“Don’t consider my words the sick
ecstasy of a sick mind, but you are
for me perfection!”
- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot

I remember
I can taste blood
on the roof of my mouth

I remember her face the first time
I asked her to coffee
when it rippled in a minor
hemorrhage of surprise
like the request was unexpected
but maybe
I hoped
hoped for

holding fiery cider in her hand
she was word and color transfused
when she spoke
she was celluloid and strawberry blond
and her smile looked like water
racing over rubies and the years
that I had waited
to meet someone like her

her hair was tied back
in a hurricane of dim gold
her voice spun out veins of thought
fluid and manic as magma
but brilliant like serrated ice
I remember

the cardial whiplash
when she said she would like to do this again
the sanguine dreams that came
after giddy toss and turning
turned to sleep
the saccharine thought
that I might be with her

suddenly washing away
leaving only the clean sting
from the bluelit photograph
of her having coffee somewhere else

my sheets grew thicker
as I stared
I did not blink
I just drank in cold acceptance
of the stranger staring back beside her

as the palpitating hope stopped
and the sunk aorta darkened
there were no feelings
save the ones that
I remember

I can still taste blood
on the roof of my mouth

And so I put my heart to rest...
Nay, not softly upon his chest...
Nay, not lightly with smile or sigh..
Nay, in darkness, I here lie...
Eyes swollen, salted, red with tears...
Silent screams and muffled fears..
Sweet sisters,
Dying, darkness drenched...
Wishing, praying, but where is rest?
Lost upon new lover's thighs...
That is where my dear love lies..
That is where my heart does wander...
Lost within this treacherous ponder,
What did I do? Was it me?
Did he love me? Can it be?
Thought won't leave me, free me, Nay!
And so I sit waiting for day...
For bluelit sky and golden Sun...
For exhaustion to hit and
Sandman to come!

©MV

Hard enough to let you go
To quiet your whisper in my head
To drown out the echo of what was
but wasn't said

Hard enough to sleep each night
To dream about your kiss
Of angels dressed in red
Of spines and twisted sheets

Hard enough to wake alone
To slow my every breath
Racing heart and skipped heartbeats
Yearning throbs
And wet

Tears upon my cheeks
As I ache for ever rest

Hard enough to smile through pain
And give the world my best

And yet not as hard as what's to come
To think of you
Less and less
To slowly forget the sound of your voice
The taste of your tongue
And less
The way you kissed and stopped this life
For a moment
And less
Under covers laying against your chest
That smile that I swore was just for me
And less
Wind and snow and bluelit dawns
Puppets
And less
The love of you
The love of me
The us that never was
except within those moments
Of stars and fog and sun
Of laughs and chips
And cake batter lips
Less and less
Losing memories

Hard enough to remember
Hard more to let memory die peacefully.....

MV