been,
I Am Ready To See Friends I Would Take A Bullet For,
I Am Ready To Feel Good All The Way Down To My Core

But,

I'm Not Ready To Go Back,
I'm Not Ready To Be Attacked,
I'm Not Ready To The Faces,
That Try To Ambush Me In Many Different Places,
I'm Not Ready To Walk Down The Hallways Of Hell,
At The Sound Of A Two Toned Bell

But,

Now I Realized,
I Am Stronger Than Any Of The People They Idolize,
I Have Stuck Through Thick And Thin,
But Still They Critize,
Like They've Never Sinned?
Girls Who Cry On The Stairwell,
Call Me A Suicidal Freak,
And Boys Who Can't Spell,
Say My Words Are Weak

But,

Do I Believe Them?
No
Do I Greave Over The Words They Say?
No
Do I Even Really Care?
No
Do I Respect Them?
No
So Why Should They Even Try To Bring Me Down

Donne treats death as a human, and tells him to not be proud because he is not
scared as many other people.  A theme is created while the author continues his
poem until the end. He compares death as being sleeping, not a big deal , nothing
to be worried about. Donne makes it a character through personification.
“One short sleep past, we wake eternally”.

Faith plays a huge role here, because we know that for conviction  we can go to
heaven or hell after our short sleep. It makes the paradoxical statement that
mortality is itself mortal. Can be something moral to the proper author about
fighting death too. We can only accept death in our life’s as a natural process,
where not even God could scape to later live eternally.

Death bring a lot of pleasures since those good souls whom death take from earth
suffering experience and bring them up to rest on their bones. Donnes critize death
for believing himself too much. Death is not but only slave of humans of their
bodies;  but a slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men (line 9). Death is
not connected specifically  with a hierarchy. A desperate man can decide to go
through dead way to end his suffer on earth (suicide). Dead at the end has no
power at all because he didn’t decide for the person, the person decided to die,
how and when too.

Death will die at the end. In religion when we sleep eternally , we wake up in
heaven, I we were good during our life on earth. Death is itself destined to die.
Dead one day will cease to exist. No meaning of being still trying to force
something we know that at the end we knew since the beginning was impossible.
At some point we all know we will die, but we don’t know how it will be, so we
can’t just be scared of something we don’t know yet!

People understand that I'm "insecure"
People understand that I don't take complements well
People understand that if you ask me what my strengths are I will struggle to give you a response

But what people don't understand is the utter hatred and loathing I have for myself as a person

If it wouldn't dissapoint someone I would rather be dead in a heart beat
I hate the life that Ive had and the life I forsee for myself and I know that all of it is my fault
Everything is my fault.
I am a bad person, and some how in my making the lines between riteous and evil where blurred infinitely

There is nothing good about me and nothing of value and I itterly disgust myself
So when people yell at me or critize me I often come off as arrogant by my lack of defensiveness and or solution because I am already so vividly and fully aware of the piece of **** **** that I am

I think if people really got that I would make a lot more sense to them and I could get away with a lot more

Looking at the mirror,
Telling myself that I'm okay.
It's better this way.
Than to be with people,
Who can't understand me.
Loneliness is not a sin.
Being alone is much better,
Than with people who only critize me.
They may not accept me,
Because of what I am.
No one ever listen nor hear me out.
For I am a lone and independent person.
I hate myself and I don't want to be like them.
I love being alone.
But I hate feeling alone.
No one can understand me.
I'm all alone in this darkness.
No one can save me.
All I want is to be loved,
But no one can give it.
There's only one resort left,
And that is to put myself into deep sleep.
For that can only make me at peace.
Away from twisted path and troubled road.
And no one will ever wonder where am I.
For I not gave attachment to anyone.
For I separated myself from the beginning.
To those people who can't understand me.

When people begin to critize you
You have to know that you are in the first steps of success
But to successed there are a lot of people in your life you have to delete.

TO BE SO STRONG THAT NOTHING CAN DISTRUB YOUR PEACE OF MIND, TO TALK HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY TO EVERY PERSON YOU MEET. TO MAKE ALL YOUR FRIENDS FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING IN THEM. TO LOOK AT THE SUNNY SIDE OF EVERYTHING AND MAKE YOUR OPTIMISM COME TRUE. TO THINK ONLY OF THE BEST, TO WORK ONLY FOR THE BEST AND EXPECT ONLY THE BEST.
TO BE JUST AS ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS AS YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR OWN.  TO FORGET THE MISTAKES OF THE PAST AND PRESS ON THE GREATER ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE FUTURE. TO WEAR A CHEERFUL CONSISTENCE AT ALL TIMES AND GIVE EVERY LIVING CREATURE YOU MEET A SMILE. TO GIVE SO MUCH TIME TO THE IMPROVEMENT OF YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE NO TIME TO CRITIZE OTHERS. TO BE TOO LARGE FOR WORRY, TOO NOBLE FOR ANGER, TO STRONG FOR FEAR, AND TOO HAPPY TO PERMIT THE PRESENCE OF TROUBLE.

I don't know what to say at this point, what to do, I'm so conflicted
Distant at this point my eyes and soul aren't very different
You don't get to critize me if you can't even let me in
Yet you talk about your future as if living's a sin
You're probably more organized than me so, explain as best you can
If you've got time to spare then I'll let you understand
I mean for someone I consider a friend who gives a ****
I'm willing to talk if you stop heeding each command

I am smart but still learning
I wonder why this Worlds still turning
I hear people critize their friends
I see some still make it
Through thick and thin
I want to keep friendship flames burning
I am smart but still learning
I pretend to be happy when things bother me
I hear people spread rumors and wonder if that's what they see
I get into God's heart whenever I pray
I worry how long my parents
Are on Earth to stay
I cry for my Grandpa.  I'm still yearning
I am smart but still learning
I trust in God and know He's always there
I say if you know me, then you know how much I care
I dream of having a family someday
I hope soon God will be returning
I think that I will do just fine
I am smart but still learning

How could you critize that
I deserve what I deserve,
while I try so hard to break the endless cycle of poverty?
How could you judge that
I do not have the right to embrace new world ,
while you stay aloft from the humble life?
How could you claim that
all men are noble creatures
while I scramble for food on the ground?
How could you say that
life is easy
while I struggle just to survive?
How could you determine that
you are superior
while you never know how cruel life can be?
How could you?
How could you?
How could you?

.If I live to be one hundred
(But God forbid I do)
May I never forget to keep my friends many
And my enemies very few.

May I always remember
To only look above
And the only time I look down on another soul
Is to help them stand with love.

For every soul no matter how small
Is to be shown the greatest amount of care
From the strays that crawl upon the ground
To my winged friends in the air

So, While the world holds their own decision
And while they have their right to critize
I will always be one to mention
That I am a friend to the flies.

What is our measuring stick when we critize and pass judgment?

The laws are based on:

Good vs. evil
Right vs wrong
Black vs white  ( colours, not talking about skin colour)
Successful vs unsuccessful
"Normal" vs different
Rich vs poor

The idea of "perfectionism" that is rampant in our culture. Everyone must act, be and do what their told or else their cast out as an outcast, reject or unsuccessful. Doesn't give people room to be authentic and real. There's no room for patience, acceptance, compassion or even a desire to help, when someone does make a mistakes.

[Let's look at reality. When we go through life on lifes terms. Nothing is as straight forward as our laws and judgments. Just simply look at the birds outside. Do you think a mother bird kicks a new hatchling out of the nest, because it doesn't know how to fly? Or, does she have patience and understanding to teach her hatchling how to fly?]

I've yet to meet anyone who is perfect and doesn't make any mistakes. I know a lot of people have their masks on and like everyone to think they're perfect and flawless.

In my life I've fallen down more times than I can count. My failures and shortcomings have shown me that I need to be more patient and understanding with myself and others. That's how I've grown to be the strong person I AM. Thank God, I've never broken any legal laws. Who knows if I followed the wrong people or made the wrong decision, at the wrong moment, out of survival. Maybe I would have broken the law. So that's why I choose to stay humble. Because with my background, a very high percentage of people end up in jails, institutions or even die, just because they made one bad choice, at the wrong time.

I understand that we are all afraid and grieving for many different reasons. We are all living in a very confusing time. There's chaos, wars and many other heart wrenching things happening all over the world. That's why it's so important to treat eachother with kindness, compassion and empathy. This is not the time to criticize and judge each other.

Thank and I love you all my friends and family.❤️🕊️❤️

❤️🕊️❤️ Namaste ❤️🕊️❤️