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"ambivalence" poems
Blade or fingernail its all the same. Midnight strokes I feel all the pain.
0
Oct 8, 2015
Oct 8, 2015 at 4:25 PM UTC
Ambivalence
Recovery, Initially, is about knowing;  Knowing that change is necessary, Accepting that your life is not where you want it to be,  About facing up to your fears and anxiety Then taking the first step eventually… When you, and you alone, feel you are ready. Recovery, Critically, demands pure honesty, requires the utmost integrity Most Especially, when confronting your past traumas, your history Though it may make you feel angry, sad and often times guilty This process is key if you really want to move on, to change truly.     Recovery, Truthfully, is far from easy,  It can be fraught with challenges, setbacks, difficulty. It can hurt physically and even worse emotionally, Testing your will power to the extremity. It takes great Strength, Courage and Bravery; Determination, Resilience, in the face of adversity Recovery, Thankfully, need not be a lonely journey, Though you alone must take ultimate responsibility. There are lots of supports out there happily; from good friends, family and in your community Though it can be hard to ask for help, understandably…Let not pride undermine your recovery. Recovery, Ultimately, is about getting where it is you want to be, about starting anew daily About achieving realistic goals you have set regularly, Learning from the process; what worked successfully Starting to believe in yourself gradually, Gaining an insight into what you are capable of ...potentially Finally, Recovery is for all, a lifelong journey, Guarding against ambivalence, relapse, constantly. Knowing that every day will, in reality,  pose real threats for you in your recovery But every day also presents an opportunity… to engage with, enjoy, your life more fully.
0
May 19, 2023
May 19, 2023 at 12:59 PM UTC
Recovery....
Recovery, Initially, is about knowing;  Knowing that change is necessary, Accepting that your life is not where you want it to be,  About facing up to your fears and anxiety Then taking the first step eventually… When you, and you alone, feel you are ready. Recovery, Critically, demands pure honesty, requires the utmost integrity Most Especially, when confronting your past traumas, your history Though it may make you feel angry, sad and often times guilty This process is key if you really want to move on, to change truly.     Recovery, Truthfully, is far from easy,  It can be fraught with challenges, setbacks, difficulty. It can hurt physically and even worse emotionally, Testing your will power to the extremity. It takes great Strength, Courage and Bravery; Determination, Resilience, in the face of adversity Recovery, Thankfully, need not be a lonely journey, Though you alone must take ultimate responsibility. There are lots of supports out there happily; from good friends, family and in your community Though it can be hard to ask for help, understandably…Let not pride undermine your recovery. Recovery, Ultimately, is about getting where it is you want to be, about starting anew daily About achieving realistic goals you have set regularly, Learning from the process; what worked successfully Starting to believe in yourself gradually, Gaining an insight into what you are capable of ...potentially Finally, Recovery is for all, a lifelong journey, Guarding against ambivalence, relapse, constantly. Knowing that every day will, in reality,  pose real threats for you in your recovery But every day also presents an opportunity… to engage with, enjoy, your life more fully.
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19
walking through the woods i was surrounded by a plethora of golden bronze amber leaves tumbling in the wind sparkling with a star fire that evanesced from their jagged edges upon their descent.  i stood entranced, mesmerized, utterly hypnotized by their glorious magnificence.  i observed with intensity as a golden bronze amber leaf never having been attached to the majestic tree had no need to let go but gently released.  feeling no trepidation it wholly lacked desire for manipulation to control the forces of the wind.  i watched in awe and wonder realizing that it never disengaged from the tree knowing that separation is an illusion; it simply became the wind.  whirling it shimmered in the autumn sun as it wafted with no need for reins allowing its destination to unfold.  gingerly cascading it settled tenderly on the ground resting comfortably in ambivalence.  i sensed it did not cringe when it was picked up by an unsuspecting boot but intuitively knew immediately that it was being carried and dropped off serendipitously at an auspicious location.  i listened to it intently and drank in its essence as it simply lay in being not obsessing over what would happen consequent but sat in sheer stillness seemingly encompassing all totality.  i was stunned to see that it lingered without judgment in undivided clarity for what wild synchronicity would come.  it quenched its thirst in mystery while being completely at home in uncertainty.  the golden bronze amber leaf seemed one with all that is while simultaneously retaining awareness of self-perception.  as a gentle gust of wind coalesced with the beige fall sky it literally merged with the momentum enjoying the ride to its perfect destination.  with delicacy it rested cozily in ambiguity whispering to me that heaven is a state and not a place.  i vow surrender to black and white existence pledging fearlessly to climb higher creating life with vivid vibrancy adding golden bronze amber to my palette of colors with which i’ll paint. ©2016 janetaylor
0
May 11, 2016
May 11, 2016 at 5:37 PM UTC
golden bronze amber
walking through the woods i was surrounded by a plethora of golden bronze amber leaves tumbling in the wind sparkling with a star fire that evanesced from their jagged edges upon their descent.  i stood entranced, mesmerized, utterly hypnotized by their glorious magnificence.  i observed with intensity as a golden bronze amber leaf never having been attached to the majestic tree had no need to let go but gently released.  feeling no trepidation it wholly lacked desire for manipulation to control the forces of the wind.  i watched in awe and wonder realizing that it never disengaged from the tree knowing that separation is an illusion; it simply became the wind.  whirling it shimmered in the autumn sun as it wafted with no need for reins allowing its destination to unfold.  gingerly cascading it settled tenderly on the ground resting comfortably in ambivalence.  i sensed it did not cringe when it was picked up by an unsuspecting boot but intuitively knew immediately that it was being carried and dropped off serendipitously at an auspicious location.  i listened to it intently and drank in its essence as it simply lay in being not obsessing over what would happen consequent but sat in sheer stillness seemingly encompassing all totality.  i was stunned to see that it lingered without judgment in undivided clarity for what wild synchronicity would come.  it quenched its thirst in mystery while being completely at home in uncertainty.  the golden bronze amber leaf seemed one with all that is while simultaneously retaining awareness of self-perception.  as a gentle gust of wind coalesced with the beige fall sky it literally merged with the momentum enjoying the ride to its perfect destination.  with delicacy it rested cozily in ambiguity whispering to me that heaven is a state and not a place.  i vow surrender to black and white existence pledging fearlessly to climb higher creating life with vivid vibrancy adding golden bronze amber to my palette of colors with which i’ll paint. ©2016 janetaylor
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2
You'll be initiated, when you are ready. Life knows, and the initiation rites are waiting. Where you are holding, you will be broken. Where you've lost heart, you will be shaken. Where you are careless, you'll meet your neglect. What you are averse to, will be total and stark. What you are attached to, will be pried from your grips. Ignorance will be wrought with vision, a burning, to make you see. You are loved so much that you will be engulfed in the flames of loves fire, in order to ignite your own hearts flames, and fulfill loves destiny. Alchemical change will ensue, destroying you, to make way for new love. Licked by some Hellish ordeal, Ambivalence gives way to Engagement, Rage engenders Clarity, Anxiety becomes Inspiration, Apathy roars into Feeling, Melancholy imbues it's Depth, Licked by some Heavenly delight. Phoenixed, you'll fly, the hero of your own journey, wielding revelatory fire, with great Wisdom and Compassion, a Gestalt, anew. The circle closes, it is a spiral, to the beginning, of another Circle.
0
Mar 17, 2014
Mar 17, 2014 at 1:24 PM UTC
Initiation
Why aren’t your eyes--- there? In two places--- where water should be? Moldy residue--- absence of vision, tears From those bullet holes--- you ought to see--- your own ambivalence Fall down my cheek Terrifying--- Me, with nothing for both us Automaton, my weakness Intellect, disease You’re my body Cage You're my spirit Doubt Justice and horror--- within, without
0
Jan 4, 2011
Jan 4, 2011 at 6:53 PM UTC
'Til we sleep
The voice I hear is ruminating in my head, that treacherous depart was wounded instead of behead. How I long for this pain to leave akin the December sky, this imminent glory was only dreamed about in disguise. How persuasive the universe was to the story, it did not project the upcoming fury. Of a devious bequeath that upheld the tantrum, the sky soared with anger until its utter collapse. When a drop of water fell from the engorging sky; it dropped thousands of miles beneath, until it splattered like a human who couldn’t breathe. This anger spread like a wildfire, infecting all those longed desires. The heart of which pumped no more blood, Became equivalent to a plant breathing through a frozen sun. Nature believed there were no further storms, until the quarrel beneath was profoundly explored. Through the bodies sensation one could not ignore, made the heartache of this man’s soul. Oh why are humans so weak. Must the sun anger the kindness soul, For I had only hoped for evermore. Was I a victim who loved no more? Or an open heart waiting to explore? This journey could not be real, however, it became nurturing to one’s appeal. The ignorance disguised as love evidently appeared, as the devil danced around as one had feared. Ambiguous to the commonality of faith, that created an ambivalence that aroused distaste. The traitor became her experience and ego her age, I was in love with a spiritual woman of a certain year of age. By: Michael M. De La Fuente
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May 24, 2014
May 24, 2014 at 4:55 PM UTC
Melancholic Heart
The voice I hear is ruminating in my head, that treacherous depart was wounded instead of behead. How I long for this pain to leave akin the December sky, this imminent glory was only dreamed about in disguise. How persuasive the universe was to the story, it did not project the upcoming fury. Of a devious bequeath that upheld the tantrum, the sky soared with anger until its utter collapse. When a drop of water fell from the engorging sky; it dropped thousands of miles beneath, until it splattered like a human who couldn’t breathe. This anger spread like a wildfire, infecting all those longed desires. The heart of which pumped no more blood, Became equivalent to a plant breathing through a frozen sun. Nature believed there were no further storms, until the quarrel beneath was profoundly explored. Through the bodies sensation one could not ignore, made the heartache of this man’s soul. Oh why are humans so weak. Must the sun anger the kindness soul, For I had only hoped for evermore. Was I a victim who loved no more? Or an open heart waiting to explore? This journey could not be real, however, it became nurturing to one’s appeal. The ignorance disguised as love evidently appeared, as the devil danced around as one had feared. Ambiguous to the commonality of faith, that created an ambivalence that aroused distaste. The traitor became her experience and ego her age, I was in love with a spiritual woman of a certain year of age. By: Michael M. De La Fuente
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32
Somewhere in your wardrobe, I'd be willing to bet There's a t-shirt probably bearing the silhouette of Che Guevara He was revolutionary, yeah, he wore a cool hat But behind the design I think you might find it's not quite as simple as that Che was a bit of a homophobe, Che was a bit of a homophobe, I think... apparently.. who knows? Che was a bit of a homophobe, Che was a bit of a homophobe This is my song in defence of the fence A little sing along, a anthem to ambivalence The more you know, the harder you will find it To make up your mind, it, doesn't really matter if you find You can't see which grass is greener Chances are it's neither, and either way it's easier To see the difference, when you're sitting on the fence Somewhere in your house, I'd be willing to bet There's a picture of that grinning hippy from Tibet - the Dalai Llama He's a lovely, funny fella, he gives soundbites galore But let's not forget that back in Tibet, those funky monks used to **** the poor, yeah And the Buddhist line about future lives is the perfect way to stop the powerless rising up And he tells the poor they will live again, but he's rich now so it's easy for him to say I'm taking the stand in defense of the fence I got a little band playing anthems to ambivalence We divide the world into terrorists and heroes Into normal folk and weirdos Into good people and pedo's Into things that give you cancer and the things that cure cancer And the things that don't cause cancer, but there's a chance they will cause cancer in the future We divide the world to stop us feeling frightened Into wrong and into right and Into black and into white and Into real men and fairies Into status quo and scary Yeah we want the world binary, binary But it's not that simple. And your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive Yea your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive And your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive And so does your baby, maybe you oughta trade HIM in for a Prius- ROCK! I'm taking the stand in defence of the fence I got a little band playing tributes to ambivalence We divide the world into liberals and gun-freaks Into atheists and fundies Into tee-tot'lers and junkies Into chemical and natural Into fictional and factual Into science and supernatural But it's actually naturally not that white and black You'll be Dividing us into terrorists and heroes Into normal folk and weirdos Into good people and pedos Into things that give you cancer and the things that cure cancer And things that don't cause cancer, but there's a chance they will cause cancer in the future We divide the world to stop us feeling frightened Into wrong and into right and Into black and into white and Into real men and fairies Into parrots and canaries Yeah we want the world binary, binary - 011101! The more you know, the harder you will find it To make up your mind, it doesn't really matter if you find You can't see which grass is greener Chances are it's neither, and either way it's easier To see the difference Cause it's not that simple...
0
Apr 4, 2013
Apr 4, 2013 at 7:06 PM UTC
The Fence by Tim Minchin
Somewhere in your wardrobe, I'd be willing to bet There's a t-shirt probably bearing the silhouette of Che Guevara He was revolutionary, yeah, he wore a cool hat But behind the design I think you might find it's not quite as simple as that Che was a bit of a homophobe, Che was a bit of a homophobe, I think... apparently.. who knows? Che was a bit of a homophobe, Che was a bit of a homophobe This is my song in defence of the fence A little sing along, a anthem to ambivalence The more you know, the harder you will find it To make up your mind, it, doesn't really matter if you find You can't see which grass is greener Chances are it's neither, and either way it's easier To see the difference, when you're sitting on the fence Somewhere in your house, I'd be willing to bet There's a picture of that grinning hippy from Tibet - the Dalai Llama He's a lovely, funny fella, he gives soundbites galore But let's not forget that back in Tibet, those funky monks used to **** the poor, yeah And the Buddhist line about future lives is the perfect way to stop the powerless rising up And he tells the poor they will live again, but he's rich now so it's easy for him to say I'm taking the stand in defense of the fence I got a little band playing anthems to ambivalence We divide the world into terrorists and heroes Into normal folk and weirdos Into good people and pedo's Into things that give you cancer and the things that cure cancer And the things that don't cause cancer, but there's a chance they will cause cancer in the future We divide the world to stop us feeling frightened Into wrong and into right and Into black and into white and Into real men and fairies Into status quo and scary Yeah we want the world binary, binary But it's not that simple. And your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive Yea your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive And your dog has a bigger carbon footprint than a four wheel drive And so does your baby, maybe you oughta trade HIM in for a Prius- ROCK! I'm taking the stand in defence of the fence I got a little band playing tributes to ambivalence We divide the world into liberals and gun-freaks Into atheists and fundies Into tee-tot'lers and junkies Into chemical and natural Into fictional and factual Into science and supernatural But it's actually naturally not that white and black You'll be Dividing us into terrorists and heroes Into normal folk and weirdos Into good people and pedos Into things that give you cancer and the things that cure cancer And things that don't cause cancer, but there's a chance they will cause cancer in the future We divide the world to stop us feeling frightened Into wrong and into right and Into black and into white and Into real men and fairies Into parrots and canaries Yeah we want the world binary, binary - 011101! The more you know, the harder you will find it To make up your mind, it doesn't really matter if you find You can't see which grass is greener Chances are it's neither, and either way it's easier To see the difference Cause it's not that simple...
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66
Out in the desert there is silence -- The mountains blinding ambivalence   As white as the bones within.   Slipping out the rocks, more rocks Come the unbending tongues of time, satisfying The antemortem joy once again. The sun holds the sky, the whitest wing The earth holds the rest, all of your thoughts And the rain.
0
Jul 24, 2018
Jul 24, 2018 at 1:43 AM UTC
The Desert
Well I was skilled in body language And you were skilled in breaking hearts So close in heart, Yet so far apart. Souls connected, Hands touched. Remember this moment. Remember the feelings Remember your lies, Yet remember how I am perfectly fine. We can go back to the ambivalence of the times, The innocent liquor, That one night where I could say you were mine. You were my new muse, An alternate soul. Did I love you? Not even close. Did I want to lose you? No. In your youth you probably shan't learn who you are yet, But I feel sorry for you. It will hit you like the ****** falling through the mast of your ships.
0
Dec 21, 2013
Dec 21, 2013 at 4:46 PM UTC
Tale of the Ambiguity of a Seaman's Lust
When I look out from the smudged and cracked windows of home, I know there's no place quite the same as right here; No place I could find that quite catches my ear, And no place quite the same that can swallow my fears, To the depths of this heated and comfortable box, In which I am protected by numerous locks, From intruders and bandits, Salesmen and clerks; I am the legal intruder, And for me, that's what works. Yet I'm here when, in fact, I am meant to be there; Not far from my home, I'm meant to be learning whats fair. I am meant to be learning what's right and what's wrong, Yet 6 hours of my time a day seems quite long, To be spending on verbs, nouns and pronouns, On algebra, fractions, and abnormal word sounds. This life is not theirs; this life is all mine, Such an old and used system would appear to be right, Yet I beg to differ, as revolution now squeaks, To push through the systems cracks and cause leaks, In which free-thinking filters the words of the old, Who believe themselves better, for they're trained and so bold. When I look to society, what is it I see? Is it a throng of a thousand people who seem to be free? Not quite, yet at the same time, that seems quite close, They are free in a box, in which authority is the host. *"Civilization has to be defended against the individual, And its regulations, institutions and commands are directed to that task."** Quite an obvious command, And it seems that at last, Man is learning to embrace what they each see as free; And it does not simply stop at being free to simply be, It goes beyond such in mind, matter, soul, and in trust; For it is the systems denial, Towards which I lust. The institutions, and nations, Corporations, news stations, Stateism, classism, all attempt to control, Who I am, what I do, where I go, who I meet; They tell me to relax, and just take a quick seat; Yet I know what I want from life is free feet, To be who I am, And take all the heat. To do what I do, And ignore what's 'elite.' To go where I go, And control, as such, my feet. To meet who I meet, And next to them, take a seat. I am not a name, And I am not a number. I am always awake in my mind, As I slumber.
0
Oct 18, 2010
Oct 18, 2010 at 10:58 AM UTC
Fractal Ambivalence
When I look out from the smudged and cracked windows of home, I know there's no place quite the same as right here; No place I could find that quite catches my ear, And no place quite the same that can swallow my fears, To the depths of this heated and comfortable box, In which I am protected by numerous locks, From intruders and bandits, Salesmen and clerks; I am the legal intruder, And for me, that's what works. Yet I'm here when, in fact, I am meant to be there; Not far from my home, I'm meant to be learning whats fair. I am meant to be learning what's right and what's wrong, Yet 6 hours of my time a day seems quite long, To be spending on verbs, nouns and pronouns, On algebra, fractions, and abnormal word sounds. This life is not theirs; this life is all mine, Such an old and used system would appear to be right, Yet I beg to differ, as revolution now squeaks, To push through the systems cracks and cause leaks, In which free-thinking filters the words of the old, Who believe themselves better, for they're trained and so bold. When I look to society, what is it I see? Is it a throng of a thousand people who seem to be free? Not quite, yet at the same time, that seems quite close, They are free in a box, in which authority is the host. *"Civilization has to be defended against the individual, And its regulations, institutions and commands are directed to that task."** Quite an obvious command, And it seems that at last, Man is learning to embrace what they each see as free; And it does not simply stop at being free to simply be, It goes beyond such in mind, matter, soul, and in trust; For it is the systems denial, Towards which I lust. The institutions, and nations, Corporations, news stations, Stateism, classism, all attempt to control, Who I am, what I do, where I go, who I meet; They tell me to relax, and just take a quick seat; Yet I know what I want from life is free feet, To be who I am, And take all the heat. To do what I do, And ignore what's 'elite.' To go where I go, And control, as such, my feet. To meet who I meet, And next to them, take a seat. I am not a name, And I am not a number. I am always awake in my mind, As I slumber.
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54
There is exemplary synergy in Nature Coexistence of the birthed life It’s a wonder for the wanderers We try to create an imbalance By our negligence and ambivalence Bound and cloaked in this invisible bond We are at risk of alienating ourselves Severing ties with the lifeline We cannot decipher the rich synergy Mortals we all are, but some, lesser mortals
0
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 2:04 AM UTC
Nature’s Synergy
I am happy I am sad I'm a happy kind of sad
0
Jun 23, 2015
Jun 23, 2015 at 4:45 AM UTC
Ambivalence
i caught the midnight sky winking at me as i walked out the front door; its clouded lid falling upon that bright but waning eye for the briefest of moments it is hard to know if this was a gesture    of endorsement a translunary "attaboy"    of encouragement to keep walking this path less travelled or an accusatory reassurance despite    the ambivalence that my secrets would be kept by this ever-watchful stellar companion
0
Aug 4, 2022
Aug 4, 2022 at 8:06 AM UTC
lunar pareidolia
You were speaking in a different tone and your words weren't the same. I could tell the second you answered and yet you doubt my abilities. Anger pulses through my blue veins, longing to find something, anything. They say that hate requires more energy than loving someone does, but darling, how badly I wish it required less. All day long, I've been smiling more than usual and singing to myself until you came around. Positivity does nothing for me when it is up against the pollution of your love. I am slamming my fingers on the keyboard wishing that it was the soft flesh covering your fragile bones I sometimes love to caress. I am screaming inside of my mind and no one, no one is hear to listen but me. My blood has reached the boiling point and it's all spilling, spilling, spilling into bittersweet ambivalence.
0
Aug 4, 2013
Aug 4, 2013 at 11:07 PM UTC
love pollution
spoon fed my keepsakes as nothing blots the sun so much you teach me how to cringe in spun sugar. the nape of your neck. gleefully, we usurp the thicket of our mild dementia. sullen joy equipped. a sumptuous dirge curdles the myth, your fins *** as troubadours, we malinger in the pith of our blunt fruit. crust removed from our daily bread. our basket of basilisks, bathe in stone. duel wielding our gazebos... we bivouac in our ambivalence, by turns we move. you tip toadstools as i milk maidens for their candelabras. our palominos run. we do violence to timpani and click mice. pc drifting in the cyberwocky. we transit the binary auto-bond and paste whats clip. blue thumbs thread cranberry noose. our ***** nods off. fronds of juniper and cannabis slap the window pane. throughwhich a *** mouse pounced on frond’s sway. startled, we move the furniture of our eastern proclivities. for thine is the kingdom of our discontent ! swing-shift lap-dogs, trundle west of the east village. smell of ****** and nag champa. idiots sting. idiots braid zodiacs with greasy fingers. [ indeed ] and you preach from your gut... ( your left breast     marvelous with taint) and saltwater taffy. we laugh again- at things     we have and now only harbor ghosts where the rain should have been. should have been. should have been. should have been. should have been. should have been. this is the new intimacy.
0
Jun 5, 2013
Jun 5, 2013 at 7:03 AM UTC
Cranberry Noose
Scale the walls of knowledge, if you will, my Western friend of ambivalence. But, before we leap into the crevasse of botanical diversity, it is important that we understand that the smoke reveals beings which traverse physical paths of obscurity. So, we must relax and give careful attention to the details with which we presume to be confronted. Interpretation is a concept that reminds me of chocolate-covered mint fondant. It is all in the power of the suffix, don't you think?
0
Jan 20, 2014
Jan 20, 2014 at 3:03 PM UTC
Spatial Elocution
I know sometimes I’m a little obsessive Some might call it bipolar depressive Random mood swings causing me to become manic obsessive Shifts in energy changes making me become impulsively energetic Got my mind spinning around causing me a psychotic racing catatonic lack of awareness So used to being told to calm down by my family and old therapist’s Now I’m just living and learning off of my own failures and life lessons Creating my own values and building towards a better impending prospective future with all these thoughts, ideas, different reasons and reactions Moments of self worth can often start to feel fleeting due to daily life experiences and my own expressions Followed by changes in feelings and mixed emotional ambivalence Rarely opening up to people because, I feel vulnerable and misunderstood constantly stressing But the few times I do is when something about them resonates with me making me feel calm, safe and accepted I believe it’s because of my past trauma, I have to try everyday to be a soul survivor Old coping mechanisms through past risky behaviors shattered recking havoc Drugging and drinking to drown out these demons In the depths of despair, my inner demon finds solace, a dangerous comfort I must avoid Getting back up on my own two feet going to meetings after meeting Late insomniac nights with thoughts never fully slowing down Followed once again the next day I can’t seem to drown out all of the sounds All these troubled thoughts restless I am A soul survivor I fight, but I often find it hard to stand Picking myself back up I’m just a man searching for a way to feel human again
0
Oct 17, 2023
Oct 17, 2023 at 1:37 PM UTC
Human again
I know sometimes I’m a little obsessive Some might call it bipolar depressive Random mood swings causing me to become manic obsessive Shifts in energy changes making me become impulsively energetic Got my mind spinning around causing me a psychotic racing catatonic lack of awareness So used to being told to calm down by my family and old therapist’s Now I’m just living and learning off of my own failures and life lessons Creating my own values and building towards a better impending prospective future with all these thoughts, ideas, different reasons and reactions Moments of self worth can often start to feel fleeting due to daily life experiences and my own expressions Followed by changes in feelings and mixed emotional ambivalence Rarely opening up to people because, I feel vulnerable and misunderstood constantly stressing But the few times I do is when something about them resonates with me making me feel calm, safe and accepted I believe it’s because of my past trauma, I have to try everyday to be a soul survivor Old coping mechanisms through past risky behaviors shattered recking havoc Drugging and drinking to drown out these demons In the depths of despair, my inner demon finds solace, a dangerous comfort I must avoid Getting back up on my own two feet going to meetings after meeting Late insomniac nights with thoughts never fully slowing down Followed once again the next day I can’t seem to drown out all of the sounds All these troubled thoughts restless I am A soul survivor I fight, but I often find it hard to stand Picking myself back up I’m just a man searching for a way to feel human again
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23
Greens and gold of lattice work cascading down the tree, This epiphyte, so infinitely, delicately free. A lattice work of green finesse, a miniature Cezanne With exquisiteness of spiky bloom embellishing it’s charm. Cascading down the grizzled trunk of gnarled and twisted hand The hosting ancient Kamahi looms loftily, so grand. Looms aloft with leafy bough so softened by the show Of ruffled, pinkish bottle brush amassing high and low. Hordes of buzzing, bumble bees so clumsy in their way, Tumbling from flower to flower collecting nectar’s day. With afternoon the waning sun lies hot on sultry air And little girls in pretty frocks skip by with not a care. Summer grasses long and dry stand statuesque and straight With sweet laburnum’s perfumed heads a nodding by the gate. Young heifers graze in clover in the dell down by the brook And the fantail dances daintily seeking insects in the nook There’s a special, quiet majesty pervading here, so fair With the thistledown afloat, so still with golden motes in air. Fills my soul with gentle feeling and a rolling tear, unplanned, For this blend of quiet ambivalence through my beauteous rural land. Marshalg “Foxglove” Taranaki. NEW ZEALAND. 19 January 2014
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Jan 21, 2014
Jan 21, 2014 at 2:29 PM UTC
This Blend of Quiet Ambivalence
I called a friend of mine, you see I've always scratched her back you know and she's scratched mine. What makes me crazy is that she's always one to take, she's always on the make. You gimmie and grab and turn around and gouge out my eyes, you talk real **** you don't answer any of my whys. My thousands of whys. Well so long now, sorry but I got to go... Yes so long, it's been a slice, shaking loose of you is like putting down a vice. Golden earrings and pretty bobbles couldn't clean up your act. You've walked barefoot across the floor, broken fragments of glass, everywhere, and you were there, but, oh so was I. I was there too I've given you my very best, yes I've given you my very best, and what do I get? I get treated worse than all of them, worse than all the rest. I wish I could remember if it was a movie or if I  heard it in a dream. It doesn't matter much now, Because when I see you coming I just want to leave. Just like Dylan said, "A whole lot of people dying tonight from the disease of conceit." I've tried taking you aside and softly admonishing  you, that ended in a stalemate, what good did it  do.. You wore my Austrailian hat and battered it black and blue. You took my painting and  threw away the frame, I lend you money and you drink it away. I don't talk about drawing a line, I just do it and if you're in you're right mind you won't cross it unless you really want the **** to hit the fan. This conflict, I must confess, well it can make me cry. every time you turn around you're telling me another lie. I feel a lot of ambivalence . I don't want to hear you any more. Some times I think I want silence, some times I think I want to even the score. Man, I am on cloud nine, look what anger does, as if I'm in a fight. I just get to average, but by no means normal, the only normal I have found is the cycle on a  washing machine. I'm not sinkin' in a hole that was dug real deep by you, thinking this old world is all ****** up and you don't want to play the game, You'd just end up leaving me, so sad and feeling so full of shame. Do you love me, let me count the ways, it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't want to be there. I just don't know any more... what's that sound telling me I have fix it, that I have to put it right. Now you're looking to put me down, always wanting to start a fight. You're acting so abstract, while with me it's so 'as a matter of fact'. Knowing no one has even half the answers.
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Dec 23, 2012
Dec 23, 2012 at 1:44 AM UTC
Normal ( a cycle on a washing machine )
I called a friend of mine, you see I've always scratched her back you know and she's scratched mine. What makes me crazy is that she's always one to take, she's always on the make. You gimmie and grab and turn around and gouge out my eyes, you talk real **** you don't answer any of my whys. My thousands of whys. Well so long now, sorry but I got to go... Yes so long, it's been a slice, shaking loose of you is like putting down a vice. Golden earrings and pretty bobbles couldn't clean up your act. You've walked barefoot across the floor, broken fragments of glass, everywhere, and you were there, but, oh so was I. I was there too I've given you my very best, yes I've given you my very best, and what do I get? I get treated worse than all of them, worse than all the rest. I wish I could remember if it was a movie or if I  heard it in a dream. It doesn't matter much now, Because when I see you coming I just want to leave. Just like Dylan said, "A whole lot of people dying tonight from the disease of conceit." I've tried taking you aside and softly admonishing  you, that ended in a stalemate, what good did it  do.. You wore my Austrailian hat and battered it black and blue. You took my painting and  threw away the frame, I lend you money and you drink it away. I don't talk about drawing a line, I just do it and if you're in you're right mind you won't cross it unless you really want the **** to hit the fan. This conflict, I must confess, well it can make me cry. every time you turn around you're telling me another lie. I feel a lot of ambivalence . I don't want to hear you any more. Some times I think I want silence, some times I think I want to even the score. Man, I am on cloud nine, look what anger does, as if I'm in a fight. I just get to average, but by no means normal, the only normal I have found is the cycle on a  washing machine. I'm not sinkin' in a hole that was dug real deep by you, thinking this old world is all ****** up and you don't want to play the game, You'd just end up leaving me, so sad and feeling so full of shame. Do you love me, let me count the ways, it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't want to be there. I just don't know any more... what's that sound telling me I have fix it, that I have to put it right. Now you're looking to put me down, always wanting to start a fight. You're acting so abstract, while with me it's so 'as a matter of fact'. Knowing no one has even half the answers.
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(history) Quell the bard was silken-clad and ever young. her flute connected earth and sky, tamed lightning in the higher notes.. her ancient horse would winnie to her song of endless breath she blew her story even into stone. having borne the stigmas of a ***** her martial prowess struck, trampled disrespect to cacophonic dust while over hills and vales he carried her-- a love-sick equine heart at peace at last upon the road between her thighs, commanded loyalty of beasts and men. none claimed her for their own, though some risked instant death to try ..stirge beaks tap on bones and rock to seek corrupted blood of elven kings, who having reigned and fallen to a royal troglodyte of dragon times, paint each eon with ambivalence... i conjure what my heritage beholds --reclusive double-tongue to hoard all words, reinvent religions for a lark what legend am i privy to the making of that hasn't had its underwires stripped, hung about a square in lewd display of Fact to purge a sense of mystery awry? i am alone within my fantasy. its symbols still mythologize my i. i will not bare it here, or anywhere-- concealment is its freedom, and its boon-- in which a frame of tenuous material appears where antidote addictions cycle musically, the timeline's summoning a game of recompense, compensating wanderlust won by whim and licorice for thought; it finds familiarity untamed-- adolescent anchorage aweigh-- adventures into wildernesses lost .
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Sep 21, 2013
Sep 21, 2013 at 1:56 PM UTC
window *** and wandering. pane 3
Baron wastelands sound the trumpet in the midst of the ghetto, where sobriety gathers in connected ambivalence. Acknowledge the animism within naturopathic spirituality. I urge you to have explicit *********** with unfamiliar prostitutions, whilst political prowess ingests her toxicities in the guise of oratory genius. The expulsion of vanity is haunting in its reverence.
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Dec 31, 2013
Dec 31, 2013 at 2:52 PM UTC
Conservative Vice
Welcome to 5:15am And I'm so calm And so prepared Having changed into pajamas Out of pajamas And into a sweater That I wear too often Made for men; Or made for me. And despite the summer Despite the desert Outside is a cold black Misleading Considering the thermometer Reading a cozy 80 Because here, the night coddles you Like a blanket And wraps you in something Anything it can find And during this hot rainy season Something sticks to your clothes To the cuticles of your hair And you smell like whatever the day Brought to you. Welcome to 5:21am And you haven't been outside yet But you've changed into pajamas That don't terribly embarrass you. And when you finally go outside,, You'll be getting out of a car And walking into a hospital Maybe legs shaking (I don't know, You haven't been there yet.) And you try to calmly wait While people you don't know Stick you with things One of which will knock you out And you wake up with Cuts in your body From taking out the sickness That's real this time And tangible And actually comes from your gut And actually makes you Look yourself in the eye And ***** It's 5:26am And the pain is starting again And the ambivalence of today Hangs on my hair And my clothes Until they put me under And I really have no option.
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Aug 26, 2013
Aug 26, 2013 at 8:28 AM UTC
Thoughts Before They Cut Out my Gallbladder
I look inside my skeleton Love-hate bulging eyes out of my face Two warts of ambivalence I want to hug my skeleton Heart twitching in a rib-cage Admire the asymmetry of every piece broken Dear beautiful skeleton In veins runs the river In a stream of excitement I flood in disappointment I talk to my skeleton I tell it that I love it Rub my head against it Lungs violently sighing I believe in you, skeleton in the blood of your tongue A kick in the stomach Everything is working
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Feb 27, 2017
Feb 27, 2017 at 3:32 PM UTC
Skeleton
He touched our hands But unconcernedly this famous man And would not look us in the eye For fear of contact or what might be worse, connection And we could hardly blame him, for after all He had each day been singled out for close inspection By ones like us, in awe of his celebrity Circled in the shade of his perfection Hoping for the star-dust sprinkle of acuity Or sparkling eyes, admission to his inner cult and clan He wore blue jeans And scuffed sneakers as a badge of proof Of his coolness and unconcern While we his audience with concealed attention Enviously eyed his hairy confidence, unconsciously Imitating in each phrase that low convention Made small adjustments to our store-bought suits and ties And nodded several times in bright pretension Made small amendments to our smiles and lies Flicked photo-phones in pursuit of custom and routine He gave a speech A flippant interview, this famous creature A well tossed phrase, a rounded cliche Poured forth like brandy in a glass, convivial Or apple cider-ed vinegar in pewter mugs A sardonically French-accented phrase habitual Well humored, heavy lidded with testosterone At interlocutor women with the pens and pads Delivered in a low and purring monotone For all the world as lovers, each to each He stretched a smile A modulated shift of teeth and beard "Genius? Not I"  with deprecation "My shallow intellect, so poor and so ephemeral" Delivered in a tone that mocked inclusion While we assumed an elegance, unintentional A nonchalance that shields the wide charades Unmoving in our breathless, but conventional Genuflection to the the notion that pervades                                                       Our addictive appetite now sated. For a while.                                                                                                                                  He kissed their cheeks And stroked their arms, with sensuous ambivalence But absently, as if he cared so little In his farewell. 'A bientot' he said and 'Au revoir' And slipped away amongst the moving Milan crowds Creative and creator, irredeemably a star With, in his wake the smiling scriveners staring At his retreating back in Stark excitement In the middle of the circling and squaring, at The alpha-wolfic effigy. The Shepherd and his sheep.
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May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 6:46 AM UTC
This Famous Creature
He touched our hands But unconcernedly this famous man And would not look us in the eye For fear of contact or what might be worse, connection And we could hardly blame him, for after all He had each day been singled out for close inspection By ones like us, in awe of his celebrity Circled in the shade of his perfection Hoping for the star-dust sprinkle of acuity Or sparkling eyes, admission to his inner cult and clan He wore blue jeans And scuffed sneakers as a badge of proof Of his coolness and unconcern While we his audience with concealed attention Enviously eyed his hairy confidence, unconsciously Imitating in each phrase that low convention Made small adjustments to our store-bought suits and ties And nodded several times in bright pretension Made small amendments to our smiles and lies Flicked photo-phones in pursuit of custom and routine He gave a speech A flippant interview, this famous creature A well tossed phrase, a rounded cliche Poured forth like brandy in a glass, convivial Or apple cider-ed vinegar in pewter mugs A sardonically French-accented phrase habitual Well humored, heavy lidded with testosterone At interlocutor women with the pens and pads Delivered in a low and purring monotone For all the world as lovers, each to each He stretched a smile A modulated shift of teeth and beard "Genius? Not I"  with deprecation "My shallow intellect, so poor and so ephemeral" Delivered in a tone that mocked inclusion While we assumed an elegance, unintentional A nonchalance that shields the wide charades Unmoving in our breathless, but conventional Genuflection to the the notion that pervades                                                       Our addictive appetite now sated. For a while.                                                                                                                                  He kissed their cheeks And stroked their arms, with sensuous ambivalence But absently, as if he cared so little In his farewell. 'A bientot' he said and 'Au revoir' And slipped away amongst the moving Milan crowds Creative and creator, irredeemably a star With, in his wake the smiling scriveners staring At his retreating back in Stark excitement In the middle of the circling and squaring, at The alpha-wolfic effigy. The Shepherd and his sheep.
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