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"assaulted" poems
I am a stranger to myself. I do not know how to be gentle, compassionate, or loving, to any part of myself. I have always been able to present myself well in most public situations, be it work, school, parental obligations, parties. I can be calm and level-headed. I am able to problem solve in logical and intelligent ways. I can be humorous and glamorous when need be. But it seems as though that power and confidence, that grace and strength, is only a mask. I now have more days when that mask feels heavy. And when I lack the strength to put it on, I have to hide myself. And I’ve been hiding a lot lately. I hid yesterday. I am hiding today. I hear the words of care that others speak, but they don’t feel real to me. Sometimes I can accept their words while knowing that they do not realize that I am a disgusting person who deserves to be treated badly. They see what I want them to see. I watch them interact with the humorous Nita, the intelligent Nita, and I watch it all from the outside. I want so much more for myself. Who is this Nita that is respected by so many? I want to be loved and to feel love. I want to be free from the father and the host body. I desperately wish to be free from them, and not just in a surface way. I want them out of me forever. My soul cries out for kindness and gentleness and yet when it is offered I cannot accept it. I want to be respected and loved and yet I do not know how to love or respect myself. I know how to pretend. I wrote the book on how to hide your feelings. I know how to smile, I know how to laugh. I know that I have been given gifts but I don’t know how to use them. And the ones who were abused, ***** assaulted, degraded… they are afraid to dream that there is more to life than this. They cannot fathom that there exists a world where they can be loved in a gentle way, touched in a way that does not hurt. They stopped dreaming a long time ago. I want to stop fighting so hard, so much of the time...fighting myself, the therapist the fighting stubborn one just comes out in full-force at any perceived threat and I want her to stop fighting when there is no reason to fight. I want to learn to trust in myself and others. I want the chaos and confusion inside my mind to clear and I want some sense of cohesiveness and togetherness inside of me. I want to believe that there is more to life than pretending behind an illusion of imaginary togetherness... more than just feeling ashamed and degraded. I want to trust that I am allowed to heal. I want to believe that I am worth the time and the effort it is taking, and the pain I endure every day. I want to believe that I am not what they said I am, that real love actually exists, and that I am worthy of receiving it. And even as I write this, there is that voice inside speaking to me, "But what if you're not worthy, Nita? What if you are what they said?" She is a big part of me~ she has a loud voice. And if I don't believe in myself... how can I convince that part of me that I am good and I am worthy?
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Aug 4, 2013
Aug 4, 2013 at 5:29 AM UTC
I know so much ~ but I do not know myself
I am a stranger to myself. I do not know how to be gentle, compassionate, or loving, to any part of myself. I have always been able to present myself well in most public situations, be it work, school, parental obligations, parties. I can be calm and level-headed. I am able to problem solve in logical and intelligent ways. I can be humorous and glamorous when need be. But it seems as though that power and confidence, that grace and strength, is only a mask. I now have more days when that mask feels heavy. And when I lack the strength to put it on, I have to hide myself. And I’ve been hiding a lot lately. I hid yesterday. I am hiding today. I hear the words of care that others speak, but they don’t feel real to me. Sometimes I can accept their words while knowing that they do not realize that I am a disgusting person who deserves to be treated badly. They see what I want them to see. I watch them interact with the humorous Nita, the intelligent Nita, and I watch it all from the outside. I want so much more for myself. Who is this Nita that is respected by so many? I want to be loved and to feel love. I want to be free from the father and the host body. I desperately wish to be free from them, and not just in a surface way. I want them out of me forever. My soul cries out for kindness and gentleness and yet when it is offered I cannot accept it. I want to be respected and loved and yet I do not know how to love or respect myself. I know how to pretend. I wrote the book on how to hide your feelings. I know how to smile, I know how to laugh. I know that I have been given gifts but I don’t know how to use them. And the ones who were abused, ***** assaulted, degraded… they are afraid to dream that there is more to life than this. They cannot fathom that there exists a world where they can be loved in a gentle way, touched in a way that does not hurt. They stopped dreaming a long time ago. I want to stop fighting so hard, so much of the time...fighting myself, the therapist the fighting stubborn one just comes out in full-force at any perceived threat and I want her to stop fighting when there is no reason to fight. I want to learn to trust in myself and others. I want the chaos and confusion inside my mind to clear and I want some sense of cohesiveness and togetherness inside of me. I want to believe that there is more to life than pretending behind an illusion of imaginary togetherness... more than just feeling ashamed and degraded. I want to trust that I am allowed to heal. I want to believe that I am worth the time and the effort it is taking, and the pain I endure every day. I want to believe that I am not what they said I am, that real love actually exists, and that I am worthy of receiving it. And even as I write this, there is that voice inside speaking to me, "But what if you're not worthy, Nita? What if you are what they said?" She is a big part of me~ she has a loud voice. And if I don't believe in myself... how can I convince that part of me that I am good and I am worthy?
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61
After the wind lifts the beggar From his bed of trash And blows to the empty pubs At the road's end There exists only the silence Of the world before dawn And the solitude of trees. Handel on the set mysteriously Recalls to me the long Hot nights of childhood spent In malarial slums In the midst of potent shrines At the edge of great seas. Dreams of the past sing With voices of the future. And now the world is assaulted With a sweetness it doesn't deserve Flowers sing with the voices of absent bees The air swells with the vibrant Solitude of trees who nightly Whisper of re-invading the world. But the night bends the trees Into my dreams And the stars fall with their fruits Into my lonely world-burnt hands. _______ Source: http://www.universeofpoetry.org/nigeria.shtml
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13.9k
Undeserved Sweetness
My my, what a special little snowflake. Why did you choose to be this way? You chose to be different, you chose to rebel. No binary for me! You chose the grief, the pain. You chose this abuse, bruised by the verbal ferociousness, forged by physical fallacies To be thrown out of bathrooms because doing your business in the bathroom is abysmal. You chose to be derided by decisive discrimination. You chose to be murdered by misconceptions, ***** by ridiculous requirements. You chose to be beaten, assaulted. You chose the words I weave to weaken your will. You chose the sacred sermons I spit at you. You chose to be What I find disgusting, despicable because you chose to be what you aren't, but I realize what I really regard you to be. My my, what a special little bigot. You think I chose to be this way? You think I chose the injuring, injustice, the jester, the joke the target, tortured, This pain, my poison, the prey, praying, the sinner of sins so bittersweet, So I could be "special"? Special isn't a sacrifice of physical self Nor the gunshots and gruesome grief Nor even the crass comfort of a half-assed comrade. You think I CHOSE this, and you didn't choose to spit and spew your sour speeches to disperse your disgust in discrimination to integrate your ignorance into my existence. Or did you not choose to deal the abuse by your hand yourself? My special little bigot, You live as you are. So be it, if I am so "special", the special little snowflake. Yes, we are the little snowflakes that your palm's presence melts away, And you're that burning persistence of life Blocking with your own self our slow, wistful descent, As if it were futility and not of your own will. If I am the snowflake, you are the fire.
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May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 8:42 PM UTC
Special Little Snowflake
My my, what a special little snowflake. Why did you choose to be this way? You chose to be different, you chose to rebel. No binary for me! You chose the grief, the pain. You chose this abuse, bruised by the verbal ferociousness, forged by physical fallacies To be thrown out of bathrooms because doing your business in the bathroom is abysmal. You chose to be derided by decisive discrimination. You chose to be murdered by misconceptions, ***** by ridiculous requirements. You chose to be beaten, assaulted. You chose the words I weave to weaken your will. You chose the sacred sermons I spit at you. You chose to be What I find disgusting, despicable because you chose to be what you aren't, but I realize what I really regard you to be. My my, what a special little bigot. You think I chose to be this way? You think I chose the injuring, injustice, the jester, the joke the target, tortured, This pain, my poison, the prey, praying, the sinner of sins so bittersweet, So I could be "special"? Special isn't a sacrifice of physical self Nor the gunshots and gruesome grief Nor even the crass comfort of a half-assed comrade. You think I CHOSE this, and you didn't choose to spit and spew your sour speeches to disperse your disgust in discrimination to integrate your ignorance into my existence. Or did you not choose to deal the abuse by your hand yourself? My special little bigot, You live as you are. So be it, if I am so "special", the special little snowflake. Yes, we are the little snowflakes that your palm's presence melts away, And you're that burning persistence of life Blocking with your own self our slow, wistful descent, As if it were futility and not of your own will. If I am the snowflake, you are the fire.
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49
Sorting boxes, packing clothes Assaulted by the past When you stood and said forever You both thought it would last A jewellery box, a trinket here A gift they never used A present from five years ago You smile, a bit bemused The boxes fill, the tears arrive You know it must be done It's the one part of a person's life That surely isn't fun Textures and scents surround you They take you back in time To a place before computers When a phone call cost a dime You fill one box, put it aside "Donations" on the side You can picture every item That you piled up inside You put them in there lovingly You didn't want to let them go By releasing them into the box It forced you to....you know Accept that you're alone now That your partner is not here That the life you built together Is now remembered by a tear You gave things out to family Though you do not know just why They will stick them in a drop box And that just makes you cry You picture them inside the clothes And you hear their laugh as you Put magazines and tolietries Inside Box number two You put aside some things you like To remember better days Though you know that in the future You'll remember through a haze Time will mar your memories Keep the good times, wipe the bad You'll forget about the smile And this really is quite sad It takes days to sort the boxes Fill the others, pack them all By the time that you are finished They will almost fill the hall When complete you think on What is in the totes There's clothing, jewellery, memories And magazines and notes You don't know where to take them You balance on a knife The question here before you How do you give away a life?
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Apr 28, 2012
Apr 28, 2012 at 6:10 PM UTC
How Do You Give Away A Life?
Sorting boxes, packing clothes Assaulted by the past When you stood and said forever You both thought it would last A jewellery box, a trinket here A gift they never used A present from five years ago You smile, a bit bemused The boxes fill, the tears arrive You know it must be done It's the one part of a person's life That surely isn't fun Textures and scents surround you They take you back in time To a place before computers When a phone call cost a dime You fill one box, put it aside "Donations" on the side You can picture every item That you piled up inside You put them in there lovingly You didn't want to let them go By releasing them into the box It forced you to....you know Accept that you're alone now That your partner is not here That the life you built together Is now remembered by a tear You gave things out to family Though you do not know just why They will stick them in a drop box And that just makes you cry You picture them inside the clothes And you hear their laugh as you Put magazines and tolietries Inside Box number two You put aside some things you like To remember better days Though you know that in the future You'll remember through a haze Time will mar your memories Keep the good times, wipe the bad You'll forget about the smile And this really is quite sad It takes days to sort the boxes Fill the others, pack them all By the time that you are finished They will almost fill the hall When complete you think on What is in the totes There's clothing, jewellery, memories And magazines and notes You don't know where to take them You balance on a knife The question here before you How do you give away a life?
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56
Oh sleepless night, why are your eyes red? Oh sleepless night, why do you gasp every time you close your eyes? Oh sleepless night, why are you paranoid? Oh sleepless night, oh sleepless night has all the sheep died, because you only see a fence without sheep to count? Oh sleepless night, do you want to talk about it? Oh sleepless night, why do you talk to yourself, have you finally lost it? Oh sleepless night, I think you have and I think I know why! Oh sleepless night, we are one, so really I'm just asking myself these questions. Oh sleepless night, was it because I heard my dad beating my mom? Oh sleepless night is it because I had a baby sitter that sexually assaulted me? Oh sleepless night, is it because after the baby sitter was asleep I killed him? Oh sleepless night, Oh sleepless night, is it because I get bullied at school? Oh sleepless night, what do I have in my hand right now? Oh sleepless night, I tell you the truth I'm done with you. Oh sleepless night, Oh sleepless night, all it would take is a simple click...click...Boom!!!
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Apr 28, 2015
Apr 28, 2015 at 6:18 PM UTC
Oh Sleepless Night
Born into a world of deception, Embraced in a life of abuse, Tormented by a state of abandonment, Betrayed by parents of youth. Destroyed by words of profanities, Tortured without excuse, Alone in a house of misery: Torn, battered, and confused. Compelled to a life of insignificance With their endeavors never seen, Their family — a false reality, Alone with only their dreams. Assaulted with no explanation By parents who destroy with their hands; A child bruised and broken Can only dream of oceans and sands. Alone in a world with no one, Their voice never heard nor seen, Locked in a room of obscurities, Waiting for death to set them free. Violence speaks to this child With no escape to be seen. Alone in this house of tragedy: Withdrawn, suicidal, and unseen. © 2020, K. Saitta
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Nov 11, 2020
Nov 11, 2020 at 4:01 PM UTC
A Child Alone
‘You’re so wet for me baby’ they say ‘You’re not saying no’ Rinse repeat It hurts I say ‘That’s normal ‘ It is what it is what it is what it is My words stop ‘You’re so quiet’ they say If I unzip my abused vocal chords I won’t be able to stop the noise Keening screaming bursting like a dam It’ll fill up my head My ******* bone marrow Where do I begin and where do you end flush against me I am good at being quiet I am good at being small I am good at being needed I am good at pleasing others I am good at saying yes when I mean; Stop Get me out You are choking me I can’t breathe There is blood on my teeth On my hands I held you after you assaulted me for the first time and you told me about what was plaguing your mind So I comfort you Rinse repeat Tell you I’ve got you through gritted teeth Is that so bad is that so bad I am needed so why is it so ******* bad You fill my lungs acrid and burning Inhale exhale Inhale exhale Wd and vcka coat your lips like a gaudy lipgloss Wash away the taste of you Clean my teeth with dettol Empty my veins clean the dirt and grime away   Trying to forget the way you coat my teeth Your mouth is so good baby’ you say It is bad honey and expired milk It is not being touched since It is not sleeping It is wanting to be held but being terrified of the thought To be held is to be vulnerable Split me open Look inside
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Apr 25, 2023
Apr 25, 2023 at 8:45 AM UTC
ON ****** ASSAULT
I’m an angry feminist because women are told that their place is in the kitchen I’m an angry feminist because walking by myself at night is never safe I’m an angry feminist because men want 4 wives while they can't handle one properly I’m an angry feminist because I was told to sit right and close my legs I’m an angry feminist because she was asking for it is still an excuse I’m an angry feminist because women are killed because they “betrayed” the family honor I’m an angry feminist because we teach girls how not to get ***** but not boys not to **** I'm an angry feminist because girls are sexually assaulted no matter how modestly or immodestly they are dressed I’m an angry feminist because we are told to shut up when a man speaks I’m an angry feminist because women are still beaten by their partners I’m an angry feminist because women are still judged by the appearance only I’m an angry feminist because women are still faking ******* I'm an angry feminist because your sexist jokes are never funny I’m an angry feminist because we should never say no to a man or he will feel offended...oooh i have pity on them.. poor creatures I’m an angry feminist because people still don't know what a feminist means Lesbians who hate men they say
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Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 9:01 AM UTC
feminist
When I was thirteen, I had a running coach. He was short, lean, and muscular. An Italian man with a whistle hanging around his neck, farmer's tan, and below his black widow's peak sat silver aviators, propped upon his shiny beak. I ran miles and miles a day, but, no matter how much I'd run he never followed. He always trusted me to stride my roads and lift my knees high during the kick at the end of the races against myself. "If you want to run you gotta drop that baggage," he'd laugh between sips from his water bottle as he towered over little me, panting and red. We both stood tall under the blazing sun. I couldn't comprehend exactly what he meant, I mean, I told him, "I have ultra-light, top-of-the-line shoes, compression shorts and athletic toes, a hairless chest for maximum speed, sweat running rivers down my spine, legs that never exhaust, and, above all, Coach, a spirit that can move mountains." His response, silence and a smirk. Who was he to teach me about running? "You're weighing yourself down boy, you gotta drop that baggage." It was his motto for me every time my time would increase, because, you see, when running, increase is bad. Except for hills. I can still hear his voice in my head, "Uphill, increase exertion." He never ran with me, he just told me to go. He showed me the route and I did as expected, six days a week, sometimes three miles, sometimes ten, day after day, again and again, shoulders hunched and me out of breath, "runners high," they called it. I hated running, I hated my coach, I didn't understand why anyone would want run to anywhere. Not now. Now, I love it. It has become my hobby, a specialty for when one grows up, your body is built for it, and your mind has been ready to run since junior high. It starts as a seedling, when you're barely able to walk, and by the time your cardiovascular system has been assaulted by packs of tobacco and rolled marijuana, it blooms green. That's when you realize: Running is easy. And coaching? Don't even get me started on how easy that is.
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Aug 17, 2012
Aug 17, 2012 at 1:12 PM UTC
Timmy O'Brien
When I was thirteen, I had a running coach. He was short, lean, and muscular. An Italian man with a whistle hanging around his neck, farmer's tan, and below his black widow's peak sat silver aviators, propped upon his shiny beak. I ran miles and miles a day, but, no matter how much I'd run he never followed. He always trusted me to stride my roads and lift my knees high during the kick at the end of the races against myself. "If you want to run you gotta drop that baggage," he'd laugh between sips from his water bottle as he towered over little me, panting and red. We both stood tall under the blazing sun. I couldn't comprehend exactly what he meant, I mean, I told him, "I have ultra-light, top-of-the-line shoes, compression shorts and athletic toes, a hairless chest for maximum speed, sweat running rivers down my spine, legs that never exhaust, and, above all, Coach, a spirit that can move mountains." His response, silence and a smirk. Who was he to teach me about running? "You're weighing yourself down boy, you gotta drop that baggage." It was his motto for me every time my time would increase, because, you see, when running, increase is bad. Except for hills. I can still hear his voice in my head, "Uphill, increase exertion." He never ran with me, he just told me to go. He showed me the route and I did as expected, six days a week, sometimes three miles, sometimes ten, day after day, again and again, shoulders hunched and me out of breath, "runners high," they called it. I hated running, I hated my coach, I didn't understand why anyone would want run to anywhere. Not now. Now, I love it. It has become my hobby, a specialty for when one grows up, your body is built for it, and your mind has been ready to run since junior high. It starts as a seedling, when you're barely able to walk, and by the time your cardiovascular system has been assaulted by packs of tobacco and rolled marijuana, it blooms green. That's when you realize: Running is easy. And coaching? Don't even get me started on how easy that is.
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59
assaulted by ninth period boredom the clock has been on 3:15 for fifteen minutes (It isn't broken.)
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Apr 9, 2012
Apr 9, 2012 at 3:17 PM UTC
Boredom
*Sleep evades her, while she's assaulted, by her relentless thoughts.*
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Dec 3, 2014
Dec 3, 2014 at 3:25 AM UTC
Insomnia (10W)
Today I accidentally saw a preview of; The News; a disabled sixteen-year-old girl, a victim of abuse god The accused is a priest. A round man in a long black cassock And a snip view from mass of another priest plays shortly My face turns green as my mood turns blue He says he has a holy feeling, that the accusations aren’t true. A cult; /kʌlt/ noun ‘a system of religious veneration and devotion directed towards a particular figure or object.’ We show our devotion, we kneel and give thanks He applies lotion, looks at a child and wanks. god Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and to the respect of those beliefs. My belief is that no human is superior to another human. A priest is only a man. And this man in the long black cassock had a plan. And this child will remain terrorized forever. People should be held accountable for their actions. Women’s lives are not to be of similar value to male satisfactions. An article on ‘The year of ‘Times Up’ and ‘Me Too’ movements has been a dangerous year for men.’ Every year from the beginning of time has been a dangerous year for a woman. Innocent men are not in danger. I was sexualized and assaulted at the age of eleven. #MeToo I wasn’t wearing a short skirt. I wasn’t drunk. I wasn’t provocative. I was playing chase. For years after that game of chase I had nightmares featuring his face This is not your place to say this year is dangerous, for men. Times Up
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Oct 17, 2018
Oct 17, 2018 at 3:48 PM UTC
'Dangerous Year For Men'
I am naked and wearing a football helmet. in many ways, I am the memory my son has of taking a bath. a picture doesn’t last any longer than it takes me to look at it. when it’s my sister I can hear her pointing out assaulted places. poor places, poor puppy. I don’t know why I am a child. my sister has no problem listening to herself. her last blank book had only a title, a running joke she quoted from and called shower days. to date, my son has had one seizure. he shook the provided angel. my body was at a press conference.
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Feb 5, 2014
Feb 5, 2014 at 10:18 PM UTC
calming
Donald Trump's presidency Is one of the greatest achievements in art I have ever experienced And Trump is a true artist He takes words from the page Like corruption, disenfranchisement, xenophobia And brings them to life Highlighting fear and paranoia so clearly Contrasting the blacks and whites Emphasizing anger While reminding us we're mere infants In the digital age And warning us of our seniority And capitalism's We all like to think life has meaning Until we hit an animal with our car Then that's just the way things are And I'm staring at an absurdist painting Of a child driving a car Through a herd of sheep As I watch a heist film Where the robbers turn their guns over To the mentally unstable guy in the group Trump is a national artist Placing riots on the map And drawing infernos on the Internet His art forces an opinion Everybody has something to say about him And it's all true Even the pages he ripped from his own cabinet Tried to villainize him in their script But he was already an anti-hero The humor is that the mud slung onto him Is dirt kicked up from his own tires I guess if you surround yourself with hateful people You're surrounding yourself with people who probably hate you Trump's art is deeply conflicting He reminds me of the people who want me to live in shame Yet he embodies the individuality that separates me from that shame His insecurities remind me of myself High school is the White House in the eyes of a kid And I had secrets I wanted to share But felt I couldn't I learned things That changed my entire perspective And didn't think people would understand Afraid of being assaulted for my indiscretions I hid behind a boisterous personality And a nonchalant attitude Trump's art evokes sympathy and hatred that feels so strong When he holds a mirror defining our worst qualities To a man viscerally opposed to his own reflection The confliction of emotions Is the hallmark of great art We are all artists The lines we write or the strokes we brush Are in our actions And Trump's canvas displays A life filled with accomplishment Inspiring me to live my own life But I still wake up in cold sweats From the American dream That anybody can be president
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Sep 29, 2017
Sep 29, 2017 at 6:39 AM UTC
Conflicting
Donald Trump's presidency Is one of the greatest achievements in art I have ever experienced And Trump is a true artist He takes words from the page Like corruption, disenfranchisement, xenophobia And brings them to life Highlighting fear and paranoia so clearly Contrasting the blacks and whites Emphasizing anger While reminding us we're mere infants In the digital age And warning us of our seniority And capitalism's We all like to think life has meaning Until we hit an animal with our car Then that's just the way things are And I'm staring at an absurdist painting Of a child driving a car Through a herd of sheep As I watch a heist film Where the robbers turn their guns over To the mentally unstable guy in the group Trump is a national artist Placing riots on the map And drawing infernos on the Internet His art forces an opinion Everybody has something to say about him And it's all true Even the pages he ripped from his own cabinet Tried to villainize him in their script But he was already an anti-hero The humor is that the mud slung onto him Is dirt kicked up from his own tires I guess if you surround yourself with hateful people You're surrounding yourself with people who probably hate you Trump's art is deeply conflicting He reminds me of the people who want me to live in shame Yet he embodies the individuality that separates me from that shame His insecurities remind me of myself High school is the White House in the eyes of a kid And I had secrets I wanted to share But felt I couldn't I learned things That changed my entire perspective And didn't think people would understand Afraid of being assaulted for my indiscretions I hid behind a boisterous personality And a nonchalant attitude Trump's art evokes sympathy and hatred that feels so strong When he holds a mirror defining our worst qualities To a man viscerally opposed to his own reflection The confliction of emotions Is the hallmark of great art We are all artists The lines we write or the strokes we brush Are in our actions And Trump's canvas displays A life filled with accomplishment Inspiring me to live my own life But I still wake up in cold sweats From the American dream That anybody can be president
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62
You don't know what it's like To be violated To be held against your will And felt up And leave bruises By someone you trusted By someone you thought cared about you You don't know what it's like to be used just for your body By someone you thought cared for more than just nudes By someone who told you were cute and pretty You don't know what it's like to tell the person who violated you What they did to you And how it made you feel You don't know what it's like to receive a fake apology One only to get you to shut up But as you're telling him your point of view And as he's pretending to apologize You could just feel all the "I don't cares" and "will you shut up nows" You don't know what its like to attempt to leave an uncomfortable situation Only to be pulled back by the handle on your backpack Unaware of what is going on You thought you were leaving You don't know what it's like to be held up against the body Of a strong, tall male Unable to push him away Unable to squirm out of the situation You don't know what it's like to be barely able to breathe Because your face is pressed right up against his side But of course you knew he was strong He played hockey and baseball But you didn't know he was that strong You don't know what it's like to be violated by someone you thought you could trust, or thought they could protect you. Let's not mention how you don't know what it's like To be sitting in class, sharing your homework with another boy Only to feel his hand on your leg You don't know what it's like to sit in a room full of students And have no one notice what is happening And you've shot a look that says don't do it Yet he takes that as a look to continue to go up further Because he thought it would increase tension But really he made your self-worth decrease You don't know what it's like to have an unwanted hand go up your skirt And you thought it was okay to wear a skirt that day Just like you wore one every other day Because the Kilt was part of your school uniform But of course that made your visible legs vulnerable And it's a good thing that someone else call for his attention Because you wanted anything but his And you don't know what it's like to make a scene Or to tell someone Because you're not sure if you parents will be more upset About you talking to boys or that your got yourself into those situations You don't know what it's like to stay silent Because you don't want to make matters worse But it's my body, why would someone think they have access to it? Because you don't know what it's like to be sexually assaulted
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Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 10:25 PM UTC
You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like To be violated To be held against your will And felt up And leave bruises By someone you trusted By someone you thought cared about you You don't know what it's like to be used just for your body By someone you thought cared for more than just nudes By someone who told you were cute and pretty You don't know what it's like to tell the person who violated you What they did to you And how it made you feel You don't know what it's like to receive a fake apology One only to get you to shut up But as you're telling him your point of view And as he's pretending to apologize You could just feel all the "I don't cares" and "will you shut up nows" You don't know what its like to attempt to leave an uncomfortable situation Only to be pulled back by the handle on your backpack Unaware of what is going on You thought you were leaving You don't know what it's like to be held up against the body Of a strong, tall male Unable to push him away Unable to squirm out of the situation You don't know what it's like to be barely able to breathe Because your face is pressed right up against his side But of course you knew he was strong He played hockey and baseball But you didn't know he was that strong You don't know what it's like to be violated by someone you thought you could trust, or thought they could protect you. Let's not mention how you don't know what it's like To be sitting in class, sharing your homework with another boy Only to feel his hand on your leg You don't know what it's like to sit in a room full of students And have no one notice what is happening And you've shot a look that says don't do it Yet he takes that as a look to continue to go up further Because he thought it would increase tension But really he made your self-worth decrease You don't know what it's like to have an unwanted hand go up your skirt And you thought it was okay to wear a skirt that day Just like you wore one every other day Because the Kilt was part of your school uniform But of course that made your visible legs vulnerable And it's a good thing that someone else call for his attention Because you wanted anything but his And you don't know what it's like to make a scene Or to tell someone Because you're not sure if you parents will be more upset About you talking to boys or that your got yourself into those situations You don't know what it's like to stay silent Because you don't want to make matters worse But it's my body, why would someone think they have access to it? Because you don't know what it's like to be sexually assaulted
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anorexia and binge eating disorder depression and OCD reactive attachment disorder sexually assaulted sensory processing disorder suicidal abused neglected hostile resentful toward mother figures fearful of father figures cutter people pleaser desire to be perfect high expectations for herself lost "im not sure how i am going to help you. but i will do my best" -she says
0
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 11:11 PM UTC
My Therapist's Notes
I swear next time a person tells me , "oh she looks like a little **** OH SHE WAS ASKIN FOR IT ! OH YOUR BODY IS THE REASON YOU WERE TOUCHED oh she's slept with too many men , oh she's too much of an angry feminist." I would love to ask them well WHYYYY do you think she's such an ANGRY FEMINIST I know why I AM!!!! ; BECAUSE when so many men &women have ***** abused assaulted hurt me with words emotionally abused manipulated gaslighted me you feel poisoned by the men who should've protected you and when you feel that way by many women too than where does that leave you ?? it leaves you hating most people so stop tellin' us TO STOP BEING MAD START CHANGIN' AND THEN JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
0
Mar 10, 2023
Mar 10, 2023 at 3:05 PM UTC
I SWEAR TO YOU
I almost don’t want to voice my opinion because I like staying in the back of the mix but it’s hard to do. Straight from the mind, the mouth, of a transgendered person, this is honesty. I know that there are a lot of people going on about the bathroom laws right now. It’s ridiculous we even have to get to laws for bathrooms. They’re for elimination, but it generally doesn’t stay at that. Gossip, vomiting, crying, **** ****** etc. Things you’ll most likely, in this century, find in the walls of bathrooms. People are posting the meme, about the ****** Trying to mix it in with these laws. A ****** who is a man, and someone who is transgender, don’t fall into the same category, and even if it’s made to better the judgement of hate and redirect the criticism of keeping transgender people in a specific bathroom, don’t compare. Because he is a male, he is a ****** We are not the same. Now, recently, people are posting about the mass shooting and connecting the two. Saying how the last thing they want to hear about is how dangerous a transgender person is in bathroom now. And they’re correct, because it’s always the last thing on my mind. I hate myself, so you don’t have to. I have enough hate in me for myself so everyone can leave me be, knowing its strong enough. I don’t want to be me, I don’t want to be like I am and I live with that everyday. I haven’t been able to make peace with myself and love myself, yet. But I hope I can eventually. I just wanted to put this out there, so people can see this side of things. From someone who is transgender. The last thing on my mind in the bathroom is: you. I do not want contact with anyone in there. I fear you. I am scared to be there. I feel threatened. I feel in danger, not you. You should be ashamed to feel such resentment towards someone you don’t even know, because I am in the one in danger, not you. I feel ashamed I am afraid of you and that is embarrassing to say, but I am. So don’t dare make it about your safety, because you are the last thing on my mind, I promise you that. Being misgendered, being ***** being beaten, being murdered, slandered, assaulted, accused, uncertain, hated, dehumanised, alone. Fear. These are what I am thinking about when all I have to do is *** but all I wanted to have to do was get groceries. Or get McDonald’s, get cat food, my car fixed, an outfit, take my husband lunch, take my daughter to the park, etc. I have a family I love, very much. So yeah, you are the last thing on my mind when I just have to use the bathroom, and don’t even want to need to use one in public because I am so afraid for my safety and wondering if this time, is going to be the last time I walk in one and don’t get to go home to my family because of who I am. I am sure people have reasons to fear what they won’t know or understand, but understand this. I know you have your own fears and your own needs and expectations, but so do I. Don’t fear me, in the bathroom, because my fear is actually greater than yours, I promise you that. And honestly, that is the last on my mind, anyway. **I just have to ***
0
Jun 14, 2016
Jun 14, 2016 at 2:32 PM UTC
I Hate Myself So You Don't Have To
I almost don’t want to voice my opinion because I like staying in the back of the mix but it’s hard to do. Straight from the mind, the mouth, of a transgendered person, this is honesty. I know that there are a lot of people going on about the bathroom laws right now. It’s ridiculous we even have to get to laws for bathrooms. They’re for elimination, but it generally doesn’t stay at that. Gossip, vomiting, crying, **** ****** etc. Things you’ll most likely, in this century, find in the walls of bathrooms. People are posting the meme, about the ****** Trying to mix it in with these laws. A ****** who is a man, and someone who is transgender, don’t fall into the same category, and even if it’s made to better the judgement of hate and redirect the criticism of keeping transgender people in a specific bathroom, don’t compare. Because he is a male, he is a ****** We are not the same. Now, recently, people are posting about the mass shooting and connecting the two. Saying how the last thing they want to hear about is how dangerous a transgender person is in bathroom now. And they’re correct, because it’s always the last thing on my mind. I hate myself, so you don’t have to. I have enough hate in me for myself so everyone can leave me be, knowing its strong enough. I don’t want to be me, I don’t want to be like I am and I live with that everyday. I haven’t been able to make peace with myself and love myself, yet. But I hope I can eventually. I just wanted to put this out there, so people can see this side of things. From someone who is transgender. The last thing on my mind in the bathroom is: you. I do not want contact with anyone in there. I fear you. I am scared to be there. I feel threatened. I feel in danger, not you. You should be ashamed to feel such resentment towards someone you don’t even know, because I am in the one in danger, not you. I feel ashamed I am afraid of you and that is embarrassing to say, but I am. So don’t dare make it about your safety, because you are the last thing on my mind, I promise you that. Being misgendered, being ***** being beaten, being murdered, slandered, assaulted, accused, uncertain, hated, dehumanised, alone. Fear. These are what I am thinking about when all I have to do is *** but all I wanted to have to do was get groceries. Or get McDonald’s, get cat food, my car fixed, an outfit, take my husband lunch, take my daughter to the park, etc. I have a family I love, very much. So yeah, you are the last thing on my mind when I just have to use the bathroom, and don’t even want to need to use one in public because I am so afraid for my safety and wondering if this time, is going to be the last time I walk in one and don’t get to go home to my family because of who I am. I am sure people have reasons to fear what they won’t know or understand, but understand this. I know you have your own fears and your own needs and expectations, but so do I. Don’t fear me, in the bathroom, because my fear is actually greater than yours, I promise you that. And honestly, that is the last on my mind, anyway. **I just have to ***
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I stare at the television news.... Assaulted by violence Stunned by the inhumanity of a Godless society I listen to the radio.... Embarrassed by ads that tout Promiscuous pleasures Outraged by the thinly disguised Decadent discourses of the shock jocks I read the newspapers and magazines.... Cuckolded by corporate America a Loser in the games politicians play Violated Shamed Cheated and Betrayed I try to turn it all off…. but like a bitter pill the distasteful images linger nor can I go along with eyes shut and ears muffled living or not in a padded room of my own making I cannot function without information…. tho my senses are Wounded by the Brutality of the media I yearn for thoughts to ease my distress.... like a mother’s soft whispers to her crying baby like the beauty that shines from faces that know love I don’t want the perception of reality that the media rapes me with.... I want the truth revealed by God in His creation
0
Oct 1, 2016
Oct 1, 2016 at 9:06 AM UTC
Media Madness
Dysphoria, what does it feel like? They sigh, trying to find a single sentence for years of caged silence. Identity: Female Stuck in the wrong way To me it’s a sense of nothing will ever be right The feeling of being in extreme danger Like you’re about to die Identity: Male All I can say is This isn’t me The feeling is a long and windy explanation of Disassociation There are things about me that I don’t associate with myself And it’s weird and confusing When I become aware of them Identity: **** A drag queen? Trans fluid. Dysphoria... It's a lot like, Anger, Betrayal, An itch Like a really itchy sweater, You can’t take it off And the longer you have to wear it the worse it gets You start to hate yourself because You’re the one that put the sweater on in the first place They say we are ill Broken ****** *** “Butch” It’s not correct When they say it’s their right to say those That’s when I get mad If there is no way to make the mind conform to the body You must make the body conform to the mind If they think it’s their right to tell other people that their identity is wrong, Then they are ill and broken They have no f**king clue And I know, I can’t tell them they’re wrong Without telling them why But I realize Explaining this is futile With closed minded people Bathrooms need to change, Health care needs to change, Identification needs to change People are forced to “pick one” Trans-phobia shouldn’t be tolerated Mental health care shouldn’t be because it’s a “defect” Social pressure, Internalized oppression, Abuse, Shouldn’t Be Tolerated Politicians have got it the wrong way around One in two transgender persons have experienced ****** assault One. In. Two. They say, “We don’t want men undercover spying on our women and children” You think they are in there to spy or **** Name more than two cases in the last 25 years Where a transgender person has sexually abused a woman in the ladies bathroom You can’t But give me five minutes, and I can come up with five to eight names of transgender people That have been assaulted in bathrooms since 2019 started But our Pride cannot be destroyed It’s our strength A feeling of belonging A belief that we can change this We are not alone. We Are Not Alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
0
Mar 7, 2019
Mar 7, 2019 at 5:27 PM UTC
Listen To Their Voice
Dysphoria, what does it feel like? They sigh, trying to find a single sentence for years of caged silence. Identity: Female Stuck in the wrong way To me it’s a sense of nothing will ever be right The feeling of being in extreme danger Like you’re about to die Identity: Male All I can say is This isn’t me The feeling is a long and windy explanation of Disassociation There are things about me that I don’t associate with myself And it’s weird and confusing When I become aware of them Identity: **** A drag queen? Trans fluid. Dysphoria... It's a lot like, Anger, Betrayal, An itch Like a really itchy sweater, You can’t take it off And the longer you have to wear it the worse it gets You start to hate yourself because You’re the one that put the sweater on in the first place They say we are ill Broken ****** *** “Butch” It’s not correct When they say it’s their right to say those That’s when I get mad If there is no way to make the mind conform to the body You must make the body conform to the mind If they think it’s their right to tell other people that their identity is wrong, Then they are ill and broken They have no f**king clue And I know, I can’t tell them they’re wrong Without telling them why But I realize Explaining this is futile With closed minded people Bathrooms need to change, Health care needs to change, Identification needs to change People are forced to “pick one” Trans-phobia shouldn’t be tolerated Mental health care shouldn’t be because it’s a “defect” Social pressure, Internalized oppression, Abuse, Shouldn’t Be Tolerated Politicians have got it the wrong way around One in two transgender persons have experienced ****** assault One. In. Two. They say, “We don’t want men undercover spying on our women and children” You think they are in there to spy or **** Name more than two cases in the last 25 years Where a transgender person has sexually abused a woman in the ladies bathroom You can’t But give me five minutes, and I can come up with five to eight names of transgender people That have been assaulted in bathrooms since 2019 started But our Pride cannot be destroyed It’s our strength A feeling of belonging A belief that we can change this We are not alone. We Are Not Alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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70
i should have known from the moment i saw you and the time when you left to my present diseased state now should have saw the signs and noticed the symptoms: my chest constricts whenever you're around my lungs swiftly assaulted leaving me gasping as if i just swallowed an entire ocean of saltwater like asthma, you took my breath away at first, it led me to a good place akin to a whirlwind floral maze now that you're gone i thought i would recover but then, as with asthma, there is no cure for me i realized with a shudder the painful tattoos were burnt into my heart and there they will remain forever
0
Dec 14, 2013
Dec 14, 2013 at 11:20 AM UTC
asthma.
She ain't depressed, she sings all day Songs of another devil Saw a dog, stilted awning dance Stay, another day Still awake, dreaming Sleeping at daybreak though Silky and delicate Submissive, absolute danger Salted, assaulted, decompression **** another detail written Seasonal affective disorder Sadly attained death
0
Dec 30, 2013
Dec 30, 2013 at 9:49 AM UTC
Sleeping After Dancing/Seasons Always Diverge
An airplane crashes into an uncharted island and hundreds of people die in the burning debris, and somewhere a group of boys and girls are taking selfies as they stand next to a burning office building. Thousands of teenagers sit on the couch and eat ice cream until the buttons on their pants explode off. Kids light themselves on fires as if they were monks from the Tiananmen Square, trying to gain acceptance, their dreams of stardom translated through a series of YouTube comments. We can't afford books for college because the tuition is ridiculous, but these glossy tabloid magazines are only a few bucks; pick one to set the course of your life. Middle-aged people spend their lives indoors, away from the thirsty, hungry, withering children, and check how many likes did their photos receive on their smartphones. Pornographic images in front of our tired faces, our eyes locked to the screen and we do not blink as our memories become embedded with objectification. So we don't look up and see the chaos transpiring. Cat memes and colorful gifs hold our attention while our parents slave away at their boomerang-shaped desks, trapped in clustered cubicles. I saw a post on Facebook of a girl who was sexually assaulted at a house party and now her name was being hashtagged and kids were posing in photographs, laying on the floor, legs and arms sprawled out, left and right, trying to mimic the injustice. We swipe right to find our future hookups, but what if our future husbands and wives were on the left?   Society spends millions of dollars on drinks to numb our conscience, until our brain cells are wretched like the homeless guy on the street corner drinking liquor from a coffee mug. Israel and Palestine battle each other day after day while our generation gossips about Solange Knowles beating up Jay-Z with her patent leather purse as if that news conquers every other bit of information out there. The world will always be corrupt, but it suffers more from the apathy that belongs to us.
0
Jun 24, 2016
Jun 24, 2016 at 7:56 PM UTC
Clean each cell with a rag
An airplane crashes into an uncharted island and hundreds of people die in the burning debris, and somewhere a group of boys and girls are taking selfies as they stand next to a burning office building. Thousands of teenagers sit on the couch and eat ice cream until the buttons on their pants explode off. Kids light themselves on fires as if they were monks from the Tiananmen Square, trying to gain acceptance, their dreams of stardom translated through a series of YouTube comments. We can't afford books for college because the tuition is ridiculous, but these glossy tabloid magazines are only a few bucks; pick one to set the course of your life. Middle-aged people spend their lives indoors, away from the thirsty, hungry, withering children, and check how many likes did their photos receive on their smartphones. Pornographic images in front of our tired faces, our eyes locked to the screen and we do not blink as our memories become embedded with objectification. So we don't look up and see the chaos transpiring. Cat memes and colorful gifs hold our attention while our parents slave away at their boomerang-shaped desks, trapped in clustered cubicles. I saw a post on Facebook of a girl who was sexually assaulted at a house party and now her name was being hashtagged and kids were posing in photographs, laying on the floor, legs and arms sprawled out, left and right, trying to mimic the injustice. We swipe right to find our future hookups, but what if our future husbands and wives were on the left?   Society spends millions of dollars on drinks to numb our conscience, until our brain cells are wretched like the homeless guy on the street corner drinking liquor from a coffee mug. Israel and Palestine battle each other day after day while our generation gossips about Solange Knowles beating up Jay-Z with her patent leather purse as if that news conquers every other bit of information out there. The world will always be corrupt, but it suffers more from the apathy that belongs to us.
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13
she is definitely displeased profoundly disappointed in her latest literary efforts she dreams aches to create deeper discourse higher insight more thoughtful philosophical inquiries about life’s challenges beauty a better world overpowering love inspiration instead she writes paperback television trash stupid inadequate answers to solemn questions she wonders if she is too scratched dented to find love her ******* are definitely changing she is deeply disturbed not ready for menopause too young for menopause she wants to remain a fertile woman with smooth skin wet ****** 2 her neighbor Leslie awoke to horrible morning Leslie’s 6 chickens were assaulted overnight precious Mabel dragged off feathers everywhere trail down the street other hens cowering slumped together with wilted necks 3 of them with puncture wounds Leslie carried them one by one inside washed their wounds hugged them cried who did this terrible act a neglected abusive neighborhood cat or some desert predator why didn’t Leslie wake to sounds of savage marauding now this creature knows hen’s whereabouts when will it return for more massacre what modifications need to be enforced to ensure their coup before nightfall 3 she wants to remain a hen keep producing eggs does not want is not ready to enter the next **** stage of this **** existence it was fun being pretty for men inspiring them to say do wacky things she wants to remain a hen she is definitely displeased profoundly disappointed in her latest literary efforts “tucson square dance” (self-referential) ****** bit about Americans came through here last night in “tucson 3-step” ****** perhaps the pinot noir lowered her standards everything is becoming nothing she cannot sleep tosses turns thrashes sheets in humid heat of her lonesome bed is she is too scratched dented to find love worries for Leslie 4 tomorrow is another day they say the rain will come last year’s monsoon never came the baking sun smothered her garden died one by one sleepless she will miss tomorrow’s pilates class the infrequent delightful breakfast afterwards she dreams aches of deeper discourse higher insight more thoughtful philosophical inquiries about life’s challenges beauty a better world overpowering love inspiration she crossed the line tonight her ******* are definitely changing
0
Jul 16, 2010
Jul 16, 2010 at 8:51 AM UTC
quinta waltz de tucson
she is definitely displeased profoundly disappointed in her latest literary efforts she dreams aches to create deeper discourse higher insight more thoughtful philosophical inquiries about life’s challenges beauty a better world overpowering love inspiration instead she writes paperback television trash stupid inadequate answers to solemn questions she wonders if she is too scratched dented to find love her ******* are definitely changing she is deeply disturbed not ready for menopause too young for menopause she wants to remain a fertile woman with smooth skin wet ****** 2 her neighbor Leslie awoke to horrible morning Leslie’s 6 chickens were assaulted overnight precious Mabel dragged off feathers everywhere trail down the street other hens cowering slumped together with wilted necks 3 of them with puncture wounds Leslie carried them one by one inside washed their wounds hugged them cried who did this terrible act a neglected abusive neighborhood cat or some desert predator why didn’t Leslie wake to sounds of savage marauding now this creature knows hen’s whereabouts when will it return for more massacre what modifications need to be enforced to ensure their coup before nightfall 3 she wants to remain a hen keep producing eggs does not want is not ready to enter the next **** stage of this **** existence it was fun being pretty for men inspiring them to say do wacky things she wants to remain a hen she is definitely displeased profoundly disappointed in her latest literary efforts “tucson square dance” (self-referential) ****** bit about Americans came through here last night in “tucson 3-step” ****** perhaps the pinot noir lowered her standards everything is becoming nothing she cannot sleep tosses turns thrashes sheets in humid heat of her lonesome bed is she is too scratched dented to find love worries for Leslie 4 tomorrow is another day they say the rain will come last year’s monsoon never came the baking sun smothered her garden died one by one sleepless she will miss tomorrow’s pilates class the infrequent delightful breakfast afterwards she dreams aches of deeper discourse higher insight more thoughtful philosophical inquiries about life’s challenges beauty a better world overpowering love inspiration she crossed the line tonight her ******* are definitely changing
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7
Rustle in the leaves, tussle with the vines, afoot in the tree of life, the gutsy snake coiling, Raddled and rattled with mans sin, Divulgence to the loner who cherished the fruit, in the dusky orange red skies which brought in the adhen and from the tolling bells in the distant church , While the snake lolloped in the stark blue skies, Manipulating this oppo for the abyss. The wandering seam of the night,moon, With flickering light forbade the seance on the seemlessly never ending night, Pity the snake for another morn would rise For it will have to go to the *** ,no the pit. The ***** and cuckoo within cooee , chanted and coerced another morn out ! Following the sun like the grail, the people lounged in to the waters of the ganges. While broods of hurted children huddled in hate, hurling stones at the traitor. Hauling the renegade into the throngs, Hunnish hands assaulted him until he swooned in to the motherlands lap, Hue and cry of the avengers brought in the tripper, Heavy loads hugged on to his shoulders, In poise words he spoke, ''for every creation has its flaws, And when we batter on the withered soul, It leaves the barren man dry again, To ward off evil is like blowing into the forges of Vulcan, And only when tests and temptations are burnt in the bonfires of joy, will man be moulded into a joyous being'' Hissing whisphers from the crowd spoke, Heresy of the tripper is the hold, Hasten yourself and bring our brother medication, Hunt down the snake will we, For this vagabond has spoken in verses, Only to be filed in the trippers travelogue. Hushed up as the snake in the pit.
0
May 20, 2012
May 20, 2012 at 1:19 AM UTC
the trippers travelogue
Rustle in the leaves, tussle with the vines, afoot in the tree of life, the gutsy snake coiling, Raddled and rattled with mans sin, Divulgence to the loner who cherished the fruit, in the dusky orange red skies which brought in the adhen and from the tolling bells in the distant church , While the snake lolloped in the stark blue skies, Manipulating this oppo for the abyss. The wandering seam of the night,moon, With flickering light forbade the seance on the seemlessly never ending night, Pity the snake for another morn would rise For it will have to go to the *** ,no the pit. The ***** and cuckoo within cooee , chanted and coerced another morn out ! Following the sun like the grail, the people lounged in to the waters of the ganges. While broods of hurted children huddled in hate, hurling stones at the traitor. Hauling the renegade into the throngs, Hunnish hands assaulted him until he swooned in to the motherlands lap, Hue and cry of the avengers brought in the tripper, Heavy loads hugged on to his shoulders, In poise words he spoke, ''for every creation has its flaws, And when we batter on the withered soul, It leaves the barren man dry again, To ward off evil is like blowing into the forges of Vulcan, And only when tests and temptations are burnt in the bonfires of joy, will man be moulded into a joyous being'' Hissing whisphers from the crowd spoke, Heresy of the tripper is the hold, Hasten yourself and bring our brother medication, Hunt down the snake will we, For this vagabond has spoken in verses, Only to be filed in the trippers travelogue. Hushed up as the snake in the pit.
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