"benzo" poems
- - - there are the days when
i savor my isolation,
i savor my freedom.
in this state is when
Urania came forth
to lift my chin,
to lift my gaze
from finite walking-path
unto Eternity of existence.
She placated me, brought me
to surrender of my Self.
and i lay staring at the ceiling,
longing for a little rest knowing
i did this to myself, and
i don’t complain to you.
- - - there came a conclusion of
self-destruction as
the only thing to depend on.
and i destroy myself
through entertainment
while
fighting tooth and nail to survive.
- - - Sunday 5.30ante.
began Friday 9.30post,
Saturday 9.30post is twenty-four.
i am four short of thirty-six.
and my turbulent stomach awaits
the imbibement of a hard benzo –
(shorten’d word to be hip.
[also the reason i used an infinitive])
by this point i am deranged
and trace mildly. not just
a fancied flight alongside a reality
my mind deceives me of. not
just an insaned delirium
i perpetrate. maintain. sustain.
disdain.
space to insure emphasis,
- - - have i been outward too long.
i sweat naked in the snow thanking,
no Deity,
but instead handful of
multi-color’d, shaped, strength downers.
and i smell’d on death
perfume of flowers as
its figure look’d me over –
naked freezing wretch –
and extend’d claw with
rotting flesh no where
in pace with this vessel’s.
i began to blue, and the
shadow of my end
falter’d in my mind.
lungs, in impulse,
heaved air within themselves.
stretching frozen sternum.
- - - let’s take some math,
how about:
zn+1 = zn2 + c
i am patient,
please explain in detail.
Dec 23, 2012
Dec 23, 2012 at 5:44 AM UTC
if you really want to see
what you've done to me
just look inside of this
this notebook you see
I'm petrified of your kiss
yet its the one thing I miss
when i'm laying on my couch
all benzo'd out
its the thing I desperately crave
when i'm alone in an ice cave
then I remember our bout
the one before you kicked me out
the one where I said ouch
you had me on your bed
your hands suffocating my head
all I thought was I love you tons
but then I saw your guns
I believed me a *****
a pathetic daddy issue girl
because of what you said
it burned me to the core
this is it you see
how I don'twant to be
how you thought me to be
that is what you've done to me
May 22, 2015
May 22, 2015 at 3:28 PM UTC
Say goodnight,
with tmazi-pan.
Cos I'm dosed up,
on val- I -am.
Need one thing,
to make me dream.
A real good,
benzo diaza-pene.
Can't find this.
Can't find that.
Don't know where,
my head is at?
Lost my cash.
Lost my keys.
Can someone ******
tell me please
Where I live.
And who I am.
Cos I'm messed up,
on val-I-am
(c) mandyrigby and P Skez 21/01/2014
May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014 at 10:35 AM UTC
Swapping astrology puzzle pieces
Stitching, patch working like cartoons writing typwriters
How many holes can I fit into my ear, can fix self brand new
I can sew
when is drunk wants the toilet to be a female therapist
done with psychologists
feel benzo anymore
taste narco anymore
Psychotropic **** arounds, ******* around with their sandy chalk trysyclo
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 2:46 AM UTC
"what's that? you can't get out of your bed?
too weak to be alive, too lazy to be dead?
well! take your zoloft effectively
just inhibit reuptake selectively
and soon you'll have the energy
to end your life impulsively
or be rid of feelings entirely
a chipper, cheery half-zombie"
"your panicking fits interfere with your day?
i'll lay out a feast, a benzo-buffet
ativan, klonopin, xanax oh my!
not just for those who are too scared to fly!
pop two and kiss all of your worries goodbye
and your memory, too, if you come to rely
on hours spent watching your life pass by
just try and object through that stubborn tongue-tie"
"your circadian rhythm is not quite right
you're asleep with the sun and awake in the night
so take one of these twice before closing your eyes
and wait for the dreams that will doubtless arise
too vivid and real to know truth from lies
and the nightmares will be an unpleasant surprise
but stopping abruptly is duly unwise
so just find your stars in trazodone skies"
Dec 24, 2013
Dec 24, 2013 at 2:44 PM UTC
they say stop
don't do it too much
ease up
slow down
are you content, let alone happy, with anything?
they didn't seem to think so
the dry benzo sting stuck in my mouth for an hour or so
a rough jostle into a rushed sobriety
we'll have to reinsert the catheter
so don't squirm too much
we don't have any anesthetic left
good luck
Aug 15, 2013
Aug 15, 2013 at 8:56 PM UTC
Benzo, blur my mornings and bury my feelings.
Beat down my misery and banish my ecstasy.
Steal my sweetness and turn my stillness sour.
Spit out a new me, and the old me, devour.
You stick in my throat like a longing to say
something I had too soon, too easily forgotten.
Trapped and helpless at the tip of my tongue
is each little thought and each one turns rotten.
Now all my worries wash grey and bore me asleep,
as time stops his march and slows to a creep
that claws through my head, and the worries unsaid
are left to fester in a foul and filthy old heap.
Though they may reek like flesh on a dying fire,
I could take them or leave them just where they are.
I have no heat, no bold and burning desire
to do anything but nothing, and, so, to nothing I retire.
Leave me be beeping alarm that screams like a maniac
so desperate to jump to his next brewing thought.
Leave me be roaring traffic, so equally manic,
leave me here in my head to lose this loose plot.
Oct 30, 2016
Oct 30, 2016 at 6:13 PM UTC
You know them nights, when so much is on your mind and you don't know where to begin.
You start to type, then back space again and again.
The words don't flow, the thought is gone.
The next sentence is wrote, but it just feels wrong.
You can stare at the screen and look for hours.
Type a hundred words, yet their not ripe, much more sour.
I'm having that night, with this aggravation and pain.
Even though the last week, was smiles and gain.
The last couple days and nights has ripped through my mind and body.
My body feels under a earthquake and my mind is a tsunami.
Quitting the benzo's and antidepressants that started 3 1/2 years ago
Going cold turkey, I wasn't going to wing it and just go slow.
At a point in your life, you will sometimes make rash decisions.
It can lead you into a tranquility, or it can cut you...incision after incision.
The beginning of the week, I found peace and that tranquility.
As I longed for better and wanted rid of the iniquity.
I began to read the bible and put faith in it's print.
and now I feel under attack, a demon the Devil has sent.
But that's not the case, I chose this myself.
I can beat this, write about it, then put it on a shelf.
My mind is too muddled to go on much more,
My body is shaking, and my fingers are sore.
This shall pass, as God will get me through.
Then I will be back, to bore some of you.
I long for a natural sleep not medically induced.
For it's been 13 years, that's when the pills happened. I began to use.
Just for sleep not to get high.
Just for dreams: standing on a mountain side.
So goodnight, and may you dream the most wonderful dream.
May you feel the embrace of the moonlight beam.
Before you drift off and dance with your love beside the sea.
Will you say a prayer? So something beautiful comes to me.
GOODNIGHT AND MAY YOUR DREAMS BE PERFECT.
Sep 18, 2013
Sep 18, 2013 at 1:33 AM UTC
Dad,
How come you gave me all your old Bob Marley and the Wailers records, you listened to when you were sixteen and fixing cars, humming "emancipate yourselves from mental slavery?" You grew pillars of brussel sprouts, you got a rain barrel, you used grease to run a 1971 Mercendes Benz, Benzo-Lorenzo, you kept the wood-burning house so cold Mom threatened to take us to the Holiday Inn and make you pay for it. No matter how much I wanted to go to a hotel (play pretend in my head, little girl-glamor pretend) I would plead with Mom. We are fine, we are fine. I'll put a sweater on. See, I was a little sustainable champion. Stoke the fire, it smells so good. I appreciate warm so much. Inside I feel proud, like, my dad prepared me to live in a punk house. God, I wish I could be you watching me when I was a little girl. At Walbridge Park, those little pastel coiled spring animals. Mulch or little pieces of rubber? I like those little squishy pieces of rubber. I want a boat, a fishing boat. I taught little kids how to fish this summer. I kept a straight face, but I was beaming on the inside. Careful, considerate, thank you notes, visiting old ladies, kindness, loss of God, reading the Bible, reading everything, Swedish, cooking chili and pozole. Where did you learn to cook pozole? I want to know how but I am afraid to ask. I don't want a speech, I just want clear cut directions, with love. Just clear cut directions, with love.
Nov 21, 2015
Nov 21, 2015 at 11:02 AM UTC
Ya couldn't call me restless
but nah, ya couldn't call me lucid either
Floating on a benzo-pretty philharmonic cloud.
Sharp bitey thinglings softened
they swim backward in confusion
and this Kwan Yin, floating freely
leaves them gasping on the sand.
She regards dark circles, smiling
She regards her injuries, smiling
She regards her troubles, smiling
All around, a pinkish haze
Nay, the chemicals won't will trip her
catch her painted skirt
and tear silk
to be jolted from her reverie
is never to be told.
This she knows, but now she floats
for she must have tangible proof...
that Reality is not real
and the text is set in BOLD.
00.11.6539
Jun 10, 2013
Jun 10, 2013 at 6:25 AM UTC
Dying dreams exchanged for
Fairy dust and a doting Daddy,
Dollars, drive-bys, euphoric highs:
Glassy eyes and a hazy mind
Just hellos - no goodbyes
No lies of stardom and
Starving on the street for a
Script or a role that never *******
Followed through, none of that,
No work, only play.
Days wasted are over
And sitting pretty is easy
When there’s coke and
Crime and corruption
But you’re still the rose
Growing in the play-pen,
It’s lonely when they go
The house is all to know,
Porcelain doll with her
Nose so white: do you ever
dream of flight?
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 3:23 PM UTC
Sometimes everything is broken
Sometimes everything is fine
Once in a while my pain is your fault
Mostly it is mine
Did Jesus ever get depressed
Do you think maybe he got down?
The only man who could walk on the water
Maybe instead wanted to drown?
I can relate to mixed emotions
I know what it's like to swing between extremes
Sometimes I feel like I could move mountains; oceans
Sometimes I just want to cease to be
The wild ride through downs and ups
There is medication that takes all of that away
Caring to much and not giving a ****
Knowing tomorrow wont ever feel just like today
If we are made in the image of God
Coming into this world chosen and anointed
Why is there times I feel like a fraud?
Why so often do we leave disappointed?
Does God take his Lithium
His SSRI's and his benzo's too?
If we are made in his perfect image
Then why can perfect feel so blue?
why is it that we all have something wrong?
Some deficiency or disorder
And why should we take our medication
When God is so bipolar?
Sep 16, 2013
Sep 16, 2013 at 4:44 PM UTC
there i was
worried
about coming home
to an empty space
filled with two cats
and memories i can’t erase.
i made it home
i was benzo’d out.
i did the dishes
catching myself
from the ***** soap water
repeating the things
distract and relax
that's what the crazies said
here i am, in my head
saying it too
am i crazy
or am i just living dead
so i vacuum
and say it again
*i can cope,
panic doesn’t ****
does this make me crazy
that i say these things
to keep me calm
to distract and relax
my mind knowing that
i’m all alone
May 24, 2015
May 24, 2015 at 7:08 PM UTC
i forcefully chew the xanax into pieces,
letting the bitter taste coat my mouth
as it reminds me of what will soon be in my system.
i let it calm me down as i contemplate more,
deciding on acid instead. god i’m ******* up my body.
five trips in two and a half months and i feel
like this is never going to end.
i’m going to keep buying xanax and i’m going to keep taking it
and it might even ruin my life but i don’t give a ****
take my fifty and hand me a dozen bars and i’ll tell you
i’m in love. the other night i took some and drank
and my mom was worried but she figured it was
just my medication. i owe you neurotin,
i contemplate my new bruises just as colors
start to dance. i want my love back but
in the meantime, this artificial intrigue
will just have to do. hopefully i live
long enough to see my darling again.
Jun 17, 2017
Jun 17, 2017 at 3:52 PM UTC
If you're wondering why there's so many typos? I'm in the hospital,
Benzo'd out and on phenobarbital.
But I guess it's better than hammered drunk at home trying to give the cat a bath.
He doesn't like that band The Allman Brothers which I Blair at the side of the tub and he tends to scratch me
even with the Mr. bubble bath. Now I'll try to watch the Redskin buccaneer game, they'll always be the Redskins to me. But that could just be the benzos talking
Jan 9, 2021
Jan 9, 2021 at 7:32 PM UTC
thoughtless and lamed with
want for comforting sleep.
though, without willing
dedication to lie down along-
side sensory deprivation. yet
willing enough to accept the
seven-yard stare benzo addicts
view the world by. how she
glazed the world by, and then
said that developing parasite of
child had no father. claiming it
immaculate while those milky
hazel eyes refused to meet level.
she was always knelt in prayer
of god. that being personification.
that being, a night ****** up with
no chance at memory concerning
the divine touch of ****** deity.
refutal cut short by egress thru
balcony door to rain ***** upon
neighbor’s windshield. claiming
illness, but knowing she had lost a
race against tolerance shone from
deadened come-on eyes. returning,
graceless, she sought the rocking chair
and structured her breathing. head
leaning against rest as her thinned
figure nodded while murmurs begging it
immaculate convulsed from pursed lips.
her, praying of ****** deity to again
avoid end’s sole darkness.
Feb 4, 2014
Feb 4, 2014 at 2:27 AM UTC
Check the perstat
Rhyming attack
Mystery solver Kojack
Jump up
Watch you get slapped back
Welcome to my terror dome
So don't get caught roaming
Alone
Stats like Jordan Clout like Jackson
Ask any ?
They know I'm.packing
More heat than the Sahara Desert
The rap grand wizard
Rhymes chillin' as a blizzard
Ya ain't worth a single
**** ya pops should have pulled out early
Ya must been born prematurely
I can tell by the scent of ya perfume
Its the ***** in you common sense
I see you getting intense
Ya furious got ya delirious
Ya wanna be us but ya can't trust
I bust more raps than shots
In a western
classic asiatic dramatic
Cause static like Dinero
Put that on my nino
Got gangsters who hang in Fresno
Califas
Got the baddest chickas
Rukas killers to drug dealers
Who roll blackwoods and drive benzo
High dollar rolls
1000s of cnotes the black Shappiro
Keep ya marked like Zorro
One luv to my barrio
Break bricks like Mario Luigi
Who can see me?
If I'm always ghost ya Mary I'm.scary
Say my name three times
I bust more rounds than ***** Harry
Cemetery
Is where many flaks rest on try a be the Don
I'm the true reigning champion
Don't rock timbs know the ledge like rakim
I turn crowds helter skelter
Fear smelt ya
Drop the beat I can rock it
Acapella
Oct 14, 2016
Oct 14, 2016 at 10:16 PM UTC
smoke fell out of my mouth
the same way you fell
off the edge of this planet
and when i started this job
i thought it would distract me
from the reality of death
because if you're surrounded
by death, all the time,
does it really affect you?
the truth is, i walk past
your headstone and i pretend
you're just another grave
but you've never been anything
like the rest of them
or at all like i was back then
i'm stuck in this benzo haze
fading in and out of consciousness
(it's just another graveyard shift)
i hope if you were here
you'd still love me
(i didn't steal their souls)
i am the protector of all souls
i am only the thief of daylight
(son, it's your time to go)
Jul 23, 2014
Jul 23, 2014 at 2:16 PM UTC
When im anxious
I want to drink
I want to cut my wrists
Release these stressful thoughts
In the form of
Whiskey
and blood
I took some Ativan
Ive been prescribed
longer than a normal person should
Because its a benzo
And that ***** addicting
And I know that
Because I have a nursing degree
But still I think about mixing
The benzo
And the whiskey
With some blood
When im anxious
Because when im anxious
Rational thought
Is a thing in the past
Gasping for air
Feels like choking on glass
I am now physically sick
But my doctor insists
"Its just stress"
When Im anxious
I think about killing myself
But wouldnt that be typical?
Follow in his footsteps.
I can hear the chatter now
"She was never going to make it"
"Why would she do that to herself?"
Is this real?
Or my paranoia?
Because when im anxious
It all feels the same
I think I would die in vain
If I take my life
When im anxious
Oct 17, 2018
Oct 17, 2018 at 3:07 AM UTC
i can’t remember the sound
of his voice when he
told me to stop crying.
i know it was angry
but i can no longer hear
the inflection that made my heart
drop, my pulse speed up
because in that moment
he was my father.
in that moment i was scared
and shrunk away from him,
but his arm acted as an apology
around my shaking shoulders.
my dad never apologizes
after he makes me cry.
He stayed up with me that night
and i cried in his arms until six am.
the pack of cigarettes we had been sharing
was gone by sunrise.
i no longer remember how
that display of love made me feel wanted
because now i am left with a benzo haze
over the fulfilling moments, and a
clear recollection of the times i was hurt.
but i cut our cord and buried it in the sand
and i no longer feel the burden of love.
i no longer feel the burden of loving
and am back to shake alone at the thought
of my dad raising his voice.
Aug 22, 2017
Aug 22, 2017 at 11:44 AM UTC
Every day waking up to a panick attack
Sound asleep given no time to react
For the oncoming onslaught of pain
Like an asthma attack you gasp for air but to no evade
So you curl up and accept your fate
Then over an hour or so it slowly leaves in waves
Left with a residual feeling never to fully dissipate
Mar 20, 2022
Mar 20, 2022 at 9:43 PM UTC
You stick in my throat like something I long to say
and send a sickness sinking through me.
Then I gulp, gargle and rinse you down
my gullet like I used to do with my carrots.
With nothing you fill me so full I could burst.
But nothing ever happens; nothing at all.
Colours drain from everything around me
as If they’ve gotten bored of trying.
Night turns in, morning falls back asleep,
and each moment moans like a teenager.
But I still remember her perfume,
though it’s fading like a car over the hill.
I still remember the backcourts
when boredom used to bang and bounce a ball.
I still remember the scraped knees,
the first drink, the first joint, the first stolen kiss.
I still remember it all.
The memories jump start me into action.
And then I look at the clock.
And you remind me that it’s too late,
and that we will try again tomorrow.
Oct 17, 2016
Oct 17, 2016 at 1:02 PM UTC
Drowning in the lows of social interpretation of trust and true friendships
Leading my peers in unrecognizable intimidation that haunts my words and actions
The meaningless words I say haunt my spirit and gives me one more demon on my shoulder
"Just take one more, you'll forget" it says
My Control of Dependance never wins, the Benzo family welcomes me with warming thoughts of peace and stress free thinking that no other particle in this universe would replace.
My half empty bottle yells at me and reminds my stricken brain to keep it together
The crave is unnoticed and I think nothing of it until I wake
The vicious cycle lasts all day long and never goes away, nothing stops
The wheel spins as the pain and fear stab me along the way
I loose everyone and everything I have that makes me, me.
Nothing I know makes sense anymore,
Anything I do for myself seems useless and pathetic
The speed in of my surroundings is never ending and there is no one behind or in front to lead me
The paper trail of various mind warping pills lead my trail of life, giving me the warmth of their family's love as I drop each one under my tongue
Giving me the strength that God doesn't give me
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 7:31 PM UTC
Now really peep the game though
Gotta change my scenario
Sit back and charge a cigarillo
Stop ******* with them kilos
Hopped from a Benzo to low low
Glasshouse with the pokin' 84s
Foes is hoppin' guns is poppin'
Body droppin'
Once I let off aint non stoppin'
Claimin' I'm insanity in these streets
Wish I never met pistol pete
Cuz of life he greets
In the presence of where
Darkness meets
And enemies love to compete
But everyday is a battle
Stuck In a. Give with 24 **** hours to live
Yeah
So beautiful life used to be
Well hell naw lets turned
Back to slavery
Where all of my peeps used to see
Bright and sunnt
Locked in whips and chains
For the entertainment industry
Now that I gotten a little wiser
My mind explodes like a geyser
On the earth in the wind
Blowin fire hot as a dryer
To my flows I kick ya desire
Many rhymes come in a style
Been a wild since I was a child
Played foul never did I smile
I'm givin sonic booms like guile
Been while
Since I step on the scene
Mean as Joe Greene
Aimmin' macks at soft peens
Being a hero ain't what it really means.and it seems
No matter how hard I fight live
I only got 24 mo' to give 24 hours to live
Oct 10, 2017
Oct 10, 2017 at 5:58 AM UTC