"appointments" poems
Snip
Cut
Bang
Simmer
I want a transit, a travel against my skin, that keeps going until I command it to stop.
My mouth begged for light, to feel warmth on my face
Heat oven to 450
You laughed and tossed me, a rag, away from the mahogany scent of your chest to the cold, hard floor that I am stuck to.
I miss you
I try to imagine you so that I can delude myself into continuing, but my mind strangely has already forgotten you.
I cannot remember your eyes, or even your favorite color anymore.
Some wish for that type of amnesia, but I am solemn.
I wanted a piece of you to carry with me always.
Cook for fifteen minutes or until dark
I hear my other side in my head; She is the evil within me.
I am brunbrunette, she is red.
I wear flats--her long legs are attracted to heels.
She smiles and with a curvy, smooth voice, much like a fiery dame from 1920:
"He has a piece of you though; you gave him your whole heart, and he only took a bite! That's alright, you don't need him or anything like him! You are a woman.... "
I drown her out with recipes,
4 cups of music and 1 cup chardonnay
(okay maybe MORE than one)--
therapy that I have made many appointments for.
Adding bits and pieces of me that I share, and some I don't
One thing I know, if a new one comes along, he is going to have to be patient,
I learned my lesson from burning out on the first batch
Take out--let cool
Don't eat all at once--savor.
Enjoy a slice at a time.
Oct 19, 2014
Oct 19, 2014 at 11:35 PM UTC
the hardest thing i do as a disabled person
is not
"fight my disability"
we were never at war with one another
like me, it just wants to exist
and so i let it
to some extent
i’ll never “become my disability”
yet i don’t believe it’s a bad thing either
i’ve come to realise that he’s become a part of me
as he’s helped shape my thinking
and maybe even my personality a little bit
i owe all my stubbornness to him
nah
i don’t fight my disability
we’re bffs
the hardest thing i do as a disabled person
is not
"get up every day"
though for a while, i thought it was
getting up is easy
facing the world?
getting easier
i used to blush at the thought of getting a wheelchair
i’d bury my face in my knees and cover my ears with my hands, thinking that if i couldn’t see it or hear it, i wouldn’t need it
i cared too much of what society would see me as
not “normal teenage girl”
"sad confined possibly a teenage girl?"
normal is overrated
and to be honest?
so is society
the hardest thing i do as a disabled person
is not
pretending i’m okay with mainstreaming
dear teachers, “mainstreaming” was never in my vocabulary
pretending?
pfft dear teachers, this is 100% real contentment
IEPs got some getting used to but after 16 years of endless doctors appointments, people in white sterile coats, plastic latex gloves poking, prodding demanding things of me
"mainstreaming"
won’t ever exist in my vocabulary
i know i’m smart
and i know i can do it
so don’t you DARE cry at my graduation
it’d be pretty pathetic if i believed in myself more than you do
the hardest thing i do as a disabled person
is
accepting the realities
i don’t know when i’ll take my last step
i don’t know when my muscles will give out for good
i know that every day i won’t know what’s right in front of me
i know that i’ll never be able to run another mile in my life
and i know that i won’t ever stop dreaming about the things i wish i could do
would love to do
won’t ever do
might do
one day
Dec 28, 2014
Dec 28, 2014 at 10:50 PM UTC
The world pours in.
I wake to my morning coffee.
The cream of that idle Tuesday,
The wakefulness of regret.
Flashbacks to appointments I would have missed,
had it not been for this stupor.
Mulling over what activity to engage in,
the clock strikes never-mind.
So I fall back into my sheets,
stomach churning from hunger I can't quail
and work I can't get.
Mar 2, 2011
Mar 2, 2011 at 5:08 PM UTC
I Intend Inspiring Indians Internationally
After Accounting All Aspiring Appointments
These Thermal Things Though Tastefully Testing
She Seldom Sleeps Some Sultry-Smothery Styles
Often Opening On Object-Orifice Of Operation
Crudely Caring Cant Cross Covering Case
About All Astral And Attractive Allocations
Mar 26, 2013
Mar 26, 2013 at 4:46 AM UTC
I’m a barbarian in a woman’s shape.
I stomp into discourse with heavy steps.
Driven by impulse, twisting like switchbacks.
There are so many narratives...
With one hand, I hold a megaphone to my mouth.
With the other hand, from my heart, from my head,
I pull out jagged digressions and awkward arguments.
If I could weave just one logical thread
to see a common perspective,
to stop interpreting…
I would stand tall
on the pedestal of thorny incidents,
inept appointments, yet proud
that I would finally catch myself.
I know, I can only dream of
patiently knitting rushing words together.
I can’t stitch these threads into
a colored, beautiful patchwork,
that could give some warmth to the quandary,
or as a cover for chronic nostalgia.
Meanwhile,
within the conventions of social dreaming
I tilt my head from side to side
Asking myself with incredulity,
How is it possible that the voice
screaming inside me
sounds so weak and dull?
Feb 23, 2025
Feb 23, 2025 at 11:23 AM UTC
Here you lay, a baby on the way and a suitcase at the door. It wasn't the results he hoped for. The next 9 months you board a baby inside you. Doctors appointments, dentist appointments, hospital stays, the story goes on. The first sonogram, the baby looks like its father. The son he dreamed for one day. While on the screen I said to him I was sorry. I said I was sorry because he came a year to soon and because of that his father left us. I felt heaviness in my heart for us, but I know I must go on for now I have great Responsibility's ahead of me. I wish he could see how beautiful you are.
Jan 31, 2015
Jan 31, 2015 at 1:47 AM UTC
Tough
A poem.
—————
I can’t deal with anyone’s crap.
I got to much blood and boulders,
On my back.
Fighting back the past,
Never been able to relax.
I don’t know if anyone can tell,
—Or if anyone cares,
But I'm about to crack.
they creep up,
Bruises cover much.
Random hallucinations—
Severe pain.
No one's understanding,
—or listening.
My brain is in such a bad headache,
I feel like my insides are blistering.
Fidgeting.
Numbness.
Pain.
Fainting.
Brain making—
Random movements.
All a loss of control.
Appointments got canceled,
“WHY!!!— HOW MANY MORE!?”
When does someone call it-
“Enough!?”
I’m NOT….THIS tough.
Aug 8, 2025
Aug 8, 2025 at 11:18 PM UTC
Worst part of loneliness is being without you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Worst part of loneliness is being without you.
On most days I can fill my life with something
Rather than nothing or feeling sorry for myself
Sorry that now my Darling has gone pain free
Trouble is that we thought we’d live forever
Pausing seldom to think of a reality of ageing
Ageing is deadly. Parts wear out and die off
Reality dawns on us too late. Missed the bus
Typically missed spent youth comes to haunt
On those occasions when tobacco was king
From that day on. The fuse had been lit.
Loneliness now is your legacy to me as I lay
On those days in Queensland when it pours
Never in small droplets. No it really rains. !!
Engulfing the storm drains and rivers n lakes
Like the whole heavens are crying “She’s gone
I ache from the loneliness. I am so missing you
Now I appear to the outside world I cope well
Every holistic solution know to man do I try
So many all the days of the week do I count
Some say they are a great remedy for grief
I argue not ,I think this does work well for me
So in my opinion the loneliness is the worst
Because you were always there to praise me
Exciting my day by your loving exclamation
I love you my darling , I love you , do you know
No doubt in our minds. We loved each other.
God knows how long he plans for me to suffer
Worst part of loneliness is being without you.
I start my day with a sort of positive stance.
Thinking I know exactly what’s in store today.
Having logged all appointments methodically
Only I do it alone. So very alone , very alone.
Unless I come to grips with this I’ll be very sad
Though I hate the loneliness this without you.
You my darling meant so very much to me.
Only through the tribute do I place thoughts
Unnecessary for anyone but you to hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written by Philip. 12 th October 2018.
It’s getting easier at November 26th 2018
With the aid of Gods guidance and Poetry
Nov 26, 2018
Nov 26, 2018 at 7:19 AM UTC
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you attend a funeral
And finally understand
Why everyone is crying
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you realize that
They're never coming back
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you hear the word cancer
Come from the mouth
Of a loved one
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you hear it
Multiple times
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you find yourself praying
To a god you never even believed in Yet hope with all of your heart, exists
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until they say
"there's nothing more we can do for them"
You dont realize how fragile life is
Until someone you know
Tries to take their own
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until someone succeeds
You dont realize how fragile life is
Until someone makes a mistake
And it's permanent
You dont realize how fragile life is
Until drugs
Have claimed another one of your friends lives
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you're holding your breath
At doctors appointments
Hoping your tests came back alright
You dont realize how fragile life is
Until you come close to losing it
You don't realize how fragile life is
Until you've ever felt
Like it's not worth the fight
You dont realize how fragile life is
Until you've contemplated death
You dont realize how fragile life is
In fact
You might never
Because you truly don't understand
How fragile life is
Until you truly learn
To live.
Apr 6, 2014
Apr 6, 2014 at 7:43 AM UTC
You are going to die
before me.
I already know this.
You are going to get fat
and go completely blind
and probably,
eventually, they will
cut some parts off.
You are going to fall apart
in front of me.
I know this.
I still choose to stay.
I will be there
through all the appointments,
the stickings and pokings and cuttings and bleedings.
I have only wiped
a few *****
in my life.
Mine,
my son's,
a few babies
of friends.
I already plan on wiping yours
when you cannot.
I will draw
little sugar skulls
on your prosthetic feet.
I will make sure you always have enough medicine and it is always refrigerated.
I will help you
in and out
of the bathtub.
I will massage your legs
and arms
and back
and head
and neck,
every day.
I will make our boys breakfast
and walk the dogs
and make sure everything
goes back in the
same exact spot
and keep a file with all the pertinent medical information
so I can fill out all the paperwork.
I will take you to
all those folk rock shows you love so much
and describe the singers to you.
We will still garden together.
I can see you in a chair,
barking out questions
about our harvest and me,
going back and forth,
bringing you the biggest squash
to hold.
You see, I have given up thinking
I am ever going to
give myself to anyone else.
It is you and you alone.
So, when you start to fall apart,
and you will fall apart,
don't worry baby.
I am going to be there to wipe your ***
May 28, 2012
May 28, 2012 at 6:13 PM UTC
Poem written by Philip October 12th 2018 Ref 026. An Acrostic:
Worst part of loneliness is being without you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Worst part of loneliness is being without you.
On most days I can fill my life with something
Rather than nothing or feeling sorry for myself
Sorry that now my Darling has gone pain free
Trouble is that we thought we’d live forever
Pausing seldom to think of a reality of ageing
Ageing is deadly. Parts wear out and die off
Reality dawns on us too late. Missed the bus
Typically missed spent youth comes to haunt
On those occasions when tobacco was king
From that day on. The fuse had been lit.
Loneliness now is your legacy to me as I lay
On those days in Queensland when it pours
Never in small droplets. No it really rains. !!
Engulfing the storm drains and rivers n lakes
Like the whole heavens are crying “She’s gone
I ache from the loneliness. I am so missing you
Now I appear to the outside world I cope well
Every holistic solution know to man do I try
So many all the days of the week do I count
Some say they are a great remedy for grief
I argue not ,I think this does work well for me
So in my opinion the loneliness is the worst
Because you were always there to praise me
Exciting my day by your loving exclamation
I love you my darling , I love you , do you know
No doubt in our minds. We loved each other.
God knows how long he plans for me to suffer
Worst part of loneliness is being without you.
I start my day with a sort of positive stance.
Thinking I know exactly what’s in store today.
Having logged all appointments methodically
Only I do it alone. So very alone , very alone.
Unless I come to grips with this I’ll be very sad
Though I hate the loneliness this without you.
You my darling meant so very much to me.
Only through the tribute do I place thoughts
Unnecessary for anyone but you to hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written by Philip. 12 th October 2018.
Oct 21, 2018
Oct 21, 2018 at 7:16 AM UTC
I have a lot swimming through my mind everyday.
Recovery.
Relapse.
Restricting.
Eating.
Work.
Relationships.
Family.
Friends.
Appointments.
Body image.
Self image.
Future.
Past..
All at once.
But when I'm at a concert, a live performance, whether that be a symphony or a rock concert, I am free. It's when I'm full emersed in music, that when I don't feel like I'm drowning in anxiety. Standing up and dancing and head-banging to my favorite songs, or sitting and watching colors and designs sprout in front of my eyes as bows vibrate strings.
The only thing on my mind in those moments, is the music. Singing and dancing along, not a care in the world about what I look like or sound like. Who thinks I'm going overboard. Because the thing is, when I see other people dancing their hearts out and screaming the lyrics, it fills my own heart with such joy and love for them. They're having the time of their lives,
and I can too.
Jul 28, 2016
Jul 28, 2016 at 2:21 AM UTC
it's the emptiness
it's the hatred that builds up in the creases of your
smile, of the laughter you hide your disgust with
it's the appointments you tear from your organizer
the holes in your stomach
the sunburn on your shoulders; the redness of your nose
it's your incurable phobias
your cut-up legs
your bleeding nose
your teary eyes
your itchy back
your raw skin
swollen lips
bare nails
unkept hair
ugly voice
tiredness
why the fuck'd you think spring would fix you?
May 5, 2015
May 5, 2015 at 1:35 AM UTC
The phone rings:
It doesn't work anymore.
Diazepam, Red wine, 6:30am, hip replacement,
Plunger, television, boxes of photos, carslberg, peroni,
The flush is broken on the toilet.
I've sat for 15 minutes.
Examination, xbox, unemployment, skunk,
Washing machine, dishwasher, dryer.
It's raining, Old towel and bucket
under the hole in the roof
Cat food, cod liver oil, mould, 8:45pm,
3pm, appointments, 12pm.
Laptop, silence, phone calls,
Toilet, bucket, bleach,
Oven cleaner, kitchen roll, dirt, carpet,
Television, Hoover,
Jan 28, 2014
Jan 28, 2014 at 8:35 AM UTC
Past altered states tests postive and subtle
******* So and so's teeter Paleolithic après time puddles
And submit terrible philosphies
Ashy stubble ticks politics
and sacrafice to peer approval sacralige
Test probably appears stable
Top patriarch's able suddenly to
Pop above submerged tables possibly
After, something tests patience awkwardly
Stumps tarot practioners and *** testers poor application sterily
Topology plain, astrology scorpio
Torpedo power aptly strikes to pedal antlers sour
Take particular appointments
Stop testing please apply sorted
Terror power and sexless torn pigs
afterhours pen and store tips, plow.
Alter simians testosterone, pow!
As scientists type papers about sexing tasteless past alligator snouts
testing partly after science takes party alliance south to pawn army
subtle tipped passion. artsy.
Start these.
pick atoms smarmy
Tally past all sentences take pride
As stencils test pestilence. And sigh.
The previous alterations simply tried.
And didn't work, hence the present
Path lit incandescent.
I'm looking towards the east waiting for positivity to peak
You're turned backwards nostalgic for something that'll never come repeat.
May 18, 2010
May 18, 2010 at 5:02 PM UTC
You rang me on New Years,
Crying,
Just as I had managed to forget,
And told me we'd get through this together.
And I wept more for your case
Than I ever did for mine
As they told me
"Common things are common"
Though you insisted
That your cysts were sinister.
Even if you really were
Under your 'mother's maiden name',
You never told me
That you were alright,
When I had more than enough
Pills, injections and appointments
To worry about
Than asking my father to look for you
When neither your name nor conscience,
Were anywhere to be seen.
I've always had my doubts about places of fire and brimstone
But never wished it on anyone, nevertheless,
And nor do I now.
But I do believe
In places of eternal sleeplessness, nausea and screaming children on long haul flights,
And that there is an seat reserved for you,
With no legroom.
When I broke down, as the bus did,
On our way to maths,
I was thankful for you.
As you should be of me,
That I haven't told anyone
You lied to an ill young girl
For attention.
And still I think,
You're sicker than I ever was.
Jun 30, 2011
Jun 30, 2011 at 6:21 PM UTC
You don't give a ****
About us vets
You pay us lip service
And leave us in debt
Cancel our appointments
But when we call
To reschedule you act
Like WE dropped the ball
I've been waiting 2 years
For my ****** up shoulder
You keep handing me pills
And my will grows colder
Now three of my battles
Have taken their life
Today one shot himself
In front of his kids and wife
Oh, NOW you care?
**** OFF VA, SCREW YOU!!!**
Just hand me my pills
Like you usually do
Oh, why are you angry?
You must not like to hear
What most of us vets
Have heard from you for years
**** you too, VA
Oct 23, 2014
Oct 23, 2014 at 9:23 PM UTC
You are going to die
before me.
I already know this.
You are going to get fat
and go completely blind
and probably,
eventually, they will
cut some parts off.
You are going to fall apart
in front of me.
I know this.
I still choose to stay.
I will be there
through all the appointments,
the stickings and pokings and cuttings and bleedings.
I have only wiped
a few *****
in my life.
Mine,
my son's,
a few babies
of friends.
I already plan on wiping yours
when you cannot.
I will draw
little sugar skulls
on your prosthetic feet.
I will make sure you always have enough medicine and it is always refrigerated.
I will help you
in and out
of the bathtub.
I will massage your legs
and arms
and back
and head
and neck,
every day.
I will make our boys breakfast
and walk the dogs
and make sure everything
goes back in the
same exact spot
and keep a file with all the pertinent medical information
so I can fill out all the paperwork.
I will take you to
all those folk rock shows you love so much
and describe the singers to you.
We will still garden together.
I can see you in a chair,
barking out questions
about our harvest and me,
going back and forth,
bringing you the biggest squash
to hold.
You see, I have given up thinking
I am ever going to
give myself to anyone else.
It is you and you alone.
So, when you start to fall apart,
and you will fall apart,
don't worry baby.
I am going to be there to wipe your ***
Mar 25, 2013
Mar 25, 2013 at 11:48 AM UTC
You just wanna **** me outta spite...
Problem is I wanna go all night....
And how many times of the night
You call me when you and that ***** have a fight
And I'll still come threw even tho I no it isn't right
Only cuz I have a weakness for you that ain't no if or a might
And while she's fiending for his attention.....
I'm fiending for her positions....
And the same week day ***** he be deep in
Is the same shallow ***** I damage on the weekends
Could be my private dancer..
One phone call and i'll always answer
**** them other ****** cuz I'm down for you
But you ****** them others ****** and made that same sound to
****
As much as I hate to admit it I was wrapped up
We was only suppose to be ******* but that change once I didn't wrap up
But now I gotta back up
Cuz she don't wanna leave him but still wanna use me as a back up
And I no this but still I can't control this
I hate that he gets the first appointments an I only get the first notice .... Dam !!!!!
But baby ....it's yours, it's yours, it's yours , it's yours that's for sure .. Just tell me what you like !!!
Sep 16, 2013
Sep 16, 2013 at 1:41 PM UTC
I first noticed my abnormal heartbeat
in Duluth, Minnesota.
Standing across the canal from you
separated by water
and the waves waves waves.
I still swear to this day
that it was your breath I heard
mingling with the hush of water.
The next time I notice my heart
we’re at the hospital.
You tell me to uncross my ankles
and hold out my wrist
your thumb brushing over the more delicate part of its skin
and your stethoscope cold on my throat.
It’s only a
one-two-three
four
before you’re pulling away
my pulse going with you.
I don’t care if I have to live with arrhythmia
live with the pills and the appointments
and the lack of a steady thump thump thump
in my chest.
Just the ghost of the feel
of your thumb on my pulse point
on my wrist
on my neck
curving behind my ear
and my hand on your heart
with your thump thump thump,
will keep my blood flowing.
I’m a girl with a broken heart
and I’m in love with a cardiologist.
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 1:39 AM UTC
she turned the questions in her eyes aside
and stealing away in the quiet
of the pine forest winters day
the taste of wood smoke was tangible on the sharp cold air
and his eyes hunted the ridge crest for sing of flames
as they hurried their steps along the rough hewn track
she carried the child whos silent contemplation
showed his understandings of the gravity of this flight
the bundle of possessions on his shoulder
weighed upon his mind
counselling himself not to regret casting it all aside should need arise
the woman and child so fragile and dear to his heart
mean so much more than mere trinkets of gold
he would surrender without pause life and limb to spare them
she was a smoky version of bobby dylan
complete with winged snakes in each hand
complete with a crown of jewels
and the thousand words dance
he was a seafaring man
they reached the shore of the sea
and found the wreckage of a sailing ship
her fine line speaking clear of her swiftness
and her appointments show without shyness
that she was of the finest portugal shipyards
they spent days making her seaworthy
laying up in the harsh tropical sun
neath the palm trees drinking *** from her stores
they put to sea in the birth of the new year
singing 'goodbye spanish ladies'
the three of them on the skiff tacking up-channel
trying to determine latitude by sighting
but a fog rolls in off the coast of grande bahama
as dawn breaks
man woman and grown child
the miles and the treasures cast aside
each wore on open hearted face
but neath the weary of sea miles
was their joys in the true riches
of eachothers soft hand entwined as they sailed into
a golden dusk
of a lesser throne
a kingdom of the sea
Mar 10, 2014
Mar 10, 2014 at 11:30 PM UTC
The days ticked by like the audible second hand of her watch. A quick and halting surge and pause.Each one unique holding for the next.
She lived the moment
She loved the lights.
Breathing in love, exhaling
Hope.tomorrows stuck to the refigerator door with doctors appointments
Prescriptions and pills and potions.
Still there
Yellowed paper now
Reminders of her before the grounding.
Jul 26, 2014
Jul 26, 2014 at 10:43 AM UTC
So uhm.. I had a baby
I may be naïve
Newly graduated
Still asking my mom to make my doctor appointments
So I had.. a baby
In fact I was still a baby
I just got chewed up and spit out
Now I’m spitting out kids
Who would’ve guessed
So uhm yeah.. I had a baby
I met love in high school
They called him danger and he had blue eyes
Well danger and I uhm..
We kinda had a baby
It felt like the world was telling me this is it,
Welcome to your life
Well guess what world
I HAD A BABY
I’m now invincible and a mom
I’m an invincible mom
I carried a human for nine months
Now I’m making appointments
Setting up schedules
BREASTFEEDING AND WORKING FULL WEEKS
Nothing is stopping me
Now let me repeat
SO I HAD A BABY
A beautiful baby
A wonderful smart baby
I’m teaching him that
The littlest oops turns into
The biggest blessing In disguise
So I’ll tell you one more time
I HAD A BABY
And my life has never been better
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 9:08 AM UTC
Lie in the bare-faced sun
savour time
under seige
frittering hours
afor breakfast and
rush ‘round
later
if necessary
under fire
moving appointments
with telephones twitching
anticipation
then forage
the howl
create havoc
hunt the giggling
play for keeps
heads roll
apart
the ultimate shudder
MChallis © 2015
Jan 14, 2015
Jan 14, 2015 at 6:44 AM UTC
in our daily haste to not miss
sales, appointments, buses, flights,
we tend to overlook the world
that gives us all these options
the awe-inspiring heights of our mountains
frightening majesty of our seas
powerful forests breathing life
the elegance of animals
a pleasant view of cultivated land
even the buzzing habitat of cities
we may be only a small part of seven human billions
yet it behooves us well to be aware
and celebrate
the fragile beauty of our world
Mar 23, 2017
Mar 23, 2017 at 5:30 PM UTC